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AIBU?

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Original poster

Dates makes poor effort

79 replies

sharonJJ55 · 04/12/2020 23:22

So met this date today (in the park) we got on well & agreed to another date. We've been messaging tonight and he says he's got a nice bottle of wine to share with me...sounds good to me I say and then it comes....."cool let me know when you're free and I'll bring it over." Turns out he lives with flats mates. So once again I'm expected to provide the place to go. And what's with inviting himself over? Surely it's gentlemanly to invite me to his or out on a date? Is that too much to ask???

OP posts:
slashlover · 05/12/2020 13:55

Have to disagree with PPs enquiring if the OP has made any effort. It is indeed 2020 and maybe women have changed but men haven't - it still applies that if they are interested they want to take initiative and woo. If they are not- they will happily let the woman do the work because why the hell not.

So men doing all the work is fine but women doing all the work is wrong? Also, saying that women have changed but men haven't is sexist.

HotSince63 · 05/12/2020 13:57

You both sound lazy and cheap when it comes to dating.

You are in a Tier 2 area so there's all kinds you could do for a second date that doesn't involve going to each others house for a bottle of wine.

You were happy enough when you thought you were invited to his place for a bottle of cheap plonk and a shag, so you can't get too arsey that he was thinking along the same lines.

Burnthurst187 · 05/12/2020 13:57

One thing to consider with his living arrangement is that if he flat shares and you live alone, he'll want to be at your place all the time

billy1966 · 05/12/2020 14:01

You don't sound the least bit princessey to me OP.
👍

unmarkedbythat · 05/12/2020 14:04

You don't sound compatible. I don't think I understand what you're annoyed about, but that's fine, we are all different. Move on, find someone who does offer what you're after.

MichelleScarn · 05/12/2020 14:17

@MandalaYogaTapestry

Have to disagree with PPs enquiring if the OP has made any effort. It is indeed 2020 and maybe women have changed but men haven't - it still applies that if they are interested they want to take initiative and woo. If they are not- they will happily let the woman do the work because why the hell not.
Men haven't? What all men?! I don't think I could identify any couple that I know, that dated under the 'men solely pay for dates, makes all the moves'!
MandalaYogaTapestry · 05/12/2020 14:49

Michelle I didn't say that men pay for all dates. And they don't do all the planning. But yes, if they are into someone, they don't wait around and they pursue. I think it's pretty obvious.

shinynewapple2020 · 05/12/2020 15:00

I'm just wondering what kind of thing you would expect to do on a date in the current environment?

Even tier 2 you aren't supposed to meet up indoors with anyone you don't live with.

You've done the walk in the park, so what next?

Possibly a pub with outdoor heating ? Because without heating and/or some kind of awning it's a bit cold to sit outside.

I can see the logic in a plan to visit your home, and it doesn't necessarily mean he's expecting a shag, just , if you don't have a meal / drink within one of your homes what else are you expecting? (Yes I know you aren't meant to meet within a house but it saves the lie that you are of the same household you would need to give in a restaurant)

MushMonster · 05/12/2020 15:36

If he cannot try to woe you, then it is time for the next one!

MsVestibule · 05/12/2020 15:50

I'm a bit surprised by the lack of understanding about Tier 2 restrictions on here - as he's not part of her household/bubble, they can't meet up anywhere indoors. So restaurants/cafes/meeting up in their own houses isn't allowed.

OP, regardless of the above, I agree with you. What happened to a bit of courtship?!! I'm not talking about the man paying for everything, just both parties making a bit of effort rather than Date 2 = a drink at home with the hope of a shag.

Plastichearts · 05/12/2020 15:56

Yes the come round with a bottle of wine is all about a shag. I had someone put a lot of pressure on me to do the same and was hinting to stay over. When I said, what about my small children? he looked completely blank as if the thought never occurred to him.

Frenchblue · 05/12/2020 15:58

I’ve seen many posts re dating and new relationships recently, you’d never believe we were in lockdown or had rules

And I’ve seen so many posts like this, usually from people in secure, happy relationships. A bit of empathy for people who’ve done this year on their own wouldn’t go amiss, I don’t think anyone’s talking about massive cross tier orgies, just a bit of adult company.

DelphiniumBlue · 05/12/2020 16:09

@CatAndHisKit

for posters who defend him by saying he's got no privacy at his place - erm how about going out, you know, like a normal DATE? They are in tier two so can go to a restaurant or even a cafe! Very CF for him to decide tha yo uaer ready for a shag after just meeting, it's been one day!
You can't meet someone indoors if you are not in their household or bubble. So that rules out meeting him at yours or his, or any sort of a normal date, unless you want to sit outside.
Original poster
sharonJJ55 · 05/12/2020 16:10

@MichelleScarn @HotSince63 @Hopoindown31
For those who say why aren't I making the effort and I sound princessy....well I suggested the first date, picked the place, bought the coffees. I think it could have easily been either of us to make the effort on the second date, but was just saying that his first suggestion of coming to mine was a bit lazy of him, at the very least he could have politely invited me to his, since he doesnt even know whether I flat share or not (I don't fyi).

My whole gripe was that it seems guys these days (and I can only comment on the other sex) want to put in minimal effort and as little money as possible.

OP posts:
MrsBrunch · 05/12/2020 16:13

Are you sure he's single?

edwinbear · 05/12/2020 17:08

You can't go to a pub or restaurant in tier 2 with people who are not from your household.

flaviaritt · 05/12/2020 17:13

Obviously he wants to come round for sex. But the park and half a bottle of cheap plonk isn’t going to set the scene for that, is it?

Chailatte20 · 05/12/2020 17:21

Be insistent in meeting out or go round to his for wine. Figure out if you can have a decent conversation and tolerate his company before sleeping with him. I'd give it 6/8 dates before inviting him to spend the night & if he dumps you before then you won't have wasted any head space on him.

Thefirstnohell · 05/12/2020 17:24

Not princessy or old-fashioned at all in my view. People should wait to be invited to someone else's home. And it is definitely lazy of him if you did all the organising first time around. I wouldn't bother meeting with him again and I'd (politely but clearly) let him know why too! You deserve better op.

Redlocks28 · 05/12/2020 17:25

@CatAndHisKit

for posters who defend him by saying he's got no privacy at his place - erm how about going out, you know, like a normal DATE? They are in tier two so can go to a restaurant or even a cafe! Very CF for him to decide tha yo uaer ready for a shag after just meeting, it's been one day!
No, they can’t. Not in Tier 2.
GoldieHelen · 05/12/2020 18:38

Well they can outside

GettingUntrapped · 05/12/2020 18:53

OP, trust your instincts. Don't let a man-child entrap you. It's always a risk, as a woman, to be entrapped by a man, in so many different guises.
As long as you know that, and that YOU matter, and not the opinion of others, you can start to get your bearings. In other words, you can't give from an empty cup, so prioritise yourself as much as possible, without guilt.
Wishing you well.

Original poster
sharonJJ55 · 05/12/2020 18:55

@GettingUntrapped so true and very wise words. Thank you for this x

OP posts:
GettingUntrapped · 05/12/2020 19:05

@sharonJJ55 Thank you for replying. It's exceptionally hard being a mother to young children in these times. So much expected of us without emotional (or much practical) support. That is real (the lack of emotional and possibly practical support); it isn't you.
We need to get the strength. Sending you support.

slashlover · 05/12/2020 20:16

@GettingUntrapped

OP, trust your instincts. Don't let a man-child entrap you. It's always a risk, as a woman, to be entrapped by a man, in so many different guises. As long as you know that, and that YOU matter, and not the opinion of others, you can start to get your bearings. In other words, you can't give from an empty cup, so prioritise yourself as much as possible, without guilt. Wishing you well.
He's a man child because he offered to go to hers with a bottle of wine?
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