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Original poster

What constitutes a step mother?

59 replies

JustSnowNoSlush · 04/12/2020 12:20

If a couple aren't married but are in a long term relationship, live together and have children together..

Does that make the woman a step mother to her partners first children from a previous relationship, or is that title only reserved for those who are married?

OP posts:
elp30 · 04/12/2020 14:40

After my mother died, my father started a new relationship.
They never married and they never lived together.
It lasted until his death, 28 years later.
I've never called his "partner" anything but that. She was not his wife so she was not his widow nor my stepmother.

LaceyBetty · 04/12/2020 14:40

The Oxford Dictionary states a stepmother is: "a woman who is married to one's father after the divorces of one's parents or the death of one's mother."

But, if the children are fine with the title, it really doesn't matter what your aunt thinks.

Anordinarymum · 04/12/2020 14:41

@Nottherealslimshady

Whatever the kids feel. My stepmum divorced my dad when I was 12, she's still my stepmum. My dad has been with his current girlfriend 10 years at least. Not my step mum, even if they got married she wouldn't be.
So there you have it. Its selective. It's also dependent upon how wicked she is evil larf...
TestingTestingWonTooFree · 04/12/2020 14:41

How long have you lived with them? I think using it informally for father’s live in partner who cares for children is fine.

3timeslucky · 04/12/2020 14:41

Not necessarily. It depends on the people involved. My son's father is in a long-term relationship (his second since we split up when child was a baby). Neither woman was ever described as step-mother as neither took on any aspect of "mothering" or parenting the child. My husband is step-father to the child in the opinion of both the child and my husband as he has been the day to day father figure for the child since he was 2 playing an active role in the parenting/raising of the child. It may be relevant also that the child lives with me and my husband and spent every second weekend and some holiday time with his biological father.

teateateateateamoretea · 04/12/2020 14:44

I wonder if there is common law step mother

There's no such thing as a common law wife, so no.

always thought the mother had to be dead anyway? If your mother is still living, alive even.. and your dad remarries - she's his wife and nowt to do with you
Not at all. Most people with stepmothers also have mothers. If your mother is alive, but you live with your dad and his wife, is she "nowt to do wih you"?

Cocomarine · 04/12/2020 14:47

@AnneLovesGilbert

What legal relationship? I’m married, an official step mum. What legal ties does that give me to my step children?
It doesn’t (AFAIK!) give you an automatic tie. However, it opens up the possibility for maintenance to be required of you if they have been treated as “a child of the family”. That isn’t automatic - it’s related to their financial dependence on you - but IIRC “child of the family” can only be created within a marriage / CP. So being a stepmother not dad’s girlfriend would matter there. Similarly, stepchildren can make a claim on your estate if you die - again, it’s not automatic and very much tied to your previous financial relationship, but it isn’t opened up by the legal status of step-parent.
Chasingsquirrels · 04/12/2020 14:48

Technically it needs marriage, but in reality.....

My kids, and everyone in their family (including me) views their dad's "long term living together partner" as their step-mum.

OTOH I didn't view my late-DH's children (teens/early 20's) as my step-children as they chose to have no relationship with me. They were DH's son/daughter. I don't imagine any family (mine, DH's or their mum's) thought of me as their step-mum.

AnneLovesGilbert · 04/12/2020 14:51

That’s interesting Coco. I thought you could have a child of the family without marriage but may have misunderstood.

From what you describe, me being married to their dad gives my step children potential rights and me none. Typical Grin

BlueCheckedTeatowel · 04/12/2020 14:52

i would say either married to their dad or lives with him and has children with him. or even if she takes on a motherly role when the DC are with dad.

i had 2 stepmothers growing up, both married to my DF (at different times). One im not sure knew my name and never looked at me or spoke to me. she wouldnt even offer me a cup of tea if she was making one when i stayed with them as a child. she took the "theyre your kids" to the extreme. i would sit and wait for my DF to make me cereal while she made her own and he was busy. refused to mind us, even for 10 minutes. if we asked for money for the ice cream man (usually in a hurry so we didnt miss him) she would tell us to ask our dad. she would tell people "thats Xs daughter from his first marriage" if anyone asked who i was. wouldnt come on days out and spent all holidays with her mother if we were at my dads. the second was lovely and had DC with my DF and treated us the same. lovely woman. even though i was 12 when we met she would lump me in and refer to me as "oh, these are my kids" when we were out and met anyone. never overstepped though and always asked how my mum and everyone at home was when i went to my dads.

DF is now onto wife number 4. i met her when i was 30 so dont have much of a relationship with her. but shes a nice enough woman. offers me a drink and a biscuit when i go round. bit like an aunt would. i dont think of myself as her step daughter though as im a bit old. and i heard her refer to me, kindly, as "Xs daughter, Blue" when her mother asked on the phone who was there. So clearly her mum doesnt know me by name and needed my title.

Cocomarine · 04/12/2020 14:56

@AnneLovesGilbert

That’s interesting Coco. I thought you could have a child of the family without marriage but may have misunderstood.

From what you describe, me being married to their dad gives my step children potential rights and me none. Typical Grin

I could well be wrong - I thought “child of the family” could be from a cohabitation, but a very quick google says otherwise!

Another legal ramification, should it ever be relevant to you 🤣 ... if you divorce and wish to marry your stepchild, you both need to be over 21. So definitely a legal status around step parenting. I think you also must have never lived with them whilst they were under 18, too, even if you are now divorced from their father.

It’s all looking a bit Jeremy Kyle 🤣

TableFlowerss · 04/12/2020 14:59

Isn’t the term more a concept and social construct as oppose to anything legal?

My DH is just that, my DH. My kids have their own dad and he’s brilliant so we never refer to my DH as step dad - never. He’s just ‘Chris’, mams husband.

I could understand if their dad wasn’t around, then perhaps I’d be happy to refer to him as their step dad, but the way our set up is, he’s ‘Chris’ who is my husband.

I think my older DC would have been a bit concerned that he was going to take the place of their dad, has I used that term ‘step dad’. I was always conscious of that and never wanted them to think that would be the case. Thankfully we all get on like a house on fire so it’s all great but yep we don’t use the term step dad in this house, certainly not in front of the kids.

Simplyunacceptable · 04/12/2020 15:02

I think a step-parent has a hand in raising the child. irrespective of whether they are legally considered a step-parent.

I don't think Dad's girlfriend who sees the kids once a week for a few hours constitutes Step-mother material but I do think Mum's partner who is around all week, helps with school runs and homework, deals with tantrums etc is step-father.

YoungScrappyHungry · 04/12/2020 15:02

Well according to DH's ex wife I'm not their stepmum even now we're married. She told all the kids this three weeks before the wedding. Had DSD13 crying on the bed to us.

I calmly explained to his ex that nothing will change day to day but yes, legally, I will be, just like when her Dbro gets married she will become her sister in law, your husbands mum becomes your MIL etc. That soon shut her up.

YoungScrappyHungry · 04/12/2020 15:07

Not my step mum, even if they got married she wouldn't be

By law she would be. You can't stop any other legal family term, like SIL or MIL, and this is no different. Whether you ever call her that or not is your prerogative, but yes she is your stepmum and you not liking it doesn't change that.

Bollss · 04/12/2020 15:08

@Anordinarymum

When I was a child the only stepmother I know was the one in Snow White. I always thought the mother had to be dead anyway? If your mother is still living, alive even.. and your dad remarries - she's his wife and nowt to do with you.

What a load of old rhubarb

nowt to do with you but a lot of the time looks after you as much / more than your own parents, cooks for you, cleans for you, buys you things...

aye... nowt to do with you.

Livelovebehappy · 04/12/2020 15:11

I would say it’s what everyone is comfortable with. At the end of the day no one can force a child to refer to their dad’s girlfriend or fiancé as a step mum. My DF married another woman when I was 10, but I didn’t particularly like her and so it would have been alien for me to refer to her as my stepmum, as the term suggests an emotional and familiar connection when I felt neither. I used to just refer to her as my Dfs wife.

Wellthisismorethanabitgrim · 04/12/2020 15:15

I have a friend who lives with her partner, and his young son lives with them, has done for a few years. The little lad sees his mum one day a month, supervised. My friend does all the things a mum does, and then some. Her partner is a great dad, but she has pretty much an equal parenting role as they are very much a family, and the living arrangements for the son are likely permanent (I don't know the full details but the mum isn't deemed capable to look after him), she's fully committed to raising him as her own as he really needs a day to day mother figure. Of course she's a stepmother, to call her 'just Dave's girlfriend' would totally minimise the role she plays in their family.

PegLegTrev · 04/12/2020 15:17

I don’t understand how people can get so passionate about this. Surely it’s more about context, language evolves. If you’re cohabiting with dad for all intents and purposes you’re a step mum.

In the same way my DC call my brothers long term partner Auntie.

HappygoLucie · 04/12/2020 15:22

Lots of bitter divorced people might say their ex's partner isn't a step-parent unless they're married but if they're in a serious long-term relationship (especially if they live together, have children together etc) then of course they're technically a step-parent. Whether a bitter single ex thinks it or not, it's a simple title.

Wynston · 04/12/2020 15:25

I remember my step son referring to me as his step mum I felt so incredibly proud.
We have been part of each other's life since he was 9 and he is now 22.
His father and me aernt married but I call him my step son.

teateateateateamoretea · 04/12/2020 15:27

I don’t understand how people can get so passionate about this. Surely it’s more about context, language evolves. If you’re cohabiting with dad for all intents and purposes you’re a step mum

Only if the people involved want it to be so. If you're living with a man but you don't do anything with or for the children, you're no stepmum

funinthesun19 · 04/12/2020 15:36

Technically it means when you’re married. But that’s such an outdated view.

If dad has a long term partner then that’s enough to be called stepmum. Marriage isn’t everything these days.

I don’t think it’s a one size fits all though. It definitely wasn’t for me.
I was with my ex for 10 years and I didn’t call myself a stepmum. But that’s just cold hearted me I guess. Other people gladly wear that title and that’s great for them, but I was happy to just be dad’s partner.

QuentinWinters · 04/12/2020 15:44

My DPs kids call me their stepmum, my kids call DP stepdad and they call each other step brothers/sisters.
DP and I don't live together all the time and we aren't married. Noone asked the children to start with the "step" thing, they just did.
DD says going on about "my mums boyfriend" and "mums boyfriends children" is embarrassing and too complicated.
I am not sure about calling DPs partners my step kids but as thats what they call me it feels odd not to.

Notcrackersyet · 04/12/2020 15:48

My partner’s (LTR not married) child introduces me to her friends as her stepmum so that seems to be what I am!