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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I ungrateful or justified in being annoyed?

128 replies

notwhatiwanted · 05/12/2020 20:10

Keeping this vague as I have spoken to a few people about this, although I've name changed. This is long so I don't drop feed.

I have a hobby that requires a certain piece of equipment. Let's say it's cycling. My "bike" was damaged accidentally a month or so ago and is irreparable.

I asked DH if he would buy me one for Christmas. I don't need or want anything else. To replace my "bike" is in the region of £300, so outwith our normal budget for Christmas gifts for each other but certainly affordable for him - it wouldn't make a significant dent in his back account.

I mentioned it again a week after I'd initially asked, saying I'd send him some links to ones that would be suitable if he wanted to pick one or should I just pick the exact one I wanted. He doesn't know anything about the type of "bike" I need and hadn't asked about my requirements. He looked confused, said he'd forgotten all about it, and purchased me a gift already. How he'd forgotten in a week, I don't know, but I didn't push the issue.

A suitable "bike" came up for sale locally for half the price of a new one. Perfect, I thought, and made arrangements to buy it. I told DH about it and he was annoyed, telling me he'd arranged a surprise and found one for free, he was collecting it this afternoon. I was, I admit, frustrated and said so. I told him I wasn't sure one that someone was giving away for free would be suitable or do the things I needed it to do. I likened it to me buying him a drill, he likes DIY, but getting him a cheap, underpowered one with a broken handle and expecting him to be happy with it when it wasn't suitable and I could afford a better one. He insisted I have faith and give it a chance, calling me ungrateful and unreasonable for being upset before I'd even seen it, I didn't trust him, etc. I relented and apologised, assuring him I'd give it a go.

Of course, it's awful. Old, clunky, doesn't do a third of the things my old one did let alone all features of the new one I had my eye on. It stinks of smoke and, while the basic functions work, it's not great at them. It's not fit for purpose. DH thinks I'm ungrateful and should be happy he got me a replacement, it's not what I want but I should suck it up and be happy he's so thoughtful.

The thing is, I don't have £300 to buy a new "bike" myself. He earns 10x what I do and although he pays all the bills (including childcare and grocery), my wage is for extras so Christmas presents fall down to me. Usually that's fine and I have spare money but it's Christmas and I've budgeted for all the DC gifts (and for him) and treats for this month, I don't have £300 spare and he knows this. I could use the joint credit card but this would cause a row no doubt. I don't often buy things for myself or ask for expensive items. If this were something I needed for any other reason - clothing, shoes, new glasses, etc - he wouldn't blink at the cost. I only participate in my hobby during the evenings/weekends when he's busy with his or when the DC are sleeping, it doesn't take away from my time with my family, so there's no problem there. If it were an item he needed for a hobby he'd buy it without consulting me and I wouldn't have a problem with it.

The way he's gone about this has made me feel manipulated and unappreciated. AIBU?

OP posts:
LoveBeingAMum555 · 05/12/2020 21:58

I feel really sorry for you OP. I have a hobby too, its very important to me because it makes me happy, encourages me to make time for myself, relaxes me, gives me confidence, and so many other things.

I treasure the equipment I need for my hobby and DH understands that - he scoured ebay to help me upgrade it, and he helps me look after it.

I just feel really sad that your DH is not getting it. Surely any husband or wife would want to buy their partner something shiny and new that would make them really happy if they could afford it? Never mind just going out and buying the thing, I think you need to have a serious talk with DH about this, its not just about money.

Eckhart · 05/12/2020 21:58

I was asking whether my feelings were justified before I talk to DH

Respect your feelings. They are the core you. People will all give you different answers because they aren't you. What other people would do isn't relevant. Whether you are respecting yourself is.

MaskingForIt · 05/12/2020 22:03

@DumplingsAndStew

Just order the sewing machine Wink
Haha, exactly what I though! A crappy second hand one is going to cost you £60 to get serviced, and it still going to be frustrating when it doesn’t do what you want.

Sort the equality of your finances out and buy the £300 machine.

And then tell us which one, because I’m in the market too and can’t chose which I want.

amongthestars · 05/12/2020 22:06

I totally thinking YANBU if he has the money to buy you a brand new one then why would he go out of his way for a free one? Like wtf? Confused id be annoyed too.

FartSnap · 05/12/2020 22:09

I also thought sewing machine. OP, can it wait until Christmas? I'm wondering if he got the free smokey one to throw you off and he's got one for you. Otherwise, maybe he's got you an awesome Christmas gift.

Could you buy it in the January sales if he hasn't already got one?

FartSnap · 05/12/2020 22:10

Oh and of course YANBU for feeling the way you do. My only thought is if he is not usually like this, to try and give him the benefit of the doubt.

PlanDeRaccordement · 05/12/2020 22:11

@MartiniDry

If having someone else pay for my mortgage/rent, phone, broadband, council tax, water rates, gas, electricity, food, toiletries/cleaning stuff, television licence, childcare, and what have you while I get to keep my salary to spend on non-essentials is "financial abuse" I'd like to have me some of that financial abuse!

"Financial abuse"! 😂

Sign me up too!
Runnerduck34 · 05/12/2020 22:13

You're justified in being annoyed, it sounds like he is being delibrately obtuse.
If you want to be diplomatic ride the new one for a couple of weeks then say sorry its really wasnt suitable and buy yourself a new one on the joint credit card-maybe you can get one in the January sales? Hopefully the Christmas present he has already got you is a good one!
But as others have said you do need equal access to family ( his and yours) money, he probably wouldn't be earning 50k unless you were at home doing the childcare, particularly with a disabled child. You make an equal but different contribution and you should both have the same amount of money and time to yourselves.

PlanDeRaccordement · 05/12/2020 22:23

I highly doubt that the DH earning £60k but paying 100% of all the household bills and costs to include housing, heat, water, taxes, car, petrol, food, childcare, clothes, phones, tv, etc will have more disposable income than the OP who keeps every last penny of the £6k she earns. Her only “bill” is gifts for Christmas and holidays. If she can’t manage on £6k a year on fun gifts, she’s not managing her money well.

Telling the OP that they should have the same amount of spending money is most likely going to result in her having to pay a bill or two.

If the OP were my DH and I’d paid 100% of all the bills and left them their entire earnings to spend as they wished on fun stuff and they came to me demanding I pay an extra £300 to them so they can buy yet another gift. That would be some serious cocklodger fuckery right there.

Phineyj · 05/12/2020 22:25

I don't think being dependent on someone else because you have a (mutual) disabled child is particularly enviable, personally. If the OP didn't or couldn't do that care, the DH would have a big, expensive problem (also, this is a guy with a big job, 4 DC, one disabled and a bunch of hobbies - just how hands-on can he be, really?)

Anyway, OP, I think it is definitely worth having a conversation, maybe after Christmas, about how this situation has made you feel. You do not have to be grateful for a secondhand, smelly gift, especially if you put care and thought into gifts yourself.

Phineyj · 05/12/2020 22:29

I would be surprised if the OP's money wasn't also going on stuff for the DC.

CherryBlossomTree7 · 05/12/2020 22:45

Sign me up too!

OP could be earning 20,000 and her husband 200,000. He will probably not even spend half of his salary each year on bills, the house etc, leaving him with 100 grand. OP will use maybe half of her salary per year on some food shopping, the children and whatever else she spends on. She is left with 10,000 and he is left with 100,000 and she has to feel guilty and worried about purchasing something for her probably only hobby. Yes...this is financial abuse.

Your money should be shared IMO and you should not need to 'ask' to buy something. Larger purchases should be ran by your DH but you should not have to ask permission. You are being demoralised and I for one could not live like this.

HotSince63 · 05/12/2020 22:48

OP could be earning 20,000 and her husband 200,000

He's not though. He's earning 60k and paying all bills for a family with 4 children.

I doubt he has 6k a year to himself.

A PP nailed it, if the OP starts talking about equal spending money she'll end up having to chip in for some household bills.

HotSince63 · 05/12/2020 22:49

OP has also stated she has savings.

So she does have the money to buy herself a new sewing machine, but she doesn't want to spend her own money on it.

tiredofthisbsagain · 05/12/2020 22:52

Why wouldn’t you just buy the £150 machine yourself when you earn 6k? Hmm. Just buy it yourself next time.. I don’t believe you need his permission on this one just because it’s a hobby, it’s important to you, save up and buy it next year if you can wait, doesn’t need to be a Christmas present. If you let him decide there was always a chance he would have done what he did.

LannieDuck · 05/12/2020 22:56

Ask him to return the xmas gift he's got you and give you the cash instead? You can put it towards the new item, and maybe find a reduced price one in the xmas sales?

Squirrelsmum · 05/12/2020 23:01

Thank him for the offer. Tell him you gave the freebie a chance like he asked and it isn't fit for purpose so now you'd like one that is.

Sp3849 · 05/12/2020 23:09

I don't work. I am a stay at home mum. One of my children is disabled and I need too be home too care for him. I had a very good. Job and a career I had too give it up, My husbands money is our money. I don't ever buy anything for myself that i don't essentially need and if I can I would buy second hand. If I had a hobby that brought me joy and I needed something too partake in that hobby he would make sure I had it. We are a team! Even if He had too work overtime too give it too me. I don't expect that. But that is what I am worth too him. You should not have too ask for money. You work as much as you can and care for his children. You are a team! He is not short of money and should not make you beg. He may have bought you one for Christmas as a surprise. If you don't get one. Buy yourself one in the January sale on the credit card. Hopefully he will learn not too undervalue you again c

TonkinLenkicks · 05/12/2020 23:24

Forget about the manky bike, bin the husband

Hopeisnotastrategy · 05/12/2020 23:25

@Weenurse

We once needed a new iron. DH said, “your birthday is coming up, I will get it for you then”. I replied “ your birthday is first, I will get it for you”. The look on his face was priceless. Sometimes they need it spelt out very clearly to understand, near enough is not always good enough. Can you lay buy it?
Excellent weenurse.

Respect. 😊

Doggybiccys · 05/12/2020 23:29

I reckon he must be getting at least 3k a month in his hand. He will also be developing a healthy pension pot. You on the other hand must come out with about 300 quid or so and you are using it for presents, activities etc - for 4 DC. So not cheap.
Unless you are going to tell us your bills and childcare are £2900 a month and he’s left with nothing then YANBU.

I’m another one not getting this ‘his’ and ‘mine’ money. Surely it should be pooled as family money. Or you could up your hours and he could go part time and do more of the parenting!
I’ve read too many threads on here with this type of arrangement with the DH having a growing successful career cos the DW facilitates it to the detriment of her own career then the DH leaves and the DW is left begging for scraps from the masters table. I would not be in a relationship where one person held the financial power.

DimidDavilby · 05/12/2020 23:35

I'd be devastated to replace my "bike" with a shit one. How mean of him. Best case scenario he was excited to surprise you? Fuck him tho for trying to make it stick, I vote get a really nice machine on the credit card. If he can afford it, you can afford it! Otherwise you're an indentured labourer no?

namechange5575 · 05/12/2020 23:36

This is dreadful! If your salaries were reversed, would you be expecting to keep all the money and for your partner to be using his part time salary to cover all gifts and go without his hobby? You should both have equal personal spending budgets. Or maybe you should pursue a more financially rewarding career, keep the salary, and he can take on the (unpaid) majority caring duties. Or do you think he wouldn't fancy that?

june2007 · 05/12/2020 23:58

Eckhart I am refering to the presaeant not the freecycle bike/sewingmachine.

ivfbeenbusy · 06/12/2020 07:26

I reckon he must be getting at least 3k a month in his hand.

That's not a lot when you are supporting a family of 6 all on your own.

I earn close to the same amount and would have less "spending" money per month after paying all the bills for 6 then the OP does bringing in £6000 a year and not contributing a penny to the finances

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