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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Partner pestering and sulking for sex

68 replies

spiritofchristmas · 04/12/2020 09:57

I've been with my partner three years and we see each other every weekend where I stay at his house from Friday evening until Sunday afternoon. The problem is as soon as I get there he wants to have sex. I can say no, maybe later, take his hands off me etc, but I end up just letting him in the end, so he leaves me alone. If I don't he does tend to sulk a bit and will just try later on until we have had sex (this happens all three days i'm there). The thing is I love sex, but now the pestering is actually putting me off. I sometimes pretend i'm asleep and eventually he leaves me alone. This even happens when i'm on my period. He seems to think if I don't have sex with him then I don't find him attractive anymore, when the reality is sometimes i'm just tired and don't want.

OP posts:

UghNotThisAgain36 · 04/12/2020 10:01

He is a manipulative, coercive shit. Making you feel guilty for not presenting yourself for his pleasure as soon as you arrive? Doesn't that make your fanny slam shut?? Sulking is for toddlers.

I wouldn't be making the effort to go round there tbh in fact I'd be dumping him. At least not until he behaves like a grown up in an adult relationship.

Lockheart · 04/12/2020 10:04

You've been together three years and yet are still only spending weekends together?

This isn't a relationship OP, this is a friends with benefits arrangement.

I think you'd be better off moving on.

Martinisarebetterdirty · 04/12/2020 10:07

I agree move on, sex should be fantastic not something to appease a sulking partner. I can’t imagine how you can respect your partner if they sulk without sex let alone how you can want them to touch you or you to spend time with them.

gillianan · 04/12/2020 10:07

it sounds like weekend sex is the point of your arrangement rather than a real relationship, so if you aren't happy with that, end it?

Original poster

spiritofchristmas · 04/12/2020 10:08

The seeing each other at weekends is by my choice, I am busy in the week and like my time to myself. He has asked me to move in and progress, but I've not been in a rush to, as I like my life. It wasn't an issue until I went on the pill in the summer and my sex drive has gone down. He wasn't pestering me as I always wanted sex and I wasn't have periods being on the coil. This has been a recent ish development and it puts me off him.

OP posts:

wimhoffbreather · 04/12/2020 10:09

Yuuuuuck is not the biggest turn off when he sulks for sex like a big baby??

PerveenMistry · 04/12/2020 10:12

@Lockheart

You've been together three years and yet are still only spending weekends together?

This isn't a relationship OP, this is a friends with benefits arrangement.

I think you'd be better off moving on.

This guy is an ass, obviously, and she should get rid.

But not every couple wants to live together or progess to marriage. I've had several LTRs and all were satisfying and enjoyable without us ever contemplating cohabitation. I like my space.

comedycentral · 04/12/2020 10:15

He sounds gross. Don't throw away your self worth by having sex with him just to get him to leave you alone.

Porcupineinwaiting · 04/12/2020 10:18

So until recently you were far more up for sex with him and now you're not? Sounds like the new you is not compatible with him (well tbh the old you doesnt sound that compatible either) so maybe sack it off.

nosswith · 04/12/2020 10:22

You deserve better. End the relationship.

jacks11 · 04/12/2020 10:24

I agree with others that the pestering and the sulking are completely unacceptable. It is also deeply unattractive and would put me off even more.

That said, have you told him why your sex-drive has changed? Maybe he feels rejected or that you don’t fancy him any more because you don’t want to have sex as often as you used to- not that this would excuse his behaviour because it’s still well out of line, but might explain it. I can see why he might be feeling a bit rejected if you’ve suddenly gone from a very active sex life to you not really wanting it at all. If that is the case, he’s handled it terribly.

I’m not sure there is much mileage left in this relationship- you seem to want different things. He wants more sex and to move the relationship forward. You want your space and don’t want to move in (given his recent behaviour, I don’t blame you) and less sex. What do you have in common and is it worth fighting for?

If you want to save the relationship, then talk to him and tell him how his behaviour makes you feel. Tell him he needs to make changes if he wants the relationship to work. If you haven’t already, explain being on the pill has affected your sex drive. Give it a time limit up see changes, if they don’t happen then I think you should end the relationship.

gingerbreadfox · 04/12/2020 10:25

Ew. He sounds vile. You need to find a man who knows what respect is

adogisforlife91 · 04/12/2020 10:29

It sounds like he doesn't respect you or your wishes. It's all about him and his satisfaction. I had a partner like this and I could never understand how he could still enjoy it and want to, when I so CLEARLY was not into it. Some instances looking back i think would actually be considered assault but I didn't realise that at the time.

You need to tell him how this makes YOU feel. If he tries to twist the story back to how HE feels or accusing you of not loving him and ignoring the fact he makes you feel a particular way etc then that's tell tale manipulation. I'd end it asap in that case.

Givemeabreak88 · 04/12/2020 10:30

I think weekends are fine, maybe the op has kids and doesn’t want to move a partner in? There are many reasons why people don’t live together. The fact that he is a sex pest should have you ending it though

TripNeeded · 04/12/2020 10:31

No. This is never okay.

Get rid if the slimey creep.

buckingmad · 04/12/2020 10:33

Get rid, what a creep.

Original poster

spiritofchristmas · 04/12/2020 10:38

He also was a bit shitty with me on Wednesday on my birthday as I choose to spend time with my friend for the day instead of him. We went for an outside lunch and around some shops. He said my friend was more important than him obviously. I've never noticed any of this before.

OP posts:

SilverRoe · 04/12/2020 10:39

I really hope people Ignore those who think the only valid relationships are ones where you see each other loads or live together. The amount of time you spend around someone does not = how serious or ‘real’ a relationship is. We’re in different times now, it’s not necessary to have a co-habiting 24/7 thing if people don’t want to and those who think that’s the only real relationship are in my view people who you tend to see utterly lost when their ‘other half’ breaks up with them or they have to spend more than one evening without company a week. It’s a complete lack of being able to be with your own self and isn’t actually that healthy in many cases.

Right, now i’ve got that off my chest - he’s being an immature, coercive twat and for that i’d lay down the law, give one chance to change and end it if he cannot learn to respect that sex should be a mutual thing between interested parties, not something you are entitled to because of a relationship status.

justicedanceson · 04/12/2020 10:39

This isn’t what enthusiastic consent looks like. Get out.

TwentyViginti · 04/12/2020 10:41

NEVER have sex you don't want, OP.

He sounds a whiny little shit about other stuff too. Manbrats are such a turn off.

Original poster

spiritofchristmas · 04/12/2020 10:42

I have told him my sex drive has changed since being on the pill and it's not because I'm not attracted to him. The sulking is very off putting and making me not enjoy it. I do enjoy his company otherwise and we have a nice time together, he makes me laugh etc, but the sex thing is becoming a bigger issue. It's making me question the whole relationship now.

OP posts:

TheStoic · 04/12/2020 10:44

You must be dreading the weekends. I think ending it would feel like a huge weight off your shoulders.

pinkyredrose · 04/12/2020 10:45

but I end up just letting him in the end, so he leaves me alone

Please get rid. He doesn't give a shit about you, it's more important to get his end away . 'Letting' someone have sex with your body will make you hate yourself and him.

Littlemissnutcracker · 04/12/2020 10:46

I would hate this. What's wrong with making dinner and having a catch up with a glass of wine when you meet up on a Friday evening. So he's always initiating? Not on your terms? No that wouldnt be for me. Tonight dont go over. Tell him why.

Higgeldypiggeldy35 · 04/12/2020 10:46

You're right to question the whole relationship OP he is coercing you into sex. Nice people don't do that.

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