To think grandparents shouldn't just feed grandchildren rubbish?

[YeahYesYup]

Just looking for opinions as im always made to feel like iabu if i mention this to my DM.

DM looks after both my DC while i work 4 days a week, she does school drop off's for older DC and looks after youngest who is pre-school age, i get home not long after school pick up. I am more than grateful and cannot afford childcare so i know she does me a massive favour.

Older DC is a fussy eater and eats too much junk as it is (obviously i try to get in as much healthy food as i can) Youngest has a much more varied diet but has a small appetite and some days doesn't eat much at all.

Problem is my DM seems to think everyday she has them that they need treats and goodies to keep them happy. She has a routine of taking eldest to the shops daily after school where he buys and eats a share bag of crisps, fizzy drink and a chocolate bar each day after school. He then of course isn't hungry half the time when dinner is ready.

With the youngest, i pack a lunchbox of healthy snacks and DM provides lunch (i've previously put in a lunch but DM always gives something different so has told me not to bother putting lunch in) her lunch isn't necessarily unhealthy but she never offers fruit/veg like i would with a lunch and if i've put fruit in the lunchbox it has never been eaten. Mostly because because she lets DC choose the snacks she wants and never chooses the fruit as most toddlers would lol.
In addition to that she will tell me DC had biscuits/chocolate etc as snacks, especially on a day when DC hasn't eaten much she seems to think she needs extra unhealthy snacks just so she's eaten something.

I am not opposed to either of them having treats but 4 times a week this isnt a treat is it?

I have spoken to DM and she'll admit it's too much and try to do it differently but it always comes back to the same thing.

Do other grandparents treat their grandchildren the same and im just being unreasonable?

Sorry, that was a bit of a derail. But it winds me up. In your situation, as a PP says, you have bargaining power if she wants to continue having them. The treats cut down to once a week, or whatever you feel is acceptable or you will look into paid childcare options.

It's just what they do, and one day, you'll be doing it too

I went through years of it with my parents, they just wouldn't accept I didn't want my children filled up with endless sweets and rubbish. My children didn't like juice, preferring water but my mum thought this was all my doing and that I was being cruel. She would insist they have juice even thought they didn't like it! My mother even once said to me "I won't have you telling me" so that was the last time she looked after them.

Tricky. YAobviouslyNBU to feel that your kids are getting too much sugar, but as your mum's providing childcare it's difficult. I guess, ultimately, it depends on if you are actually prepared to find alternative care if your mum won't listen to you about it.
Presumably, if the kids are used to having all the treats, your mum is going to need to be very willing to change indeed, as there's bound to be a difficult period of readjustment if she's prepared to do it.

Obviously the idea that all grandparents love shovelling sugar into their grandchildren is nonsense, but I do find it odd that lots of grandparents seem to love giving kids sweet treats because they don't have to worry about the consequences. It's very short sighted.
Both my kids' sets of grandparents think along these lines. My kids have never spent so much time with them that it's felt like a problem, but I still don't understand the mentality. One of my DC genuinely prefers a bit of fruit or a carrot to a cake etc, but they still hardly ever offer him the stuff he likes because in their heads it's not a treat!

I follow the kids’ rules in general, but do love to take a ‘Nanna treat’ if it’s irregular or I’ve not seen them a while - I had 2 of them in the summer for a weekend and wouldn’t just feed them junk though they had a treat the first night. One of my grandkids’ other grandma will let him have anything including the banned fizzy drinks - it was really hard for my daughter though she wanted her partner to address it he just didn’t, and when she did they ignored her. It continues now the sad lives back with his mum and she just picks up after both of them when grandkid goes. I do wonder sometimes if it’s just easier for her, as she does loads of childcare for all her sons and must be tired, perhaps this is an issue? Basically I have realised there are folk who listen to your preferences and folk who won’t - my kids’ grandma was paid by me for childcare and still didn’t listen - when it became occasional it was great and nice for kids to have that ‘spoiling’ sometimes, but know home would be different rules, it’s fruits hell when it’s regular though, but as someone who has seen all sides I would say sadly you will probably have to accept it, or change care, it’s exceptionally unlikely to change, and you’re just stressing yourself on top of work and family.

Well she's saving you well over £1k a month in childcare fees so I'd tread carefully......you don't say how MUCH/MANY biscuits/treats/ fizzy drinks they are having? If it's a couple of biscuits or a small chocolate bar I really wouldn't worry about it. Fizzy drinks depends on what it is....full fat coke obviously a big no no

It’s frustrating as hell 🤦🏻‍♀️

Opposite in our family. I'm the sugar police and my daughter is, in my view, too lenient with sweets. But my grandkids are never, thank God, given fizzy drinks

@ivfbeenbusy I do appreciate that, I do pay my DM an amount we agreed on as I know she is doing me a huge favour, so I'm not expecting her to do it for free. But yes I do give her alot less money than I'd pay in nursery fees.
For the eldest I've said she buys him a large packet of crisps, chocolate bar and a full sugar coke/Pepsi daily. Or if they dont go to the shop she will have brought him something earlier in the day like a big chocolate cookie or often a pot noodle which she says is just a snack and is better for him than chocolate. I've said that it contains enough calories to be a meal though! Eldest DC is 11 years old, a little chubby and did have 2 fillings in baby teeth a while ago.
After these fillings I told DM he needed to restrict snacking on sugar so I provided yogurt and plain rice cakes/crackers for after school (he is fussy I am limited with healthy things he will eat for snacks) but presumed that would be better than chocolate. She followed my advice for a week maybe then back to square one.

@earthyfire I too have tried to only offer youngest water as my eldest wouldn't drink plain water for years.

I send her to my DM's with water in her cup and it always comes back having been filled with squash. I know squash isn't the worst thing in the world but it's the lack of respect when I've told her I'd like to mostly offer water, with juice as an occasional treat.
She says youngest won't touch the water however she drinks it all day at home with me.

Totally agree with nanny0gg above - you need to make a decent(ish) effort at parents rules.

We’ve had this situation on one side, where a (small but appreciated) level of childcare was being provided and they absolutely couldn’t or wouldn’t stop ramming a very small child full of multiple sugary snacks and drinks every single time they had her.

Sadly (for everyone) it’s now once a week or fortnight with a parent there because they couldn’t see sense. I’m not against treats, but this was, past the point of all reason, stomach aches, couldn’t eat dinners because of it.

To me it also points to a lack of common sense and care for parental judgement in other areas, which is a concerning thought.

Really really hard though where your finances are such that you need the care and can’t just say no, actually I’ll pay.

Sounds like a massive pain, and I would hate it...but she’s literally saving you about £1000 a month so I don’t think you have a leg to stand on!

My mil is like this and it upsets me. She refuses to listen. When my oldest DC had to have teeth taken out I made her take him. I also asked the dentist to talk to her. No more share bags of sweeties but still a huge amount of beige crap. Luckily she’s not been able to get to them in lockdown and they both look way healthier. It drives me up the wall. I think they want to be seen as nice and the favourite and they do it thriugh bribery - food, treats, late nights, screens, never saying no... MIL says she is being kind. I think she’s being utterly selfish.

It’s hard as they provide free childcare, but we do pay for it indirectly!!

@Gooseybby

It's just what they do, and one day, you'll be doing it too

No it isn't!!

There is no they. There is some.

And maybe the OP will remember what it was like

Why on earth does the OP have to put up with her DM feeding her children junk because she's doing free childcare; what a ridiculous way to look at it.

If the OP's DM was smacking the children when they did something she didn't like, would that be okay because she's giving free childcare? No of course it wouldn't, so why is it okay to damage their health with rubbish.

And why is it seen by so many as something grandparents 'do'. I have never given my grandchildren sugary stuff to eat and drink because I want them to be healthy.

My mum does this with my DD, 4.

For example, she picked her up from school today and before she came home my Dd ate an ice lolly and piece of cake! At least she'd had a healthy tea before that. But still!

I dont really say anything because she doesn't do all day childcare. But we all know (including DD) that when she goes there she will be fed a tonne of "treats"

[quote YeahYesYup]@ivfbeenbusy I do appreciate that, I do pay my DM an amount we agreed on as I know she is doing me a huge favour, so I'm not expecting her to do it for free. But yes I do give her alot less money than I'd pay in nursery fees.
For the eldest I've said she buys him a large packet of crisps, chocolate bar and a full sugar coke/Pepsi daily. Or if they dont go to the shop she will have brought him something earlier in the day like a big chocolate cookie or often a pot noodle which she says is just a snack and is better for him than chocolate. I've said that it contains enough calories to be a meal though! Eldest DC is 11 years old, a little chubby and did have 2 fillings in baby teeth a while ago.
After these fillings I told DM he needed to restrict snacking on sugar so I provided yogurt and plain rice cakes/crackers for after school (he is fussy I am limited with healthy things he will eat for snacks) but presumed that would be better than chocolate. She followed my advice for a week maybe then back to square one.[/quote]
Make her go with you (or send her on her own) on their next dentist visit.

Let them read the riot act.

But if she won't listen and she's damaging their health then you have to stop it. How ever much it costs you.

If it gets to the stage that their weight/ health/teeth are being damaged, then I'm afraid it is down to the parents to rearrange their lives to either pay for childcare or change their work situation.

That may be a wake-up call for the GPs, but you cannot allow the children to be permanently 'damaged'

As a gran I buy treats for my grandchildren but they also have access to fruit, one's a bananaholic, and another decimated the apples. The one we have most is a fussy eater, he says most veg but doesn't like most meat or chips, I know weird child. His favourite pudding is either yogurt or malt loaf. It's a balancing act.

I look after dgs (18 months) whilst dd works. For food I tend to feed dgs a portion of what I cooked for dinner the day before or a portion of what I'm cooking for dinner that day. I let dd know what I'm feeding him so that she doesn't duplicate it when he gets home. For snacks he tends to have breadsticks, fruit, veg and cheese cubes.
I don't think to buy him food treats it just doesn't occur to me although I did once buy a chocolate lollipop and gave it to dd so she could decide whether he could have it.
When he comes with dd at the weekend, I'm just Granny then not caring for him, I tend to bake a cake and he and dd have a piece with a drink whilst they are here.

I would say it's a difficult one as perhaps your mum just doesn't have the same dietary/nutritional knowledge as you or perhaps just can't be arsed to cook proper meals as often as she has your kids, BUT I can't understand why she won't at least feed your little one a lunch that you've sent with her?

Has she given you any reason for that?

I feel your pain op.
My dc go to their grandparents twice a week after school for tea/child care and I have the same issue.
It’s tricky when they’re doing you a favour, plus mine do actually feed them good healthy meals but the sugary ‘treats’ are too abundant. She’s admitted ‘well that’s what grannys do!’ and I just know part of it is that she has a very sweet tooth herself and that it makes her feel better about herself!

In your case there’s no way I’d be allowing the coke, grab bag crisps and pot noodles though for an 11 year old! Every day for four days a week! That’s just terrible and setting him up for problems. If I were you I’d not hesitate to put a stop to that, no matter what you pay her.

Sorry but the 11 year old is old enough to take some responsibility and say no thanks when gran takes him to the shop. Stop putting all the blame on your mum, take time to educate the eldest and talk to him sensibly. Give him an incentive to start trying new foods & remove any junk out of the house. And if your mum really isn’t going to respect your wishes, then perhaps you need to rethink childcare.

What a load of rubbish ,, I never gave my children fizzy drinks or many sweets. I never give either to my grandson, you should just say no more treats to your DM regardless what childcare arrangements you have in place , it’s not what grand parents do

@Gooseybby

It's just what they do, and one day, you'll be doing it too

This is lies, complete lies. Not all grandparents feed their grandchildren fizzy drinks, sweets, crisps and chocolates. It's NOT just what they do. I've never given my grandsons anything that their parents wouldn't. Op, I think that as your mother is not listening, you either need to have a stern conversation or stop the childcare.