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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to want some conversation

55 replies

Tootsey11 · 05/12/2020 20:26

For background been with 'D'p for just over 20 years, live apart.

He always comes to mind on a Saturday evening, we either get a take away or I cook. He never spoke when he came in, just sat down on sofa with arms folded in front of TV. I made food for us and Ds. Said very little while eating barely 2 words. Ate and sat down again. I asked how was his day, what he had been up. Got a few short and sweet answers. A programme that he likes was due to start so I reminded him and I sat down beside him to watch. A whodunnit sorta show. After half an hour he asked who did I think the murderer was, I said who I thought it was, asked him who he thought it was.

His reply, I don't want to say. Right ok. Is it that hard to take a random guess?
For a bit a fun who do you think it is?

He sat there staring at the screen, "Why do I have to say", "Why are you going on at me?"
I'm just trying to make conversation with you about what we are watching. If I said who do you think will win strictly this year, who would you pick?
Him, " I don't give a fuck about strictly, I don't give it a second thought"

We watch it every Saturday together.

I said its ok, I'll talk to the cat instead. I'll maybe get more conversation out of him. Him, "Go ahead, why don't ya". I got up and done the dishes, left him sitting arms folded, watching TV. I sat at the table reading when I finished. He got up and walked out.

What did I do wrong? He generally is a person who likes to get his own way in everything, from watching TV, to the food we eat, everything. He will make comments about the programmes I watch are crap. I usually make him 2-3 meals a week, roast dinners. He makes digs at me about these.

He is nearly 60 and is unemployed, no income worth. I am having to apply for and look for jobs for him as he just won't. He says he is trying but unless I sit with him he just won't bother.

I am the type of person that if there is a problem then you say and try and sort it.

OP posts:
Hercwasonaroll · 05/12/2020 20:28

What are you getting from this "relationship"?

fromtheritztotherubble · 05/12/2020 20:30

What on earth is the point of this man? He's surly, entitled, thick, lacking in affection and doesn't support himself.

Genuinely. Why on earth are you putting yourself through this torture?

Letsgetbizzy · 05/12/2020 20:31

Well he sounds like a fucking catch!

I know you've been together ages but please see sense and kick him to the kerb. He sounds awful

lovepickledlimes · 05/12/2020 20:31

Is he going through some stress? not an excuse but would explain his rude behaviour

LadyAcony · 05/12/2020 20:31

What PP said! ^^

He never spoke when he came in, just sat down on sofa with arms folded in front of TV.

What, so no “Hi Tootsey how are you? Brr it’s cold out. Traffic was awful. What did you do today?” etc etc?

Santaisironingwrappingpaper · 05/12/2020 20:31

He sounds like a grumpy relative who has begrudgingly called over for tea.
I would go with the inviting dcat to join you in a chin wag op..
Bound to be more fruitful.
And sack off the miserable git..

ForTheLoveOfCatFood · 05/12/2020 20:42

Find a better way to spend your Saturday evening. Perhaps just you and the cat

Justcallmebebes · 05/12/2020 20:51

So this bloke comes to your house once a week, plonks himself on your sofa and is downright rude to everyone in the house and you accept this? Why? Please raise your bar

Tootsey11 · 05/12/2020 21:00

I think he is angry at me because of my health. I had CV in march and now have long covid. I also developed 2 more conditions while having long covid. And I have nine others chronic conditions on top of this. The two new conditions have left it very painful to have sex. I am in agony during and after. All this has put me off although I am preserving with the pain. It's only been a week since the last time we dtd.

Despite all this I'm working every day and doing everything as normal, although my health has had a big impact on how I'm feeling.

Dp has made it clear "your conditions arnt going to fucking kill you, so just get over it"

OP posts:
Mrbob · 05/12/2020 21:03

I agree with PPs he sounds horrible and boring and seems to not actually be adding anything to your life apart from more washing up. There is more to life than this

Mrbob · 05/12/2020 21:04

(And I am single and it sounds MUCH nicer than this so is not that I am not understanding of it being nice having someone)

napody · 05/12/2020 21:07

@Tootsey11

I think he is angry at me because of my health. I had CV in march and now have long covid. I also developed 2 more conditions while having long covid. And I have nine others chronic conditions on top of this. The two new conditions have left it very painful to have sex. I am in agony during and after. All this has put me off although I am preserving with the pain. It's only been a week since the last time we dtd.

Despite all this I'm working every day and doing everything as normal, although my health has had a big impact on how I'm feeling.

Dp has made it clear "your conditions arnt going to fucking kill you, so just get over it"

I am so, so sorry. This really is awful. You must know that?
RedSoloCup · 05/12/2020 21:26

You've been together 20 years and live apart? Have you always lived apart? Have you kids together ?

Aria999 · 05/12/2020 21:27

YABU to be with this unpleasant waste of space. What's the point of him?

Mummypigisalwaysright · 05/12/2020 21:49

This man does not care for you. I cannot believe he would have sex with you when he knows it hurts you! That's abuse op! Can you refuse? Does he sulk? Honestly op how can you be happy in this relationship? Please get rid of him. What does he do for you?

Tootsey11 · 05/12/2020 22:31

We only lived together for a year. We have Ds 18. He too no part in bringing Ds up.

The thing is one day every thing is fine. He chats away, is helpful, pleasant and thoughtful. The next day he will continuously insult you for know reason.

I don't understand how someone can be like that. I cannot get the things he has said out of my head.

OP posts:
LividLoves · 05/12/2020 22:43

Think about what you’ve written for a minute.

Then leave him.

Really.

HollowTalk · 05/12/2020 22:45

Why the hell are you allowing this selfish, thick loser into your house? Why didn't you tell him to get out? You really need to think about things, OP.

lovepickledlimes · 05/12/2020 22:52

@Tootsey11 please leave him. You deserve so much better then this. If not for yourself then for DS. You are setting an example for him of what is acceptable in a relationship

katy1213 · 05/12/2020 22:57

Well, as you say you like sorting problems - take away his key if he has one or change the lock, or simply don't answer the door next time he calls - make it absolutely clear that if he wants a roast dinner, this is available down the pub at £20 a head - and that from hereon, he's free to cast about to see if anyone desperate has set the bar low enough to accommodate him ...
But that person is no longer going to be you.
Watch Strictly with the cat. It's got better manners.

napody · 06/12/2020 09:31

What Katy1213 said. Change the locks and enjoy life xx

SandAndSea · 06/12/2020 09:38

It sounds like this unpleasantness has become normal for you. How about finding some more joyful things to fill your days? It might make it easier to let him go.

LannieDuck · 06/12/2020 10:06

He sounds unpleasant. Why would you choose to spend three evenings a week with someone unpleasant?

If he comes in, plonks himself down, crosses his arms and doesn't say a word... he certainly wouldn't get getting fed by me! There'd be an argument and he'd probably storm out. And then I'd have a pleasant evening watching the TV that I wanted to watch.

IdblowJonSnow · 06/12/2020 10:16

Why on earth are you with this arse? As you don't live together simply tell him to stop coming over.

Duanphen · 06/12/2020 10:21

I haven't had a conversation with DH in years. I just gave up and cultivated a wider social circle so the option for conversation is never far away.

It's a shame, but some people just do this. I feel it's deliberate but if they want to drown in their own cortisol, let 'em.