Am I being whiny, or should DH make me feel 'loved'?

[wobblbobbl]

After reading the thread about 'little things your DP does that make you feel loved' the other day, I'm feeling really sad.
I've realised my DH does very little to make me feel loved. Not a new phenomenon, it's always been this way.

Only after an argument recently about it has he started giving me a peck goodbye and remembering to say 'I love you'

My birthdays or Christmas are a great inconvenience to him, I love finding gifts he will enjoy, that are specific to things he likes - but for me he quite often moans for months about how difficult I am to buy for, (I'm really not) and has often just said on the day, "sorry, I didn't know what to get" (not even a card) we now don't do Christmas for each other as I supposedly, 'show him up'.

I'll always make him a cup of tea, ask if he needs/wants anything while I'm in the kitchen, he'll often make/get himself things without asking if I'd like something.

No intimacy. Sex life pretty much dead, I've stopped trying in this department myself now, as I just feel embarrassed with the rejection.

All his spare time at home is spent watching netflix or YouTube on his phone with headphones in. We had to drive somewhere yesterday, he drove there and I drove home so he could have a drink, I chat with him on the way there, phone away for the journey. The drive back was him, headphones in and complete silence in the car. I asked if he could chat, he said he was busy watching.

We only watch TV shows he wants to watch. He'll often give me the choice of two things he likes, that I don't. I'll watch it so I feel like we spent some time together, but if I suggest anything, he refuses to watch it, will decide to watch something on his phone, or suggest I wacky him it in my own time.

There's a lot more, I'm not sure if this makes me sound a bit 'princess-y' maybe I am just a bit unrealistic. I just feel as he's a bit older, I came along at the right time for him (for marriage and babies) so he settled and has no interest in my happiness, just part of the package expected of him.

I think you've got big issues here, as a lot of people have already said but for me what stood out from your posts was the little things. Not offering to make you a drink if he's getting one for himself, only watching things that he wants on TV, refusing to talk to you in the car even when you asked him to....any half-decent friend wouldn't treat you like this let alone someone who is meant to be your partner.

It’s disturbing that you are even thinking you’re unreasonable to be upset by this. One of these things in isolation might be the bearable fly in the ointment of an otherwise happy marriage. All of them together us unliveable.

Not at all surprised that he’s significantly older, your first partner, love bombed you in the beginning and is a porn addict to boot. Having been there and barely escaped in one piece I would urge you to think seriously about whether you can live like this forever. What do you get from this that’s positive?

Your alternative to acknowledging your parents' 'I told you so' (and quickly moving on from it) is to live in misery until they die, in about 30 years' time. Then leaving, older and alone.

Though, by that time he's in his early 70s and might be starting to rely on you for care, which could make leaving hard. Would you be able to support yourself comfortably then?

Why would you put yourself through a lifetime of misery just to spite the only adults who love you and who want you to be happy? Is a little bit of hurt pride really worth that?

OP, your parents are probably beside themselves watching on helplessly as you try to live a joyless marriage. They will provide the love and support you need and deserve. Your DH has no understanding of your needs. He's ok, so he thinks you should be too. So he makes half hearted attempts to change, but he doesn't really "get" it, so it's meaningless. He doesn't have to agree with you that the marriage is dead in the water. You just need to accept it for yourself, and figure out how to get out of it.

I don't want to criticise all age gap relationships, some of them work really well. But I am very early thirties and the idea of going out with an 18 year old or even just thinking about them like that is bleurgh . If I turned up to a family party with an 18 year old in tow and introduced them as my future spouse people would think I had taken leave of my senses. At 18 it would not have seemed that band to me but now I think it is a red flag about the sort of person he is.

He's a good dad
Good dads don't mistreat their children's mother.

You were young when you got together. Your parents said their bit but accepted you choice. They might say 'I told you so', or they might simply be happy that their child has seen the light and wants to he free from such a miserable man who doesn't leave her feeling valued. Would your parents want you to waste decades of your life being unhappy? Of course not.

Based on what you've said, it sounds like you could speak to your parents, tell them things aren't working, you're unhappy and would like their help to leave the marriage.

This is upsetting to read op, he doesn't even sound like a good friend let alone husband. You deserve better 💖 Have you spoken to him seriously about how you feel?

But I am very early thirties and the idea of going out with an 18 year old or even just thinking about them like that is bleurgh

I also agree with this. At 18 you think you're grown up but in actual fact you're naiive with generally not much life experience. For most people in their early 30s that wouldn't make a great proposition for a partner but for a certain type of person they would enjoy playing that older, takes-charge role. I don't think it reflects well on him and I can see why your parents were concerned. Talk to them, swallow your pride, tell them what you've written here and let them help you.

Yes, I'm now aware how it sounds and avoid recounting how we met to people as it sounds awful, and as one mum said at playgroup with a chuckle, 'groomy'.

My parents have only recently come back into my life since having DC. When I told them about the relationship at the start, I was kicked out and they went NC. It was quite out of the blue, I was a very quiet and well behaved teenager and really wasn't expecting that reaction. I felt very alone after that, started and then dropped out of my degree course and moved in with DH.
So, although they are in my life again, it's still very tentative and a little 'stiff' at times?

I also agree with a PP I was a very sheltered and naive 18 year old. It's only as I've gotten older I'm seeing things differently.

I feel so sorry for you OP. It is massively inappropriate for someone in a position of authority over a junior member of staff to start a relationship due to the imbalance of power which is why lots of firms have rules against such relationships. Your parents also sound like a right bunch, chucking you out of home because they didn't like the relationship simply forced you into moving in and things becoming more serious than they probably would have had they behaved well. It doesn't sound like the relationship is salvageable simply because he doesn't want to save it. He is paying lip service to what you say but making no real effort for you. You are young and can start again and find someone who wants to spend time with you and to whom you are important. You only get one life, don't waste it on this prematurely old man who would rather wank than make love to his wife, and watch Youtube rather than spend time with you. Don't stay for your DC either, they can have two engaged parents who don't live together rather than two who in a few years won't even like each other if things carry on in this way.

You were groomed,OP, and you need to leave. If that means eating humble pie for your parents, so be it.

The you tube thing sounds like my DP except he doesn't put headphones in

Ah - your parents don’t sound very loving - may be that’s another reason why you expect so little from a relationship and doubt your own needs.

In a loving relationship you feel supported and cared for just because you are you - not for what you achieve or reflect on the other I’m wondering if you’ve ever really known that?

Sounds like my marriage.
I waited 10 years to be loved.
I decided a couple of years ago, I was fed up of waiting.

How long you prepared to wait Op?

He borderline groomed you but that's by the by. Life's too short he doesn't care anymore. You'll be happier without him.

Oh luck read more comments. He totally groomed you. Get fucking rid!

Its so scary for a while but I'm so glad I left after ten years. My new fiancée trys every day to make me feel as happy, loved and cherished as possible.

He is not keen on the idea of someone else 'deciding what's wrong'

Alarm bells much! Because he isn't treating you right.

My DH shows his love through practical things. We don't do soppy, grand gestures, flowers etc. But if I have a flat on my car on the way back from a night shift at 6am, he will get out of bed immediately and drive 30 miles to sort me out. (As has happened). He works really hard for us and that's how he shows his love

But yours, op, sounds like a LOSER