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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to want some conversation

55 replies

Tootsey11 · 05/12/2020 20:26

For background been with 'D'p for just over 20 years, live apart.

He always comes to mind on a Saturday evening, we either get a take away or I cook. He never spoke when he came in, just sat down on sofa with arms folded in front of TV. I made food for us and Ds. Said very little while eating barely 2 words. Ate and sat down again. I asked how was his day, what he had been up. Got a few short and sweet answers. A programme that he likes was due to start so I reminded him and I sat down beside him to watch. A whodunnit sorta show. After half an hour he asked who did I think the murderer was, I said who I thought it was, asked him who he thought it was.

His reply, I don't want to say. Right ok. Is it that hard to take a random guess?
For a bit a fun who do you think it is?

He sat there staring at the screen, "Why do I have to say", "Why are you going on at me?"
I'm just trying to make conversation with you about what we are watching. If I said who do you think will win strictly this year, who would you pick?
Him, " I don't give a fuck about strictly, I don't give it a second thought"

We watch it every Saturday together.

I said its ok, I'll talk to the cat instead. I'll maybe get more conversation out of him. Him, "Go ahead, why don't ya". I got up and done the dishes, left him sitting arms folded, watching TV. I sat at the table reading when I finished. He got up and walked out.

What did I do wrong? He generally is a person who likes to get his own way in everything, from watching TV, to the food we eat, everything. He will make comments about the programmes I watch are crap. I usually make him 2-3 meals a week, roast dinners. He makes digs at me about these.

He is nearly 60 and is unemployed, no income worth. I am having to apply for and look for jobs for him as he just won't. He says he is trying but unless I sit with him he just won't bother.

I am the type of person that if there is a problem then you say and try and sort it.

OP posts:
SleepingStandingUp · 08/12/2020 13:55

Op you've had so many years dominated by someone who isn't willing to give you what you deserve.

You were 25? and him 40? when you got together and had a child and he's manifestly never stepped up. Not sure if there's a second family somewhere behind that impinged upon him "committing" but enough is enough. Time to put you first

Tootsey11 · 08/12/2020 15:40

Not first boyfriend no, fourth I think.

I know I've wasted so many years on him, my mother told me I was stupid, I've proved her right.

OP posts:
lovepickledlimes · 08/12/2020 15:46

@Tootsey11 you are not stupid. Abusers like your husband know how to pick their victims and what to say etc. They never start off like this. It happens so gradually that you never notice it

SleepingStandingUp · 08/12/2020 18:28

Agree with pp, Def not stupid. Love, gas lighting, manipulative arseholes, it's a toxic combination.

But it's not too late to do something

KarlKennedysDurianFruit · 08/12/2020 18:36

You're not stupid, your partner (an older male) has essentially taken full advantage of the abuse you received as a child to further abuse, control and dominate you. Fuck him. You're only 45! You've got so much life to live, he is holding you back, you will start to feel so much better about yourself without him constantly putting you down. The fact he hadn't lived with our raised his own son with you, yet expects you to be in a relationship with him, shows his sheer audacity and lack of care for anyone else. I bet your son would support you fully if you choose to leave, you say he's a kind sensible boy, you raised him that way with no help from his feckless father, take pride in that it's not an easy thing to do.

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