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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think grandparents shouldn't just feed grandchildren rubbish?

75 replies

YeahYesYup · 03/12/2020 12:42

Just looking for opinions as im always made to feel like iabu if i mention this to my DM.

DM looks after both my DC while i work 4 days a week, she does school drop off's for older DC and looks after youngest who is pre-school age, i get home not long after school pick up. I am more than grateful and cannot afford childcare so i know she does me a massive favour.

Older DC is a fussy eater and eats too much junk as it is (obviously i try to get in as much healthy food as i can) Youngest has a much more varied diet but has a small appetite and some days doesn't eat much at all.

Problem is my DM seems to think everyday she has them that they need treats and goodies to keep them happy. She has a routine of taking eldest to the shops daily after school where he buys and eats a share bag of crisps, fizzy drink and a chocolate bar each day after school. He then of course isn't hungry half the time when dinner is ready.

With the youngest, i pack a lunchbox of healthy snacks and DM provides lunch (i've previously put in a lunch but DM always gives something different so has told me not to bother putting lunch in) her lunch isn't necessarily unhealthy but she never offers fruit/veg like i would with a lunch and if i've put fruit in the lunchbox it has never been eaten. Mostly because because she lets DC choose the snacks she wants and never chooses the fruit as most toddlers would lol.
In addition to that she will tell me DC had biscuits/chocolate etc as snacks, especially on a day when DC hasn't eaten much she seems to think she needs extra unhealthy snacks just so she's eaten something.

I am not opposed to either of them having treats but 4 times a week this isnt a treat is it?

I have spoken to DM and she'll admit it's too much and try to do it differently but it always comes back to the same thing.

Do other grandparents treat their grandchildren the same and im just being unreasonable?

OP posts:

OverTheRainbow88 · 03/12/2020 14:22

one of them is a "housewife" was a stay at home mum till the kids grew up and still refuses to help at all.

Maybe she feels like she’s done her time raising kids... I find it tiring and I’m in my early 30s. I will not be looking after young kids when I’m older and mine have grown up that’s for sure.

BlueCheckedTeatowel · 03/12/2020 14:43

i think the once a week/fornight hourly trips to grandmas then a bag of crisps and a bar of chocolate isnt a problem. however the amount of time you say your DC are spending with your DM, then no its too much junk. thats over half the week she is feeding them a lot of sugar.

willowmelangell · 03/12/2020 14:45

4 times a week is a habit, not a treat.
Can you casually mention that dc are not finishing their dinner and it is such a waste, going in the bin.
I don't think anybody could object to that.
Tell older dc there is no more sweet shop after school and pack a snack for them. Ask DM to give dc the after school snack you have packed.
You have talked about it and DM sees the problem. Hopefully one more chat should do it.

UsernameChat · 03/12/2020 14:54

You mentioned you spoke to your DM and she agreed that 4 days of treats was too much. Perhaps you should both sit down with all children and explain that, from now on, they can have treats with your mum one day a week. Ask the kids which day they'd like this to be, and then both you and your mum need to stick to this arrangement, no matter how much the kids my grumble.

If things don't improve, the options are to pay for registered childcare or put up with the way your mum does things until you're in a position to pay for childcare.

1forAll74 · 03/12/2020 14:54

No fizzy drinks or lots of crisps, it then becomes a bad habit.

Preparefortheflaming · 03/12/2020 14:57

This was the same with my parents. We are all overweight and have diabetes in the family. One of my dc has weak teeth. my parents would not stop loading them with sweets biscuits and crisps. I am not a mother that makes them have carrot sticks and hummus for lunch (although I love this, the kids don’t) but I like a little bit of balance. My parents didn’t listen and they knew it really got to me when they would offer the kids these things before asking and I would have to say no. Or I’d feel like they’d put me in a position where I then felt I had to agree to it. It’s really hard.

JillofTrades · 03/12/2020 14:59

Why don't you just give her all the snacks and meals so that it's not an issue? Honestly you should be so grateful and I completely agree with you, But its likely she won't really stop giving them treats so best to pick your battles. 4 days a week is hard work.

TheDowagerDuchess · 03/12/2020 14:59

Carrot sticks and hummus is one of the few ways my ds actually likes vegetables!

Macncheeseballs · 03/12/2020 15:00

If someone's looking after my kids for free, I never complain however I've never had regular unpaid childcare

B1rthis · 03/12/2020 15:00

Perhaps you could suggest that when your children get tooth decay and require a painful filling or extraction, your DM attends with them? She could watch how distressed your child is and then care for your child through the time when they're trying to heal from the procedure too?

Nanny0gg · 03/12/2020 15:02

I'm a grandparent.

My DGC have treats here the same as they have treats at home. In small quantities occasionally. So I do not go out of my way to load them up with rubbish.

And if there is anything they are absolutely not allowed (coke etc) then I don't give them at all.

They're not deprived and they don't hate us because of it!

If you don't follow their home 'rules' (with very occasional exceptions) then you aren't really 'helping'

Coyoacan · 03/12/2020 15:03

As a grandmother myself, I normally take the side of grandparents, but your children's health could be seriously affected if things continue like this.

Original poster

YeahYesYup · 03/12/2020 15:04

Sorry I should have mentioned she practically begged to have youngest DC as I had her in nursery when I went back to work from maternity leave but she never did really settle in and after Covid my DM was wary of me sending her back and offered to have her. The nursery fees were high and me and my DP were struggling to afford them as we are not high earners and so her offer was gratefully received.

She is in her early 60's but with no major health issues, she always says youngest is as good as gold and I'm sure she would tell me if she was struggling with having her.

OP posts:

womaninatightspot · 03/12/2020 15:04

I wasn't allowed sugar as a child. All my relatives would feed me lots of sugar when under their care. I think it's fine in general but the problem is the dc are with them so often. Can you cut down on them providing childcare? If not I'd book a dental check up for the kids and possibly exaggerate any signs of decays that are flagged by the dentist to at least cut out the fizzy drinks

Rosebel · 03/12/2020 15:06

Your mum looks after your children 4 days a week and you're complaining about how she feeds them.
You are right that it's not a healthy diet but if you push too hard your mum might decide to withdraw childcare which will be a nightmare if you can't afford paid childcare.
You obviously know talking to your mum doesn't work but have you given her meal and snack ideas?
Personally though if my parents were doing that much childcare I'd bite my tongue.

stressfullday · 03/12/2020 15:06

Yanbu to want your dc to eat healthily

Yabu to expect your dm to care for two young children for free for four days a week . It's just what grandparents do, they like to treat their dgc. Maybe you should find different professional childcare that knows about nutrition etc.

DogsAreBetterThanPeopleK · 03/12/2020 15:09

YANBU when talking about that many days of the week.

Seeing grandma the odd day at the weekend or whatever then I'd leave it and let her treat them. But 4 days a week is excessive.

Original poster

YeahYesYup · 03/12/2020 15:14

@jilloftrades I do send youngest with all her snacks for the day I just dont provide a main lunch meal as my DM was making her something else and my sandwiches/leftovers etc were just being wasted each day. To be honest I only offer 1 afternoon snack for youngest myself as like i said she is a small eater and the more snacks and rubbish she eats the less of her meals she'll eat.
I accept my DM gives her more snacks but there is plenty to choose from in the food I send rather than needing to add in the chocolate and biscuits.

She's the type of grandmother that if I go to visit even say 10 mins after they've eaten a meal she magically appears with a giant chocolate bar and insists they need a treat.

OP posts:

D4rwin · 03/12/2020 15:16

I can never understand why anyone would allow the grandparents to look after the DC where they're obviously not up to the job. Get some decent childcare!

kayakingmum · 03/12/2020 15:17

@OverTheRainbow88

I would pick one battle and that would be the no fizzy drinks.

That is what I would do as well.

sniffsniff · 03/12/2020 15:23

To be honest I'd also encourage them to rethink the idea of treats being food based. Our family are all overweight apart from me and my DSis (who were overweight and lost weight years ago) and we had to relearn to not use food as a treat. It still takes effort now to treat myself with things that aren't chocolate!

Nanny0gg · 03/12/2020 15:30

@Rosebel

Your mum looks after your children 4 days a week and you're complaining about how she feeds them. You are right that it's not a healthy diet but if you push too hard your mum might decide to withdraw childcare which will be a nightmare if you can't afford paid childcare. You obviously know talking to your mum doesn't work but have you given her meal and snack ideas? Personally though if my parents were doing that much childcare I'd bite my tongue.

Really? That's more than half the week on shit foods

Nanny0gg · 03/12/2020 15:33

@stressfullday

Yanbu to want your dc to eat healthily

Yes. Because all grandparents know sod-all about nutrition.

And it's not 'just what we do' either. Some do it because they think it's kind, or the children will love them more.

If your going to look after your DGC (especially when it was your own idea) you should really follow, to a very large degree, the parents 'rules' or just see them as family, every now and again. Treats will be fine then.

Butterymuffin · 03/12/2020 15:44

Your mum clearly wants to keep doing the childcare though so that's your bargaining point. Tell her the level of treats is a real sticking point as you're worried about their teeth and general health, and you're thinking about going back to using nursery at least part time because of it. That might be an option for you genuinely if full time is too expensive. But if she then says she will do things differently, there's your opening. Suggest they do the shop trip once a week only as a proper treat in future.

PinkSkiesAtNight · 03/12/2020 15:46

I don't understand this whole 'they are helping you out so you must put up with whatever they want to do' mentality. I live in a different country to my DM but occasionally she has stayed and had my kid(S) for a week while I have been working. She always asks what sort of thing they like/can have and would go along with whatever I said. She even asked before buying an advent calendar for DS. Why does them helping you out = losing the right to request (within reason) what your children eat/do?

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