Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

Partner pestering and sulking for sex

68 replies

spiritofchristmas · 04/12/2020 09:57

I've been with my partner three years and we see each other every weekend where I stay at his house from Friday evening until Sunday afternoon. The problem is as soon as I get there he wants to have sex. I can say no, maybe later, take his hands off me etc, but I end up just letting him in the end, so he leaves me alone. If I don't he does tend to sulk a bit and will just try later on until we have had sex (this happens all three days i'm there). The thing is I love sex, but now the pestering is actually putting me off. I sometimes pretend i'm asleep and eventually he leaves me alone. This even happens when i'm on my period. He seems to think if I don't have sex with him then I don't find him attractive anymore, when the reality is sometimes i'm just tired and don't want.

OP posts:

Original poster

spiritofchristmas · 04/12/2020 12:04

I appreciate the replies. I will text him and say I don't want sex this weekend and I am not budging on that and see what he says.

OP posts:

Hannahmates · 04/12/2020 12:08

You're not compatible with him. Most people would want to spend some time with their partners during their birthday. He wants more than you are willing to give. Breaking up seems like the most obvious solution.

TwentyViginti · 04/12/2020 12:10

His reply may be "ok fine, no probs" - but then start pestering and sulking once you get there.

Lockheart · 04/12/2020 12:21

@PerveenMistry I haven't said they should live together or get married, so I'm not sure why you're talking about either of those things.

3 years of only seeing each other at weekends though does not speak to a great deal of background commitment from either party.

Clearly this set up is no longer working for OP and the relationship is no longer healthy in any event.

TinkerPony · 04/12/2020 12:28

Oh cross post ah well that his own fault then for let you down for the last two bdays.

MarieIVanArkleStinks · 04/12/2020 12:30

OP you've already decided what you want to do and I'm late to the party. All I would add is that I agree there are some old-fashioned, conservative views about relationships on this thread and that they are not all worthless unless they end in living together or marriage. These days different people want different things.

This isn't the issue here. There's little that is more unattractive than being constantly pestered for sex, other than sulking and passive aggression (especially where the two are interrelated). Both are an utter turn-off.

More importantly, as PPs have said, this is coercion. When you're with someone who can enjoy sex with an obviously unwilling partner, I'd say that was a warning flag with flashing red lights and alarm bells on it. He's crossing the boundaries of consent here, and reading about patterns of behaviour relating to this particular issue, they do have a tendency to escalate it.

Maybe if you search your motivation you might have had other unconscious reasons for not wanting to live with this man. Which, BTW, is something you shouldn't ever consider doing.

Twiddlet · 04/12/2020 13:33

Totally agree that he needs telling. Sex should happen naturally between you with him reading your signals too, not him just grabbing at you and the desire all being one way. It’s beyond off-putting. He’s treating it as a purely physical release for himself - so selfish.

StrippedFridge · 04/12/2020 13:38

He enjoys having sex with you even when he knows you don't really want to.

He ignores your birthday.

He has a sulker personality

You have a manipulable by sulks personality.

I would not consider him a keeper.

firesong · 04/12/2020 14:09

Seems a bit odd to text him and say you don't want sex at the weekend, though? I would be really baffled if my boyfriend sent me that message. He went off sex during lockdown because he was stressed. He didn't say he was stressed and yep, I thought he had gone off me or something. I didn't pester him to have sex, but I felt really down and unattractive to him.

thepeopleversuswork · 04/12/2020 14:15

@firesong

firesong the critical thing is you didn't pester him to have sex. The OP's other half basically treats her like an inflatable doll.

I have my doubts as to whether you'll get the penny to drop. He sounds like a monster. I don't see what difference it makes whether you text him or tell him to his face: he clearly sees you as his possession so he's unlikely to take your feelings into consideration.

Eckhart · 04/12/2020 14:22

Your OP is a description of why you need to leave him. There is not, and nor should there be, a question.

He is coercing you into sex. That's abuse. Leave him, and if you can't do it immediately, at least choose never to have sex with him again. Let him sulk. He doesn't respect your feelings, so there's no need for you to kowtow to his. Why on earth would you think you should?

Thelnebriati · 04/12/2020 14:31

He sounds like a 'nice guy'. Nice Guys believe basic social manners are currency for sex. f it doesn't get them what they want they drop the nice act and turn nasty fast.

cavemancircus.com/2011/10/24/nice-guy-syndrome-what-it-is-and-why-you-should-kill-it-with-fire/

I'd end things because it isn't in your power to fix this or change his attitude.

greenspacesoverthere · 04/12/2020 16:37

I appreciate the replies. I will text him and say I don't want sex this weekend and I am not budging on that and see what he says.

Tell us what he says

Nanny0gg · 04/12/2020 17:44

@spiritofchristmas

The seeing each other at weekends is by my choice, I am busy in the week and like my time to myself. He has asked me to move in and progress, but I've not been in a rush to, as I like my life. It wasn't an issue until I went on the pill in the summer and my sex drive has gone down. He wasn't pestering me as I always wanted sex and I wasn't have periods being on the coil. This has been a recent ish development and it puts me off him.

Ignoring covid, do you out? Meals, cinema etc? See friends? Walks?

Or is it just sex?

madcatladyforever · 04/12/2020 17:49

Dump him. My ex husband was like this for the entire 17 years we were married. It affected my mental health badly and at the time of our divorce I hated so much I would have laughed if he'd fallen under a bus.
It's rapey nasty behaviour, he thinks he is entitled to your body.
It's objectification, you are not a sex toy, sex with you is a priviledge not a right.

SeaSunMoon · 04/12/2020 17:53

The phrase “letting him” really isn’t selling him, and the not planning for your birthday is bad as well.

LannieDuck · 04/12/2020 18:48

It sound like he wanted to see you on your birthday because you weren't available.

iknowimcoming · 05/12/2020 10:48

Hope you're ok OP?

Flip

1 2 3