Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is this cheating?

60 replies

Lollipop412 · 03/12/2020 11:25

So I’m 36 weeks pregnant and I admit I’ve somewhat “neglected” my husband in the bedroom department. Due to a previous loss and anxiety we both agreed to wait until the baby is here. I’m fine with him watching porn, I know all men do it and he has needs etc. But yesterday I found out he’s been using snap chat. He promised me that he was just receiving pics of girls, not talking to them or sending pics back. It’s completely devastated me and I can’t even look at him. We have 2 little boys 5 and 3 and our baby girls arrival is just weeks away. I feel so betrayed and hurt at a time I already feel pretty rubbish about myself. Would you class this as cheating?

Also I know nothing about snap chat. Is what he’s saying likely to be true, or do you need to have some sort of interaction to be sent the pics?

OP posts:
OoohTheStatsDontLie · 03/12/2020 13:27

It doesnt matter if its cheating or not, it's a boundary that he has crossed and its upset you. Did he know that contact with anyone else was a boundary for you? I expect he can have guessed that it was, because it is for most people.

How would he feel if you said that you have needs that he wasnt fulfilling and you've been asking dave from the pub to send you dick pics but it's ok, because you didn't respond, you were never going to meet him, and it's all just a fantasy? Would he be fine with that? I doubt it. And if he says yes, I'd call his bluff and do it, sign up to snap chat and start befriending semi naked Male models

I am a bit concerned about your language though around this, that you've been neglecting him and he has needs etc all implies that you think sexual gratification is a right for men and women are there to help fulfill that. That's not a healthy mutually respectful relationship.

Where I would go from here would depend on his reaction, whether he understands your upset and acknowledges that he crossed a line or whether he is downplaying it all

Plmoknijb123 · 03/12/2020 13:29

You ‘have needs’ as well! Like the need to have a partner who is supportive of you and trustworthy!

thepeopleversuswork · 03/12/2020 13:36

@Plmoknijb123

You ‘have needs’ as well! Like the need to have a partner who is supportive of you and trustworthy!
This, with bells on.

He's done a proper number on you if he's got you thinking his "need" for a quick wank exceeds your need for the father of your child to respect and support you.

He doesn't deserve you OP.

BrimfulOfBaba · 03/12/2020 13:58

He's interacting with, and requesting, these pictures via direct interaction. Definitely cheating. Also, if these aren't women he knows personally, he is likely paying for the pictures. Roaring trade on snapchat for sending men sexy pics.

DryRoastPeanut · 03/12/2020 14:04

Totally unacceptable behaviour. A dealbreaker indeed! Not the role model I’d want for my children. But you sound like you’re willing to excuse him with your “has needs” attitude.
Your husband is a prick.

3inthefuckingmorning · 03/12/2020 14:06

Wanker

dontgobaconmyheart · 03/12/2020 14:53

He's pathetic OP and yes I would consider this unfaithful, as well as considering him pathetic and full of shit.

Your 'needs' are not less important than his. It makes me feel ill to hear women saying that not providing sex (that they do not want themselves) is 'neglecting' a mans ' needs'. We are not a second class of person put on this planet to sexually and domestically service men throughout their lives becauseof their entitlement, or be made to feel we will be replaced if we won't comply

He has wants, not needs. He's a prick OP and has demonstrated that your feelings, emotional happiness and self esteem are completely irrelevant and significantly down the pile to his own entitlement to sexual titillation when he wants it. Says it all about misogynistic men really. You deserve better than to be placed so astoundingly low in his estimations, when carrying his child of all things.

CorianderQueen · 03/12/2020 15:38

Yes that's cheating to me

WhoWhatWheree · 03/12/2020 15:41

Snapchat has two options, either a private friends list or subscribing to people. If he has added them to his private friends list, then he is having personal interaction with them. If he has subscribed, then he clicks onto their story which deletes within 24hrs and he most likely will not have personal interaction with them; although the option to private chat and reply to snaps is there. Either way, I think that is crossing the line

Pechanga · 03/12/2020 15:47

@WhoWhatWheree has explained it perfectly.

I would check his 'snapscore' on his Snapchat account to see if he has been sending Snapchat's. I'm not exactly sure how this works someone who knows more could help?

But as I understand it...if he claims to have only been subscribed to accounts and viewing their stories his snap score would not increase but if he is interacting and sending and receiving messages then the snap score would increase with each message.

JorisBonson · 03/12/2020 15:48

100% cheating. And I bet my life that it's not as "innocent" as he's making out.

oldshoeuk · 03/12/2020 16:21

I would rather he didn't, but I wouldn't blow it up too much. I'm sure this has been a great thrill and release of pressure for him, but it should maybe stop now.

I would be far more concerned if he had spent money on this or attempted to meet them in person. I doubt if he ever planned to see any of them, but it's a great way to lose money.

As for the rest it's just his fantasy world and a little relief, I wouldn't fuss.

thepeopleversuswork · 03/12/2020 16:28

oldshoeuk

“It’s just his fantasy world and a little relief”.

“It’s just fantasy” is the oldest part of the cheater’s script. It’s “just fantasy” until it ends up in him sending dick shots or moving on to a full blown affair.

If you tolerate that kind of thing in your relationship your bar is very low.

1stDecember · 03/12/2020 16:45

As for the rest it's just his fantasy world and a little relief, I wouldn't fuss

No it isn't, it's real women he's in communication with!

JumperooSue · 03/12/2020 16:52

What a dirty dog, you’re not obligated to have sex with him so I think you need to change your mindset in the respect of ‘have I driven him to this by not giving him sex’. No you absolutely haven’t, there’s a massive different between him watching a bit of porn and him satisfying his needs that way to him interacting with women on a social media platform. I really struggled with my body image when I was pregnant and something like this would really have caused some damage to my self esteem and relationship. I hope you’re okay

JorisBonson · 03/12/2020 16:54

@oldshoeuk

I would rather he didn't, but I wouldn't blow it up too much. I'm sure this has been a great thrill and release of pressure for him, but it should maybe stop now.

I would be far more concerned if he had spent money on this or attempted to meet them in person. I doubt if he ever planned to see any of them, but it's a great way to lose money.

As for the rest it's just his fantasy world and a little relief, I wouldn't fuss.

Are you from the 50s?
LaceyBetty · 03/12/2020 16:58

I know most posters wouldn't, but I'm in awe that anyone would accept this in a relationship. Love the post asking whether he'd be ok with your receiving dic pics from Dave down the pub - as if! Really sorry OP, this is not something you should need to deal with ever, let alone pregnant. I would be having a hard think about the future.

Hunnihun2 · 03/12/2020 17:03

Snapchat? How old is your husband OP?

It sounds like you were aware your husband had Snapchat.... honestly if he was that horny I think he should of discussed trying to be intimate with you again.

MrsShepherd · 03/12/2020 17:11

I believe Snapchat also has a paid-for function similar to OnlyFans which lots of people sell explicit content on. So it might not necessarily be a more intimate relationship with someone on there following their usual 'friends only' access model.

IMO, either way it's seedy and fairly pathetic. Sorry to hear you're going through this OP.

Hugosmugo · 03/12/2020 17:18

I would not be okay with this at all.

You're right that all (or most) men do watch porn. And that is something I wouldn't have an issue with. But this crosses the line..

I think there is a different type of Snapchat too and don't know the ins and outs. I only know as it was talked about on an episode of catfish.

LoveMyKidsAndCats · 03/12/2020 17:21

Sorry you've been cheated on OP. He obviously has no respect. Disgusting behaviour especially when you are carrying his child.

DrManhattan · 03/12/2020 17:24

Cheating

LoveMyKidsAndCats · 03/12/2020 17:26

People don't just send you continual random sex texts on snapchat he has obviously engaged with them. He would have had to add them as a friend anyway. They only people on mine are people I actually know, its linked to my facebook friends i think but maybe wrong. Then I can add the ones I want in my list. He would know the person OP he hasn't just found a randomer on snapchat. Isn't snapchat for teenagers 😳

LoveMyKidsAndCats · 03/12/2020 17:27

Snapchat has a secret messages bit where you have to put in a code to see the texts btw so check that

WhySoSensitive · 03/12/2020 17:34

Porn is very different and viewed as a service with no contact or interaction.
Snapchat is a direct connection and link to a person on the other side.
Even if he’s only receiving pictures and not sending, he must have asked or initiated in some way.