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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think the flowers should be cancelled?

112 replies

FairfaxAikman · 05/12/2020 18:29

My DGF (in his 90s) has had a massive stroke yesterday and won't survive - we are basically marking the hours at this point.
But it's let to a bit of a disagreement between me and my DF.

My grandparents 64th wedding anniversary is next week. DGF has ordered flowers, as he has every year.
I think they should be cancelled as receiving them so soon would destroy my DGM, who is in poor health herself.
DF thinks they should be left as it's what DGF wants.

AIBU to think it's a bad idea?

OP posts:
MatildaTheCat · 05/12/2020 19:52

It will undoubtedly be a bitter sweet gift for the DGM but a gesture she will cherish for her remaining days.

Will she have someone staying with her?

Littleposh · 05/12/2020 19:53

I would want to receiver them in her position

billybagpuss · 05/12/2020 19:55

This is very similar to my dgps. My grandad died a couple of days after my grans birthday. He had sent her flowers for her birthday and every year afterwards the company sent their usual marketing flyer out. She mentioned it every year. After about 5 years, with mums permission I phoned and removed them from the mailing list. Gran noticed, and was sad she didn’t get one. I came clean and we both had a few tears. But please don’t cancel them, I’m sure you will get tears, but she will remember them and that memory will be of his last gift.

EthelMerman · 05/12/2020 19:57

Oh don’t cancel them. It will bring her comfort, painful as it may also be to receive them knowing he’s no longer here. It was something he did and it would almost be worse if she ever found out you had cancelled them, albeit from the best of intentions. It will remind her of their enduring love.

OP I’ve seen you’ve agreed not to cancel them. Well done. Look after yourself and family in the tough days ahead.

Happygogoat · 05/12/2020 19:58

@Parmavioletgin1

I don't really think its your business to cancel your grandfather's last gift to his wife.
Exactly this.

Yes it's devastating.

But also devastating not to receive?? She has the rest of her life without her husband looming. This is the last gift from him. It's meaningful to know he thought of her.

She can even keep the flowers/have them pressed. Next year will be her first anniversary with nothing - why bring that forward on top of this trauma.

It's totally not your place. Warn her/ask what she would prefer if needs be. But if someone does that behind her back it's awful!

TiersOfAClown · 05/12/2020 19:59

Some posters here would do well to remember that the OP is also losing someone they (presumably) love dearly. Give advice by all means but swearing at the OP is downright nasty and cruel.

MyristicaFragrans · 05/12/2020 20:00

YABVVVU

ClaireP20 · 05/12/2020 20:01

I cannot believe you would cancel, it is beyond cruel. And non of your damn business. Do not 'warn' your grandmother either!!!! You do not need to speak to anyone. It would ruin something wonderful for her if you start warning her. Stay out of it. I mean, I am frankly aghast at this - I just can't believe you would be so cruel. I also feel sorry for your dad, you telling him they should be cancelled. I mean, isn't he going through enough without you being so bloody bossy. Stay..out...of..it...

Neveranynamesleft · 05/12/2020 20:01

Do not cancel. Do not say a word to her. None of your business. Simple.

Rachie1973 · 05/12/2020 20:01

Please don’t ‘warn’ anyone. Let your father take his natural place as the nearer relative and butt out.

thosetalesofunexpected · 05/12/2020 20:04

Hi Op..

Sorry to hear about your Grandfathers decline in health,with a stroke.
But how wonderful your Grandparents marriage has been successful so long.

(Don't deny your Grandmother,the opportunity of what could be her last chance, gift, she will ever recieve from her husband..

Redglitter · 05/12/2020 20:06

You don't need to warn the delivery guy ffs. If your Grandfather does pass away these won't be the only flowers she receives. The delivery person isn't going to stand while she opens the card. They'll dump them on the steps and run.

You need to butt out. Leave the flowers ordered (can't actually believe you even considered cancelling them) and just let them arrive. You don't need to tell her anything

shreddednips · 05/12/2020 20:06

I'm so sorry to hear about your grandfather OP Thanks I'm glad to hear that you're not cancelling the flowers, but I also don't think that you should warn her either. This is the last wonderful gesture of love that he has made to his wife, and warning her will not change the grief that she will feel or make it easier. I think you should just let it remain a final private gesture of love between them without any interference from anyone else. Sending lots of love to you and your family.

notangelinajolie · 05/12/2020 20:10

The gift is not yours to cancel.
Stunned that you assume it is.

Ashard20 · 05/12/2020 20:11

Not receiving them would be a brutal reinforcement that he had died. There will be enough "firsts" in the coming year without one so swiftly after the event.
And surely, after his death, she will be given flowers anyway -by other people? It seems unkind to decide that she will find his flowers too upsetting when she will probably receive flowers from others in sympathy.

Mydogmylife · 05/12/2020 20:16

@ClaireP20

I cannot believe you would cancel, it is beyond cruel. And non of your damn business. Do not 'warn' your grandmother either!!!! You do not need to speak to anyone. It would ruin something wonderful for her if you start warning her. Stay out of it. I mean, I am frankly aghast at this - I just can't believe you would be so cruel. I also feel sorry for your dad, you telling him they should be cancelled. I mean, isn't he going through enough without you being so bloody bossy. Stay..out...of..it...
This
oatmilk4breakfast · 05/12/2020 20:16

Please don’t cancel them, just warn her. So sorry for your loss.

Happyheartlovelife · 05/12/2020 20:17

Oh my goodness

No. It’s not your choice. It’s not you choice to cancel them. He ordered them. Don’t do it

If I found someone cancelled my dying husbands last wish. I wouldn’t ever speak to them again. That’s disgraceful

oatmilk4breakfast · 05/12/2020 20:18

Yes thinking about it. Why would you even warm her? It will be bittersweet for her but if they arrive every year she will surely be expecting them anyway. A beautiful parting gift.

Timbucktime · 05/12/2020 20:19

Please don’t cancel them

Original poster
FairfaxAikman · 05/12/2020 20:20

Just to set the record straight on a few things

Firstly o wouldn't have been responsible for cancelling should we have decided to do so - I don't have power of attorney. This was simply my opinion on the discussion amongst the family (and I wasn't the only one to hold it)

As for DF being the "nearer" relative- by blood maybe, but I was brought up by my grandparents after my DM died and my DF's long and unpredictable shifts in a hospital made it difficult for me to stay with him (though he lived nearby). I am very close to both my grandparents as I am in effect the daughter they never had (DFs words)

And as a PP pointed out, I too am losing a loved family member. I am possibly not thinking straight and have admitted I'm wrong to think as I did. Cut the rudeness please.

OP posts:
Mooey89 · 05/12/2020 20:24

I’m so sorry for your loss OP.
I can see your thought process, but especially if he orders it every year for her, imagine how upsetting a reminder the sudden silence of none will be this year. Better that she receives the last gift to her. It will be a difficult day either way.
Take care

Quaagars · 05/12/2020 20:26

And as a PP pointed out, I too am losing a loved family member. I am possibly not thinking straight and have admitted I'm wrong to think as I did. Cut the rudeness please

Flowers Hope you saw my comment, said good on you for asking AIBU and then reflecting on the answers, doesn't always happen on here lol Maybe a thread people should really read OP's post before "going in." Now easier to do when MN have done a see all OP's posts thing
MrsTwitcher · 05/12/2020 20:28

Sorry about your grandad but just leave things as they are. Presumably nana will be with you all on their anniversary so you can all support each other. POA is irrelevant. There is no need to warn anyone.

hiredandsqueak · 05/12/2020 20:29

Dm died the day before df's birthday. Df was only 42 and in good health so no worries there. He treasured the card and the gift that dm had got db to buy for her. I don't think you should cancel the flowers.

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