Feeling left out at Christmas.

[christmastime4120]

Hi all, I’m nearing 30 and have 2 children.

I may be told I’m coming across spoilt or precious.

My mum always had the attitude that Christmas is all for the kids (which of course is right, I want my children to have an amazing Christmas).

My mum stopped buying me gifts (even for my birthday) when I turned about 18-19 maybe. I also had my first child pretty young so rather than buying for me she would spend maybe £40 on my
son. I don’t get anything - even on my birthday. I’d appreciate even something small like a box of chocolates.

My brothers and siblings are quite a bit younger than me (2 in teens and 1 early twenties) but they still have hundreds spent on them but I get bugger all and I mean nothing when they get about £500 each spent on them - even my brother in his twenties.

I understand I have children now. She buys them maybe a few gifts each maybe around £30 each and it’s usually tat.

Money is not the issue here. They aren’t short of money - my mum and my stepdad (who she’s been with since I was 10!) have a considerable amount of money coming in. Ive never had my bio dad around if that’s even relevant to this post.

Aibu to feel really pushed out? I know Christmas isn’t about receiving and I always thought it was the norm for adults not to receive presents from their parents once they got to a certain age. But my brother is in his twenties and gets loads. I know I have children she buys for but it’s not like she spends loads and loads on them.

I can’t imagine not ever wanting to buy my children gifts even when they are
Adults.

I even buy my mum and stepdad something buy don’t think I’ll bother this year. I know you shouldn’t buy to receive but seriously I get nothing back.

They are very money orientated and very selfish with it. Like once I borrowed £3 cash for my children - her grandchildren to get an ice cream as they wouldn’t take card and was immediately demanding it back via bank transfer 🤷‍♀️

My mother in law rang me yesterday to ask if I needed anything for Christmas and it makes me emotional that she bothers more than my own family - not just on Christmas.

Aibu to just feel a little jealous (I know, I know), pushed out, left out and just like I don’t matter?

I’d totally understand if money was an issue but it’s not in this case.

I think that’s terrible, she should get you something.
I would expect the siblings living at home to get more. as I assume you don’t live with mum ? And I’d expect you to get less as she’s buying for your children.
I’d be interested to know what is written in her will, if she has one.

Are your siblings your stepfathers biological children?

Have you asked her why? It’s not right if she buys for your adult brother but not you.

I think that's horrible too. If she said no gifts once you are 21 or whatever then fair enough, but it is really unfair that she is treating her children differently. Absolutely don't buy for her, and tell her how you feel.

Not normal at all, OP. Sorry you're being treated like this.

People will be along to tell you not to be spoilt, but YANBU, on the face of it that's pretty crap.

Have they helped you out in other ways though? Financially, or free childcare? Maybe in their heads that's the equivalent of getting your brothers expensive presents, only one is spread out over the year and the other is all at once?

Thanks all. I totally understand as an adult and parent I wouldn’t get much of course. But my brother in his twenties gets hundreds.

Yes they are his biological children. He raised me too (from age 10) as I never had my dad around (never met him). I don’t think it’s my stepdad. He’s pretty generous but my mother rules the roost.

My mother isn’t the easiest to talk. She can be hard work.

I know she buys gifts for her neighbours, cousins she never sees, her own siblings etc 🤣 just not me!

We have an okay relationship. Not overly close but not distant either. But I do let a lot slide as she’s not someone you want to fall out with. She has a nasty streak and a very jealous nature - not there’s anything to be jealous of with me!

In previous years myself and partner always joke about it all. One year I did get some biscuits and we made a joke out of it as if she knew me well enough she would know I’m not into biscuits and prefer chocolate - or wine 🤣

@ReallySpicyCurry god no! They don’t help with anything! I was a single mum to my oldest for a few years until I met my partner. Never supported me at all!

Yes they are his biological children. He raised me too (from age 10) as I never had my dad around (never met him). I don’t think it’s my stepdad. He’s pretty generous but my mother rules the roost.

You never know.

Your mother is behaving very badly towards you, I think, and your stepfather hasn't intervened.

Your mother sounds nasty. Just remember this when you come to pick her nursing home.

This is very strange and pretty hurtful, I’m sorry OP! It’s the even giving presents to neighbours that shocked me.. how is your relationship generally with your mum? I’m slightly at a loss as to what you can do,s I understand it would be embarrassing and feel childish to ask for a present...or to complain about unfairness... could you joking ask stepdad, “ have you any idea what I’ve done that all the siblings plus Mrs Smith down road gets a present, but gubbins here hasnt for years?” Or wistfully say, I miss getting a gift now and then, can’t wait till my children are grown ups so I can share the excitement of opening presents again. Or suggest secret Santa to whole family?

OP it is unfair but I suspect it due to a few things (none of them fair in my opinion but others will say it is)

1. you’ve grown and left home, and then 10+ years later when it is your brother’s turn the same idea hasn’t been applied to him. You don’t say if he has fully left home/ has children of his own etc but if he hasn’t that may be part of it.
2. Your mother sees it as buying for your children instead of you (albeit much less than she would of spent on your brother)
3. I would love to think this isn’t true but may have something to do with you not being biologically your step dad's. Awful if it is but it did cross my mind reading your update

It is unfair and you are not unreasonable to feel the way you do. The year I was pregnant with my DS and ever since I wasn’t given a bday or Xmas present by my step mum and dad while my sister and step sister had hundreds of pounds spent on them (neither live at home). I was told that when the baby arrived they would be giving me things for him, helping with the cost of a pram etc. Well that never materialised. They’ve given him the odd thing but nothing in the realms to what is spent on my step sister and to a lesser extent my sister. I do feel it is something to do with my step mum doing the buying etc. It is unfair, it upsets me and I wish I had the courage to call it out but I don’t have the best relationship with my step mum and i don’t get to see my dad much on his own (he works long hours). I’m sorry you are experiencing this- it is shit.

OP unfortunately there's nothing you can do. It hurts though I know.
My dm favours my siblings over me, always has done. The last few Christmases I got £10 in a card. Last Christmas dm surpassed herself, on Christmas morning she rummaged in her bag and found a gift card she had been given and said she didn't know how much was on it but I could have it.
My dsis and sil got watches from John Lewis!
It's not the amount it's the pure lack of care when I know she's spent time choosing gifts for the others.
I'm lucky my df, they're separated, treats us all fairly but always acknowledges to me that dm's behaviour is wrong and he doesn't understand it. Somehow that helps.

I feel for you because that's not nice. There are a lot of posts on MN about gifts and a lot of people are quick to accuse others of being 'grabby' but in reality, not receiving a gift when others do is bound to hurt. It's human. I think transparency on gift giving is important in families and friendships because so much confusion and uncertainty can arise from people being inconsistent.

Morning OP. I don't think you're being precious or spoilt. I understand maybe scaling back with presents as adults when you have children but not to get you anything at all is just wrong and not even for your birthday either? I don't understand why she would do that. I'm sure just a token gift would be appreciated by you as your post doesn't come across as grabby or anything - It's not about giving to receive, as you say, but to not get you a little something is not nice.

Don’t get them anything this year and see what they say. They could get token gifts for you, but spending £500 on the other siblings is unfair.

She buys for your siblings, the neighbours and cousins and her siblings she doesn't see? Then she's just not a very nice person. She has singled you out to not receive anything. It shows you what she thinks of you and it's not because she buy a small gift for the children.
Time to just stop bothering with her, Don't get them anything anymore. Go low contact, if she asks where is her present, use her own words. You are over 18 so don't presents same as you do for me Mum. Change the subject.
I hope you don't do all the hosting, so she gets to disrespect you then eat all your food and use you that way.

My mum dies years ago and my dad is still alive...I haven't received a birthday or Xmas gift since I left home at 19....49 now....upsets me every year...x

I was going to say YABU as adults needing presents from their parents is completely ridiculous. But the fact that they treat your siblings differently is unfair. My parents have not bought me a birthday or xmas present for years but they treat my younger brother exactly the same.

Your mum’s stance really isn’t normal. And no, don’t bother getting them anything anymore. Get yourself something nice instead with the money you don’t spend on them.

This post has made me quite sad :(

I've seen similar situations in other families so I know it does happen. I'd feel totally gutted if I was you. I agree with PP, definitely do not buy her anything this year!!

This is awful op and makes me so sad, my mum grew up being treated differently to her sibling and it means she is fair to the point of ridiculousness but it is always fair. We joke about that but the why is very sad. Personally I would not buy any of them anything. There will no doubt be a conversation and I would be completely honest about your feelings. My husband’s half sibling is treated so, so differently to him and I used to get furious on his behalf and it doesn’t bother him because he dealt with it a long time ago in his heart but it means he is closed off from that parent and that is also sad. I recently watched Love Lives I think it’s called on iplayer and the episode on her relationship with her mother was very emotional and echos some of your feelings here, really made me think and might be worth a watch. I hope you have a lovely Christmas as your own little family and if I were you I would buy yourself something truly beautiful abs frivolous with the money you would have spent on them!

Thank you all 🌸 my brother lives at home - she even buys for his girlfriend but they don’t have children. Annoyingly at least 2 of my siblings could get a job when they choose not too (my brother has worked but is pretty lazy and isn’t working - not just due to covid). But has so much handed to him.

I worry I sound petty and I worry if I bring this up to my mother she’ll turn it around me (she has a good way of doing that).

Thankfully I have my grandma. I never expect her to buy me anything as money is tight since my grandpa died but she always treats me at Christmas but again she still buys for my mother and all her children, grandchildren and great grandchildren! So my mum definitely gets the better deal.

I think the reason she doesn’t buy a huge amount for my children (I don’t expect much for them but it’s not a lot compared to what she spends on her younger children) is because she thinks because they get stuff bought from my in laws so she doesn’t have to spend much and DS gets gifts from his dads family. I only had one set of grandparents growing up and so did my siblings as they don’t get on with stepdads family. She thinks it means they need more I think. I’m not sure if it should work like this.

One year not too long ago she caused an argument as an elderly relative had gifted my young children something but not my brother as he had reached 18. Said relative (not a particularly close relative so she isn’t expected to buy anything imo!) doesn’t have grandchildren of her own so likes to do it. Yet my mum caused a scene that my brother didn’t have something that year and was unfair that mine did 🤣🤣

I just feel done with it all. My family can be the definition of toxic.

That is really sad to not acknowledge birthdays and Christmas with even a small gift isn't right op I'm sorry they are like this towards you, at least your mil is kind and thoughtful.

Your Mum is disrespecting you, even as you said, a box of chocolates. A present is supposed to be a gesture of love. I think you need to stop expecting anything from her. You can't get blood out of a stone. It may take time, but the more you can detach emotionally the happier you will feel. The good news is that now you can mother yourself. Buy yourself some treats this Christmas and stop investing in messed up people.

That is extremely hurtful, YADNBU

Your mother should be acknowledging your birthdays and christmas, it is not about the expense or the gift, it is symbolic to a certain degree, but important nonetheless.

This is what I would do in your position. I would send a box of chocolates not fancy ones - 2.99 from the supermarket, for both parents from your children (their grandchildren) and ask the children to draw a christmas card and I would do that every single year for birthdays and Christmases. This will acknowledge that she buys for the dc, so they are returning the gift, but nothing from you.

Should she ask where her present is, you should be open and honest.
'Every year I am hurt because you do not acknowledge my birthday or christmas, so this year I have made a few changes. I hope you enjoy the chocolates, the dc chose them for you' and close down the conversation.

She then has two options to gracefully accept the chocolates, and continue as she has done.
Or to take your concerns seriously and start buying for you.

Either way you will no longer feel sad about it. Carry on buying for them at your peril, because I believe that will cause deep rooted resentment and feelings potentially of self loathing.

Every year you spend the money on a wonderful gift for yourself, as a someone that deserves to be loved and respected.