Living with in laws.

[Bijli]

Hello everyone. I come from a muslim asian family where girls are supposed to live with husband's parents after marriage. Our marriage was arranged and my husband is also my first cousin( we lived in different countries all our life but when i came to UK to study, he liked me, agreed to marry me upon his parent's wishes). We have 2 kids, one is 5 year old and one is 3 year old. I am really really struggling with living with my husband's parents, they are very opinionated, backward and with the mindset that DIL should do all the house chores. I cook, clean, look after my kids, tend to forever coming guests and the house is a tip again. MIL is 58 year old and FIL is 64 but they act like they are 80. I am supposed to do everything yet they make all the decisions in the house. My husband's sister comes to stay nearly every weekend, if she isn't coming to stay she drops in every couple of days just to have dinner because she works and after coming home she can't be bothered to cook and I have to cook every day because of my husband's parents, not to mention they are the fussiest people on earth. I have spoken to my husband about moving out but he is under pressure to be a good son, where if he moved out and left his parents alone, not only would the whole family turn against him but also emotionally blackmail him. I have voiced my concerns to him so many times that he thinks i am moaning when i talk to him about something. I don't have no privacy, no personal space, can't go out without having to explain myself to them that why and where i am going and why i took that long to come back because housework needed to be done in my absence!! It's not only affecting my mental health but also i am a forever tired and fed up mummy to my kids. It's neither fair on them nor do i deserve it!! My husband has a good job we could live comfortably on our own but due to cultural pressure he wouldn't move out ( our religion gives woman right that if husband has means and wife demands a house to live separate from in laws, it is husband's duty to provide the house and she doesn't have to look after husband's parents). It's such a shame unfortunately that there is so much cultural pressure and shame associated with this whole thing that if i raise my voice that i am struggling they would talk bad about me to whole family and make me an outcast as my dad's and my husband's family is practically the same as we are related. But i am not happy and i now want to do something about it. Does anyone here know what's the best way to get out of this tricky situation or if council would help you?

I have no experience of a culture such as this. But I see it as controlling in the general sense of the word regardless of religion/culture.

As we have seen so often on here, it is not easy to extricate oneself from such situations.

You only have one life. Live it best you can for yourself and your children. Teach your kids to grow and be independent. Trite I know.

Would Women's Aid be able to help you I wonder? I doubt they discriminate re religions/cultures.

But most importantly OP, what do YOU want to do? What would be your best life tomorrow if you could achieve that?

Best of luck in your journey.

I think @Redolent gives the best advise. I don't come from this culture but my DH comes from a similar type family and my MIl behaves the same. We don't live with them but when she visits she treats me live a slave and it's demeaning. It is very engrained in the culture and they see nothing wrong with it. I think arguing against your culture won't work but rather use other aspects of your culture as suggested in your favour. Also I would try work/college to gain some independence. Good luck OP

OP if you were to leave would you be able to take your children with you or would your husband try to make you leave them behind?
Please take legal advice before doing anything.

It’s bad enough when my in-laws come to stay for a month and I’m the husband... nice people but extended hard work. Can you extend to give you more defined areas in the house or buy a place with a granny annex so that they are one step removed?

I can understand where you are coming from as I am from the same culture. I have never lived with my in laws but my sister in law has lived with my parents. In Pakistan they have the added advantage of house help and different parents in law behave differently. My mum always helped with everything including childcare when my sil went to work.
In your case, is it possible to get help with household chores if your husband can afford it. To help with your in law's possible resistance he should present it as his idea as he would like you to fiend more time with kids as they are at school age and need your input more. You can get cleaners, food cooked and delivered (lots of Asian ladies do that as a home based business), you can have laundry people come and take your clothes for ironing.
Also, you can request to join Soul Sisters group on Facebook for ladies from Pakistani origin living in uk.
Your husband has to understand that joint family system in Pakistan only works nicely when in laws treat their DIL as their own daughters and not as beasts of burden.
Wishing you all the best xx

OP you've got a problem, I know you have. This is nothing to do with religion, it's purely cultural, although some people (quite possibly your in laws) will tell you that it's your duty as a Muslim. That's because many, male of course, elders of the community will interpret verses in the Quran very, how can I put this, specifically! The woman must be meek, obedient, forgiving of anything her husband does, always put him first, and by extension his family. I read this:

Dear Madam! For the sake of your husband and for the sake of your own comfort as well as to find many good friends and supporters, put up with your husband's relatives. Do not be selfish and ignorant; be wise and do not cause your husband any distress. Be a good and devoted wife in order to be accepted by both Allah and the people.
Written by a man of course.

I've encountered this type of situation before, and you can't win without making a lot of personal sacrifice. Because whatever the Quran says, in that kind of blinkered, backwards looking environment, whatever you do you (with or without your DH) will be shunned and ostracised, not just by the immediate family, but the wider family and the community.

Because of the environment I worked in, many of the women who found themselves in the same situation did find the courage to say to hell with it. And they made a go of it and are much happier, even though they were cut off from any source of support (well, except me). Can you find someone who'll do the same for you? Because some of them didn't have the courage, and stayed, and are miserable shells of the people they could be.

From the ages of your DCs and his parents, you are still young. Nowhere does the Quran say that a DIL should be a slave. Please don't allow this to continue, don't live a life of misery. But truly, I know how much pain and suffering that bringing it to an end will cause you.

If my (somewhat lapsed) Christian thoughts and prayers mean anything to you, you have them.

I am near the age of OP's in laws, they could easily live another 30 years if she's unlucky.

Better to take her children and be ostracized but not a slave.

I hope OP speaks to her husband and his family but contacts Women's Aid.

She's being utterly abused by her husbands family.

Hi OP, I don't think this is the best place to get advice. there is a muslim mamas fb group you can join which is really good to get advice.

What i would advice is, speak to your husband and be direct and tell him you need to move out for your own mental health and wellbeing.

Yes, you will be ostracised, and they will hate you but they can't hate you forever.

If your husband does not agree then you are better off going homeless and to the council, because you can't live like this and it's not good for your children either.

You need to decide if you are willing to leave your husband and go through it on your own, I've seen many sisters who have had to resort to this method as their husbands are cowards. But at the end the husbands go back to their wives anyway. They were just too cowardly to take the first step.

You have my sympathy it sounds very depressing slaving for his family missing important moments with your DC.
I've no advice sorry.
I hope your DH agrees with you soon it is a living nightmare.

If you leave would you be expected to leave the DC behind.

Try the Asian Women's Resource Centre for advice. There are several of them dotted about. Also, get a book about women's rights in Islam and a husband's responsibility to his wife, and quote from it to your DH until it sinks in. Backed up by an ultimatum which you will have to stick to.

The process of making a change will be horrible, but the longer you leave it the more engrained certain expectations will become. As stressful as standing up for yourself will be, it will pass. As a PP said, your family won't hate you forever. And if you have younger sisters or cousins, your actions may well be paving the way for them to have different sorts of marriages.

I think the reason ILs 'age themselves' is because they had to work in their IL's homes and now they want a break. So the cycle is perpetuated.

@Bijli

Would really appreciate some advice guys. I am at my breaking point😭😭😭😭!!

I sympathise but have to say you knew this would happen ! This is what happens unless the Parents are more westernised and even then they will always back the son and think of his wife as something to give him children.

Can your parents intervene at all? Can you go back home if this horrible situation continues?

[quote 3inthefuckingmorning]@LenaBlack I thought this too, isn't it illegal [/quote]
No, it's not.

Tell your husband you are not happy, that you require all of you to move out into your own house. Your in laws and family won’t be happy at first, and yes they may try and make life harder for you, or talk about you behind your back. But they will come round eventually and get used it. Either that or you get stronger and put some boundaries in place, unless you feel that you are in danger, in which case you may need try and leave and seek refugee.

I will say also that your in laws behaviour towards you sounds like domestic abuse. Yes, there is cultural traditions at play, but even In these types of living situations It is not normal behaviour.

If this is of any help at all . Please don't think this is how Muslim people live .

I say that as a fellow Muslim woman with children .

The thought of enslaving someone else like this is abhorrent.

They have the option of paying someone to do their cooking and cleaning if they don't wish to do it themselves.

By all means if you want to be extra nice maybe visit them once a month or a couple weekends for the kids to play with their grandparents and have lunch but there is certainly no reason to live with them .

1. Get a job if you don't already have one .
2. Start looking at getting your own place even if it is small and rented .
3. You will have a happier, more dignified life and probably more time as a family with your children and husband

Good luck and remember you can't please everyone

@Wearywithteens OP doesn't say anything about her in-laws thinking they are following a religious interpretation. They'd be hard pressed to come up with one that would justify their treatment of her. Regardless of British law, my point still stands and may help the OP aside from any recourse to the law she may at some point wish to take.