Co-parenting and smacking

[user1471598758]

Ex recently smacked 4 yo as a form of discipline (and for what sounds like a perfectly normal misdemeanor for a tired child in Reception).
Have tried to have a conservation with him about how strongly opposed to smacking i am, to which he laughed and said his child and his choice too.
I’m devastated. Not my children have both expressed fear as they’ve been told it will happen again if they misbehave at all.
Can I withhold contact over this? Where would I stand and what would you do?

My eldest is 25 and I’ve never smacked any of my kids.

This would be a really big issue for me.

I'd find this an impossible situation, especially him laughing at effectively having assaulted your child. Do you have any sort of intermediary who could liaise with both of you. I'd be curious to know what happens if the children don't want to go to him.

You would be unreasonable to withhold contact as it's not illegal unless you are in scotland. You could try mediation but ultimately he will parent how he wants to and if this involves smacking then that's his parental choice. I do want to add I completely disagree with smacking and find it pointless form of discipline

I completely agree with you OP, but even social services won't say smacking isn't allowed (in England) unless it leaves a mark. The sooner it's criminalised like it is in Scotland, the better. You can't legally hit an adult, you shouldn't be able to hit a vulnerable child in your care.

In England he is legally allowed to hit his child. But I agree with you. It's just abuse of a minor as far as I'm concerned. He hits the kid because the kid cant do anything about it, he wouldn't hit a man would he because he'll get one back.

I would spell out to him the first time your dc says they don't want to see their df you will keep them home.. He can convince a judge he has got better parenting methods than you..

It’s illegal in Scotland, for a bloody good reason.

Firstly keep evidence of all conversations/ txts/ emails on this subject. Try to get him to put it in a txt or email. It may be “legal” but I doubt it would look good for him in court.

Get your solicitor to write to him setting out your serious concerns about his physical abuse of your children, and your fears for their physical and emotional safety as a result.
Make it clear you will stop contact if you feel the children are not safe and he can take you to court to demand his right to hit them. Let’s see how keen he is to do that!

I'd send someone bigger and stronger round to him and see how he likes it. Cunt.

YABU as you are both the parents and have as much right as each other. Though I disagree with smacking it should have been discussed to begin with.

Thinking of the child I wouldn't cut contact of their parent because of a smack.
my dad smacked us, mom never did but if I wasn't allowed to see my dad because he smacked me because I was naughty then it could easily twist in a child's mind that its their fault they can't see daddy anymore.
I would tread very carefully.

you also don't want dad to carry on smacking because he doesn't want to change his behaviour to suit the ex.

My dm would say that my siblings and I were smacked as kids and we turned out alright. But she once threatened one of my kids with a snack and I lost it like never before. Make of that what you will. (She wasn’t a bad parent overall and we generally get along well).

Smacking is awful. As a pp said how can it be illegal to hit another adult but absolutely fine to hit a defenceless child? I would not hesitate to withdraw contact. He hit a four year old and the kids, quite rightly in my opinion, no longer feel safe with him. You are their mother, you should have the right to protect them.

*a smack obviously.

@missyB1

Firstly keep evidence of all conversations/ txts/ emails on this subject. Try to get him to put it in a txt or email. It may be “legal” but I doubt it would look good for him in court.

Get your solicitor to write to him setting out your serious concerns about his physical abuse of your children, and your fears for their physical and emotional safety as a result.
Make it clear you will stop contact if you feel the children are not safe and he can take you to court to demand his right to hit them. Let’s see how keen he is to do that!

This is a brilliant post. You should do this, OP.

OP id speak to a solicitor on this one. It would be good to have an idea of what a court would be likely to order.

How awful for him to hit a child who was tired and just behaving like it. I really disageee with smacking as a form of punishment, but if they’d almost run in front of a car and he’d done it in a moment of fear it’s a bit different to doing it as a routine punishment and threatening to do it again!

I also agree with what missyB1 says

@Igotthemheavyboobs

I'd send someone bigger and stronger round to him and see how he likes it. Cunt.

Quite x

Thankfully it's illegal here in Ireland.

@LuaDipa

My dm would say that my siblings and I were smacked as kids and we turned out alright. But she once threatened one of my kids with a snack and I lost it like never before. Make of that what you will. (She wasn’t a bad parent overall and we generally get along well).

Smacking is awful. As a pp said how can it be illegal to hit another adult but absolutely fine to hit a defenceless child? I would not hesitate to withdraw contact. He hit a four year old and the kids, quite rightly in my opinion, no longer feel safe with him. You are their mother, you should have the right to protect them.

Yeah that's the bit I can't get my head around, how people can justify hitting a little child but it's awful for a grown adult to hit someone their own size, how does that logic make any sense what so ever?

I don't smack or yell. They are both forms of intimidation.

^^
You are right about the yelling Harry Elephante but I still do shout occasionally because I’m human and do lose my temper. Mind you I sometimes shout at adults I guess! Not often of course.

My just pre teen dd will refuse to go to her Dad’s if he’s been shouting at her though.

I would again say there’s a difference between a reactive “oh my god!” or “stop!”, and a shouted rant designed to intimidate.

Tell him that your child is now get scared of him, and is that really what he wants. Tell him you’d also like him to apologise for his loss of control against a defenceless child.

Unless in Scotland, it's a perfectly legal method of disciplining.

As coparents, you don't have to worry about agree with how he parents and likewise him not with you.

You'd be unreasonable to withhold contact for his choice of disciplining method, in the same way he would if he found out you didn't discipline!

You have many years ahead of you, when you will both have different viewpoints and need to get your head around this.
. Fwiw, I know noone who was smacked as a child who has issues as a consequence.

I would instantly stop contact and report him - but smacking is illegal where I live. I assume you're in England where the law is yet to catch up?

As long as it's not really hard and it's not a regular occurrence, I wouldn't think much of it. I never understand the argument of 'you wouldn't do it to an adult, would you?' because there's lots of things I wouldn't do to an adult that I would do to a child - put them in a time out, for example, or ground them. Although this whole 'you wouldn't hit an adult' thing is silly, because so many people do actually hit other adults who have wronged them (and while that is illegal, I think sometimes those adults deserved it)