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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask for advice about my adult daughter

90 replies

WhataMissMap · 04/12/2020 14:29

I have always enjoyed a good relationship with my adult daughter.
She is mid twenties and has always lived between the family home and student accommodation. We used to chat often she was open about her life and relationships. As she is our youngest child we have always been very liberal and laissez faire with her.
She did lots of socialising around our home with her friends and was always very comfortable with me. Occasionally her friends have asked me to give some professional help, which I have been happy to do.
About eighteen months ago she met a new man, a student like her. He seemed pleasant if very quiet. His politics were not the same as ours but that was no problem to us, although it may have been to him. We never discussed anything with him.
When the virus kicked off we had to socially isolate strictly, as we brought my elderly mother to live with us.
My daughter and her partner moved into my mothers house, rent free, at our suggestion.
Then my daughter seemed to change quite quickly. She became unwilling to chat on the phone as normal. She was suddenly very guarded what she had to say.
I respected her privacy and didn’t ask questions as this seemed to make her even more nervous and edgy. She occasionally came to sit in the garden with us over the summer but her boyfriend didn’t accompany her.
We had a family gathering for her birthday in July. She almost refused to attend as she had fallen out with one of her brothers this was out of character for her. The reason she gave was her brother was becoming a drama queen. Well in the family’s opinion he has always been a drama queen and thoroughly enjoys the role!
We got a feeling that maybe her boyfriend might be behind it all.
She didn’t stay long at her party and seemed fairly uncomfortable, although nothing was said to her to cause her to feel this way.
She kept her distance from us for the rest of the summer.
Then my mother’s neighbour told us the boyfriend hadn’t been seen for a couple of months, and my daughter was now living alone.
We were surprised as she hadn’t mentioned a break up. Normally she would have been wanting tea and sympathy.
Last week she bumped into her brother accidentally and he asked about her boyfriend and she said they were no longer together but that he was not to tell us!
Finally she called around to our house to pick up her winter jumpers. All the time she was distracted and constantly texting. I admit mischievously asked was her boyfriend being a bit needy and she should have brought him with her. She muttered you won’t be seeing him again. I asked aren’t you together? She immediately stormed off. Shouting don’t ask me questions!
It was one question after 6 months.
Her personality change is so great I just don’t understand.
My DH works in the same academic institution and he would hear if she wasn’t coping well there, we know she is doing well with her research.
We are experienced parents with four grown up children. We have normal relationships with the other three. We aren’t pushy parents. She isn’t a dizzy teen. What’s going on? I’m not allowed to ask her so I’m asking you all. I’m bemused and concerned in equal measure.

OP posts:

Gottheteeshirtandlostit · 04/12/2020 16:05

The boyfriend wasn't religious was he? I'm thinking of something similar that happened to a friend years ago when she got involved with a Jehovah's Witness. She ended up being distanced from her family/friends and even when they split she stayed in the church, and remained estranged from family etc.

Original poster

WhataMissMap · 04/12/2020 16:05

Ps
But why the big secret about the split?
She’s had a couple of breakups over the years as have her siblings. I sympathise and that’s all.

OP posts:

ravenmum · 04/12/2020 16:08

Do you normally have a jokey relationship with your daughter, that makes it hard to discuss serious things? (This is something I am guilty of myself, so I might be projecting!)
Perhaps you could try apologising, saying "I'm sorry for teasing you; I shouldn't have, as I am actually quite worried about you. I do hope that you feel you can come to us if you have any problems, whatever they are."

Gottheteeshirtandlostit · 04/12/2020 16:08

Sorry - realised that I thought of Jehovah's because of the issue around her birthday as they don't celebrate birthdays.

TokyoSushi · 04/12/2020 16:09

Agree it's something like abuse, married man, eating disorder, debt, or similar.

I think all you can really do is continue to be kind so that she knows that you're there when it does eventually come out.

Zilla1 · 04/12/2020 16:09

If you or one of her siblings can manage it with craft (possibly more subtly than the question about her relationship), ask her for help with a problem of your own or with one of her siblings rather than putting her on the spot.

loobyloo1234 · 04/12/2020 16:09

This is really sad OP. I honestly can't see why - if they are not still together - why she is being so guarded. Your innocent question, whether she realised her DB had told you or not, is fairly throwaway so I dont see why she got so angry

Are you definitely sure she isn't taking drugs? It just sounds like she is being overly paranoid with what seems to be a close and loving family

Do you have any plans to pop to the house to see her? Warning her in advance you need to come and grab some of your DM's stuff maybe? (even if you dont actually need to get anything, think of something) She might open up if its just you and her?

titchy · 04/12/2020 16:10

Please don't tell me your dh has been checking her progress with her supervisor - that's outrageous. Not to mention totally unethical. Both he and supervisor should be formally warned about that.

ravenmum · 04/12/2020 16:10

Maybe she didn't want to talk to anyone about the split. Maybe she feels like her drama-queen brother always takes centre stage and no-one is that interested in her, so it's not worth bringing up her issues? Maybe something else entirely different.

Original poster

WhataMissMap · 04/12/2020 16:11

The boyfriend’s dad, whom he is estranged from is a member of a religious group.
His poor mother had a terrible time with him and suffers severe MH issues as a result. She has a new partner now I believe and is more settled. I have never met them and learned this early on in my daughter’s relationship. The boyfriend also has a brother he is estranged from.
I don’t know if any of that is relevant.

OP posts:

MissTemple · 04/12/2020 16:12

I know you’re asking about your daughter but can I confirm you said your mother has been given a date for the Covid vaccine?

ravenmum · 04/12/2020 16:15

If the bf is estranged from multiple family members, I'd wonder if he encouraged your dd to do the same, and go low-contact with you. Maybe she brought up some issue she had with you (e.g. her dad monitoring her progress at uni) and the bf blew it up further and suggested that you were being controlling, for instance.

Cottagepieandpeas · 04/12/2020 16:15

I agree @titchy
Perhaps DD is hoping for a bit more privacy or independence.
She sounds like a lovely young woman but she will have faults / troubles like we all do.

TableFlowerss · 04/12/2020 16:16

This is just an alternative opinion OP, but.... maybe she feels me everyone’s always a bit over involved in her life and abut smothered by it all.

As a pp pointed out, neighbours giving you info about her, dad keeping tabs at uni, etc... she maybe wants independence and feels like you view her as a child.

Maybe she’s struggling at uni and doesn’t want to let you down...

It could be nothing of the sort, it could be covid related. Many people have been suffering MH problems.

PicaK · 04/12/2020 16:16

I just think your "couldn't resist asking/mischievous of me" comment is really telling. Why would you even think that was a good way to tackle it? It comes across more that you wanted to get back at her for not telling you things. No wonder she told her brother to keep quiet - if that's the level of sensitivity and thoughtfulness you usually show. She came to family events but didn't stay the amount of time you demanded so it's not good enough. And where do his politics come into it? How much of a non issue did you really make of it.
Perhaps your daughter is naturally quiet and private and doesn't enjoy big gatherings.
I can't see anything she's doing wrong.
Ask if she's happy, ask if she's fulfilled, tell her you're there for her in whatever way she wants. No more treating her with disrespect

Original poster

WhataMissMap · 04/12/2020 16:21

No my DH doesn’t check up on her. He just has a feeling that all is ok.
His colleagues pull his leg occasionally and wonder how such a dry old stick has such a bright daughter, that sort of thing.

Nothing official.

OP posts:

ravenmum · 04/12/2020 16:21

The reason she gave was her brother was becoming a drama queen. Well in the family’s opinion he has always been a drama queen and thoroughly enjoys the role!
This is also quite dismissive of your dd's complaint - she might be wrong in your opinion, but you could still discuss it as equals rather than as if "the family's opinion" is simply correct.

stovetopespresso · 04/12/2020 16:22

I think she has been heavily influenced by her bf and this has unfortunately influenced her opinion of you negatively. as he is nc with his family, her has form in being hard to get along with. its possible she is depressed too after this difficult relationship, and even though he's gone she's still stuck emotionally in that zone. as others have said, be there for her, just not too much too soon.

Sundaypolodog · 04/12/2020 16:23

Very sorry you're going through this. He's sounds very controlling and intolerant. Could he have been controlling your daughter and using emotional blackmail to work away at her confidence and now he's broken up with her she blames herself because he's worked on her self esteem and made her feel that she's at fault or not worthy of of him because he's made her need him like a drug.

Maybe she can't yet talk about it to family because she's still trying to process it all. All you do is wait it out and be there when she wants to come to you

Sundaypolodog · 04/12/2020 16:25

Missed a bit - All you can do ....

Original poster

WhataMissMap · 04/12/2020 16:33

Thank you all!
You have given me lots of interesting perspectives. I am grateful.

OP posts:

Original poster

WhataMissMap · 04/12/2020 16:43

Ps
Miss Temple
My mother tells me she had a phone call this morning to say she has an appointment for the jab. I was surprised- do you suspect she has got it wrong? That was my first thought. She is very elderly but “all there”.
I’ll ring the surgery myself- I hope they are not giving her the flu jab again!

OP posts:

howard97A · 04/12/2020 16:43

Is it consistent with your daughter having dumped her bf, and him harassing her and refusing to accept that the realtionship has ended?

sadeyedladyofthelowlandsea · 04/12/2020 16:44

I've got to agree with ravenmum here. Your DD had a falling out with her brother and you arranged a situation where she had to see him. You kind of seem to think it's funny that he's a drama queen, when clearly that is something your DD doesn't think is amusing. She asks for her brother not to tell you something personal - he does. You decide to be 'mischievious' in how you mention it to her.

I think her ex is a bit of a misdirection here. It reads more to me that she's realised she doesn't carry the same weight of importance in the family as others do, and decided she can't be bothered to be the peacemaker any longer. Which is not necessarily true, but that is how it reads to me, anyway. It's not hard to understand why she wouldn't want to attend a family gathering, supposedly held for her, where she would be uncomfortable in the company of her brother.

Original poster

WhataMissMap · 04/12/2020 16:55

Sorry should have made it clear . It wasn’t the drama loving brother that she told.

OP posts:

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