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Original poster

Partner pestering and sulking for sex

68 replies

spiritofchristmas · 04/12/2020 09:57

I've been with my partner three years and we see each other every weekend where I stay at his house from Friday evening until Sunday afternoon. The problem is as soon as I get there he wants to have sex. I can say no, maybe later, take his hands off me etc, but I end up just letting him in the end, so he leaves me alone. If I don't he does tend to sulk a bit and will just try later on until we have had sex (this happens all three days i'm there). The thing is I love sex, but now the pestering is actually putting me off. I sometimes pretend i'm asleep and eventually he leaves me alone. This even happens when i'm on my period. He seems to think if I don't have sex with him then I don't find him attractive anymore, when the reality is sometimes i'm just tired and don't want.

OP posts:
HoppingPavlova · 04/12/2020 10:50

I would bin him sharpish. Sex pests are a complete turn off as are tantrums. He sounds like a real chore and I couldn’t see benefits outweighing that tbh.

user117226931 · 04/12/2020 10:51

Coerced sex is rape.

Punishing you for seeing your friends is not normal.

Peachy1381 · 04/12/2020 10:52

The sulking and pestering would be a huge turn off for me. It actually sounds a bit creepy to me in your original post.

In your place I would attempt a serious conversation about this, maybe on neutral ground during the week so that you are not stuck there with his reaction all weekend, if his reaction isn't favourable.

In that conversation I'd lay out how very off putting his attitude to sex is and how it is making you question the relationship. Explain it is not about being attracted to him, it is about being coerced into sex that you don't want to have. If he tries to turn it around on you in anyway state that this is how you feel and it needs to change for you to continue. This might all be difficult for him to hear so let him reflect on this. And if the situation doesn't improve, let him go.

thepeopleversuswork · 04/12/2020 10:54
  1. Your partner is a coercive twat who has no understanding of the fact that you are an independent person and not a sex toy for him. On that basis alone the relationship is dead.
  1. Why the fuck is it so difficult for people to grasp the cohabitation is not the only bellwether of a committed relationship? There are a million perfectly sensible reasons why people may prefer not to rush to living together, which I won't list here.

Every single thread of this kind you get someone popping up to ask why the OP and the DP aren't living together. Way to spectacularly miss the point.

In this case its clearly a very good thing they are not living together. But as a general point why do people equate shared bills and the need to clear up after one another and share a television as a hallmark of a good relationship?

CaraDuneRedux · 04/12/2020 10:59

End the relationship because regardless of the cause of your change in libido, he's clearly shown himself to be a sex pest and arse.

Then have a think about what you are prepared to put up with by way of side effects from contraception. I completely lost my libido on the pill which I rather felt destroyed the purpose of the exercise, so I went back to condoms. I have other friends who felt drop in sex drive and mood swings was a price worth paying for being safe from the risk of pregnancy

ForTheLoveOfCatFood · 04/12/2020 10:59

Gross I wouldn’t be visiting any more.

Crankley · 04/12/2020 11:02

He's a sex pest and YABU for having sex when you don't really want it. Biggest turn off ever. He could sulk permanently if he was my bf.

greenspacesoverthere · 04/12/2020 11:03

You've told him the reason why and he's not listened.

He wants his ego stroked (even on your birthday)

I honestly couldn't be bothered to see someone like this

Why are you bothering?

Original poster
spiritofchristmas · 04/12/2020 11:10

Come to think of it he does sulk a lot if he doesn't get his own way and is very selfish at times. I think this has maybe been the reason I only like to see him at the weekends. I think me going on the pill has shown me for what he really is an it is off putting and we are not compatible.

OP posts:
PerveenMistry · 04/12/2020 11:10

@thepeopleversuswork

1. Your partner is a coercive twat who has no understanding of the fact that you are an independent person and not a sex toy for him. On that basis alone the relationship is dead.
  1. Why the fuck is it so difficult for people to grasp the cohabitation is not the only bellwether of a committed relationship? There are a million perfectly sensible reasons why people may prefer not to rush to living together, which I won't list here.

Every single thread of this kind you get someone popping up to ask why the OP and the DP aren't living together. Way to spectacularly miss the point.

In this case its clearly a very good thing they are not living together. But as a general point why do people equate shared bills and the need to clear up after one another and share a television as a hallmark of a good relationship?

Exactly, thank you!

Salty2020 · 04/12/2020 11:12

@spiritofchristmas

He also was a bit shitty with me on Wednesday on my birthday as I choose to spend time with my friend for the day instead of him. We went for an outside lunch and around some shops. He said my friend was more important than him obviously. I've never noticed any of this before.
Tbf, you see him on weekends only. After a 3 year “relationship” I can imagine he might feel a bit put out if he would like to see you on your birthday and you didn’t want to see him.

I see someone else said it sounds like a friends with benefits situation and your response was that it’s not, because it’s your choice to only see each other on weekends.... so in actual fact it comes across that you aren’t really into the relationship and that you want it to be friends with very few benefits. After 3 years I wouldn’t be hanging around if I was him. No wonder he thinks you don’t find him attractive. Sorry!

PerveenMistry · 04/12/2020 11:14

@spiritofchristmas

I have told him my sex drive has changed since being on the pill and it's not because I'm not attracted to him. The sulking is very off putting and making me not enjoy it. I do enjoy his company otherwise and we have a nice time together, he makes me laugh etc, but the sex thing is becoming a bigger issue. It's making me question the whole relationship now.

I have a close friend whose husband was a sulking coercive sex pest into his 60s. He cared zero about her desire or pleasure; she was just a means to an end.

He died unexpectedly leaving her a 57-year-old widow and she doesn't try to hide that it's a huge relief.

Do you want to live like that? Sucked the life out of her.

thepeopleversuswork · 04/12/2020 11:19

The sulking is very off putting and making me not enjoy it

This is the crux of the matter and telling him its about being on the pill etc is avoiding dealing with it.

His demands for sex are turning you off sex: its a very simple dynamic.

I personally couldn't continue to be in a relationship like this in any event. For me the fact that he thinks of you as a receptacle for his sexual needs would just be something I couldn't get past.

But if you want any hope of maintaining this relationship you have to be direct with him or he won't get the message.

Original poster
spiritofchristmas · 04/12/2020 11:25

@Salty2020 for the last two birthdays he has been too busy to see me, so I made my own plans this year, so I wasn't let down last min again. He did used to stay with me once in the week, but he always struggled in my bed and would end up on the sofa. He stopped asking to come over and I left it at that, which suited me as I got more sleep and I like to relax in my own home alone. I can't stay at him midweek as it's too far from my work. We talk everyday on the phone, video call and if I have annual leave I stay with him or we go away together. It is a very normal relationship, we just don't need to be in each others pockets and don't live that close to each other.

OP posts:
TinkerPony · 04/12/2020 11:26

Curious what was his plan for your birthday.
I assume you were off work that day with your friend.
The fact you enjoy your friend company more for yoir birthday day out than his company is enough to say time to let him go.

Original poster
spiritofchristmas · 04/12/2020 11:26

I'm seeing him tonight and think I will try and have an honest conversation, if he doesn't get it then i'm done.

OP posts:
Silentplikebath · 04/12/2020 11:27

@spiritofchristmas Thank goodness you don’t live with him. He would be pestering you and sulking all the time when you say no!

Break up with this horrible man and in the future never agree to have sex that you don’t want. You deserve to be treated with respect in a relationship and should not accept anything less.

warmandtoasty2day · 04/12/2020 11:28

Dump him, you'll feel betterfor it, he needs a blow up doll.

Original poster
spiritofchristmas · 04/12/2020 11:29

@TinkerPony he had no plan for my birthday, he asked me at 11pm the night before what I was doing on my day off and I said I was seeing a friend. I had already asked him the week before to book a restaurant to go for dinner this weekend for my birthday. He didn't ask to come to mine that evening either.

OP posts:
MillyA · 04/12/2020 11:32

I recognise myself in your post OP, infact I have posted similar myself over the years.

There needs to be an adjustment of expectations on his part in light of your lowered sex drive, he simply cannot expect to have sex that you don't want just because he does.

My libido plummeted after having two children 15 months apart and I used to resent the expectation of sex when I didn't want it. Like your partner, my H associated me not wanting sex with not being attracted / in love with him any more.

You need to tell him firmly to stop with the badgering. It's not healthy to be having sex you don't want.

thepeopleversuswork · 04/12/2020 11:34

I can't believe people are suggesting that the fact you want to see him at weekends is in any way relevant to this.

A man who treats a woman like a live porn mag has no right to any consideration of his feelings. What possible relevance can the OP's choice of frequency as to when to see him have to this?

If he can't handle a weekend only relationship then that's a reasonable point but the idea that the OP needs to "put out" more to compensate for this is so regressive.

As someone else said, thank Christ you don't live with him.

Original poster
spiritofchristmas · 04/12/2020 11:44

We did 'live' together at the start of lockdown until restrictions started to ease as I was furloughed. This was before the pill and it was sex every single day, I thought it might calm down once the novelty wore off that I was there, but it didn't, but I stupidly just rolled with it.

OP posts:
iknowimcoming · 04/12/2020 11:47

Why don't you message him and say 'heads up - this weekend you don't want sex at all, not once, at all, and does he still want you to come over' - I reckon you'll find out all you need to know by his answer. And you won't have wasted another weekend on him, you can do better OP Thanks

LurkingLurking2020 · 04/12/2020 11:56

It doesn't sound much like a 'partner' more like a FWB you turn up and he jumps you. You are feeling uneasy, you feel he is pestering you for sex and he goes on and on or sulks until he gets it - how unattractive is that! It appears he wants you for sex only.

Personally I wouldn't put up with this and I too love sex. He is making you feel uncomfortable, like an object you feel the need to pretend to be asleep to stop him pestering you etc etc ..... massive, massive warning signs - YOU DESERVE BETTER

thepeopleversuswork · 04/12/2020 11:59

@spiritofchristmas

We did 'live' together at the start of lockdown until restrictions started to ease as I was furloughed. This was before the pill and it was sex every single day, I thought it might calm down once the novelty wore off that I was there, but it didn't, but I stupidly just rolled with it.
OP you don't have to justify whether or not you live together. It's entirely irrelevant to this.

You have a right not to have to have sex at your partner's whim.

Your cohabitation status and the frequency with which you see him has no bearing on this whatsoever.

Ignore the stepford wives.