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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

heartless people

69 replies

firthy85 · 05/12/2020 21:37

i was out a few weeks ago and this poor woman was trying to calm her DD only about 5. i felt sad how people just seemed to be judging her or not even offering any words of support. maybe i am just a soft kind of guy?

OP posts:

StopMakingATitOfUrselfNPissOff · 06/12/2020 03:44

So a woman and her DP were out together and their child was having a meltdown/tantrum/bad day and you offered an ‘are you alright?’
Why?! Why offer anything? The last thing 99% of people need in that situation is more people involved.

AgentJohnson · 06/12/2020 03:51

The few occasions that DD lost her shit in public, I’d get people offering her sweets etc and it would piss me off no end. Tantrums in young kids are a fact of life and as long as DD wasn’t hurting herself or annoying others, I would let her ride it out. Calming an enraged child is pointless.

I’m sure your concern comes from a good place but I personally didn’t give two figs what other people thought of me and I didn’t take to kindly of people getting in the way of my parenting my child even if it was ‘I’m not judging you’ but I am passing judgment head nod.

berrygirlie · 06/12/2020 04:08

Yup, I spoke to OP on the other thread and it seemed weird then. Potentially because I mentioned that you needed to have a topic in mind to have a responsive thread, so OP came up with this scenario for this thread. Still odd.

KleinBlue · 06/12/2020 04:14

@PicsInRed

This isn't a dating site, OP.

Malin52 · 06/12/2020 04:18

I'm not sure why i or any random passer by would be expected to intervene in a kids' meltdown or pat a parent on the head for the act of parenting. I couldn't give less of a shit. Isn't this just what happens when you bring pre schoolers out in public? I hear they don't have many social niceties.

ilovesooty · 06/12/2020 04:24

If someone has fallen in the street or dropped their shopping and looks as though they need a hand they might welcome practical help. Something like this I'm not surprised to hear that they'd find additional attention intrusive.

grapewine · 06/12/2020 05:19

@PolPotNoodle

I'm sure she really appreciated a man telling her he wasn't judging her for calming her child, I'm sure she went home and felt all warm and fuzzy that the "soft kind of guy" really got it.

This. How incredibly patronising.

What do you want, OP? Kudos for calling other people heartless and patting yourself on the back? How strange.

Original poster

firthy85 · 06/12/2020 05:26

hi guys. yes. in the cold light of day just jogging on would have been better. i think it was one of them well intentioned situations on my part when it would have been better to just move along which i did. wasn't going to interfeer just walk on. but just keeping ones own council and not stopping even for that single minute would have been um... a bit better imho. i get what just wanting to be left alone. don't really know what i expected by talking about this really or others to think or do. and dating? that thought never crossed my mind. i'm just finding my feet here. simple and dwelling for few weeks on it? um i only joined last night so how could i have posted at the time?

OP posts:

berrygirlie · 06/12/2020 05:27

@firthy85 Are you very young? I don't ask that to be demeaning, I'm just interested because these threads you've made and the way you speak seem a little odd is all.

JillofTrades · 06/12/2020 05:49

It wouldn't have occurred to me to stop and do anything. Why would I. Alot of kids have tantrums and you just get on with it.

Original poster

firthy85 · 06/12/2020 05:51

i am 35. and this is only really the first post. the other post wasn't really saying anything other than hello. i am disabled(visually impaired) i do use a screen software to write posts on the net. i do have a habit of not always explaining myself very well its not the first time someone has commented on it. think its a constant work in progress with me lol. wasn't really sure what i was hoping to achieve by joining up here, it was just that the range of topics looked interesting as except for the obvious posts about parenting it looks like almost anything goes kind of friendly forum.

OP posts:

berrygirlie · 06/12/2020 05:52

Fair enough, OP! Hope you enjoy the site

Cyllie33 · 06/12/2020 06:08

Hi OP, it does seem strange that you were still mulling this over a few weeks on, sufficiently to make a post about it. A couple out and about with a small child who has a meltdown isn’t that remarkable.
I’m also not sure how you drew the conclusion that other people were ‘heartless’ - that feels a bit judgemental as I wouldn’t expect people to stop and chat to a couple with a child having a meltdown. It’s also a bit odd that you only mentioned the woman when both her and her partner were there.

Original poster

firthy85 · 06/12/2020 06:54

don't think it posted. just to say yeah just thought i was helping by stopping for a sec to ask if all was alright. then to move on. i understand the thoughts on here. think going to put the thread to bed now, shame you can't delete posts when you have disgust a topic. not ashamed by the thread just thinking more that there isn't muchmore to say. i will whole heartedly take on what you have all said. ps takes a lot to get me offended lol

OP posts:

sqirrelfriends · 06/12/2020 07:52

Hi op, sorry if you're getting piled on a bit.

I think the majority of us would be very offended if a stranger came up to say "don't worry I'm not judging you" while our child was having a tantrum. It kind of gives the impression that we should be being judged, which isn't helpful in the moment.

If it's just a case of showing her that you aren't showing judgment, then I guess that's fine but I know from experience that outside input is vary rarely appreciated other than the occasional "I've been there" look.

Hoppinggreen · 06/12/2020 09:51

Whether you did the right thing or not I still think that coming on here to brag about it is a bit weird.
Do your “good deeds” OP but it’s more impressive if you do it because it’s the right thing to do rather than to get Brownie points from strangers

Cocomarine · 06/12/2020 09:57

Can I offer you a tip for real life? Genuinely well meaning. You are a 35 year old Han who doesn’t have children, on what is foremost a site populated by women, with parenting as one of its major discussion areas. You’re right - it’s by no means just parenting, there’s loads going on here. And of course, it isn’t just women. I know I’m reaching here, but it seems to me that you - who don’t sing like you’ve ever dealt with a child tantrum, let alone an an autistic meltdown - think that you, “understand”. So.... stick around, enjoy the site, contribute - and listen. But please don’t then decide that you “understand” a woman or a parent’s perspective. You will certainly get more of an understanding of it by being here - but it doesn’t make you an expert, OK?

PoppyOppy · 06/12/2020 10:01

@Cocomarine

So.... stick around, enjoy the site, contribute - and listen

This. With knobs on. 👍👍

knittingaddict · 06/12/2020 10:24

@PicsInRed

Be cautious with this one, people, be very cautious...

Wise advice.

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