To ask for advice about my adult daughter

[WhataMissMap]

I have always enjoyed a good relationship with my adult daughter.
She is mid twenties and has always lived between the family home and student accommodation. We used to chat often she was open about her life and relationships. As she is our youngest child we have always been very liberal and laissez faire with her.
She did lots of socialising around our home with her friends and was always very comfortable with me. Occasionally her friends have asked me to give some professional help, which I have been happy to do.
About eighteen months ago she met a new man, a student like her. He seemed pleasant if very quiet. His politics were not the same as ours but that was no problem to us, although it may have been to him. We never discussed anything with him.
When the virus kicked off we had to socially isolate strictly, as we brought my elderly mother to live with us.
My daughter and her partner moved into my mothers house, rent free, at our suggestion.
Then my daughter seemed to change quite quickly. She became unwilling to chat on the phone as normal. She was suddenly very guarded what she had to say.
I respected her privacy and didn’t ask questions as this seemed to make her even more nervous and edgy. She occasionally came to sit in the garden with us over the summer but her boyfriend didn’t accompany her.
We had a family gathering for her birthday in July. She almost refused to attend as she had fallen out with one of her brothers this was out of character for her. The reason she gave was her brother was becoming a drama queen. Well in the family’s opinion he has always been a drama queen and thoroughly enjoys the role!
We got a feeling that maybe her boyfriend might be behind it all.
She didn’t stay long at her party and seemed fairly uncomfortable, although nothing was said to her to cause her to feel this way.
She kept her distance from us for the rest of the summer.
Then my mother’s neighbour told us the boyfriend hadn’t been seen for a couple of months, and my daughter was now living alone.
We were surprised as she hadn’t mentioned a break up. Normally she would have been wanting tea and sympathy.
Last week she bumped into her brother accidentally and he asked about her boyfriend and she said they were no longer together but that he was not to tell us!
Finally she called around to our house to pick up her winter jumpers. All the time she was distracted and constantly texting. I admit mischievously asked was her boyfriend being a bit needy and she should have brought him with her. She muttered you won’t be seeing him again. I asked aren’t you together? She immediately stormed off. Shouting don’t ask me questions!
It was one question after 6 months.
Her personality change is so great I just don’t understand.
My DH works in the same academic institution and he would hear if she wasn’t coping well there, we know she is doing well with her research.
We are experienced parents with four grown up children. We have normal relationships with the other three. We aren’t pushy parents. She isn’t a dizzy teen. What’s going on? I’m not allowed to ask her so I’m asking you all. I’m bemused and concerned in equal measure.

Are you sure the boyfriend has moved out?

Won't she talk to one of her sisters?

Or send her a text, saying, "I'm really worried about you. I've noticed a change in you over the last few months and I'm worried that you're upset about something. Are you okay? Can we meet up to chat? I miss you."

Your mother might be having the pneumonia jab?

The drama queen brother sounds irritating and it’s not good you all expect that behaviour and maybe even encourage it.

If she has been in an abusive relationship with guy - and he still might actually be tormenting her - the drama queen brother might just have bed too much for her that day.

You knew he had left yet you still tongue in cheek questioned her. That’s not an educated experienced mother like your trying to come across as - that’s just winding her up. No wonder she is finding it hard to talk to you if this is how your family behaviour.

If I was you I’d sensitivity and gently reach out and let her know you feel concern for her and that she can come to you in private.

Oh dear, I can see how this would be worrying and I’m much nearer your daughter’s age. The only thing I can suggest is that as long as you aren’t worried about her health or wellbeing is to keep the channels of communication open and hope she opens up. I’d also be tempted to see if the sibling she told about the break up could get her to share more about what’s going on, but that of course depends on their relationship and if they are comfortable doing that. We have a very close family so I’d probably expect my own mother to openly tell me she was worried about me, what has changed, why didn’t I tell her about the break up, do I have anxiety/depression I need support for etc? She may blow up and storm off but then at least it’s out in the open and she may well come back a few hours or days later and open up to you. To be honest if my parents didn’t ask me what was up I’d be upset that they hadn’t noticed anything was wrong ...

Text her and say how sorry you were to upset her, that you love her very much, and you are there for her whenever she wants. Then back off for a while.

OP if it was my daughter I would be round there whether she wanted me or not and we would be talking. My son is 30 and I know always when something is wrong.Sometimes its embarrassment over doing something daft but either way if she is struggling a problem shared and all that. ....maybe what ever is eating her is trivial to us but major to them...go offer your support and go there with a bottle of wine and maybe tissues. Its not healthy how she is trying to deal with whatever ..there has to be a better way....

Maybe she feels a bit silly that the relationship has ended and she is at her grandma's house on her own. Or maybe if she is mid 20s she was hoping that he was the one and is feeling very down, especially if her siblings are all settled? Hard to know.

What will happen at Christmas? Will she be coming home to spend time with you? Maybe with siblings around and a festive atmosphere she may relax or if not it would seem to be more of an indication that something is really amiss.

I’m wondering if he had gone to prison for something, hence she is being secretive,

If it was my daughter I'd go round, or find a way of having a look inside the house without giving her notice, because I'd be worried about her MH, because it sounds like DV, because it sounds as though she is scared and being controlled, or that she has a huge burden which she cannot share. And if any of those things are true she needs careful thoughtful help. I would do the same for a good friend who had changed so dramatically too. If it turned out that none of these things were true then I'd back off, but I wouldn't be able to live with myself thinking that I could have at least found out and didn't.

It is possible the boyfriend is still there.

It is possible that something awful has happened and she feels responsible.

Is there any chance she's pregnant? I'm not far off her age and I think I'd panic and not want to talk to people about him/the pregnancy/anything related, until I had decided what to do and was confident in my decision. Particularly as the youngest.

She sounds a smart young woman, so don't play tricks with her by going about things in a round about fashion, she will see through that and it may distance her further.

I would try to approach her directly in conversation - just say that you''re a bit concerned about her at the moment and if there's anything she wants to talk to you about you'd be very happy to hear it and give support where you can.

Then it's up to her, she may well back away again, in which case I think you have to let her, you can't force anyone to open up to you. So I wouldn't harangue her, but at least you've expressed what you need to and offered what you can.

Gosh, I'm sorry, OP, that sounds worrying. I agree with the PP who said to write a note along the lines of you don't seem to be yourself, we love you, we'll give you space if you need, we all love you (again). The PP said it better.

maybe she feels me everyone’s always a bit over involved in her life and abut smothered by it all.

As a pp pointed out, neighbours giving you info about her, dad keeping tabs at uni, etc... she maybe wants independence and feels like you view her as a child

This. Your family sounds quite emeshed, maybe she is trying to assert her independence and is tired of you not taking her seriously

It was quite mean of you to tease her about such a sensitive subject if you knew they had broken up. There does seem to be a problem but you need to take a softly softly approach and hope she confides in one of the family. And stop discussing her with all and sundry.

There are several aspects about your posts which raise a few alarm bells the distancing, the change in behaviour, weight loss, sharp responses, the BF or ex being estranged from multiple family members.

It sounds like several things are a play and I would be very open and honest with her over a cup of tea. That you are extremely worried. Either her ex was abusive (several aspects could point to this such as distancing herself, change in interaction with family etc emotional abuse is still abuse) or she has potentially developed a mental health condition with potential for it to also be eating disorder associated.

This is obviously massive statements to make without knowing your daughter or her situation. But I would make it clear to her that you will always love and support her no matter what and that you are there for her.

I have adult kids and would have to try to get to the bottom of this because she’s clearly very unhappy.

Maybe pop over this weekend to discuss the plans for moving and then make a cup of tea and just say outright that you are really worried about her and please talk to you? Getting started can be so hard. I suspect there are a few of the issues mentioned on here, in particular the poster who said that her ex has convinced her that you are the enemy in some way.

Even if she won’t talk initially she might just begin to thaw.

Honestly you can only ever be as happy as your least happy child. ☹️

Maybe your dd didn't want you to know that her b/f had moved out as then she thought you'd interfere and get her to move out of grandmas house - where she may be likes living solo?

You interfere with your mothers life as well, or do you have POA?

You have the perfect excuse to talk to her as your Mother will be moving back soon.

Start with those practical arrangments and see how it goes.

There must be something wrong.

Given she’s broken up with the boyfriend, it doesn’t seem likely it’s because he’s still got a hold on her, at least, it doesn’t seem likely that would be the only reason. Since she used to have a good relationship with you any release from an abusive boyfriend’s grip should have lead to a better dialogue with you unless her trust in you was also damaged.

A break in trust could have been caused by the boyfriend - lying to her, gaslighting, etc. - or by something you did. Was your lack of comfort with the boyfriend at all obvious to her (it’s pretty clear here)? You proposed she moved in with him, could she have felt that was pushy of you or a rejection (you wanting her out of your house) or that you should have known he was bad news by that point and yet you didn’t protect her or something? There’s also a possibility that this is just a rather abrupt bit of growing up and natural distancing that was somewhat delayed because she hadn’t “left home” before now and she’s sort of finding her feet a bit and resenting how close you were to her, feeling like you held her back for a bit. I’m not suggesting she would be right to think any of this, just is it possible she’s interpreted things in one of these ways?

I would probably stop trying to find out what’s happened or what the issue is directly and just concentrate on trying to rebuild a good relationship with her. Questions about this period can come when trust is reestablished.

I would think that the bf crossed a line in some way, and she is struggling to come to terms with it.
If she has always been strong, independent and switched on,she may feel ( unneccesarily) humiliated or embarassed.

I would step up the support, love her up,but don't ask questions.

Learning curves are sometimes hard to navigate- poor girl. We've all been there

Your post has given me an uneasy feeling op. You have an opening to visit sooner rather than later if your dm requires her house back. Please do try to talk to her. At first I thought she was being abused by her bf, as her behaviour is indicative of such treatment - cutting off from family, being distant, always on phone etc.

My own dd was abused terribly in a relationship. She lost huge amounts of weight, became argumentative and told us numerous times she had broken things off when she had not. The Police told her to get out or he would kill her as they (unknown to us) had already arrested him for destroying her property and trying to strangle her. I was giving her space, but wish I had gone round, collected her and her things and got her away.

I really don't want to worry you op, but your instinct is warning you something is amiss so please act onit.

Everything you've said smacked to me of the boyfriend being controlling and/or abusive. That he appears to be out of the picture now is good but without knowing the full story you don't know why she is behaving the way she is. She could feel embarrassed and be blaming herself as many victims do. She may not have instigated the split and may be suffering emotionally over him leaving.

Really though, I and everyone else can only speculate. You need to find a way to get her to open back up to you. Letting her know that you are there and available to support her in whatever way she needs is far more important than you knowing what's happened. Focus on rebuilding your relationship over finding out what's happened. She will tell you what she wants to when she is ready, or she may never tell you but that is her choice.

Totally as an aside but I believe the first vaccines are due to be given next week? Pp asked.. so your mother’s jab could well be this