What constitutes a step mother?

[JustSnowNoSlush]

If a couple aren't married but are in a long term relationship, live together and have children together..

Does that make the woman a step mother to her partners first children from a previous relationship, or is that title only reserved for those who are married?

I'm not married to DP but we consider ourselves 'married' in terms of any naming convention, so I quite often call him my husband etc. So yes I'd consider any of his children (we only have joint, if you see what I mean) my step children: why not.

My husband's dad died when he was little. He is now in his 50s and his mum's been with partner since before my husband was a teen. Partner is most definitely stepdad

@Jolonglegs

I'm not married to DP but we consider ourselves 'married' in terms of any naming convention, so I quite often call him my husband etc. So yes I'd consider any of his children (we only have joint, if you see what I mean) my step children: why not.

That’s a completely different thing. You can be considered a step mum if you’re in a serious relationship with a man who has kids.

Your partner isn’t your husband which is a meaningful legal term and status. You can consider yourself the queen of Great Britain but it doesn’t make it so.

I'm not married to my DP, but we've been together 2.5 years and loving together for more than half that. My kids are here full time except one weekend a month, his are here 50%.

My kids definitely see him as a father figure and would love him to be stepdad officially- while it has no real legal standing it would be meaningful to them.

It's more complex with his kids though. We parent very equally to all of our kids, but his DC's have a twisted view of what a mother is. Their DM doesn't parent them at all, she babies them and uses them as a comfort blanket. Most of the physical care at mums is done by their DGM not DM, and she's very detached emotionally. So they get physical care from her and treated like babies or pets by DM.

They certainly don't see me as motherly, but their understanding of that is twisted.

We just do the best we can and hope that they'll understand the difference in care they receive as they get older.

We parent them here as best we can, try to develop self care in a physical sense and emotional strength as well, which sadly doesn't happen the other 50% of the time.

I think it can also depend on the relationship.

Someone I know insists they are not a stepmom even though they've been with DP for over 5 years. As far as she is concerned they are DP's children and she likes them and is welcoming but she doesn't do motherly things with them and doesn't get involved in big decisions.

Whereas someone else I know considers herself a stepmom after a couple of years because there's a great coparenting relationship between her DP and his ex, she does motherly things with the children and is involved in some big discussions with DP and his ex.

My dad's been with his partner (fiancée but they're unlikely to ever get actually married) for 12 years, since my late teens. She's very nice but she's Hannah, not my step mum. Maybe it makes a difference how old the children are, too? If she'd been around at an age where we needed an element of care or parenting from adults in the household, maybe. But stepmum to be denotes a parent role and she isn't in any way a parent to me, just the woman my dad happens to share his life with.

I'd say only if you're married. It's a horrible expression anyway IMHO. Too much negativity

Partner and I live together and have 2 more dc. Not married, he is considered dd step father due to the role he plays in her life above a marriage certificate so I would expect same for step mums.

Been with my partner 17 years, lived together for 14 years. I certainly consider his son, who I met when he was 4, to be my stepson and he refers to me as his stepmum. He can barely remember a time before I was around. I don't remember at what point we started using the term. Definitely not before we lived together and were together for a few years before we lived together.