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AIBU?

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Original poster

Is this cheating?

60 replies

Lollipop412 · 03/12/2020 11:25

So I’m 36 weeks pregnant and I admit I’ve somewhat “neglected” my husband in the bedroom department. Due to a previous loss and anxiety we both agreed to wait until the baby is here. I’m fine with him watching porn, I know all men do it and he has needs etc. But yesterday I found out he’s been using snap chat. He promised me that he was just receiving pics of girls, not talking to them or sending pics back. It’s completely devastated me and I can’t even look at him. We have 2 little boys 5 and 3 and our baby girls arrival is just weeks away. I feel so betrayed and hurt at a time I already feel pretty rubbish about myself. Would you class this as cheating?

Also I know nothing about snap chat. Is what he’s saying likely to be true, or do you need to have some sort of interaction to be sent the pics?

OP posts:
hadesinahalfahell · 03/12/2020 11:26

You have to have them on your friends list. He's completely crossed a line.

LaceyBetty · 03/12/2020 11:28

I'm so sorry you are dealing with this. Whether you call it cheating or something else, there is no way, ever, that I would be ok with this. Really sorry.

TidyDancer · 03/12/2020 11:33

I'm not totally sure how Snapchat works tbh, is it that you subscribe to a 'celebrity' account and you get sent photos like on a mailing list? If so I wouldn't class this as cheating. If this person is interacting directly/privately with your DH then I wouldn't be happy about it.

hadesinahalfahell · 03/12/2020 11:35

Receiving pictures is different to looking at peoples 'stories' though.

babbaloushka · 03/12/2020 11:49

Snapchat needs you to be friends with people to send or receive pictures. I'm sorry OP, this is completely unacceptable for him to be doing.

PrincessNutNut · 03/12/2020 11:51

I would imagine that the interactive nature of it is what makes the difference and yes, while I don't object to my husband viewing prerecorded images, I would have a problem with this.

PizzaForOne · 03/12/2020 11:52

There are adult workers and bikini instagram model types on snapchat who will regularly post pics on their stories or send to all followers. Might just be doing that. As opposed to adding some random single woman for sexting. This would make sense with regards to how he says he doesn't chat to or send any pics to them, just looks at their pics.

A bit weird though when he could just use a standard site.

knittingaddict · 03/12/2020 11:52

To me it's cheating.

HermioneWeasley · 03/12/2020 11:52

“Has needs” FFS. You’re carrying his third child and he’s (at best) sexting other women. What a loser. I wouldn’t want him as a role model for my daughter

WishingHopingThinkingPraying · 03/12/2020 11:52

What a prick!

ForTheLoveOfCatFood · 03/12/2020 11:52

Nope not ok

Snapchat is very handy for messaging people as nothing saves anywhere so no trail ...

monkeysox · 03/12/2020 11:54

He's a bellend.

PurpleDaisies · 03/12/2020 11:55

Whether it’s technically cheating or not isn’t important. It’s totally unacceptable behaviour.

Simplyunacceptable · 03/12/2020 11:55

Absolutely not ok. Snapchat is a dodgy app IMO, it’s definitely a favourite with cheats. Porn is one thing but adding women as friends on an app and receiving naked pics is totally different. He’s majorly crossed a line.

Can’t believe some men just seem incapable of dealing without an ego massage for a few months.

BiblioX · 03/12/2020 11:55

Not all men watch porn btw. It doesn’t matter what anyone else considers cheating, what matters is what you do. Personally, I would split up over it. Do you feel cherished as you should? You are doing the most important thing, growing a child, he should be doing his utmost to make this time easy for you. So what if that means he doesn’t have sex for a while, he needs to grow up and behave respectfully!
I’m sorry you are dealing with this.

1stDecember · 03/12/2020 11:56

So sorry you're going through this OP. As others have said, it is completely unacceptable and I would be devastated.

I am sure he will be very defensive and come up with all sorts of "reasons" though Hmm

Yeahnahmum · 03/12/2020 11:57

Yuck!!! He crossed about 2862 lines there. That is vile.

cactusdog · 03/12/2020 12:03

God I'm so so sorry OP. You deserve so much better. I wish I could give you a hug this has really got me.
He should be supporting you at this token how utterly selfish.
I think it is cheating really. Why couldn't he just stick to porn!!?
I don't think I could get past it tbh, especially the 'when' he chose to do it, like at this stage of your lives xx

myhobbyisouting · 03/12/2020 12:27

All men don't watch porn. "Has needs" ugh, sexist prick.

knittingaddict · 03/12/2020 12:34

Yes, not all men watch porn. My husband doesn't.

3, 2, 1 - here comes the man to tell me that I'll wrong, that all men watch porn and my husband is lying to me.

thepeopleversuswork · 03/12/2020 12:38

So much wrong here I don't know where to start:

So I’m 36 weeks pregnant and I admit I’ve somewhat “neglected” my husband in the bedroom department

You haven't "neglected" him. You are heavily pregnant with his child. There is no obligation on you to "service" him and your perfectly reasonable decision not to is not an excuse for this behaviour.

I’m fine with him watching porn, I know all men do it and he has needs etc

Up to you if you're fine with it. Not convinced all men do it though I know a lot do.
But it has nothing to do with "need". It's want, not need.

And what he is doing goes beyond porn, and yes it is cheating.

With great respect to you as you are going through a lot, you sound as if you have very low self-respect and you need to grow a pair here.

I would think very seriously about whether you can raise children with a man who considers you as a wank vessel and who has no compunction about cheating on you when you are heavily pregnant. What is the point of him exactly?

Do you have anywhere to go?

WinterWhore · 03/12/2020 12:44

I havent any advice but I didn't want to read and run.

I would feel very hurt and betrayed, hes bang out of order. I'm sorry your going through this OP. Sending hugs Flowers

DivaRainbow · 03/12/2020 12:46

OP, I have snap chat myself and you have to add friends who then need to accept you before any interaction can happen. Your husband would need to either have these girls phone numbers or been given their snap name to add them, (There is a mutual friend bit called quick add aswel). There is a difference between viewing their story and sending messages. But if he allows you to have a look you can see if any interaction may be happening as if they snap alot there will be a heart or smile beside their name, Also if you go to send a snap you will be able to see his best friends (This are people he snaps alot).. I would definitely class what he has done as cheating. I hope your ok. x

BeyondsConstantBangingHeadache · 03/12/2020 12:54

Snapchat leaves no paper trail, so I'd be highly suspicious of someone choosing it as somewhere to "only receive"

And no, you aren't responsible for his "needs" (yes - wants, not needs), not all men use porn, and most people would consider private sexual messages to/from a type of cheating

Newkitchen123 · 03/12/2020 13:25

It makes you uncomfortable that's all that matters!