Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think grandparents shouldn't just feed grandchildren rubbish?

75 replies

YeahYesYup · 03/12/2020 12:42

Just looking for opinions as im always made to feel like iabu if i mention this to my DM.

DM looks after both my DC while i work 4 days a week, she does school drop off's for older DC and looks after youngest who is pre-school age, i get home not long after school pick up. I am more than grateful and cannot afford childcare so i know she does me a massive favour.

Older DC is a fussy eater and eats too much junk as it is (obviously i try to get in as much healthy food as i can) Youngest has a much more varied diet but has a small appetite and some days doesn't eat much at all.

Problem is my DM seems to think everyday she has them that they need treats and goodies to keep them happy. She has a routine of taking eldest to the shops daily after school where he buys and eats a share bag of crisps, fizzy drink and a chocolate bar each day after school. He then of course isn't hungry half the time when dinner is ready.

With the youngest, i pack a lunchbox of healthy snacks and DM provides lunch (i've previously put in a lunch but DM always gives something different so has told me not to bother putting lunch in) her lunch isn't necessarily unhealthy but she never offers fruit/veg like i would with a lunch and if i've put fruit in the lunchbox it has never been eaten. Mostly because because she lets DC choose the snacks she wants and never chooses the fruit as most toddlers would lol.
In addition to that she will tell me DC had biscuits/chocolate etc as snacks, especially on a day when DC hasn't eaten much she seems to think she needs extra unhealthy snacks just so she's eaten something.

I am not opposed to either of them having treats but 4 times a week this isnt a treat is it?

I have spoken to DM and she'll admit it's too much and try to do it differently but it always comes back to the same thing.

Do other grandparents treat their grandchildren the same and im just being unreasonable?

OP posts:
nosswith · 03/12/2020 12:51

You are not being unreasonable. Especially the crisps and fizzy drink.

TheLightGetsIn · 03/12/2020 12:54

YANBU at all, but it can be a nightmare if grandparents are providing childcare. You will just have to find some way of getting your DM on-board. Could you talk to her about it and find out why she does it? Is it just because she likes an easy way of pleasing them, or does she find that they moan and complain if they don't get the junk? Why is she so resistant to your providing lunchboxes and snacks for them? If you can find out why she does it you might have a better chance of treating it as a problem to tackle together rather than you vs her.

Shoppingwithmother · 03/12/2020 12:57

YANBU to not want your children to eat this stuff.

However YABVU to have grandparents looking after both your children 4 days a week. It’s way above and beyond what they should be expected to do. What would you have done with your children if she wouldn’t/couldn’t look after them for you?

So, unfortunately, you can ask, but I don’t think you’re in much of a position to complain about how she’s looking after them in the circumstances.

OverTheRainbow88 · 03/12/2020 13:11

I would pick one battle and that would be the no fizzy drinks.

sniffsniff · 03/12/2020 13:15

I'm sure a lot of people here will pick up on your childcare arrangements but you are NBU.

My parents have this thing about giving my DC 'kids food' aka any old sugary shit. It's not really a hill I'm prepared to die on as it's nowhere near what you are experiencing but I sympathise. For me fizzy drinks would be a hard no but I could maybe let the other stuff go (just).

Conversely some of my fondest childhood memories are of my grandparents who DGAF about my parents sensible guidelines Grin

RJnomore1 · 03/12/2020 13:17

I had this with my mother too. “Oh that’s just what grannies do, that’s how they get pleasure” was the response. I did point out I thought she would have got more pleasure from knowing her grandchildren were getting the best healthiest start in life than stuffing them full of sugars to make herself feel thst they like her.

This may not be the best approach.

BarbaraofSeville · 03/12/2020 13:20

If she's got them at teatime would she be willing to feed them their evening meal and a small treat rather than big bags of crisps, sweets and pop? They might be hungry for more than a small snack, which is why they're eating piles of junk.

YANBU to object to though. I must admit that, the time I 'caught' my DM feeding my nephews Greggs sausage rolls and Fruit shoots during after school childcare, I immediately thought about how Mumsnet would react to something like that.

mooncakes · 03/12/2020 13:28

I agree with picking your battles, and fizzy drinks would definitely be the thing for me.

Can you change your hours to collect your DS from school? That seems to be the worst point. Or even a couple of afternoons of childcare - make sure you have looked in to universal credit or tax free childcare for help with the cost.

How old is your youngest? Will they be getting 30 hours childcare funding soon? Send them to a childminder or nursery with a healthy menu.

helloxhristmas · 03/12/2020 13:28

THis used to drive me mad. MIL and DM did after school pick before breakfast club was established. They couldn't between them fathom that every day is not a treat, and DM in particular would berate me if I ever said we were going to a cafe for a cookie or something at the weekend.

Formal paid childcare was the way forward.

pigsDOfly · 03/12/2020 13:34

The fact that grandparents are doing childcare as a favour is irrelevant.

Speaking as a grandmother, no it isn't just what grandmothers do.

What about if you provided a goody bag full of healthy stuff, like cut up fruit and vegetables, for them to eat if they're hungry when they come out of school OP. Surely your DM wouldn't let it go to waste in favour of giving them junk.

And she needs to stop the fizzy drinks, nothing wrong with plain water or milk.

Does she not realise how much harm she is doing by giving them all that sugar both to their bodies and their teeth?

You need to start insisting it stops. Despite what she might think, it's not the way to show love.

eddiemairswife · 03/12/2020 13:43

I was a hard-hearted grandmother. My grandson used to try it on, not eating his dinner{midday} and then complaining he was hungry and could he have some Smarties. I didn't give in. He got the message eventually.

Knittingnanny · 03/12/2020 13:53

I only do one day a week grandchildcare so obviously them having an after school treat is only once a week. I try to stick to what I know their parents would offer as I personally don’t believe in this “ grandma can do anything she likes” stuff, if I give them treat type snacks I always pass on that info spit doesn’t become “ our secret”.
Irrelevant I think whether it is one or four days care, she should be respecting your wishes
By the way, how old is she? . I’m 64 and 4 days a week would completely exhaust me, even with grandad sharing it!

Knittingnanny · 03/12/2020 13:53

Spit???? So it

MaskingForIt · 03/12/2020 13:57

@OverTheRainbow88

I would pick one battle and that would be the no fizzy drinks.
No sugary drinks at all. Things like Oasis aren’t fizzy, but have just as much sugar.
TheSoapyFrog · 03/12/2020 14:03

YANBU. I agree four times a week isn't a treat. I'm guessing if you struggle to get them to eat healthily, she probably is too and is taking the path of least resistance. The kids have probably come to expect it as well so it's easier to just provide the junk.

Poachedeggs1 · 03/12/2020 14:03

Perhaps instead of having a word with your mum, can you not speak to the older children and tell them they’re only allowed water/milk to drink and no sweets after school. Leave a bowl on the kitchen table for after school snacks that you would like them to have, such as fruit. Or bake some healthy snacks for them that can replace the sweets. Put any other chocolate biscuits/crisps away in a cupboard.

It’s a tricky one because although I agree that it’s not healthy for the children to have this every day, your mum is helping you out immensely and saving you a fortune in childcare, so I’d tread carefully. You don’t want to offend her when she is already giving up her time to look after your children.

user1493413286 · 03/12/2020 14:08

I think of grandparents see their grandchildren once a month then fine but not 4 times a week. My mil used to be like this when we saw her once a week and I found it frustrating as then I could never give DD treats as she’d already had so much and there were times when I ended up taking food to work as she’d bring whole packs of things that we had no hope of getting through. My DH had a word with her and it’s reduced and she often now buys her kids magazines as a treat (over priced rubbish but better than junk food)

Lightwindows · 03/12/2020 14:09

YANBU but she is doing an awful lot of childcare hours, does she give them junk just to get a quiet life? 4 days a week with a preschooler and school runs could be totally wearing her out, assuming she is at least middle aged, and so she doesn't want to fight these sort of battles. I think you should discuss how she finds doing the child care with her, maybe look into some paid childcare to give her a break? Then she might have the energy to insist on no junk the other days.

Welcometonowhere · 03/12/2020 14:11

YANBU. My brother had terrible problems with his teeth, and I was quite a plump child due to my grandparents doing this.

TheDowagerDuchess · 03/12/2020 14:12

It’s really difficult OP. I agree you have to try to get her on board some how.

My Mum is good with most things but she does seem to think children need sugary drinks- squash, juice etc - all the time. It’s because she claims “not to like” water herself I think. Does your MIL have food issues of her own?

TheDowagerDuchess · 03/12/2020 14:12

PS my Mum doesn’t provide childcare now but I mean when we see her.

PurBal · 03/12/2020 14:14

In my experience grandparents always give treats and snacks. And it's part of the enjoyment of being a grandparent. I don't think that's the issue so much as how often they see their grandparents. If it's once a week or once a fortnight then the treats would become less frequent. YANBU to want your kids to eat a healthy diet. But when you hand over the care of your children to someone else it's fairly inevitable. Sucks really.

Haworthia · 03/12/2020 14:17

I’ve been fighting this battle for so many years I’ve lost count. Both grandmothers are desperate to ply my kids with as much sugar as possible. Why? I don’t get it. We could go there for lunch (well, in the old days when we could) and they’d have lunch and a dessert, and an hour later they’re pleading for permission to give them chocolate or cake. NO!

Boatingforthestars · 03/12/2020 14:18

I'd love my DC's grandparents to help out full stop, one of them is a "housewife" was a stay at home mum till the kids grew up and still refuses to help at all.
Think it's difficult to want her help but then dictate what she does with them, the obvious answer would be stop receiving her help if you dont like it.
I do understand your frustrations though.

Mischance · 03/12/2020 14:19

Perhaps give her something for her to give them for their afternoon snack as they leave school.

Free child care is not to be sneezed at!!