Co-parenting and smacking

[user1471598758]

Ex recently smacked 4 yo as a form of discipline (and for what sounds like a perfectly normal misdemeanor for a tired child in Reception).
Have tried to have a conservation with him about how strongly opposed to smacking i am, to which he laughed and said his child and his choice too.
I’m devastated. Not my children have both expressed fear as they’ve been told it will happen again if they misbehave at all.
Can I withhold contact over this? Where would I stand and what would you do?

I think the naughty step is fine, and I think making a child feel a sense of shame at poor behaviour is fine. Not ashamed of who they are, but ashamed of hurting someone, or being selfish, or unkind, or making life harder for people by being a persistent nuisance. It’s very dramatic to call this ‘shaming them’. It’s just a reasonable punishment to get them to consider and avoid that behaviour in future.

But does real life equal hitting your kids vinyl? I don't think it needs to.

@VeniceQueen2004

But does real life equal hitting your kids vinyl? I don't think it needs to.

No, I’ve already said quite clearly I never hit mine. I did a lot of shouting in the teenage years though.

@MailMay 'These are my boundaries, don't cross them'
'Why not?'
'Because it's wrong, makes people feel bad etc...'
Ok, so what if they still do it? You just talk to them again? You don't have boundaries if your kids can cross them without any come-back....yes! That’s exactly what you do.

I take it from your comments that you have children who have only ever needed to be told something once? Of course boundaries get crossed, that’s how children learn but you can’t say there are no boundaries if a child repeats the behaviour because I will guarantee that all those children who are hit etc will still repeat things.

How is it so unfathomable that children will behave because they’re expected to?

Exactly. If hitting 'worked' any better you'd only have to do it once. At least talking works past the point they can lamp you back.

This would be so much easier to call if smacking was banned in England as it is in Scotland.

In England you can smack and Social Services won’t be interested unless you’re leaving bruises or using an implement.

Most of us don’t like smacking (I never smacked mine), but until the law changes (the government said it had no plans to change the law in England after the Scottish government decided to go it alone on this) I think there’s probably little that you can do about it. No offence is being committed. The fact that it’s bloody cruel and you disagree with it doesn’t change that, yet.

Plus tbh I just could never hit my child. Maybe all the rest is just a massive justification for the basic fact I literally couldn't do it without feeling physically sick.

It could be worse. In America it’s legal for teachers to beat small children with what is basically a cricket bat.

amp.cnn.com/cnn/2016/04/16/us/georgia-school-paddle-video/index.html

i don't think there is much you can do about this, except maybe urge the children to be extra well-behaved when with their father.
also your ex is probably laughing at the notion that you can tell him what he can / cannot do with the children when they are with him; rather than laughing gleefully at the prospect of smacking them. he resents you trying to behave as if your parenting rights trump his. so i would not stir it up if i were you.

You've been given some good advice here OP. Anyone who hits a child is scum. I just can't imagine why an adult would think it's ok to inflict physical pain on a child, their own child. I've never hit mine and they've had their moments I can assure you.

The sooner it is made illegal in England the better.

@WouldstrokeTomHardy

I agree! The trend is towards banning the practice. Let’s hope it’s soon.

How is it so unfathomable that children will behave because they’re expected to?

Because not all of them will. The only things that prevents a lot of adults from commiting crimes are the fact that it's illegal and you will lose some kind of privilege, for some kids it is the same.

This makes me so sad, I can’t abide any sort of violence against children. I’d do whatever you can to make sure he doesn’t do it again. I’d withhold contact tbf

Could you see a solicitor and get an injunction against him hitting the kids or try and fight contact based on this? I know hitting kids isn't illegal but maybe the court would agree it's not in their best interests?

We're really lagging behind not having made it illegal in England yet. I don't imagine the people in favour of smacking are the brightest to be honest. Probably easier for them to assault a small child with their hands than engage their brain.