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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Feeling left out at Christmas.

55 replies

christmastime4120 · 05/12/2020 07:45

Hi all, I’m nearing 30 and have 2 children.

I may be told I’m coming across spoilt or precious.

My mum always had the attitude that Christmas is all for the kids (which of course is right, I want my children to have an amazing Christmas).

My mum stopped buying me gifts (even for my birthday) when I turned about 18-19 maybe. I also had my first child pretty young so rather than buying for me she would spend maybe £40 on my
son. I don’t get anything - even on my birthday. I’d appreciate even something small like a box of chocolates.

My brothers and siblings are quite a bit younger than me (2 in teens and 1 early twenties) but they still have hundreds spent on them but I get bugger all and I mean nothing when they get about £500 each spent on them - even my brother in his twenties.

I understand I have children now. She buys them maybe a few gifts each maybe around £30 each and it’s usually tat.

Money is not the issue here. They aren’t short of money - my mum and my stepdad (who she’s been with since I was 10!) have a considerable amount of money coming in. Ive never had my bio dad around if that’s even relevant to this post.

Aibu to feel really pushed out? I know Christmas isn’t about receiving and I always thought it was the norm for adults not to receive presents from their parents once they got to a certain age. But my brother is in his twenties and gets loads. I know I have children she buys for but it’s not like she spends loads and loads on them.

I can’t imagine not ever wanting to buy my children gifts even when they are
Adults.

I even buy my mum and stepdad something buy don’t think I’ll bother this year. I know you shouldn’t buy to receive but seriously I get nothing back.

They are very money orientated and very selfish with it. Like once I borrowed £3 cash for my children - her grandchildren to get an ice cream as they wouldn’t take card and was immediately demanding it back via bank transfer 🤷‍♀️

My mother in law rang me yesterday to ask if I needed anything for Christmas and it makes me emotional that she bothers more than my own family - not just on Christmas.

Aibu to just feel a little jealous (I know, I know), pushed out, left out and just like I don’t matter?

I’d totally understand if money was an issue but it’s not in this case.

OP posts:
Mrsjayy · 05/12/2020 09:18

Your grandma sounds great. I think you are going to have to disengage from your mother and siblings let them get on with it.

twilightermummy · 05/12/2020 09:31

I think that you should call them out on it. I'd do it whilst they're all together so your mum can't make things up whilst relaying the story. Seriously, I don't think that you have much to lose by doing this. You should shame them and if they start making you out to be petty, then show them this thread.
I suspect your mum will deny it and give (bad) examples of money spent on you in the past. These type live in denial and outrage when confronted. Why should they get away with it?

Certainly buy them nothing this year. If in future years she responds by not buying for your children as well then great, no tat to fill the charity shops with.

This is all quite telling about your mum and I'd go low contact because I bet when she needs you, she will expect you to carry the load. In addition to this, I'd say that for some reason I've found that boys do get treated better within families. Or, perhaps you remind her of your father. Who knows. Whatever the reason, she shouldn't be treating you like it at all.

gottakeeponmovin · 05/12/2020 10:44

Tbh I think parents shouldn't buy for adults once they've moved out. I think the issue here is what she's spending on your siblings versus your kids. I think she should be spending 250 on each of them if she's spending 500 on each of your siblings

Original poster
christmastime4120 · 05/12/2020 10:55

@gottakeeponmovin I don’t disagree with that. But I do wonder if she’ll still be buying for siblings once they have kids. She over spoils them so I assume she’ll probably carry on! She buys for her own siblings that have children, friends, cousins, neighbours which makes it very bizarre. If she was just buying for her children and grandchildren that would be fine!

I wouldn’t expect her to spend so much on my children or anyone. But what she buys them is cheap tat too! I’d rather she saved some
Money for them or bought one nice gift rather than a few cheap things but that’s another story.

OP posts:
Winterwoollies · 05/12/2020 11:00

Your mum sounds like an absolute arsehole. How can she treat her children so disgustingly different? It’s so alien to my own mum and things like this make me feel so sad. I’m really sorry, OP.

PonderingPeggy · 05/12/2020 11:06

She buys for her own siblings that have children, friends, cousins, neighbours which makes it very bizarre.

It's all about the glory. If she buys for them then she will have lots of people thinking she's generous. A great result.

If she buys for your siblings, your step-dad will think she's lovely - especially if she's the one doing the actual choosing and ordering/buying.

If she buys for you, well who would know? Your children are probably too young to have any thoughts on the matter.

I also have one of those mums. The best thing you can do is to completely ignore it. The lack of reaction takes the wind right out of their sails.

GetOffYourHighHorse · 05/12/2020 11:07

This is awful op. She is maybe projecting negative thoughts about your bio df onto you. What happened to him, was it a bad relationship?

I would say to her the way she treats you all different is appalling. Spending hundreds on some and then your kids get a few quids worth of tat? That's not right. I'm usually the last to advocate confrontation on mn, but in this case I think you'd be right to address it. Just ask her clearly why does she treat you all so unfairly. Let her know it isnt right and even if nothing changes you at least know you've called her out on it.

Maybe focus on your ils and give your possibly selfish dm a wide berth.

Stonecrop · 05/12/2020 11:20

I really feel for you this is awful. Have you tried the stately homes thread as they have expertise in toxic parents. Sounds like your mum is jealous of you. She definitely appears to have divided her children into golden child and scapegoat categories. With these narcissistic traits there is often an addiction to drama and chaos and getting control through divide and rule tactics. Does she for example try to pit you against other people in the family in other ways? Agree don’t buy her a present and use the money to buy yourself a lovely big box of chocs 💐

Stonecrop · 05/12/2020 11:21

Ps no i wouldn’t Bother calling her out on it, waste of time

justanotherneighinparadise · 05/12/2020 11:25

Do you think she might be trying to punish you for your life choices? Like there might be some resentment for having a child young and she might have adopted the ‘ you made your bed, you lie in it’ kind of approach.

My other thought was is the money hers or your step-fathers? Could he be deciding who gets what and is prioritising his biological children.

It sounds like shitty behaviour regardless and I think you’re right to feel hurt.

WhoseThatGirl · 05/12/2020 11:25

Does she treat you differently in any other way?

Yeahnahmum · 05/12/2020 11:46

That makes me feel sad for you .. talk to her. Tell her how you feel

Grapewrath · 05/12/2020 11:51

Sorry for you OP
My family are the same. My dm gives my brother the same amount of money as me ( chucks me and my kids £30 in my bank account) but spends loads more on his children and showers db and Sil with lovely thoughtful gifts, cooks for them etc and goes on about their lovely ‘family day’
Me and my family never get invited. It’s not the money for me but the total lack of thought. It’s like she sends the money and that’s us ‘done’. I’ve even asked her to se d my kids gifts instead of money but she refuses.
It’s very hurtful. Take my advice yourself from them emotionally- it will serve you well in the long term

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 05/12/2020 11:58

Could you ask now “what are we doing about Christmas gifts this year? Only buying for the children? Secret Santa between the adults?” Ideally on a family WhatsApp group if you have one

LuaDipa · 05/12/2020 12:18

Your dm sounds awful, this must feel so unfair. I don’t think there is anything to be gained by confronting her as people like this often find ways to justify their unacceptable behaviour, but I do think you should be stepping back and disengaging from it all.

I have a couple of friends with relatives like this and what I do find odd is that the ‘mistreated’ relative, often a daughter, is the one expected to do all of the running around for the awful relative. In that situation I often wonder why they don’t tell them to shove it but I’m not sure if it’s all to do with a warped family dynamic.

Butterymuffin · 05/12/2020 12:27

Don't ask anything or 'call her out' - as you said yourself she'll just turn it round to be your fault. Back right away. This year you have the perfect excuse to not spend time with them anyway. Then keep that going and distance yourself - doesn't sound like your mum is much of a mum to you anyway, sorry to say Flowers Spend the time and effort on your in laws instead, they sound lovely.

Re presents, I would accept the ones for your kids and say thanks but don't gush about them. Don't get your mum anything, and if it's brought up just say as blandly as you can 'but we don't do presents between you and me, do we?'

ILikeStrongTea · 05/12/2020 12:31

She sounds awful. Don’t buy them anything, why bother?

thevassal · 05/12/2020 12:33

Her rationale about your children having presents from your in-laws is interesting because my grandparents did the same thing! Their other DC was a single parent so they spent loads of money and visited their GC on that side multiple times a week, whereas because my parents were together and our grandparents on that side were really involved they barely bothered with us (similar ages, lived the same distance away) and this was the exact reason they gave. As if kids only need a "set" amount of affection or treats (or even interaction)and if it is being fulfilled by one side of the family the other side don't need to make any effort....bizarre thinking imho!

Your mum just doesn't sound very nice tbh. Buying for neighbours and girlfriends but not her own daughter? And minimal crap for her only grandchildren? That's making a very obvious point.

I think you should definitely stop buying your mum and stepdad (and your siblings if they don't reciprocate). then at least you can spend that money on your children, or on a treat for yourself, instead.

Goldensnitchy · 05/12/2020 12:35

She’s nasty, no other excuse for it. Personally I wouldn’t bother raising it with her if she’s likely to try and turn it around on you. But I certainly wouldn’t be buying her anything. What a piece of work.

And @gottakeeponmovin why do you think parents actually shouldn’t buy for their children once they’ve moved out? If it’s an agreement and they aren’t bothered then fine, but it’s a bit joyless isn’t it? Why wouldn’t you want to treat the people you love?

FrankskinnerscRoc · 05/12/2020 12:40

Just walk away from her OP, there’s absolutely nothing left to say.

1FootInTheRave · 05/12/2020 12:41

Your mother is awful.

Spied · 05/12/2020 12:50

I'm guessing your 'pils' buy you a gift.
I'm thinking it all boils down to jealousy over your relationship with your partners family and their relationship with your dc which you encourage and which she resents you for.
Could this be something to do with it?

VestaTilley · 05/12/2020 12:52

YANBU- I think your Mum’s attitude (while usual custom and practice in some families) is quite mean. She could get you a card, a box of chocolates and a cheap jumper or magazine subscription or anything really- so many good presents for £30 and under available.

I’m sorry OP, you’re not being unreasonable- she does sound mean. Do you buy for her? If so I’d label presents for her as being from your DC only, and not spend too much.

I have relatives now who buy for my DS, not me, but DH and I still get something to unwrap from our parents, and I’ll always buy DS something I’m sure.

If you were asking for something pricey that’d be one thing, but if all you’d like is a little something to show you’re appreciated then that’s perfectly normal! So sorry OP, some parents are just a bit unthinking sometimes Sad

VestaTilley · 05/12/2020 12:56

I’ve just seen your updates OP- your DM sounds like a nasty, unkind piece of work. I wouldn’t bother raising it with her as I’m sure she’d just get a kick out of it- but I wouldn’t ever spend your own money on her!

I hope your DP takes good care of you Flowers

hitchhikingghost · 05/12/2020 13:04

She sounds very unkind and unfair. I wouldn’t bother with her anymore at all. Luckily you are nothing like her, and it sounds like your children have a lovely mum.