Am I being whiny, or should DH make me feel 'loved'?

[wobblbobbl]

After reading the thread about 'little things your DP does that make you feel loved' the other day, I'm feeling really sad.
I've realised my DH does very little to make me feel loved. Not a new phenomenon, it's always been this way.

Only after an argument recently about it has he started giving me a peck goodbye and remembering to say 'I love you'

My birthdays or Christmas are a great inconvenience to him, I love finding gifts he will enjoy, that are specific to things he likes - but for me he quite often moans for months about how difficult I am to buy for, (I'm really not) and has often just said on the day, "sorry, I didn't know what to get" (not even a card) we now don't do Christmas for each other as I supposedly, 'show him up'.

I'll always make him a cup of tea, ask if he needs/wants anything while I'm in the kitchen, he'll often make/get himself things without asking if I'd like something.

No intimacy. Sex life pretty much dead, I've stopped trying in this department myself now, as I just feel embarrassed with the rejection.

All his spare time at home is spent watching netflix or YouTube on his phone with headphones in. We had to drive somewhere yesterday, he drove there and I drove home so he could have a drink, I chat with him on the way there, phone away for the journey. The drive back was him, headphones in and complete silence in the car. I asked if he could chat, he said he was busy watching.

We only watch TV shows he wants to watch. He'll often give me the choice of two things he likes, that I don't. I'll watch it so I feel like we spent some time together, but if I suggest anything, he refuses to watch it, will decide to watch something on his phone, or suggest I wacky him it in my own time.

There's a lot more, I'm not sure if this makes me sound a bit 'princess-y' maybe I am just a bit unrealistic. I just feel as he's a bit older, I came along at the right time for him (for marriage and babies) so he settled and has no interest in my happiness, just part of the package expected of him.

Well, he could only 'make you feel loved' if he loved you.

You sound very realistic about this. He wanted you for what you could give him. You've given it (and presumably do a lot of domestic labour that he'd have to, if he lived alone), he's happy.

You can house-share and pursue separate lives (but not separate, serious relationships). Or you can break up.

You're only in your 20s. So young. So eligible. So much of your life and potential happiness ahead of you.

What keeps you there?

This sounds desperately sad.

No love, no attention, no sex - no real connection. You are only young - I think it would be such a waste of your life to settle for this. Of course a relationship isn’t about gifts and romance, but feeling loved, being intimate and caring, sharing our thoughts - in my view, these are essentials and are what make us feel alive.

You could give couple’s therapy a go - your husband doesn’t sound like he understands mutually supportive relationships very well and it’s interesting that he chose a much younger and inexperienced woman as his wife (and sounds like he went all out to woo you with gifts). But you are not 18 any more and you have a lot of life ahead of you.

I have asked about couples therapy previously, he seemed to think it was a waste of money, and that "weren't we talking right now?"
He is not keen on the idea of someone else 'deciding what's wrong'

Admittedly, this is very one sided, he has made efforts before - he had his testosterone levels checked which I asked him to do (for lack of sex) which were fine (the issue was porn, which has been a issue with lying about usage etc. For a while)

He did try individual counselling a long time ago, and didn't like it.

He's a good dad.

But he's also said some bloody awful things, about my weight when I had just had DC (I weigh less than pre-DC as It was suggested that was why we didn't have sex) and complaining to his mother in front of me I didn't clean (again straight after DC whilst dealing with PND)

I really don't want the flowers and grand gestures. I'd just like someone to say "...and how was your day?" When I've asked about his. Someone to cuddle with and say "shall we watch your show tonight?" "I'm making a tea can I get you one?"

I think it's just convenient for him. But also me. I don't leave because I do love him, and we also have very little money and a fair bit of debt. I'd probably have to return to my parents, who were not happy with the marriage at the beginning, I'm not sure I could swallow the 'I told you so.'

You were 18, he was early 30s. Showered you with gifts, introduced you to his family, promised you the moon off the bat.

OP, you were targeted and lovebombed by an older man who has no interest in an actual, reciprocal relationship with you at all.

You should think about leaving him.
If it were just one thing maybe it woukd be bring princessy... but it isn't. Thats quite a long list of him being totally shit you've written there. He sounds like he's ur child not ur husband. You arent having a romantic relationship he's just someone in ur house you clean up after.
My husband doesn't say he loves me apart from in response to me telling him I love him which does make me feel sad sometimes... but he's physically affectionate and chats for hours to me and we actively spend time together.. he makes me drinks and brings me toast randomly sometimes... he tells me all about his work and asks what I think etc... lots of tiny things. We've been together a long time.
Your husbands behaviour isn't okay. Its not you I dont think any woman would be happy.
If he won't engage or try at all I really think you shoukd leave it sounds miserable... better to be alone than constantly rejected surely? And you might go on to meet someone you do actually end up having a proper romance with..... leave and go into a better future now

your parents saying 'I told you so' will not last as long or make you as miserable as living in this soul crushing environment with a man who doesn't really love or respect you for the rest of your life.

So you would rather be unhappy forever rather than face your parents saying I told you so?

Sorry, but your husband doesn’t sound like he likes you very much.

Omg OP,

You poor woman.
You were targeted.

Don't waste any more time.
You only have one child.
For christ sake don't settle for this lazy selfish man.
You were a project to him.
He got you and thinks thats it.
Don't bother your arse with counselling.

Start planning an exit.
Your life sounds utterly miserable and sould destroying.

Are you working?
If not start looking for a job.
Start putting money away.
Start talking to family and friends about getting away.

Your life sounds unbearable.
If you were in your late 40's I would be saying get out.
For you to be so miserable in you late 20's is dreadful.

You have a wonderful future ahead of you co-parenting with the father of your child.

He doesn't sound the least bit interested or in love with you.

Don't waste anymore time.

You deserve so much better than this user.

OP, the told you doesn't compare to the absolute misery you have ahead of you if you stay with a man, nearly 15 years older than you.

I'm sure there are genuine love matches out there of May/December relationships.

Unfortunately the few that I have in my life over the past 30 years have been far too much bossy, opinionated older men with lovely obedient wives.
Each and every one of them give me the creeps.

I absolutely believe that certain types of men prefer the compliant, impressionable young women that they can impress and play the role of experienced man to.
The opinion is law and they expect to be obeyed and that they really do know better.

I have a front row view to this type of relationship and I can tell you the older the woman gets the more clearly she has recognised the dynamic and her own part in it.
Her husband isn't a bad man at all, but he does like to lead and be the head of the household 🙄...and absolutely believes he knows best for each and everyone in the house.

It is certainly not what I would call a marriage of equals but resembles a type of patriarchal relationship from years gone by.

The wife has a wonderful life as long as she allows him to lead. Always.

Get out.

OP he sounds like he’s absolutely taking you for granted and giving you few reasons to be attracted to him.

You’re definitely young enough to have more to look forward to than this for the rest of your life.

He sounds like a negligent creep, OP.

You have so much life ahead of you! Leave him to watch his Youtube videos and find someone who loves you with no inhibition.

Jesus this is so depressing OP my heart is breaking for you.

As one PP said, you’d get more interest, respect and kindness from a friend.
A sodding taxi driver would be a nicer car companion than your own husband.

I’m so sorry but please consider ending this relationship sooner rather than later. He will not change. You’re so young, you could have an amazing, fun, loving, joy filled life - whether alone or with another partner.

It is utterly soul destroying to live without affection and human touch and interaction. You deserve so much more. Please seriously think about making a change - can you really spend your life with no affection, warmth, love and desire?

And when your parents say “I told you so” then say yes, you did. So now tell me how I get out of this and help me start again.

We all have times in our lives where we have to swallow our pride. You can’t consider staying in a loveless relationship with someone just because you don’t want to swallow a bit of pride.

@2020iscancelled

And when your parents say “I told you so” then say yes, you did. So now tell me how I get out of this and help me start again.

We all have times in our lives where we have to swallow our pride. You can’t consider staying in a loveless relationship with someone just because you don’t want to swallow a bit of pride.

This is great advice. We all make mistakes. Who cares. The truth is, it's really about how we deal with our mistakes.

I swear to God, I'd happily swallow " I fxxked up" rather than live your life.
Ask your parents for support

Before you decided to check out. I remembered something i found useful. When having marriage counselling we were asked to talk about our 'love language'. Sorry i know it sounds cringe. But it was about all about talking about the way you show love. It was interesting. For example i show my love for people by making sure they have good food and their favourite snacks etc. The counsellor gave an example of her husband letting her drive his pride and joy car that noone else is allowed to touch. Neither of these things might be obvious declarations of love to others. Is there anything he is doing which is less 'obvious' but that he might categorise as above?

So he's 2 decades older than you?

What if you end up having to be his carer, wonder if he'll be all sweetness and light in later years when he needs you to wipe his arse?🙄.

Seriously though OP, you are wasting your youth with an ill-mannered unsociable bore. The thing of headphones in when you're together in the car or same room - just that, is reason enough to get rid. He's actively disconnected from you and doesn't even bother to hide that. & What's with all the YouTube watching, is it conspiracy theories?😴. But whatever it is, it's just not on. He's a crap husband.

You are in a cold, joyless, unfeeling marriage. You are only young once. You don't get the time back.

Don't let wasting your life in an unfulfilling relationship, have you crying tears of bitter regret in time to come because of wasting your good years with a man who didn't deserve you.

Also what Unicant said

your parents saying 'I told you so' will not last as long or make you as miserable as living in this soul crushing environment with a man who doesn't really love or respect you for the rest of your life

@Missingthebridegene

He sounds to be somewhere on the autistic spectrum! Xxx

Not again.

He sounds like a totally inadequate partner OP. I'm so sorry.

@Missingthebridegene

He sounds to be somewhere on the autistic spectrum! Xxx

Ffs. No, he doesn't, he sounds like a miserable arse.

OP, seriously, get out. This is not a marriage.

I was thinking the same as missingthebridegene, it's likely that he hadn't had a serious relationship before you because he doesn't really know how 'to do' them.
When you mention him buying all those gifts, it is classic 'big gesture' stuff as it's the only thing he knows how to do.
I speak as someone who was with an autistic partner for 23 years. We were married for 16 of them and have been separated for almost a year now.
I still get on very well with my (still) husband but it has been a long, hard road with him.
I'm very self sufficient but I missed the connection I felt I should have had over the years. Everything you describe is very familiar to me, even though my DH was more complex.
Whatever you decide to do, he isn't likely to change. If he is on the spectrum but doesn't realise it, you haven't a hope in hell of having a fulfilled relationship with him.
One thing I will say is that I don't think you have been 'targeted'. In his own way he is probably quite happy bumbling along, he just doesn't need /understand the kind of connection you do.
If you're not happy you need to let go and find someone that can give you the love you want. Maybe he might find someone who is more suited to his 'lower level' relationship style. You A Definitely NBU.
All the best.

I feel the same as you op in my marriage. Have done for some time but I’d be in the shit with money if we split now and getting my ducks in a row will take me about 3 years but that’s what I’m starting to do. I do love him but I’m sad because I don’t feel wanted, desired or loved back.

Parts are ok but I sometimes feels like he doesn’t even like me let alone love me yet when I suggested this to him he Couldn’t imagine how I’d come to that conclusion.

You are 7 years younger than me. I’d be getting a plan in place. That’s what I’m doing, life isn’t absolutely terrible so I’ll leave on my terms when I’m comfortable.

This sounds like a soul-destroying situation, OP - wanting more than the total nothing that you’re getting isn’t at all princessy, it’s actually just wanting a basic level of loving human connection. And you can’t fix anything if he is unwilling to acknowledge there are any issues. You’re allowed to leave the relationship and find a way of living that brings you contentment.

Ah yes, arsehole husband. Must be autistic. FFS.