To ask for advice about my adult daughter

[WhataMissMap]

I have always enjoyed a good relationship with my adult daughter.
She is mid twenties and has always lived between the family home and student accommodation. We used to chat often she was open about her life and relationships. As she is our youngest child we have always been very liberal and laissez faire with her.
She did lots of socialising around our home with her friends and was always very comfortable with me. Occasionally her friends have asked me to give some professional help, which I have been happy to do.
About eighteen months ago she met a new man, a student like her. He seemed pleasant if very quiet. His politics were not the same as ours but that was no problem to us, although it may have been to him. We never discussed anything with him.
When the virus kicked off we had to socially isolate strictly, as we brought my elderly mother to live with us.
My daughter and her partner moved into my mothers house, rent free, at our suggestion.
Then my daughter seemed to change quite quickly. She became unwilling to chat on the phone as normal. She was suddenly very guarded what she had to say.
I respected her privacy and didn’t ask questions as this seemed to make her even more nervous and edgy. She occasionally came to sit in the garden with us over the summer but her boyfriend didn’t accompany her.
We had a family gathering for her birthday in July. She almost refused to attend as she had fallen out with one of her brothers this was out of character for her. The reason she gave was her brother was becoming a drama queen. Well in the family’s opinion he has always been a drama queen and thoroughly enjoys the role!
We got a feeling that maybe her boyfriend might be behind it all.
She didn’t stay long at her party and seemed fairly uncomfortable, although nothing was said to her to cause her to feel this way.
She kept her distance from us for the rest of the summer.
Then my mother’s neighbour told us the boyfriend hadn’t been seen for a couple of months, and my daughter was now living alone.
We were surprised as she hadn’t mentioned a break up. Normally she would have been wanting tea and sympathy.
Last week she bumped into her brother accidentally and he asked about her boyfriend and she said they were no longer together but that he was not to tell us!
Finally she called around to our house to pick up her winter jumpers. All the time she was distracted and constantly texting. I admit mischievously asked was her boyfriend being a bit needy and she should have brought him with her. She muttered you won’t be seeing him again. I asked aren’t you together? She immediately stormed off. Shouting don’t ask me questions!
It was one question after 6 months.
Her personality change is so great I just don’t understand.
My DH works in the same academic institution and he would hear if she wasn’t coping well there, we know she is doing well with her research.
We are experienced parents with four grown up children. We have normal relationships with the other three. We aren’t pushy parents. She isn’t a dizzy teen. What’s going on? I’m not allowed to ask her so I’m asking you all. I’m bemused and concerned in equal measure.

Could she have an eating disorder? Is she a very high achiever and competitive?
The comments about her being 'very bright' plus
"She is a keen runner and has always advocated healthy eating."
Was she over weight when she set out to lose weight?
Or why would she want to lose weight?
Is she a perfectionist and therefore ashamed the relationship didn't work out?

Approach it in terms of 'I noticed you are quite quiet lately and I wondered if there was anything up, or is everything quite all right with you'. And speak to her rather than texting.

I hope you don't mind me saying but you should not have suggested they move in together. That is, in my opinion, a strange thing for a parent to do, you must be very laid back. You also refer to him as her 'partner'. He was her boyfriend. She would have only been with him a short time when you suggested they live together. I feel you put alot of emphasis on his role in her life - and this is/was a mistake. A young girl being tols to leave her home and live with her new boyfriend, where the parents could have no contact. I feel this was a big mistake.

Yes , this is a good point.

A previous poster mentioned religion - could the boyfriend have been a jehovah witness? It can be very isolating.

Initially I thought perhaps he was controlling/ domestic abuse. Perhaps he has left her for someone else and she is devastated. I would ask her anything else. My daughter is also the youngest with three brothers and just slightly older than your daughter. She is mostly open but occasionally guarded as if it is none of my business. I was fairly independent at nineteen but I married young and lost that confidence of doing things my way when I had someone else to consider perhaps it was a difficult break up. I wouldn’t ask again keep to other subjects. She may confide in you when she has got over it. Maybe she thought he was the one and had hopes and dreams which have been dashed. Ask her over for Christmas and keep to other topics. Maybe she will talk to grandma if they are close.

Personally, I would act as soon as you have decided what to do. Hindsight is a great thing, but I wish we had stepped in much sooner with our daughter. The effect her long term boyfriend had on her still affects her to this day, years and years later. He destroyed her confidence, made her question her self-worth, isolated her from her friends and repeatedly told her she had ‘issues.’ He wasn’t actually physically abusive, but having had a very unsettled family life himself, I think he was very damaged. It took us both breaking down for her to realise how worried we were. Up until then we had always managed to keep our mouths shut and let her make her own decisions, respecting her choices. Thank goodness we did eventually tell her how we felt, but so much damage had already been done.

OP, I hope it all works out better for you and your daughter.

I don’t understand this. Have you not went and visited her? Basically just stayed away for months? Could that be it? She feels you all just turned your backs due to the virus?

Or maybe she doesn’t want to tell you because she thinks you will make her move back home and she wants to continue to habe the house to herself?

I’d be worried that she’s got sucked into a religious cult or similar. They always manage to isolate a person from their friends and family and make them distrust them in favour of the cult members. Maybe they think she owns the house and will give it over to the cult?

@WhataMissMap

Sorry should have made it clear . It wasn’t the drama loving brother that she told.

From personal experience, 1 thing you've said really hit me hard in a 'flashback' way. If he's estranged from many in his family, there is a reason. I would call that a huge red flag as maybe he doesn't have the knowledge of what a functional family is supposed to look like. Or he was super jealous that your daughter has such a close family.

You have to let her work things out herself. It is suspicious she is an adult for now I'd stay out of it and hopefully if she is in trouble she'll ask for help.

Hopefully you can get together as a normal family over Christmas and remind her how a ‘normal’ family interacts. Just behave as you normally do, no questions about her relationship unless she opens up to you. Lots of praise and encouragement and optimism. Family traditions and fun. Make her feel valued and loved and that whatever has happened, you are just the same loving and supportive family you have always been.

Does she know your Mum is moving home? does she have to move out ? it will soon become evident if BF is gone or not.
Was he in sect? radical religion?
Has she become anorexic?
self harming?
been abused?

My DH works in the same academic institution and he would hear if she wasn’t coping well there, we know she is doing well with her research.

This sounds like inappropriate knowledge.

"Very lean" ... like, how lean is she?

There does seem quite a bit to unpick here.
Is the brother who she asked not to divulge the break-up, the same one who is a drama queen? Are you aware of what the fall out between ‘drama queen’ brother and DD was about? It sounds serious if they were not speaking.
You mention a political difference with ex BF, was it just a simple Brexit yes/no or something more worrying and extreme?
Is your DD living at your DM’s house because there isn’t space at home or to reduce risk of infection to your DM. Did she feel pushed out, or pushed into living with (potentially abusive) BF?
My instinct is there is much much more you are not aware of, I suspect your DSs may know more. My guess is the BF was emotionally abusive/manipulative and has caused a fracture in your family dynamics. Although he is now gone your daughter may be finding it hard to express what happened and in particular what happened to damage your relationship too. She may be embarrassed, ashamed and uncomfortable.

Just demonstrate your unconditional love for her, don’t discuss her with the DBS, particularly the one she has fallen out with. Make it clear she doesn’t need to tell you what happened if she does not want to. My own DM had many flaws, but the one that caused most damage and made me secretive was discussing me and my siblings with the others. It was a breach of trust IMHO.

It's hard to know what could be behind all this changed personality and the split. You didn't like him from the beginning, did you? What was it about him that you had reservations about? Is it something you are not saying but that she would have been well aware of? So would she feel that his having left would prove you'd been right and she doesn't like being in that position, with the possible discomfort of facing an 'I told you so'?

You described her birthday party events but didn't mention him. Why? Was he with her? Depending on the answer, further questions arise.

She clearly wants to keep some distance from the family about something to do with the split but is it because she feels ashamed of the fact of the split and can't bear to talk about it, or even worse, be asked questions about it or is it because there is an actual secret that has to be kept hidden? Someone has mentioned about being in prison. You haven't said whether he's still a student. Suppose he'd been arrested for something and taken away but it can't be talked about? Or she got drawn into something or discovered something and is frightened of repercussions if she told anyone about it? I fervently hope that she hasn't been given drugs or suffered coercion of any sort.

It could just be an emotional state, though, the shock and upset of a relationship drama and split which is traumatising and destabilising the inner person and their trust in life but the person can't express it or tell anyone, yet may wonder why no one asked her if she's all right or if she is in trouble, of an emotional or mental or some other kind. Because maybe she needs someone to do that and to wrap their arms around her. At the very least, some of the family, individually probably - father, mother, sisters, brothers, should make a point of going to see her, if quarantine rules permit, and if not, at least phoning and talking and expressing warmth and connection, asking how she is and so on and whether she has everything she needs. Why didn't anyone know, is often asked, when a young person was going through a trauma about school or exams or a boyfriend or a job situation. It's important to know, though that's easy to say.