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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I ungrateful or justified in being annoyed?

128 replies

notwhatiwanted · 05/12/2020 20:10

Keeping this vague as I have spoken to a few people about this, although I've name changed. This is long so I don't drop feed.

I have a hobby that requires a certain piece of equipment. Let's say it's cycling. My "bike" was damaged accidentally a month or so ago and is irreparable.

I asked DH if he would buy me one for Christmas. I don't need or want anything else. To replace my "bike" is in the region of £300, so outwith our normal budget for Christmas gifts for each other but certainly affordable for him - it wouldn't make a significant dent in his back account.

I mentioned it again a week after I'd initially asked, saying I'd send him some links to ones that would be suitable if he wanted to pick one or should I just pick the exact one I wanted. He doesn't know anything about the type of "bike" I need and hadn't asked about my requirements. He looked confused, said he'd forgotten all about it, and purchased me a gift already. How he'd forgotten in a week, I don't know, but I didn't push the issue.

A suitable "bike" came up for sale locally for half the price of a new one. Perfect, I thought, and made arrangements to buy it. I told DH about it and he was annoyed, telling me he'd arranged a surprise and found one for free, he was collecting it this afternoon. I was, I admit, frustrated and said so. I told him I wasn't sure one that someone was giving away for free would be suitable or do the things I needed it to do. I likened it to me buying him a drill, he likes DIY, but getting him a cheap, underpowered one with a broken handle and expecting him to be happy with it when it wasn't suitable and I could afford a better one. He insisted I have faith and give it a chance, calling me ungrateful and unreasonable for being upset before I'd even seen it, I didn't trust him, etc. I relented and apologised, assuring him I'd give it a go.

Of course, it's awful. Old, clunky, doesn't do a third of the things my old one did let alone all features of the new one I had my eye on. It stinks of smoke and, while the basic functions work, it's not great at them. It's not fit for purpose. DH thinks I'm ungrateful and should be happy he got me a replacement, it's not what I want but I should suck it up and be happy he's so thoughtful.

The thing is, I don't have £300 to buy a new "bike" myself. He earns 10x what I do and although he pays all the bills (including childcare and grocery), my wage is for extras so Christmas presents fall down to me. Usually that's fine and I have spare money but it's Christmas and I've budgeted for all the DC gifts (and for him) and treats for this month, I don't have £300 spare and he knows this. I could use the joint credit card but this would cause a row no doubt. I don't often buy things for myself or ask for expensive items. If this were something I needed for any other reason - clothing, shoes, new glasses, etc - he wouldn't blink at the cost. I only participate in my hobby during the evenings/weekends when he's busy with his or when the DC are sleeping, it doesn't take away from my time with my family, so there's no problem there. If it were an item he needed for a hobby he'd buy it without consulting me and I wouldn't have a problem with it.

The way he's gone about this has made me feel manipulated and unappreciated. AIBU?

OP posts:
ReallyLazy · 05/12/2020 20:50

Haha. I thought sewing machine too.

Your financial set up sounds bizarre. If you have no bills to pay I'm confused why you can't buy it for yourself? Don't you save any of your money?

Hahaha88 · 05/12/2020 20:50

Clearly a sewing machine. Not sure why that would be particularly outing.
It was fair to try a free one, just tell him now it doesn't suit your needs and that you're getting a new one on the credit card. But above all that, realign the family finances so it's fair!

Cherrysoup · 05/12/2020 20:51

Do you have access to a joint account? If so, just be brave and buy it. Don’t tolerate the whatever it is that doesn’t do what you want, you’ll be forever resentful.

Incrediblytired · 05/12/2020 20:51

This would peeve me too. You aren’t being ungrateful. He didn’t listen to you or value your hobby, just gave you any old shit.

The hopeless romantic within me would like to think he’s spend a fortune on a phenomenal Christmas present for you but ....

I’d buy myself the second hand one tbh.

pictish · 05/12/2020 20:52

I also thought sewing machine!

OP yanbu. I’d be pissed off too.

jgjgjgjgjg · 05/12/2020 20:52

You have a much bigger problem than the "bike" here. But I think you know that.

Why don't you ask him what he would do if a prized item of his broke? Golf clubs, posh running gear, latest fishing rod, or whatever expensive piece of equipment he uses for his hobbies. Presumably he'll say "I'd just buy a new one of course". Then ask him straight out why you can't buy a new "bike" then?

His response will tell you a lot. Either he'll see the error of his ways and the gross unfairness of your financial situation.

Or he'll say something either directly or indirectly which confirms that he believes his needs and wants are more important than yours and he has more right to the money than you.

pictish · 05/12/2020 20:53

Buy the second hand one if it’s still going.

CarolinaWeeper · 05/12/2020 20:56

Your financial set up sounds bizarre. If you have no bills to pay I'm confused why you can't buy it for yourself? Don't you save any of your money?

Quite. If he covers all bills and you bring in a wage surely you should be able to buy it yourself? Although the whole way your finances are structured sounds ridiculous.

seven201 · 05/12/2020 20:57

Use the credit card for the sewing machine it. Put an overlocker on it too!

UtterlyUnimaginativeUsername · 05/12/2020 20:58

Buy the second hand one with the joint credit card. He can try and pick a row if he wants to, you don't have to pander to it.

BigBaublesGalore · 05/12/2020 20:59

I wouldn't be able to live like this either... really curious to know how your finances are set up and how much he earns as it really doesn't seem fair on you at all.

I was thinking maybe he's already bought it for you for Xmas after you asked him initially and doesn't want you to go ahead and buy it because of that?

Does he have previous for making you feel like you're not worthy of the things you want even though you have the money?

BonnieDundee · 05/12/2020 20:59

I dont think it's right that he can buy something from the joint account and you cant without causing a row. Yes hes a high earner but would he be able to do that job if you weren't picking up the childcare/housework/general life admin? If so, it's not "his" money

PlanDeRaccordement · 05/12/2020 20:59

YABU your wage doesn’t pay any bills at all and you can’t even budget for £300 gift for yourself? You need to manage your money better.
Sell the one he got you, and buy what you need.

GlamGiraffe · 05/12/2020 21:00

Why would he want to deprive the person he supposedly loves of something that makes them happy when it makes pretty much no difference to him. Its just not nice.
Id use the credit card and buy what you want. You asked for it as a present to start with. Youve been ignored since despite your explanations. He can give the fantadtic free model he has since acquired to someone else who might also think its as fabulous as he does!

pompey38 · 05/12/2020 21:03

I would use the credit card and the DH can do one if he doesn’t like it, I hate seeing women in situations like this, scared of the DH’s kicking off , not having money of their own nor proper freedom , having to justify every penny . WHY ???

ivfbeenbusy · 05/12/2020 21:05

I wouldn't be able to live like this either... really curious to know how your finances are set up and how much he earns as it really doesn't seem fair on you at all.

She doesn't pay a single bill. She uses the joint credit card which he pays for for her clothes, shoes, glasses etc.

All her wage goes on "gifts"

I'd say she has it pretty good

That's why she sounds so ungrateful

HotSince63 · 05/12/2020 21:06

I don't understand how he pays all of the bills, childcare, groceries - and you are earning, and seemingly not contributing towards the household, and yet you haven't even got £300 saved?

BrummyMum1 · 05/12/2020 21:07

This is about your financial set up. If you need something specific you shouldn’t have to shoe horn it into a Christmas present idea in order to get it.

12frogsincoats · 05/12/2020 21:07

You don't pay a single bill. I can understand why he might expect you to buy your own sewing machine.

category12 · 05/12/2020 21:08

Buy the one you want on the credit card.

Beautiful3 · 05/12/2020 21:10

Treat yourself and get the new one using your joint credit card. He earns a good wage, so theres no issue there. Stop being mean to yourself, you deserve it op.

RandomMess · 05/12/2020 21:11

OP probably had hundreds to thousands saved but it has all been spent on Christmas for the DC the DH, family, friends etc etc. That is what she is to spend her earnings on as she explained.

If you have a decent/high income as a family you usually spend quite a bit on Christmas gifts!

lljkk · 05/12/2020 21:17

My vote is also sewing machine.
A good bike or kayak would cost way more than £300...

Sounds like financial abuse tbh, OP. Sorry to say something so harsh, but is how your story sounds.

katy1213 · 05/12/2020 21:18

Just buy it on the joint credit card and say it's your Christmas present to yourself. And don't take any nonsense from him. (You could always knock it off the budget for his present!)
And for the future, don't let yourself be the second-class person in your marriage.

Viviennemary · 05/12/2020 21:18

Such a huge difference in income seldom works if people aren't prepared to share. I don't think this is anything to do with the bike. He doesn't want to replace it with a new one and isnt prepared to buy you the £150 second hand one. Perhaps he feels he pays for enough if he is responsible for all bills. And has already bought you an expensive present.

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