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Original poster

Am I being whiny, or should DH make me feel 'loved'?

70 replies

wobblbobbl · 06/12/2020 12:29

After reading the thread about 'little things your DP does that make you feel loved' the other day, I'm feeling really sad.
I've realised my DH does very little to make me feel loved. Not a new phenomenon, it's always been this way.

Only after an argument recently about it has he started giving me a peck goodbye and remembering to say 'I love you'

My birthdays or Christmas are a great inconvenience to him, I love finding gifts he will enjoy, that are specific to things he likes - but for me he quite often moans for months about how difficult I am to buy for, (I'm really not) and has often just said on the day, "sorry, I didn't know what to get" (not even a card) we now don't do Christmas for each other as I supposedly, 'show him up'.

I'll always make him a cup of tea, ask if he needs/wants anything while I'm in the kitchen, he'll often make/get himself things without asking if I'd like something.

No intimacy. Sex life pretty much dead, I've stopped trying in this department myself now, as I just feel embarrassed with the rejection.

All his spare time at home is spent watching netflix or YouTube on his phone with headphones in. We had to drive somewhere yesterday, he drove there and I drove home so he could have a drink, I chat with him on the way there, phone away for the journey. The drive back was him, headphones in and complete silence in the car. I asked if he could chat, he said he was busy watching.

We only watch TV shows he wants to watch. He'll often give me the choice of two things he likes, that I don't. I'll watch it so I feel like we spent some time together, but if I suggest anything, he refuses to watch it, will decide to watch something on his phone, or suggest I wacky him it in my own time.

There's a lot more, I'm not sure if this makes me sound a bit 'princess-y' maybe I am just a bit unrealistic. I just feel as he's a bit older, I came along at the right time for him (for marriage and babies) so he settled and has no interest in my happiness, just part of the package expected of him.

OP posts:
CabinClose · 06/12/2020 12:31

It’s not being a princess to notice that your DH has totally checked out of your marriage and is a shit husband.

OrangeGinLemonFanta · 06/12/2020 12:33

That sounds utterly soul destroying OP Flowers

MacbookHo · 06/12/2020 12:34

Yikes! It doesn’t sound amazing. But I know from experience that it’s really easy to see everything as negative when you’re feeling a certain way.

So before you make any decisions, I’d spend this week (or this month) keeping a secret note of all the times your DH is kind, affectionate, complimentary, sweet, thoughtful or does anything to make your life nicer. Anything.

After a week/month, review your list. If it’s still bleak, then maybe start thinking about what you’d like the rest of your life to look like, possibly without him in it.

You can’t force anyone to act in a certain way.

What was he like when you were dating?

Apileofballyhoo · 06/12/2020 12:35

He has no interest in you. I'm sorry. Flowers

CutToChase · 06/12/2020 12:36

This is so depressing. This isn't right OP. This is not a good relationship. He doesn't care about you

stealthninjamummy · 06/12/2020 12:37

I’m sorry op, I was going to ask if you read about the five love languages- basically we have different ways to show people we love them - but it sounds like he doesn’t show you in any way.

I’m sorry op but I do wonder what you get from him? You could go to counselling to try to work through it but it sounds like you think he was never really in love with you. He sounds quite selfish and rude, I don’t know how old you are but would you want to spend the next 40 years like that?

ItsALovelyDayToday · 06/12/2020 12:37

The car thing would drive me crazy! We have an unspoken rule that the passenger doesn’t piss about in their phone unless necessary as it’s so rude to the driver who is having to concentrate on driving. It’s unspoken because we are both decent and considerate.

He treats you worse than I would treat a stranger or acquaintance. Was he nicer when you got together? If not, why did you marry him?

Rollercoasteride · 06/12/2020 12:40

Sorry OP...I have recently experienced exactly same thing..eventually he left me after having an emotional affair with a work colleague.
I wish I left him earlier, I deserve to be loved and adored by my husband, so do you.

Keep posting on here, it helps xx

Purplecatshopaholic · 06/12/2020 12:40

Jeezo, that sounds soul destroying. Time for a serious convo - and possibly some serious decisions op. Do you really want to keep living like this?

Goldensnitchy · 06/12/2020 12:40

@MacbookHo

Yikes! It doesn’t sound amazing. But I know from experience that it’s really easy to see everything as negative when you’re feeling a certain way.

So before you make any decisions, I’d spend this week (or this month) keeping a secret note of all the times your DH is kind, affectionate, complimentary, sweet, thoughtful or does anything to make your life nicer. Anything.

After a week/month, review your list. If it’s still bleak, then maybe start thinking about what you’d like the rest of your life to look like, possibly without him in it.

You can’t force anyone to act in a certain way.

What was he like when you were dating?

OP, would be interested to know if he actually does anything like this at all in a month!

He sounds like he’s totally checked out of your marriage, he clearly has no interest in spending time with you or improving things - just doesn’t care. Personally I would be looking at divorce. You can’t fix something if one person doesn’t want to put in any effort.

Chamomileteaplease · 06/12/2020 12:40

How long have you been together? And does he ever do anything nice for you or to you? It honestly doesn't sound like a marriage. Sorry Sad

Original poster
wobblbobbl · 06/12/2020 12:41

When we were dating, the very early days, it was a lot of presents. We'd be out in the local town and I'd stop to look at something, he'd ask if I liked it and he'd go in an buy it. Even if I was looking at it thinking for my mother as a present, or thinking that a friend would like it, I'd try to explain but he would insist on getting it for me.
I was his first serious relationship (he was in his early 30s I was 18) our second date he took me to a big family get together, telling everyone to get use to me as I was going to be his wife.
He was really fun though at that time, we laughed a lot and spent all our time together (decade ago now)

OP posts:
pickingdaisies · 06/12/2020 12:42

That's not a relationship, that's two people sharing a house. And one of them is an antisocial arse. OP, what is the point of it? Do you get anything at all out of it?

Audreyseyebrows · 06/12/2020 12:44

This sounds scarily like my Dh! He wasn’t always like this.

Original poster
wobblbobbl · 06/12/2020 12:48

Sorry, I should really have stated in my OP, I'm late 20s he is early 40s, we've been together 10 years married 8 and have 1 young DC.
Apart from teenage romance, he is the only relationship I have had, despite him being older, I am his only relationship, only ONS and 'flings' prior.
We met at work, he was my supervisor, was very complementary at the beginning, it was a year in that it all started to fall away.

OP posts:
WinterSunglasses · 06/12/2020 12:51

No, that's less kindness, interest and consideration than you would get from a moderately good friend. Not at all what you should get from a life partner.

Have you told him you're fed up with this? I know you referred to a row where he'd made a small effort to change afterwards. Is he aware of the scale of your discontent or have you swallowed it down?

Try suggesting one area for compromise. I would say TV. Suggest you take turns to watch one of his picks one night and yours the next. Say you're no longer willing to only watch his choices when he won't do the same for you. If he then says you can both just watch your own things separately, it's time to say that that's not the life you want for the long term.

Lavenderfieldsofprovence · 06/12/2020 12:52

You’re not being princess like. It sounds like he doesn’t even want to be married. I’m pretty sure you’re not getting anything at all out of this relationship. If he’s this checked out after only ten years it certainly doesn’t bode well for your future.

I’m sorry you’re married to someone who makes you feel this way. You deserve better.

HolyBuckets · 06/12/2020 12:58

He sounds like a shit and lazy husband.

Mine does the following:
Neck and foot rubs
Tea and bacon sandwiches in bed
Tells me he loves me and feels lucky
Tells me I'm beautiful, even when I'm rough/hungover/feeling fat.
Comes home with flowers.

I'm not saying the above to rub it in, I'm saying that this is what you deserve. These men are out there. You could have this. We've been together 10 years.

Original poster
wobblbobbl · 06/12/2020 13:19

We do talk about it, it usually happens a couple of times a year, I get very down about it all and tell him I'm unhappy, he tells me he has no idea why, he's very happy, it's me. I ask for change and he makes all the right noises, and then nothing really changes. I said I wanted out last time, that's why I now get a kiss.

It was his response to the idea of me leaving that has made me think I was just a, 'right-place-right-time-settle'
He said that he was a failure to his family in a lot of things (that's a lot of backstory before me) his marriage would not be another.

OP posts:
CutToChase · 06/12/2020 13:21

Sack him off. I'm serious.

WinterSunglasses · 06/12/2020 13:26

he tells me he has no idea why, he's very happy, it's me

So no sense of you as a person with feelings and interests of your own. You're just there to prop him up. In that case I agree with CuttoChase.

Stop doing nice things for him now. You're not going to get that back from him. Start preparing for a new life.

By the way, it's not just up to him to decide if your marriage is a failure or not. You get input into that too.

LannieDuck · 06/12/2020 13:34

He sounds lazy and selfish.

You're only late 20s. You have so many more years ahead of you... do you want to spend them like this?

LolaSmiles · 06/12/2020 13:39

You'll get lots of people saying their DH does flowers once a week, massages their feet at the end of a day etc, which might make you feel rubbish.

Really it's not about what others do in their relationship, what matters is that those in a relationship have their emotional needs met and they understand each other's love languages.

In your situation he sounds like he has checked out, is happy for you to be lavishing affection on him whilst he does very little to make you feel loved and valued. Given you've mentioned it several times, your options (imo) are to explore couples counselling or to consider whether the relationship has ran it's course.

riotlady · 06/12/2020 13:48

Sorry OP but that sounds rubbish :( I wouldn’t want to feel like that in a relationship

OoohTheStatsDontLie · 06/12/2020 13:56

I think you're right OP. It sounds like he wants to be married because he doesn't want to be seen as having a failed marriage, not because he actually loves you and wants to spend time with you. I guess he could just be a massive introvert who needs a massive amount of alone time and enjoys what he thinks of as companiable silence with you...but even if that's the case, that's not what you want and you shouldn't have to put up with a lifetime of being ignored if you want a partner who interacts with you.

You've tried talking to him a lot of times and it's not made any difference. Who knows whether it's because he can't change because this is who he is, or he doesn't actually want to because in his eyes he is happy. But one person being happy in a marriage means it's not a happy marriage, both of you need to be happy for it to work and he doesn't seem to want to recognise this.

At this point even if he started buying you flowers and telling you he loves you every day and spending time with you, do you even want to carry on? Do you love him? I think personally I would feel like he was doing that because he thinks you'll leave if he doesn't, rather than because he actually wants to, if that makes sense.

Have you tried joint counselling before? Do you think he would? What is his parents marriage like, do they spend quality time together?

For the time being I think if I was you I would try and build up my life without him. Even if you stay together I don't think you are going to find the emotional support or companionship there. Work on other things that make you happy, talk to your friends more, take up some new hobbies and start treating him the same way he treats you, tell him its your turn to choose what you want to watch on tv and just watch it yourself with your favourite drinks and snacks. Treat yourself, because he won't. Spoil yourself a bit, because he won't. And stop making the effort for him, the cups of tea, the thoughtful presents, the consideration, because it doesn't sound like he notices or cares, and it won't feel like such a slap in the face when he isn't doing it for you. It will either save you making unnecessary effort or maybe make him actually notice all the things you do for him. If you stay together you will have lost nothing and if you split you will have more friends and interests to keep you going and be a bit more used to looking out for yourself

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