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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be hurt and want some female support

92 replies

Cleo4leo · 02/12/2020 07:00

I've been seeing a man for several months and the last few weeks it's been mainly the phone as we are not allowed to do much.

Everything was going really well between us. He said to me just two days ago it's taken him all his life to find me and he just knows I'm the one. He said that's it for him now. He knows what he wants. There's lots of details but it would take me all day.

Last night I asked him why he didn't like Christmas. It's our first Christmas that we've known eachother. He told me it was a long story for when we next meet up. So I said ok and that it was his choice whether to tell me. He then went funny with me. Said it felt like a very strange convo we were having. So I said I didn't know why he felt that way and i was just asking a normal question. He went for a bath and stuff then messaged me to ask if I was ok. I said I was but wanted to know why I had made him so I comfortable. Then he sent me one last message saying he didn't know what to say and be was really sorry if he had upset me. He put kisses on the end. Then he completely disappeared. I tried to call him half an hour later and he didn't answer. I thought maybe he was asleep.

I've not been able to sleep all night. But what's hurt the most is he's been on Facebook this morning and not opened my message from last night.

So I don't know now if we are over? But my mind's telling me actions speak louder than words and he's being rude and flaky?

This is completely out of character and it's honestly put me off him. But I find it so hard to switch off. I get anxious when things are like this. I've not sent him anymore stuff. I've left him alone so I don't look like a crazy pest. But how do I get through today.

We've been so close since June. Any advice.

Please me kind to me.

OP posts:
relievedlady · 02/12/2020 07:04

Mmm. Odd op but don't fall
Into a trap of feeing like youve upset him and pander to it.

But of a red flag for me that is.

I'd step back a minute and wait.

Original poster
Cleo4leo · 02/12/2020 07:05

He's been ln Facebook again ten minutes ago. Do you think I should completely leave it or message him and say im hurt by his reactions?

OP posts:
pilates · 02/12/2020 07:05

You sound quite intense. Chill out. He sent you a text goodnight why did you feel the need to phone him?

PirateCatQueen · 02/12/2020 07:06

On the one hand it could be it reminds him of something really awful, like a sibling died in a car crash on Xmas Day when he was little.

On the other hand, the strong declarations so early and the blowing hot and cold would be warning signs for me of a love bomb/withdraw type dynamic.

That said, it’s been an intense year for everyone. But proceed with caution.

willien · 02/12/2020 07:08

You wouldn't be questioning the behaviour of someone who was behaving normally. Trust your gut, if it doesn't feel good it isn't good. Red flag for me

Shoxfordian · 02/12/2020 07:09

He texted you to say goodnight. Maybe he had a really traumatic Christmas like not getting the action man he wanted, who knows?! Put your phone down and distract yourself, don't message him and take a step back

relievedlady · 02/12/2020 07:12

Op is stop checking if he's online for a start.

He's either oblivious that your feeling abit weird or he knows and that's how he rolls. Hmm

Proceed with caution op

2me2u2u2me · 02/12/2020 07:15

Oh I bloody hate The start of dating, we turn into a bunny boilers and we really don’t want to. I don’t think you’ve done anything wrong, he’s maybe waiting for a reasonable time to message you. I really would not be messaging and saying him you are hurt by his reactions , I’d leave him alone and if you don’t hear from him in a couple of hours maybe just say good morning, be bright and breezy and not mention anything, but bear in mind that he’s acted in a rude way, which isn’t great and watch out for it

Original poster
Cleo4leo · 02/12/2020 07:18

I'm not intense as he had said things felt weird. I was calling to speak about it as adults. Messages are awful for actual issues.

I will give him until lunch time then it will be over. I have children and I do not have the energy to feel this way.

He does have problems so it is red flags for me.

Thank you. I'll just try keep busy today. Somehow.

OP posts:
AccidentallyOnPurpose · 02/12/2020 07:21

You sound very intense. All this over analysing, not being able to sleep and somehow deducing you might be over when nothing really happened.

Original poster
Cleo4leo · 02/12/2020 07:22

I definitely know. He's always messaging me by 6.30am to say goodmorning.

This is 100% out of character. He's avoiding me. Last night has made him react this way.

I definitely can't stick around knowing this is how he will go sometimes. It's just horrible. It's not because I want constant contact. I want to wrap something up and then move on. Not leave it awkward.

I just hate this feeling I've not had it for years.

To think we were considering a future together after Christmas. I just think this is a huge warning that he's not going to be stable for me.

OP posts:
Jjop · 02/12/2020 07:24

He could have really upsetting memories that he is unwilling to share. My husband gets very upset at Christmas as his mother died when he was young in quite traumatic circumstances. He never talks about it, doesn’t want to talk about it and hates being forced to talk about it. Relax and seee what happens.

Idontgiveagriffindamn · 02/12/2020 07:24

I’m sorry but you sound like massively hard work. Give him a bit of space. He said you’d made him uncomfortable and would explain in person but you asked again.
And ‘stalking’ him on messenger / Facebook is not good.

Original poster
Cleo4leo · 02/12/2020 07:25

I'm not intense. He's gone from telling me I'm his world and he's going to spend the rest of his life making me happy. To ignoring me after an awkward conversation about Christmas.

I was going to change my whole life to be with him properly. This has massively put me off. He starts work at 8am. I know he's up. he knows I tried to call him. He has not opened my message.

Am I not allowed to be upset by his sudden change in behaviour. I know him better than you. Ofcourse I struggled to sleep. Because I know he was upset last night and choose to go silent.

OP posts:
Original poster
Cleo4leo · 02/12/2020 07:27

Hardly. I said it was fine when he said he'd talk to me about it when we met.

I am not going to reply anymore on here because I'm being accused of being intense and hard work.

I'm sure you don't give a hoot when you suddenly get ignored by someone who has promised you everything. Wouldn't make you doubt anything.

OP posts:
WitchesSpelleas · 02/12/2020 07:27

I would leave it for a few hours and see if he replies to you.

Idontgiveagriffindamn · 02/12/2020 07:27

Posted the first message before seeing your updates.
You’re freaking out as he hasn’t contacted you for less than 12 hours and the majority of that time he’s been asleep. And he texted you good night. There are red flags but from what you’ve said they’re coming from you.

AccidentallyOnPurpose · 02/12/2020 07:28

He might be a flake or not as invested as you. In fact it's very likely.

It's also possible that something traumatic or embarrassing happened to him at Christmas that he doesn't feel comfortable to share over text or phone, but continuing the conversation would just be weird if he won't tell you until it's face to face.

Took me two years to find out why OH really didn't like Christmas.

wirldsgonemad · 02/12/2020 07:29

@Idontgiveagriffindamn

Posted the first message before seeing your updates. You’re freaking out as he hasn’t contacted you for less than 12 hours and the majority of that time he’s been asleep. And he texted you good night. There are red flags but from what you’ve said they’re coming from you.
I agree with this, you're definitely coming across like a bunny boiler
MyGazeboisLeaking · 02/12/2020 07:29

OP, this could actually be a blessing.

When you have children, 'changing your life' so you can be with someone you've only known for a few months - and in COVID-restricted circumstances - is probably not wise.

This blip has caused you to re-think / slow down / question, which will be a good thing in the end.

midnightstar66 · 02/12/2020 07:30

Yes I'd leave it. You didn't really need to bring it up again when he text to ask if you were ok. It was a simple enough thing for him to say I'll tell you when I see you and I'd have left it there and moves on. It's kind of been made a bigger deal of than it's ever needed to be. You definitely didn't need to call and speak about it. That is all a bit intense. It's not been long and it's early if he's still ignoring you later at a more reasonable hour then be more alarmed but it's 7.30am. As said proceed with caution over the ghosting but it's only a bit of a red flag with these circumstances not a big glaring one IMO where I'd say end it now

SoupDragon · 02/12/2020 07:32

So I said ok and that it was his choice whether to tell me.

TBH, this sounds like you were being huffy that he wouldn't tell you there and then. Obviously that might not be how you intended it but that is how it comes across in a text.

Sirzy · 02/12/2020 07:32

You seem to be unable to think of things from his POV. It sounds like you have accidentally pulled up a tough memory for him. You then made it about you and dragged the subject up again.

People are allowed to struggle with things, they are allowed to need time to process things. You seem to be punishing him for reacting in a normal way.

Monty27 · 02/12/2020 07:33

He's had a better offer possibly and can't bring himself to tell you?
Hope not

MoonahStone · 02/12/2020 07:33

Why do you think you aren't intense OP? What you've posted here does make it sound like you are behaving that way but of course that may not be the full picture.