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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

heartless people

69 replies

firthy85 · 05/12/2020 21:37

i was out a few weeks ago and this poor woman was trying to calm her DD only about 5. i felt sad how people just seemed to be judging her or not even offering any words of support. maybe i am just a soft kind of guy?

OP posts:
Sunmoonstars77 · 05/12/2020 21:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ghostyslovesheets · 05/12/2020 21:48

So what did YOU do to help?

Steroidsandantidepressants · 05/12/2020 21:49

Maybe interfering would have made it worse?

Did she look like she needed your help?

NotImpossible · 05/12/2020 21:54

You've decided that people are heartless and judging her because ... what? What would they have had to look like / do to earn your approval?

Original poster
firthy85 · 05/12/2020 21:54

i just talked to the mum i wasn't actually in a position to stop and be with her i just let her know that i understood and that i wasn't judin her

OP posts:
Cocomarine · 05/12/2020 21:56

Have you actually got experience of calming down a 5yo? Either NT or actual “meltdown”? Last thing I want is well meaning supportive comments whilst I’m doing that. You know when you trip over and you think - god, I just hope no-one saw that? I just want to get it sorted, and move on. Of course, if I get a little wry smile from an understanding passerby, it’s nice - but it would be the kind that would pass between us, and you would see, OP. Or someone subtlety whispering, “they can be right little fuckers, can’t they?” That would cheer me up. But loads of well meaning understanding people getting under my feet? Nah!

Cocomarine · 05/12/2020 21:57

@firthy85

i just talked to the mum i wasn't actually in a position to stop and be with her i just let her know that i understood and that i wasn't judin her
You actually told her that you weren’t judging her, thereby telling her that the behaviour was such that she should expect to be judged?
FlatulentSproutEater · 05/12/2020 21:58

If I had been her I wouldn't have cared less if you were judging me. Who are you anyway? Why would anyone care what you think about anything? Don't get this at all Confused

TheDogisBarkingAgain · 05/12/2020 21:59

@firthy85

i just talked to the mum i wasn't actually in a position to stop and be with her i just let her know that i understood and that i wasn't judin her
I'm not that mother and even I feel patronised.
NotImpossible · 05/12/2020 22:00

@firthy85

i just talked to the mum i wasn't actually in a position to stop and be with her i just let her know that i understood and that i wasn't judin her
But you were judging everyone else in the area? Nice.
Christmasjunkie · 05/12/2020 22:01

When you become a Mother people judge your every move, you become public property. Shit but true in my experience

Cocomarine · 05/12/2020 22:02

@firthy85

i was out a few weeks ago and this poor woman was trying to calm her DD only about 5. i felt sad how people just seemed to be judging her or not even offering any words of support. maybe i am just a soft kind of guy?
I’ve just seen that your only other post is a “hi I’m new” (but a lurker). So you might feel a bit piled upon - including by me. Just to explain a bit, I find your OP a little odd in tone. Perhaps this is not your intention, but it feels like you are trying to present yourself as The Nice Guy, and that feels a bit off - patronising maybe, attention seeking, maybe. Why would you say that other people are heartless, but you’re “soft”? Surely, you would just be “normal” compared to the heartless and judgmental types?
SchrodingersImmigrant · 05/12/2020 22:02

@firthy85

i just talked to the mum i wasn't actually in a position to stop and be with her i just let her know that i understood and that i wasn't judin her
👀 Whoa

Erm. I admire your balls because I wouldn't dare. I would fully expect to be punched in a face... Probably rightfully

spikeyfish · 05/12/2020 22:03

My ds has additional needs and has had his fair share of public meltdowns. People often stare and make comments. I totally ignore them, they have no idea what it's like having a non verbal older child. I definitely prefer to be left to it, it's my issue but the comments aren't required.

The one incident that's stayed with me was when i took him swimming last year. He was a little agitated and began stimming and a grown man thought it would be helpful to take the mick out of him and copy the noises he was making whilst laughing. Of course this only made it worse. He went into a full on violent meltdown which i dealt with. What i really remember was after he had calmed a few older ladies came over and said the most lovely things to me. They also went to find the manager and complained about the man's behaviour. I really appreciated there kindness.

Original poster
firthy85 · 05/12/2020 22:03

it was nothing at all. i was just passing them by and i wanted to let them know not all people are judgemental towards the situation. she had her partner or dh with her so it was as simple as that. there wasn't any point.

OP posts:
Nicknacky · 05/12/2020 22:04

So did you tell her partner that no one was judging him?!

Sunmoonstars77 · 05/12/2020 22:08

@spikeyfish ,what an awful man.
It's difficult enough to deal with without adults making comments and stares.

Sunmoonstars77 · 05/12/2020 22:08
  • without adults staring
Sunmoonstars77 · 05/12/2020 22:09

Why is there such hostility towards the OP on here?

PawPawNoodle · 05/12/2020 22:09

I'm sure she really appreciated a man telling her he wasn't judging her for calming her child, I'm sure she went home and felt all warm and fuzzy that the "soft kind of guy" really got it.

Original poster
firthy85 · 05/12/2020 22:10

no way it was not done to be patronising, it was just that it happened in front of me and i wanted to just let her know as i past that not all care about things like this and she said thanks.

OP posts:
Nicknacky · 05/12/2020 22:10

So did you say the same to her partner?

UndertheCedartree · 05/12/2020 22:11

It's horrible when people are actively being unkind and judgemental when you are dealing with your DC. And someone being helpful like picking up something that's dropped or something or just giving a kind smile is nice. But honestly some random person coming and telling me they weren't judging me while I was dealing with a meltdown and probably freaking my DC out more....I wouldn't find helpful. So yes it isn't nice when people judge but please don't distract me trying to find some quiet and calm my DC down. I wonder have you been in this situation with your own DC? Would you find it helpful?

Hoppinggreen · 05/12/2020 22:11

If my 5 year old was having a tantrum and a stranger told me they weren’t judging me I would be thinking why the F would they be?
Very odd post, what are you hoping for OP?

SchrodingersImmigrant · 05/12/2020 22:12

@Nicknacky

So did you say the same to her partner?
Just highlighting this....