Living with in laws.

[Bijli]

Hello everyone. I come from a muslim asian family where girls are supposed to live with husband's parents after marriage. Our marriage was arranged and my husband is also my first cousin( we lived in different countries all our life but when i came to UK to study, he liked me, agreed to marry me upon his parent's wishes). We have 2 kids, one is 5 year old and one is 3 year old. I am really really struggling with living with my husband's parents, they are very opinionated, backward and with the mindset that DIL should do all the house chores. I cook, clean, look after my kids, tend to forever coming guests and the house is a tip again. MIL is 58 year old and FIL is 64 but they act like they are 80. I am supposed to do everything yet they make all the decisions in the house. My husband's sister comes to stay nearly every weekend, if she isn't coming to stay she drops in every couple of days just to have dinner because she works and after coming home she can't be bothered to cook and I have to cook every day because of my husband's parents, not to mention they are the fussiest people on earth. I have spoken to my husband about moving out but he is under pressure to be a good son, where if he moved out and left his parents alone, not only would the whole family turn against him but also emotionally blackmail him. I have voiced my concerns to him so many times that he thinks i am moaning when i talk to him about something. I don't have no privacy, no personal space, can't go out without having to explain myself to them that why and where i am going and why i took that long to come back because housework needed to be done in my absence!! It's not only affecting my mental health but also i am a forever tired and fed up mummy to my kids. It's neither fair on them nor do i deserve it!! My husband has a good job we could live comfortably on our own but due to cultural pressure he wouldn't move out ( our religion gives woman right that if husband has means and wife demands a house to live separate from in laws, it is husband's duty to provide the house and she doesn't have to look after husband's parents). It's such a shame unfortunately that there is so much cultural pressure and shame associated with this whole thing that if i raise my voice that i am struggling they would talk bad about me to whole family and make me an outcast as my dad's and my husband's family is practically the same as we are related. But i am not happy and i now want to do something about it. Does anyone here know what's the best way to get out of this tricky situation or if council would help you?

Would really appreciate some advice guys. I am at my breaking point😭😭😭😭!!

That sounds like a really difficult situation for you! Unfortunately you have some tough choices to make - your DH really needs to get on your side here otherwise your only alternative really is to leave. He should be backing you up but I suspect we'll do anything for a quiet life and doesn't want to upset his parents. It's good that he would have to provide a separate house for you and the kids and I think that's probably your best option - maybe if you start that process he will realise how serious you are about things. Ultimately though I think you have to decide whether you'd be happier in your current situation or away from it without your DH (I know which one I'd choose) and then be prepared to follow through.

Where do your parents stand on this? Would they talk to their sibling on your behalf? You sound like a housemaid rather than a daughter in law.

This to me sounds like slavery, but I'm worried about commenting because I'm not from that culture and maybe I just don't get it?! I hope someone from a similar background to you will respond, as surely this can't be acceptable.

I agree that sounds horrific. Having grown up in a culture where there’s a lot of pressure and parents often dictate their adult children’s lives, I can tell you it’s so freeing to finally be done with it and make your own decisions.

On your death bed you won’t be wishing that you had continued to obey your parents in law, you’ll either be glad that you owned your decisions and your mistakes were yours and your alone, or you’ll regret not living the one life you have according to your values.

Right now it might be hard for you to do something based on what’s best for you as you haven’t been taught that in your culture - I know as I’ve been there. So frame it around what’s best for your children - you are the only person they have who will protect them and is this how you want them to grow up? With a mother that’s run ragged without enough energy to give them the best of herself? Learning that the woman’s role is to obey and serve everyone like a slave? Learning that daddy makes all the decisions and must be tended to hand and foot. Right now they are young and love you but the trajectory of this is that in a few years they will have no respect for you (I was there and felt the same about my mother until I had children and knew better). Unfortunately her sons (my brothers) still treat her with disrespect and contempt that they wouldn’t dare show my father - but this is how they were taught family is.

Do it for them if you can’t do it for you. This is no way to live.

If you can’t get your husband on side then you’ll have to go it alone- I would insist on him buying a separate house for you and the children first and if he refuses, council housing is better than your current situation.

Do you work? A career would also give you something outside of family to focus on and help build your confidence up again.

What would your husband say if you asked him to do all the chores and childcare on one day every weekend to give you a break?

His answer will tell you all you need to know about whether his lack of support is due to a fear of upsetting his parents by not being a good son, or whether it’s due to his own ingrained misogyny.

If he refuses a request as reasonable as that it’s the latter - he does not care that you are tired and depressed because just like his parents he sees your role as a house slave not as his wife and equal. If he agrees then there’s hope that you can convince him to see things from your point of view over time, and to support you despite his fear of upsetting his parents.

What did mil do? Did she live with her inlaws until they passed or did she set up a home with her husband? If it is the latter then that gives you scope to form an argument. How about sil? Does she live with her inlaws or does she live alone or with her husband?
If they continue to take advantage and your husband won't see your point of view I would develop a back issue or physical illness that means you are unable to do all the work anymore.

I don’t have direct experience of this myself but do through friends and professionally. Unfortunately if you want to change things you will probably have to accept that your family and your DH family will not accept it and you May become an outcast. It also sounds like your DH won’t back you so if you leave it will be alone. I know ladies who have done it and are much happier and have no regrets but it is very very hard and you May need to move to a new area. Chances are your family will NOT back you so you will need to do it alone. There may be people in the community (women’s groups ) who can help but as you are not actually being abused it will be hard to access Council help or similar. Also be careful who you confide in, I know of cases where The Imam or GP have told the family that the woman is thinking of leaving
I really hope you can find a way out but I don’t think anyone should underestimate how difficult it is in these circumstances

If you are first cousins then one of your parents is a brother/sister to one of your in laws? That's bad.

I understand this culture only too well. I'm from a similar background. You have to be brave, ask your husband to move out with you and if he refuses you can present to your council as homeless and without him. You don't need to put up with this any more, how much of your life will you give up for these horrible people? You and your children deserve a life that is your own. 00 is right, this is a form of slavery that is normalized in many cultures. If you don't stand up for yourself and your children, who will?

@LenaBlack I thought this too, isn't it illegal

Hi OP, I'm so sorry for what you're going through, it sounds like a terrible situation for you and your children.

I'm not from your culture but I wonder if your parents and/or siblings can intervene for you, since you are related (as you say "my dad's and my husband's family is practically the same")? Especially where the option exists for your husband to provide a separate home for you, would your family support that move?

Otherwise as PPs have suggested perhaps there are women's groups locally that can support you. It certainly sounds like something has to give and you deserve to live a life you enjoy.

Can you get a job?

I'd be looking to get financially independent and move out.

first cousin marriage isn't illegal.

Oh gosh. Erm....the women I know in that situation have either had separate living quarters within the same house, or it hasn’t worked out. In the two instances I know where it didn’t work out it was the in-laws who made the decision, and they sold the house and bought two properties instead.

I’m guessing it’s not crazy uncommon. Do you know any other daughter-in-laws you could chat to? And get their advice? I just honestly can’t see how this situation could work very well- and I don’t think that’s just a cultural thing.

But if it was me I’d be getting a job. That seems like the easiest way out....

Unfortunately you may have to decide between your husband and your desire for an independent life. You need to decide which route to take.

Or instead of moving out, grow a pair, be clear about what is acceptable to you and what is not.
Set down some clear guidelines with your in laws and husband I.e. I am unhappy and this way of life is affecting my mental health. In future this is the way I intend to live. I will cook 2 days a week for everyone. The other days I will cook only for myself and my children. If we are going to eat together on those days someone else needs to cook. I will do xxxx cleaning duties. For the rest we will need to all take turns or employ a cleaner. I will be getting a part time job (if you don't already have one). Either you can agree to look after the children while I work or I will put them into childcare.

Is divorce a option? Because they are treating you like a slave, I don’t care if it’s a tradition they are and he’s allowing it. Leave and take your children with you to the council and get housing help. Do not put up with OP; tradition or not you are not their slave.

Also are you legally married?

I don't think the council will help in this situation.

I think you need a long hard talk with your husband. You need him to understand that his choices are he moves out with you or he stays behind and becomes a single man. But make it clear that you are no longer prepared to live in slavery to your in laws.

If he doesn’t want to come with you you need to present to your local council as homeless. You may well end up in a refuge for a while, not nice but better than your current situation.

Oh god that sounds absolutely 100 % horrendous.

Why do you want to be with this man? He is completely unsupportive of you and selfish. He is v U to expect you to live like this.

BUT ultimately you don't have to. You DO have a choice. You could leave him and divorce him. Make your own life with the children. Get a good solicitor and make sure you get a fair share of savings / assets.
Wouldn't you like somewhere on your own, you and the kids?

[quote 3inthefuckingmorning]@LenaBlack I thought this too, isn't it illegal [/quote]
Nope

I think you need to have it out with your PIL asap. Tell them you are not all living back in 1950s small remote village in Pakistan where this sort of thing went on and this is not the life you wish to live in UK - having to do endless domestic chores/cooking. You are not their unpaid cleaner and cook. It's more than very cheeky of MIL to say you are going out too long because there is work to do in the house - it's really abuse ! You're a sort of unpaid servant. Tell her to clean her own house. You should never have started any of this in the first place - now you must put your foot down!!

It is slavery. I can see why your husband won't move out he has everything. You need to be strong for yourself and your children. What do your parents say? Speak to the council about housing. Lots of support on here for you.

You have 2 little children. How can you focus on being the best mummy you can be to them in a house where you have no control and spend all your time slaving for your in laws? Are either of them girls? Do you want them to see this as their lot in life? If boys, that it is acceptable for them to treat their future partners like this?

This sounds so difficult, you need to get yourself out of this situation, break the cycle so your children don't end up trapped in the same situation one day.

Is there anyway you could get a part time job, start building a life for yourself outside the home?

Id be sitting the whole family down and telling them to you want your own home away from in laws abs that you wilL leave with or without DH.