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AIBU?

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Original poster

Dates makes poor effort

79 replies

sharonJJ55 · 04/12/2020 23:22

So met this date today (in the park) we got on well & agreed to another date. We've been messaging tonight and he says he's got a nice bottle of wine to share with me...sounds good to me I say and then it comes....."cool let me know when you're free and I'll bring it over." Turns out he lives with flats mates. So once again I'm expected to provide the place to go. And what's with inviting himself over? Surely it's gentlemanly to invite me to his or out on a date? Is that too much to ask???

OP posts:
DeeCeeCherry · 05/12/2020 01:53

Yes I think so and where has the timeline in dating gone?! Men don't seem to want to "date" anymore, they just want to be lazy and come round to your home, not even inviting you to theirs!

Don't bother with men like that. Don't go to theirs either. Unless you want a 'from chair to bed' aka booty call fling. Doesn't sound as if you do. Reminds me of young days when a man would think he'd be in there by appearing on your doorstep with a bottle of Canei and a grin.

I wouldn't date a man who flatshared either because of the imbalance when we'd eventually have to spend time at home; not because I look down on a man for it, but because I want him to have his own place too that I can also visit - & that can't be in a room with his mates next door.

Nothing wrong with knowing your preference and sticking to it OP. We do not have to go along with what men want. As long as you don't go along with what you're not interested in. No point in that.

StillCoughingandLaughing · 05/12/2020 02:09

Yes I think so and where has the timeline in dating gone?! Men don't seem to want to "date" anymore, they just want to be lazy and come round to your home, not even inviting you to theirs! At the very least I don't think he's allowed to come into my home under tier 2 Covid rules

Why is inviting you to his somehow better than him coming to you? And if, as you say, he can’t come to you anyway at the moment, isn’t it all a moot point?

You sound a bit princessy.

Taikoo · 05/12/2020 02:49

Yes - that's absolutely a booty call.
He's thinking - "bring some wine over to hers and then a shag".

This is not a proper date and I'd ditch him for that alone.

Joeblack066 · 05/12/2020 03:26

@Lockheart

Lots of adults houseshare - it's not something to be looked down upon Hmm

It's also a bit hard to do proper dates at the moment what with covid.

Frankly you don't seem that into him so I'd politely decline and move on.

A voice of reason! There’s way to much snobbery on here re house sharing!
lovelemoncurd · 05/12/2020 03:46

How does anyone date at the moment? I'm in tier 3 and there literally is nowhere to go unless you hang out in a cold park. Perhaps it's best just to wait in terms of dating at the moment. People shouldn't be going to your house and the other options are limited. Or perhaps you live in Cornwall and so it's not as tricky.

TwoLeftSocksWithHoles · 05/12/2020 04:32

Tell him they don't allow alcohol at the shelter where you are staying, and you haven't got a corkscrew anyway because they took away all your sharp implements... after last time Shock

jelly79 · 05/12/2020 04:48

To be fair he is letting you know he wants to see you again. There are limited options and he has suggested something. If that doesn't work for you offer an alternative and take it from there.

If you like him seems a shame to write him off for this

UnhappyPlace · 05/12/2020 05:14

It’ll be cheap wine, a shag and then a big gap between texting only to say he’s not feeling the connection.

GoldieHelen · 05/12/2020 05:19

This is so interesting because I always prefer dates to come to mine rather than me to theirs.

Mummyoflittledragon · 05/12/2020 05:42

@jelly79

To be fair he is letting you know he wants to see you again. There are limited options and he has suggested something. If that doesn't work for you offer an alternative and take it from there.

If you like him seems a shame to write him off for this

This. Don’t bin him off immediately. Tell him you are not comfortable with him coming to yours and suggest a restaurant or whatever you’d rather.
Taikoo · 05/12/2020 07:16

@UnhappyPlace

It’ll be cheap wine, a shag and then a big gap between texting only to say he’s not feeling the connection.
Agreed.
Obbydoo · 05/12/2020 07:18

What effort are you making? How much 'wooing' have you done? This is 2020, not 1820.

Also, he clearly just wants a shag so there is no laziness, it's just how it is if you're into that kind of thing.

rawlikesushi · 05/12/2020 07:19

I agree it's rubbish, and I wouldn't be interested either.

But he did sound you out by saying he wanted to share a bottle of wine (code for a staying-at-home date surely) and you responded enthusiastically.

Surely that was your cue to say 'yeah maybe but I'd prefer a few more proper dates first.'

KatherineJaneway · 05/12/2020 07:21

@UnhappyPlace

It’ll be cheap wine, a shag and then a big gap between texting only to say he’s not feeling the connection.
This ^^
Original poster
sharonJJ55 · 05/12/2020 08:44

@StillCoughingandLaughing not princessy in the least. I wouldn't invite myself round someone's house on the second date. I've been brought up well to wait until invited. My point was that it seemed lazy of him, an easy cheap date. I think it's sad times if we can't have at least some expectations that our date makes a bit of an effort to impress.

@TwoLeftSocksWithHoles this is so funny and so tempting to say. I might add that he should come in daylight due to the number of recent muggings on my doorstep Grin

OP posts:
GettingUntrapped · 05/12/2020 10:21

He will only bring one bottle of wine! How cheap.

JillofTrades · 05/12/2020 10:55

Yanbu. If your standards are that you are a bit old fashioned then so be it. I would expect the same and wouldn't budge. So if he has flatmates then why can't he suggest you go somewhere to rather share the bottle, like a real date?

Mumisnotmyonlyname · 05/12/2020 11:33

Especially since that's not illegal.

Lockheart · 05/12/2020 11:35

Our of interest OP, what effort are you making to impress?

youvegottenminuteslynn · 05/12/2020 12:53

When he said he had a bottle of wine to share, you said sounds good so presumably thought he meant going to his. Which implies you would have been happy to do that if he lived alone. As you've already said, that's not allowed in tier 2 and more importantly it's not a safe thing to do - go alone to the home of a guy you've met once. I think you need to recheck your boundaries on this, it sounds like you'd have gone if he had a place of his own.

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 05/12/2020 12:56

Why does he have to make all the effort? Is it because he is male?

Lots of people flat share, either as it’s cheaper or they like the company.

I’ve seen many posts re dating and new relationships recently, you’d never believe we were in lockdown or had rules.

slashlover · 05/12/2020 13:30

@Amerimoon

I’d just laugh it off, along the lines of “Funny! Can’t wait to see what you have planned for our next date! Had fun today 😁” and see what he says.
Maybe she could say "Funny! Here's what I have planned for our next date! Had fun today" and see what he says.
MichelleScarn · 05/12/2020 13:39

Also interested like pp in what you planned/offered for the date?

Hopoindown31 · 05/12/2020 13:44

Sounds like you are on different wavelengths here so if that doesn't work for you just finish it.

However it is 2020 and I'm afraid that equality means that you don't just get to sit there and look cute anymore.

MandalaYogaTapestry · 05/12/2020 13:52

Have to disagree with PPs enquiring if the OP has made any effort. It is indeed 2020 and maybe women have changed but men haven't - it still applies that if they are interested they want to take initiative and woo. If they are not- they will happily let the woman do the work because why the hell not.

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