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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Aibu to feel pissed off by this..

95 replies

Survivingastorm · 05/12/2020 19:10

Ex and I don't have a good relationship but we do have a beautiful 2 yr old dd. There is a lot of history and in comparison to some of the things he has done this isn't the worst but has for some reason pissed me off.

He has said to me I don't need to pack clothes for dd as he has some for me to find they are from poundland and due to the poor quality haven't kept dd warm. Don't get me wrong I'm not a snob, but exp earns 80k and buys his clothes from good retailers yet he gets our dds clothes from poundland. I'm actually so mad, I earn less than 15k but I always make sure I buy quality clothes for dd (tu, george, next etc) I mean id much rather her be in good clothes than buy for myself and yet her dad has gone to poundland.

Does anyone else think aibu to feel this pissed off by it? Probably a build up of all the other let downs but I would have thought I'd be used to it by now

OP posts:

Soubriquet · 05/12/2020 19:39

A short sleeved body suit...in November?!

And I bet this saint of man went out in shorts and t shirt too

SadSecretSanta · 05/12/2020 19:40

I wouldn’t have thought there was much difference between clothes from Poundland and clothes from sainsburys or asda.

sofiaaaaaa · 05/12/2020 19:40

Especially if you think he’s doing it to punish you

Original poster

Survivingastorm · 05/12/2020 19:41

@feministbias I wouldn't care if dd came home and those clothes where dirty, id welcome it as it would mean he let her get dirty and explore which he doesn't either.

It isn't that the clothes are from poundland just the fact that he will live with some much luxury yet always when it has come to dd has never done that.. first Xmas didn't even buy her any present. He doesn't show he cares with his time or affect and doesn't even bother with his money. I find myself constantly hunting for signs that he may care for dd and then just get disappointed.

OP posts:

SmileyClare · 05/12/2020 19:42

You've left him to escape his controlling abusive behaviour so this seems his pathetic attempt to get at you (via your daughter).

I don't think you're a snob particularly, you're probably just recognising he's playing pathetic power games.
It must be so difficult to co parent with an ex who abused you.

Happygogoat · 05/12/2020 19:43

I doubt Asda is much different to Poundland tbf, the issue is that he won't put her in a coat?? What's that about?

RosePetalss · 05/12/2020 19:43

Does he have a coat for her, don’t think you have actually said?

So if she walks out in a coat he actually takes the coat off her and hands it back?

ExclamationPerfume · 05/12/2020 19:43

There is absolutely nothing wrong with Poundland clothes. You are a snob.

Original poster

Survivingastorm · 05/12/2020 19:46

@sofiaaaaaa it is currently in court and social are involved. In comparison this isn't even bad like I said but it really just got to me. And maybe it is the case that he knows it would get to me, not because of the money aspect, I think it's just the effort.. and again projection too.

OP posts:

lovepickledlimes · 05/12/2020 19:46

@Survivingastorm with my mum she found co parenting so impossible she had sole custody of me.

So literally he made use of the little control he had which was what I wear, eat and not letting me take the toys or books from his side of the family back to my mum. My mum was appalled at the extend of his pettinesses when she asked me why I never brought the princess fancy dress costumes my gran made when I was little. She did not know about them until I just showed her a picture of me playing with my cousin. She never saw those pictures either as my dad refused to share

BecomeStronger · 05/12/2020 19:47

@Survivingastorm

He doesn't like me to send her with her coat, I always send her in woolen jumpers just to keep her warm.

You're not buying children's "woolen" jumper from Tu, George or Next. Poundland quality won't be much different tobthe supermarkets, I'd argue you're wasting your money out of snobbishness.

If she is actually cold, that's different, but how do you know?

sofiaaaaaa · 05/12/2020 19:49

Do the social workers know about your concerns re the clothing? If not, tell them as it’s their job to investigate. The courts will be familiar with cases where one parent punishes the kids to get a reaction from the other parent.

PoorMansPaulaRadcliffe · 05/12/2020 19:53

Fuck me. A woman who self-confessedly buys her daughter clothes from ASDA is hardly a snob, ffs. She may be wrong that they're better quality, but she's hardly Hyacinth Bouquet.

Funnily enough, I don't suspend my welfare concerns when my kids are on their dad's time. If they're inadequately dressed, they're inadequately dressed and it matter not a jot who they're with: cold weather is no respecter of parental contact hours. He may be keeping your DD warm but he may not be and if you suspect the latter you're obviously - obviously! - free to say so.

I'd be pissed off that he's buying sweat shop shite for her and paying top dollar for his own stuff. You have a limited budget in line with your small wage - his is bigger. He should stop being such a fucking Billy Big-Time and buy her some decent clothing.

Original poster

Survivingastorm · 05/12/2020 20:02

@BecomeStronger no the woolen clothes are from h&m. And hardly snobbishness that I like to ensure I dress my dd in warm clothes. I know she is cold as she returns shivering and then tried to raise in court that I don't dress her properly. But like I have stated I now realise it isn't about where the clothes have come from but a combination of his behaviour and lack of care for dd.

As for if he has a coat for her I do not know all I know is the information he gives me.

@sofiaaaaaa social are aware with regards to clothing as well. Just started this thread to figure out why I am so bothered by something that logically I know is so small especially in comparison to everything he has ever done to dd but I realise it is just me holding out hope that ex will be a dad good to dd and that's not to say oh he brought from poundland what an awful parent he is because that would be ridiculous but it is just another thing.. so so small but still.

@Soubriquet oh no he was nicely wrapped up. Again not the worst thing he has ever done.

OP posts:

mollypuss1 · 05/12/2020 20:03

@PoorMansPaulaRadcliffe I think people, myself included, are using the word snob because that’s the term the OP used herself. It doesn’t matter if she buys her clothes from Asda, her first post was looking down on Poundland clothes compared to those from Asda, that’s snobbish despite how ridiculous it is.

SmileyClare · 05/12/2020 20:05

Yeah I agree, I think you know he's doing it to piss you off. Refusing to take her coat is another example of him choosing to be petty and perhaps controlling.

I'd take the advice from pps; concentrate on your concerns over dds welfare in his care and try to rise above his attempts to annoy you.

Original poster

Survivingastorm · 05/12/2020 20:09

@mollypuss1 I wasn't looking down on poundland clothes, more the fact that ex will spend so much money on himself, his cars, clothes etc but whenever it has comes to dd he will go as cheap as he can go. And not because dd may get dirty as he hates dd getting dirty as stated by him (social are also aware) but just because well I'm not too sure but I'm guessing it's why bother.

I realise my OP was probably misleading but I now know it's because I didn't know why I was so pissed off.. obviously the clothing being inadequate for the weather that's a given that I'm not being unreasonable but I couldn't figure out why I was annoyed at them being from poundland and then the penny dropped

OP posts:

BloggersBlog · 05/12/2020 20:18

I understand what you mean. He's all warm and toasty in his good quality clothes, but the cheapest possible is good enough for his daughter. Not rocket science. But some posters prefer to nitpick every ruddy thing.

So if he sat there with a steak, and gave DD cheapest meat possible,(I darent say a cheap sausages option from a certain store as that may send some posters into orbit with snob accusations) that would be OK because at least he was feeding her?? Of course not.

Yes he's putting his wanting to get at you, before his daughter's welfare. What a nasty, cruel man.

slipperywhensparticus · 05/12/2020 20:20

So you send her in a coat he removes the coat and hands it back then says your not dressing her appropriately?

Get a ring doorbell which will show you leaving the house with her appropriately dressed

Poppingnostopping · 05/12/2020 20:23

I agree with you OP, it's about the disparity about what he wears and what he puts your daughter in, which is the cheapest thinnest not warm clothes. I wear clothes from Tu and I've dressed my kids in Tu clothes. He presumably doesn't wear anything from Poundland.

You are right, but ultimately being a bit of a crap dad won't be enough at the moment for any refusal of contact, just keep dressing her warmly and knowing you are doing a great job. Him, not so much.

sofiaaaaaa · 05/12/2020 20:24

OP I understand exactly what you mean, it’s just that the stuff about Poundland etc may have clouded the matter initially.

Ignoring where the clothes are from, if he’s dressing her inappropriately in winter (ie she’s in a bodysuit alone) and purposely making her cold to punish you/get a reaction/score points etc you have every right to be annoyed. It’s basically child abuse.

mollypuss1 · 05/12/2020 20:27

@Survivingastorm fair enough. Your OP did come across as looking down on Poundland clothes compared to what you deemed as better quality from Asda which is why a few posters jumped on this, hopefully now you have clarified it won’t detract from the real issue you have with your ex.

Original poster

Survivingastorm · 05/12/2020 20:31

@slipperywhensparticus exactly that, I had to start recording just to prove that I was dressing her appropriately and he was taking off her coat.

@Poppingnostopping most definitely not enough to stop contact but I just couldn't understand given everything he has done why it bothered me. Think I really just need to stop hoping that one day he'll take an interest in dd and just be a good dad, I want that so much for dd but then every little thing is pissing me off, obviously not meaning stuff to do with dds welfare but things like this or ex not contacting or seeing dd when she was in hospital. I should save that mental energy.

OP posts:

SmileyClare · 05/12/2020 20:34

It would be tempting to wrap up some Poundland socks or something and give them to him for Christmas "from dd". There are some hideous polyester ones in there covered in Santa faces.

Edel2019 · 05/12/2020 20:35

I think yabu but I don't want to put it in caps because it feels rude 🤣

I'm all for keeping the babies warm of course, but she's 2, she'll grow out of the clothes soon, why spend a load, as long as she's warm and comfy surely that's all that matters

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