AIBU to want some conversation

[Tootsey11]

For background been with 'D'p for just over 20 years, live apart.

He always comes to mind on a Saturday evening, we either get a take away or I cook. He never spoke when he came in, just sat down on sofa with arms folded in front of TV. I made food for us and Ds. Said very little while eating barely 2 words. Ate and sat down again. I asked how was his day, what he had been up. Got a few short and sweet answers. A programme that he likes was due to start so I reminded him and I sat down beside him to watch. A whodunnit sorta show. After half an hour he asked who did I think the murderer was, I said who I thought it was, asked him who he thought it was.

His reply, I don't want to say. Right ok. Is it that hard to take a random guess?
For a bit a fun who do you think it is?

He sat there staring at the screen, "Why do I have to say", "Why are you going on at me?"
I'm just trying to make conversation with you about what we are watching. If I said who do you think will win strictly this year, who would you pick?
Him, " I don't give a fuck about strictly, I don't give it a second thought"

We watch it every Saturday together.

I said its ok, I'll talk to the cat instead. I'll maybe get more conversation out of him. Him, "Go ahead, why don't ya". I got up and done the dishes, left him sitting arms folded, watching TV. I sat at the table reading when I finished. He got up and walked out.

What did I do wrong? He generally is a person who likes to get his own way in everything, from watching TV, to the food we eat, everything. He will make comments about the programmes I watch are crap. I usually make him 2-3 meals a week, roast dinners. He makes digs at me about these.

He is nearly 60 and is unemployed, no income worth. I am having to apply for and look for jobs for him as he just won't. He says he is trying but unless I sit with him he just won't bother.

I am the type of person that if there is a problem then you say and try and sort it.

I must admit I'm baffled why you have any relationship at all with a man you didn't live with for a long time and who took no part in raising your child.

This isn't a 'partner', this is a failure of a man most women wouldn't even sit next to on a bus, let alone move in with. You've been independent before; do it again. And don't give up your freedom for any man, let alone this overgrown fungus.

@Duanphen

I must admit I'm baffled why you have any relationship at all with a man you didn't live with for a long time and who took no part in raising your child.

This isn't a 'partner', this is a failure of a man most women wouldn't even sit next to on a bus, let alone move in with. You've been independent before; do it again. And don't give up your freedom for any man, let alone this overgrown fungus.

this, every word.

Plus the fact that you are having sex to please him, as an obligation, despite not wanting it and it hurting you. If a friend said they were doing this, what would you say to them? What if "d"p said he was in a bad mood and wanted to release his tension by punching you in the face a few times as an outlet? I'd hope you'd say "No way, that's abuse. In fact it's a crime." Why is it any different if he's knowingly hurting your vagina to improve his own mood?

Your self esteem must be so low to tolerate this shit.
Tell him not to come back.
Be busy at the times you would normally see him.

Thankyou everyone for your replies.

I am the type of person that when someone is horrible to me I want to know why they are doing it.

He can be very charming, he is the man that you will see helping a stranger with their shopping, or he will strike up a conversation with you in a waiting room. Always women though. Never a man.

He does not like to lose, and cannot accept he is ever wrong, ever. I know having no work is affecting him, he was told in his last job to go home to fuck after 2 weeks. He said something broke in his hand when he lifted it, boss thought differently. I don't know what to believe, but I have seen him be very rough with things belonging to me, and then laughing.

I just want him to explain to my face why he behaves the way he does.

And to all who said my self esteem is low, thanks for reminding me. I was brought up by an abusive mother. Spent my entire childhood being told I wasn't wanted, that I was stupid, that no one would ever want me. When we went out shopping on a Saturday back in the eighties, we would meet other families that she knew. She would tell them too that she didn't want me, that I wasn't needed while I stood there as a child and them looking at me.

I am a decent, honest and kind person who puts my all into everything I do. I couldn't treat anyone badly, I'm not like that, and I know I've been stupid.

He's not going to give you what you want. He's not going to give you en explanation, because it tortures you more this way. And he enjoys hurting you.

Oh OP, I wish I could reach through this screen and give you a hug. You are worth so so much more than this abusive wanker, just as you were worth so much more than your abusive mother.

I really encourage you to repost on the Relationship board here on MN. You have fallen into an abusive relationship because it is known (from your childhood) and therefore feels familiar and, in a strange way, safe. Please look for the Stately Homes thread.

Why not give yourself the best Xmas of all - a peaceful time with your DS, and make 2021 the year you start loving yourself and putting your needs and wants first. Because you deserve it.

He is disgusting. Get rid.
I have a feeling that some of your physical ailments may clear up once you aren't subjected to him. The ways that stress, anxiety, and fearfulness show up in the body can really wreak havoc.

I just want him to explain to my face why he behaves the way he does.

He's never going to do this. He probably doesn't really know why he behaves like that. He has no interest in changing.

You are really asking for the impossible.

I am the type of person that when someone is horrible to me I want to know why they are doing it.

And he is the sort of person who looks for people like you who will let him use them. You sound lovely - he sounds awful. Surround yourself with other lovely people, not with people like this.

Hes a twat. What kind of man has sex with a woman knowing shes in agony? Hes a horrible, horrible man. You can do so much better than this. Wake up!

I could cry reading your posts. You are a lovely woman who deserves better. I hope you have counselling after the awful childhood you had with your mum. Do you have any friends in real life to talk to? Please, please just drop him. He is not a good person, and doesnt have the right to be in your life.

@napody no, no one in rl to chat too, just my son, who is very sensible and supportive for 18. I really would not be here if it wasn't for him. He is the only thing that is keeping me going.

I've just found out a few months ago that I'm through the menopause after 10 years of symptoms and being ignored by doctors. I'm only 45. I don't know whether that has anything to do with my thinking, but everything bad that has happened to me, especially things that have been said, I can't get them out of my head. My mother made my childhood miserable, I've brought myself up. Clearly I didn't do a very good job.

Just why?
You don't have to figure him out or fix this. There are no prizes at the end of your life for perseverance.
Don't let the door whack him on the arse on the way out.
Freedom OP!

Tootsey11 sounds like the perfect time to make a change and start prioritizing yourself. Would you look into counselling perhaps? You have been through so much. Your son sounds really lovely. Are you spending christmas with family? Wouldn't it be nice to just be with kind people who treat you properly (even if just a quiet one with you and DS?)

OP the great news here is that you don’t live with him, and your child is adult. What’s stopping you just ending the relationship? You and the cat could have a much more relaxing time on the sofa without him, there’d be less cooking / washing up / sniping, and most importantly there would be a chance of spending your future with someone kind. This man is not kind.

Honestly I hope the sex is absolutely amazing as if not I do not understand why you’re with him.

Your not so ‘d’ p sounds depressed but also controlling and very coercive. The silence says it all, yet he can be charming when he chooses. He had nothing to do with bringing up your ds? He is a narcissist and cares for no-one but himself. You are worth more, OP, do you see that? Stop bloody pandering to him being a miserable fuck, slagging off your cooking and your perfectly normal human desire to communicate. He’s weird, you are not.

Sorry but he sounds like a looser. You know you can do so much better

OP you clearly have very very low self-esteem so I'll be as kind as I can but this has left me absolutely gobsmacked.

You have been with the man 20 years, you have a child with him, who he has played no part in raising, he is not civil to you and won't speak to you most of the time, he demands sex from you although you find it painful and he doesn't contribute financially.

I've come across some stories of awful men on MN in my time but this has left me breathless.

There is no point whatsoever in this man and I just cannot understand why you would put yourself through this. In what universe can you think he deserves you?

Please please please if its the last thing you do get him out.

@Tootsey11

And to all who said my self esteem is low, thanks for reminding me. I was brought up by an abusive mother. Spent my entire childhood being told I wasn't wanted, that I was stupid, that no one would ever want me. When we went out shopping on a Saturday back in the eighties, we would meet other families that she knew. She would tell them too that she didn't want me, that I wasn't needed while I stood there as a child and them looking at me.

I am a decent, honest and kind person who puts my all into everything I do. I couldn't treat anyone badly, I'm not like that, and I know I've been stupid.

Oh love. No one is saying that to have a go at you. You’ve been with a man for 20 years who didn’t bother to raise your son and treats you like shit when he feels like it. You deserve so much more than that. That’s what people are saying.

You’re 45. Get rid of him and be happy and find someone, if you want someone after this, who adds to you life. This bloke clearly doesn’t.

You deserve so much better @Tootsey11.

You're only 45, your independent and caring. You're with a moody man child who didn't help raise his kids despite expecting to continue having you cook his fingers and have sex with him, who doesn't work and can't be bothered to try, who had no empathy about your health conditions and who expects sex despite you being less than nothing from it because it's so painful.

Being single world be better than Keelung this dead weight around your neck

@RedSoloCup

You've been together 20 years and live apart? Have you always lived apart? Have you kids together ?

well I can't work out why OP still tolerates him, but really - would you want to live with this CF PITA? Weird question

That's disgusting behaviour from him (I rarely use disgusting as a word... But his behaviour is).

Please see you are worth so much more than this!

You're so young still!

You've got decades of life ahead of you...

Please DONT WASTE YOUR LIFE analysing him, the whys of why he did this and that....

If he was interested in changing he would have...

I suspect he enjoys having you in this powerless position so he can coerce you.

There's loads of decent men out there... Who are deserving of your love. By staying with him you're stopping your future (with a nice bloke) from happening!!

Was he your first boyfriend? You were really quite young when you got together and considering his older age and the fact he didn't help raise your child, comes to you for food and sex. I really think this might be an abusive or borderline abusive relationship. I think he's taken advantage of the damage your mum did to your self esteem.

He's just using you, he doesn't care about you. You deserve so much better. He's not bringing anything to your life. Get rid, get some help for your self esteem and raise the bar.