What constitutes a step mother?

[JustSnowNoSlush]

If a couple aren't married but are in a long term relationship, live together and have children together..

Does that make the woman a step mother to her partners first children from a previous relationship, or is that title only reserved for those who are married?

I don’t know but my kids have come back calling their dad’s fiancée, who does not live with him, their step mother. Wasn’t mad keen, but didn’t say anything.

If the couple live together and have children, then I think the female partner is step mother to the man’s children.

I would say yes, me and DP have been together 8 years and i consider myself "step mum" to his son. We also have a son together. We aren't married yet (should have been this year!)

Why do you even ask? What’s happening to make you wonder?

My XH has a live in girlfriend who lives in the same house as my daughters. She plays with them, feeds them, listens to their news...

My second husband has two grown up children. I’ve never lived with them. One is in Australia so I’ve met him once.

I am a stepmother, legally. My XH’s girlfriend is not 🤷🏻‍♀️

Stepmother: NOUN: a woman who is the wife or partner of one's father after the divorce or separation of one's parents or the death of one's mother.

Technically I'd say they have be married but many unmarried stepmothers do a lot of mothering so I'd say that they were stepmothers. By mothering I mean doing jobs that come under parenting but unlike childminders being unpaid. More so if they regularly have the kids alone on behalf of the parents

Legally or what though?

It used to be "an upon marriage thing" , but I think as time has gone on its opened up to mean any woman who is a long term partner, and involved in the child's life. But as the title doesn't confer any legal rights on anyone, or take away from a good relationship with your partners children, it wouldn't be the hill I would die on..

Technically, legally, you need to be married, but since stepparents married or otherwise have no legal rights or obligations it makes no difference at all.

Technically you have to be married. I think it's a bit weird for a new partner to call themselves step early on in the new relationship. By that I mean in the first couple of years.

My question came about after I referred to my partners eldest DC as my step when talking with my aunt about what Christmas gifts I've bought.

I was politely reminded that I'm not step mother as we're not married.

I do alot of motherly things for them such as buying gifts, cooking for them, teaching them things (all whilst being careful not to tread on their mothers toes, and I've never expected them to call me mum!)

I don’t feel like a stepmother to my (legal) stepchildren for the reasons I stated. However, I use step when referring to them quite often, as it’s useful shorthand for, “my husband’s grown up son who I don’t expect you to remember the name of, so there’s not point in me saying James, and it’s a bit wordy to say John’s son James.”

I see why you use it. Perhaps your aunt is a pedantic twat, or someone who is quite literal or “needs” to be right. My sister is the latter... she would correct you, as she loves being right. It wouldn’t be a comment on the actual relationship at all. In fact she’s been a “ not married to the mum” SM herself, and absolutely would agree that it was an important relationship. She’d just be compelled to correct you!

Why does your aunt’s comment bother you?

I'm not too bothered by her comment but it did make me wonder whether i was BU in referring to them as my step DC and whether other mothers would be offended.

OK, well that’s not the question you asked.
As that’s your real question... I’d recommend you to stop caring what other people think!

Yes, it brings up the hoary chestnut "you are not my real father my real mother, " in other words you are not the sperm donor, egg donor.

Imho the real father the real mother is the one who listens to, changes nappies for, bathes the cuts, helps with homework, advised, counsels, reassures, leads and helps.

It's just semantics. I'm in a long term relationship and have stepkids. We aren't married yet (engaged) but they live with us a certain percentage of time, I cook for them, help with your homework and all the usual ( as I do for my own kids) so I'm their stepmum.

I think its relevant what the children think. I remember my father going on and on about his new wife being my stepmother, but she wasn't as far as I was concerned, she was just his wife.

I wonder if there is common law step mother.

If you’re in a long term, committed cohabiting relationship with a parent, whether or not you share children together, you’re a step parent.

I get the eye rolling at someone in a very new relationship and not living together referring to their step children when they’re just your boyfriend or girlfriend’s kids. But after years and as parents of a shared child then of course that’s right.

@OneRingToRuleThemAll

I wonder if there is common law step mother.

Like people insist on a common law wife being a real thing rather than a total fiction?

When I was a child the only stepmother I know was the one in Snow White.
I always thought the mother had to be dead anyway? If your mother is still living, alive even.. and your dad remarries - she's his wife and nowt to do with you.

What a load of old rhubarb

To be a step mother, you have to be married to the children’s father, but not their biological mother.

Prior to this, you are just daddy’s girlfriend/partner/fiancée wether you live together or not. The legal relationship is conferred upon marriage.

Technically speaking I guess it's 'on marriage' but I'd consider a long term live in partner as a step mother personally.

Whatever the kids feel. My stepmum divorced my dad when I was 12, she's still my stepmum. My dad has been with his current girlfriend 10 years at least. Not my step mum, even if they got married she wouldn't be.

What legal relationship? I’m married, an official step mum. What legal ties does that give me to my step children?