Am I ungrateful or justified in being annoyed?

[notwhatiwanted]

Keeping this vague as I have spoken to a few people about this, although I've name changed. This is long so I don't drop feed.

I have a hobby that requires a certain piece of equipment. Let's say it's cycling. My "bike" was damaged accidentally a month or so ago and is irreparable.

I asked DH if he would buy me one for Christmas. I don't need or want anything else. To replace my "bike" is in the region of £300, so outwith our normal budget for Christmas gifts for each other but certainly affordable for him - it wouldn't make a significant dent in his back account.

I mentioned it again a week after I'd initially asked, saying I'd send him some links to ones that would be suitable if he wanted to pick one or should I just pick the exact one I wanted. He doesn't know anything about the type of "bike" I need and hadn't asked about my requirements. He looked confused, said he'd forgotten all about it, and purchased me a gift already. How he'd forgotten in a week, I don't know, but I didn't push the issue.

A suitable "bike" came up for sale locally for half the price of a new one. Perfect, I thought, and made arrangements to buy it. I told DH about it and he was annoyed, telling me he'd arranged a surprise and found one for free, he was collecting it this afternoon. I was, I admit, frustrated and said so. I told him I wasn't sure one that someone was giving away for free would be suitable or do the things I needed it to do. I likened it to me buying him a drill, he likes DIY, but getting him a cheap, underpowered one with a broken handle and expecting him to be happy with it when it wasn't suitable and I could afford a better one. He insisted I have faith and give it a chance, calling me ungrateful and unreasonable for being upset before I'd even seen it, I didn't trust him, etc. I relented and apologised, assuring him I'd give it a go.

Of course, it's awful. Old, clunky, doesn't do a third of the things my old one did let alone all features of the new one I had my eye on. It stinks of smoke and, while the basic functions work, it's not great at them. It's not fit for purpose. DH thinks I'm ungrateful and should be happy he got me a replacement, it's not what I want but I should suck it up and be happy he's so thoughtful.

The thing is, I don't have £300 to buy a new "bike" myself. He earns 10x what I do and although he pays all the bills (including childcare and grocery), my wage is for extras so Christmas presents fall down to me. Usually that's fine and I have spare money but it's Christmas and I've budgeted for all the DC gifts (and for him) and treats for this month, I don't have £300 spare and he knows this. I could use the joint credit card but this would cause a row no doubt. I don't often buy things for myself or ask for expensive items. If this were something I needed for any other reason - clothing, shoes, new glasses, etc - he wouldn't blink at the cost. I only participate in my hobby during the evenings/weekends when he's busy with his or when the DC are sleeping, it doesn't take away from my time with my family, so there's no problem there. If it were an item he needed for a hobby he'd buy it without consulting me and I wouldn't have a problem with it.

The way he's gone about this has made me feel manipulated and unappreciated. AIBU?

Have a look around and see what you can buy for yourself, op. I'm sure you can afford it if you put your mind to it.

I would arrange for the free one to be"stolen" so he has to buy me the new one.

DH thinks I'm ungrateful and should be happy he got me a replacement, it's not what I want but I should suck it up and be happy he's so thoughtful

Yup, he's manipulating you, or trying to. WHY WON'T HE LISTEN TO YOU?!! Sorry to shout, but seriously, this would make me so frustrated that I'm frustrated on your behalf.

Is he normally respectful of you and your feelings? I can't imagine that such blatant piss taking of you is a one off from a usually sensitive, caring person.

Unfortunately the half price machine went to the next person inline for it, so it's no longer an option.

I earn £6k, part time. For several reasons but particularly because I have to be available for the DC due to DH work schedule and disabled DC. DH earns £60k+. He pays all bills, yes. I buy presents, pay for kids activities during the holidays, treats, generally do the "nice" things and buy all the fabric. I'm not usually short of money, if I need shoes or clothes, I buy them with the joint account. Same goes for the kids, if they need anything, they get it, no questions asked. He does his share of housework/child wrangling when he's not at work, looks after the cars/DIY, does the bloody laundry. He's not usually this crap which is probably why I'm a bit flummoxed.

I already have a great overlocker

@DumplingsAndStew

Just order the sewing machine

It's a horse. It's always a horse.

How can he not understand that a smelly machine will make all your fabric and produce stink too🤮

Callling him crap because he didn,t spen £300 pounds on something when he already got you something comes across as a bit entitled.

Next time he asks for something, do the equivalent. Only way he's going to really understand.

I'm not usually short of money, if I need shoes or clothes, I buy them with the joint account. Same goes for the kids, if they need anything, they get it, no questions asked.

That's needing. What about wanting? With a household income like yours, you can have things you want, too. Do you get those, no questions asked? Does he?

Maybe he has bought the lovely new machine for christmas but wants you to be surprised, so has given you the cheap free one to stop you suspecting?

(Possibly clutching at straws here)

We once needed a new iron. DH said, “your birthday is coming up, I will get it for you then”.
I replied “ your birthday is first, I will get it for you”.
The look on his face was priceless.
Sometimes they need it spelt out very clearly to understand, near enough is not always good enough.
Can you lay buy it?

@june2007

Callling him crap because he didn,t spen £300 pounds on something when he already got you something comes across as a bit entitled.

Entitled to presents that aren't free, crap, and reeking of smoke? I think that's a reasonable level of entitlement to feel. It's also called self respect.

Just buy it on the creditcard. It's £300, you can pay it back over the next few months.

If he would just buy something for his hobby without blinking, it should be the same for you.

For clarity, I'm not spending thousands on Christmas presents. I have 4 DC, it adds up. I also have a DC birthday in late December.

I have a DC with a severe disability so I can only work around their care. I'm not lounging around at home while DH is at work.

I do have savings, I just don't feel this is an appropriate use of them, they're supposed to be for emergencies. A broken sewing machine "bike" isn't an emergency.

I was asking whether my feelings were justified before I talk to DH.

You said he's not usually like this so maybe he has got you it already as a Xmas surprise?

YANBU. He's a miserable twat.

Just buy it on credit card. You gave him the chance as requested and he got you a pile of junk. He chose to persuade you not to buy the £150 one. If he causes an argument, he’s treating you like a broken appliance.

as others have said, this is financial abuse OP.

this is your husband we're talking about. he earns 10x what you do, but you can't afford to buy this for yourself? why not? why is the pot of money not shared?

i'd be fuming, and you have every right to feel the same.

I think given you dont work full time because you have a disabled child, then all money should be family money ie you should have the same spending money smarter bills and saving. If not then he can look after your child for 50pc of the time and you can increase your hours. If he was frugal generally then that's different but if he would drop 300 quid on something for himself without discussing family finances with you then I don't think its fair that you can't, it reeks of him thinking that his job outside the home is more important than yours inside the home and that it's his money / he earnt it (even though you facilitated it)

I'd buy the darn thing and let him pick a fight over it if he insists. Tell him he can return your other gift, if he wants, or consider it an early birthday gift or a loan until you can save up to pay for it yourself.

If you (as a family) can afford it and he treats himself without feeling the need to consult you, it feels very selfish of him to expect you to use a stinky old one that doesn't really work.

I just ordered a new Brother innov-is1300 because I was fed up of the tension struggles I was having with my current machine. In the meantime, DH spotted a 1908 Singer hand crank in a local charity shop and bought it for me. (I do have quite a few machines of various vintage), saying he’d found me a great Christmas gift.

When my new machine arrived, DH just shrugged and explained how he was going to sand and varnish the base of the old hand crank.

There’s no way I’d want DH to choose a brand new sewing machine for me, because he wouldn’t have a clue what features I’d be looking for.

Why don’t you just work out which machine you want and either tell him to buy it you for Christmas or tell him you’re buying it yourself and for Christmas you’d like a voucher for £50 to spend at your local fabric store?

I’m a SAHP but DH doesn’t get to decide how much I’m allowed to spend on my hobby, that would be daft.

Oh ffs, you can't take money to the grave. Money is there to be spent. HIs money is your money or this isn't a marriage at all. If he's on £60k you (together you) should have enough savings to afford a lovely "bike" for Xmas (rowing machine was my 2nd guess, btw) without putting your emergency funds into a red zone.

Funny enough I had to talk DH into getting a £300 Xmas gift this year. ( And that really is bike related !) It's nice to have frugal instincts, but not irrational ones.

Please tell us OP that you know how much savings you JOINTLY have since all your (=your & his) savings are JOINT assets. If I'm wrong and your joint savings are < 25k (< ~6 months net household income) then maybe, just maybe, the £300 is an indulgence too far.

Are you sure that the present he's already bought you isn't, in fact, the thing you want?

Either way, I think talk of financial abuse is a a bit much. It sounds like the DH pulls his weight and that the OP has no problems accessing money. Most couples will have a bit of discussion before buying something expensive, but non-essential, and they won't always have exactly the same priorities.

YANBU.

I’m a SAHM but most people would discuss a purchase of £300 despite who earns the most.

In the circumstances you describe my DH would get me the bike for Xmas.

If having someone else pay for my mortgage/rent, phone, broadband, council tax, water rates, gas, electricity, food, toiletries/cleaning stuff, television licence, childcare, and what have you while I get to keep my salary to spend on non-essentials is "financial abuse" I'd like to have me some of that financial abuse!

"Financial abuse"! 😂