Living with in laws.

[Bijli]

Hello everyone. I come from a muslim asian family where girls are supposed to live with husband's parents after marriage. Our marriage was arranged and my husband is also my first cousin( we lived in different countries all our life but when i came to UK to study, he liked me, agreed to marry me upon his parent's wishes). We have 2 kids, one is 5 year old and one is 3 year old. I am really really struggling with living with my husband's parents, they are very opinionated, backward and with the mindset that DIL should do all the house chores. I cook, clean, look after my kids, tend to forever coming guests and the house is a tip again. MIL is 58 year old and FIL is 64 but they act like they are 80. I am supposed to do everything yet they make all the decisions in the house. My husband's sister comes to stay nearly every weekend, if she isn't coming to stay she drops in every couple of days just to have dinner because she works and after coming home she can't be bothered to cook and I have to cook every day because of my husband's parents, not to mention they are the fussiest people on earth. I have spoken to my husband about moving out but he is under pressure to be a good son, where if he moved out and left his parents alone, not only would the whole family turn against him but also emotionally blackmail him. I have voiced my concerns to him so many times that he thinks i am moaning when i talk to him about something. I don't have no privacy, no personal space, can't go out without having to explain myself to them that why and where i am going and why i took that long to come back because housework needed to be done in my absence!! It's not only affecting my mental health but also i am a forever tired and fed up mummy to my kids. It's neither fair on them nor do i deserve it!! My husband has a good job we could live comfortably on our own but due to cultural pressure he wouldn't move out ( our religion gives woman right that if husband has means and wife demands a house to live separate from in laws, it is husband's duty to provide the house and she doesn't have to look after husband's parents). It's such a shame unfortunately that there is so much cultural pressure and shame associated with this whole thing that if i raise my voice that i am struggling they would talk bad about me to whole family and make me an outcast as my dad's and my husband's family is practically the same as we are related. But i am not happy and i now want to do something about it. Does anyone here know what's the best way to get out of this tricky situation or if council would help you?

Oh op I could not read and run, this sounds horrible. I agree with the others that this sounds like slavery! I am not from this culture so I can't pretend to even closely understand but it sounds awful and I really feel for you?
Were you happy to go ahead with the marriage? I can't believe in this day and age that arranged marriages are still happening. (But fully admit that being from a different culture probably clouds my judgement) but it just seems so backwards.
I'm really sorry OP and truly hope you can get out of there soon and live an independent life. Why should a woman have specific roles? Why can't women choose how to live their lives? Women are no less than men.

Re. tradition of marrying cousins and blood relatives - if your family has a history of this - please do not have more children as they are likely to have genetic health problems which may cause them life long health problems and suffering.

I'm also shocked at the first cousin thing, but I do know of someone IRL who married a first cousin.
The thought of marrying my cousin repulses me but that is because we practically grew up together so he is like my brother 😆 but I believe it is legal

Well I'll say it as I couldn't care less who it offends.

That's bullshit, you're basically a slave and if that's their 'culture' then it's a shit one.

Sounds like they get a great deal.

OP, this is appalling. If your husband won’t support you and move out, you really have to leave him. Do you want to waste your life being treated like crap like this?

if that's their 'culture' then it's a shit one.

Exactly. There are plenty of cultural practices that don’t deserve respect.

But if that is the cultural practice, we can all sit here saying that it's slavery and she needs to leave or get a job (or both)

But how easy is that in reality?

Her family and his is the same. What are the chances of any support there?

And the odds of her in-laws taking any notice of her 'demanding' time off is laughable.

OP are there any organisations within your culture that you can contact for help?

So your husband married a family slave. You.
Your husband isn't the slave, he married you without being in love with you, so he's hardly going to put himself out.

It sounds horrendous and whatever "culture" it is. It sounds just an excuse for women to be treated appallingly.

Your choices are stark.

Stand up to his family and refuse to contine in this way.
The could clearly care less about you.
You are the house skivvy.

Or, you call Women's Aid and seek help to leave the family.

Unfortunately those are your choices.
You are being abused by his family and your mental health is understandably suffering.

I also think that you could walk into a police station and ask for help.

The fact that they control you leaving the house is deeply fxxked up.

The only way to change this situation is for you to put yourself first.
Take your children with you to the station with you.
Bring passports and bank account details with you.

Birth defects are the reason first cousins marrying is frowned upon.

It sounds so awful OP.
So sorry.

It sounds a very difficult situation for you. Are you happy within your marriage despite all these problems.

I have only seen on various TV documentaries, how things can be for a woman in your situation, in your particular culture.Traditions and honour, are the mainstays always. I hope you will be able to get some freedom at some point.by discussing things with your Husband though,but it will be difficult I know.

Hi I couldn't read and not reply. This is my culture and I understand 100% what you've written, experienced it myself in doses of 'visits' and see it take place to this day.

You should first of all work on your husband, he will no doubt be too weak to make any changes. But what does he do to help with chores? Does he ever give you a break?get him involved.he will no doubt have been pandered to growing up, well hes going to have to now or is everything expected to be delivered on a silver platter to him, honestly! Previous posters have given good ideas of having set days of cooking for everyone and feign illness - say it like it is -you are exhausted from doing everything!!!

Work on your independence, get a job, get back into study. You need that for your own identity and you should always be able to stand on your two feet.

I could say a lot more but I will stop here. I hope it works out for you. I dont think you should leave but with a bit of asserting yourself, I hope you can make a positive change.

I agree feigning illness and saying some chores need to be shared because of your condition is a good first step. Can your husband pay for a cleaner? Being seen as the difficult daughter in law is better than working like a horse as you do. Get free childcare the minute you can access it. Don't have any more children under any circumstances. Once you have childcare, get a part time job. You don't need your husbands permission to work. Keep working on your husband to move out. If that doesn't happen consider leaving once child care and job are in place. Hopefully once he sees the writing on the wall your husband will choose you over his parents. Be prepared for him choosing his parents though. Crossing my fingers for you.

Your MIL is a year older than me.

I would be ashamed to treat another woman in such a way.

Did you finish studying-can you get back to it if not?

These traditions disgust me tbh.

I would be asking your DH to get a job far enough away that you have to relocate that way you escape the "family shame".

Leave. Move back to your parents or any brothers or sisters you have temporarily? If no real options consider contacting a women's refuge. Then work on getting your own place. Give DH the option of joining you or staying with his parents.

Actually thinking about it. The only women I know who’ve managed to successfully live like this. Tend to be ill a lot, whenever you ask they’ve taken to their bed for something or other.

Ex MIL was lauded for being so brave and having so many kids, when she had crippling eczema and couldn’t possibly do any housework or cleaning whatsoever. I may sound bitchy but she had nothing wrong with her hands. Was a good excuse tho. She kept popping out kids and the girls would do all the work when old enough and they were replaced with daughters in law.

You do need your husband on side, but if he won’t listen then you need to try women’s aid and go from there.

I wouldn’t try to leave or boycott housework or anything right now unless you are financially able. But if you have no income or access to money then quietly plan and get help. Then leave.

Your daughters will be subject to the same crap as you if you remain.

This is one of the biggest problems of our Asian culture and people within the community act as if a religious law has been broken
Is your husband the only son or the youngest op? Only ask as if he's the eldest son then there is hope as I'm sure you know.
Can't give you any advice as to how to end this dilemma for you but I'll gaurantee you that to gain some freedom and happiness will mean either a breakup of your marriage or a huge rift amongst the elders. Its not as easy as just saying move out because your husband is conditioned to look after his parents into old age AKA his wife being treated like the maid.
I've no solution and I'm so sorry you are in this situation

Very hard, OP, and not fair. You deserve better.

Would you be happy in your marriage if you did not live with your in Laws?

You were here studying - did you ever use this study to start your career?

If you would be happy with your DH, you need to talk to him about this.

if not, then you need to leave. Him, and the In-laws.

Are these of any help?
www.mwnhelpline.co.uk/
www.mwnuk.co.uk/Helpline_181_c.php

Op, you need to be harder work than them.
Passive aggressive, slamming dishes, huffing and puffing, develop migraines.
When your sis in law comes round ask if her in laws (presuming she has any) mind her not being home.

Then lie in a darkened room and phone your mother I’m law and ask her to bring you water/tablets/food.
Feign vomiting with the migraines.
You are going to have to manipulate this and them to your advantage.
Get a job, get some independence, get shift work if you can.
This is a game.
And don’t be scared of being the black sheep.
Make them so
Uncomfortable they actively encourage you to get your own house.

I couldn’t live like this. I think you need to sit them all down and explain that, while you respect their views, you just can’t and will not meet their expectations on such an uneven basis anymore. Decide if you can live there. If not, it becomes a question of whether or not you leave your husband. If you think it’s salvageable, insist on a rota for chores, insist on a reasonable say in what happens in the house.

This is the 21st century. You are nobody’s skivvy.

Have reported Bailey. How unpleasant.

"Husband, I am moving out of your parents house, are you coming or are we getting divorced?"

I think the council will help you.

Try calling Karma Nirvana who specialise in these issues

I’ve got personal experience with a situation like this. It’s incredibly difficult and very regressive. Asian sons are frequently mollycoddled when young, and then all those acts of ‘sacrifice’ for them are used to pressure them to conform to the parents’ wishes when they get older. Highly manipulative.

Also sympathise with ILs in their 50s and early 60s but acting like they’re on their deathbed. Deliberately ageing themselves...it’s bizarre behaviour.

My first piece of advice to you is to find a respected imam or religious figure (whose word your husband would take) to speak to him about his duty towards you re: providing you with your own accommodation. Hammer in the idea that he has a responsibility to honour his wife as well his parents and that the demands of the latter cannot threaten this. He has to be to the one to serve his parents, not use his wife to do it. They are not your parents, whatever cultural status they may give themselves. Get mutual contacts to speak to him. A religious guilt trip.

I’m not saying the other advice you’ve been given won’t work, but sometimes this method - fight cultural values with religious authority - is the only thing that will give him the genuine conviction to stand up to his parents.

If this won’t work you need to seriously think about an exit. It’s no way to live and will only get worse.