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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be hurt and want some female support

92 replies

Cleo4leo · 02/12/2020 07:00

I've been seeing a man for several months and the last few weeks it's been mainly the phone as we are not allowed to do much.

Everything was going really well between us. He said to me just two days ago it's taken him all his life to find me and he just knows I'm the one. He said that's it for him now. He knows what he wants. There's lots of details but it would take me all day.

Last night I asked him why he didn't like Christmas. It's our first Christmas that we've known eachother. He told me it was a long story for when we next meet up. So I said ok and that it was his choice whether to tell me. He then went funny with me. Said it felt like a very strange convo we were having. So I said I didn't know why he felt that way and i was just asking a normal question. He went for a bath and stuff then messaged me to ask if I was ok. I said I was but wanted to know why I had made him so I comfortable. Then he sent me one last message saying he didn't know what to say and be was really sorry if he had upset me. He put kisses on the end. Then he completely disappeared. I tried to call him half an hour later and he didn't answer. I thought maybe he was asleep.

I've not been able to sleep all night. But what's hurt the most is he's been on Facebook this morning and not opened my message from last night.

So I don't know now if we are over? But my mind's telling me actions speak louder than words and he's being rude and flaky?

This is completely out of character and it's honestly put me off him. But I find it so hard to switch off. I get anxious when things are like this. I've not sent him anymore stuff. I've left him alone so I don't look like a crazy pest. But how do I get through today.

We've been so close since June. Any advice.

Please me kind to me.

OP posts:

liveitwell · 02/12/2020 07:36

Wow. OP chill. He's checked you were ok last night. Now he wants some time to think our get ready for work etc. That's ok, he's entitled to time.

You sound controlling and very intense.

Rubi87 · 02/12/2020 07:36

I understand your frustration OP as I hate this kind of behaviour too. He may well have had some traumatic event around Christmas but even if he isn’t ready to tell you about it the adult thing to do it just be up front and say that. I wouldn’t respond personally and leave him to message you when he is ready. Like another poster has said proceed with caution

sapnupuas · 02/12/2020 07:38

I don't think you sound intense; you sound hurt and confused.

Don't message him again. Give him time. And be mindful of repeat behaviour because it could turn into a pattern of how he treats you.

Sirzy · 02/12/2020 07:38

@Rubi87

He did let her know he wasn’t ready to talk about it. He said it was something that needed to be explained face to face so that should have been the end of it.

midnightstar66 · 02/12/2020 07:39

He may well have had some traumatic event around Christmas but even if he isn’t ready to tell you about it the adult thing to do it just be up front and say that

He did say that though then op posted what sounded like a passive aggressive comment - even if she didn't mean it that's how it sounded, then continued to push and even try to call and discuss it after he was likely asleep.

PirateCatQueen · 02/12/2020 07:40

Maybe look into avoidant and anxious attachment styles.

CodenameVillanelle · 02/12/2020 07:40

I was going to change my whole life to be with him properly

You've got kids right? This is really worrying. Why were you thinking of changing your whole life for him?
I agree that you should probably end it, he may or may not be having cold feet (by the way, wanting space from a partner who has made you feel a bit weird and pressured for 12 hours isn't a bad thing to do or want) but you say he has problems, you've got kids and you're way too intense about it all. It's weird for a man to be saying you're his whole world etc after only a few months. Flames that burn fast and hot burn out very quickly. Be wary.

Cheeseboardandmincepies · 02/12/2020 07:40

You sound way to much. Back off and give him a bit of space OP.

AlwaysLatte · 02/12/2020 07:41

I would be thinking there might be another woman and he doesn't know how he's going to manage Christmas so shutting down the topic :-(

BrummyMum1 · 02/12/2020 07:42

I will give him until lunch time then it will be over.

He could be dealing with a difficult or traumatic memory but he’s not allowed even half a day’s space to process it. Wow.

GCAcademic · 02/12/2020 07:43

@MyGazeboisLeaking

OP, this could actually be a blessing.

When you have children, 'changing your life' so you can be with someone you've only known for a few months - and in COVID-restricted circumstances - is probably not wise.

This blip has caused you to re-think / slow down / question, which will be a good thing in the end.

That's exactly what I was going to say. Madness to rush into things so quickly when there are children involved.

Idontgiveagriffindamn · 02/12/2020 07:44

Some of these responses - man hasn’t talked to woman in 12 hours = there just be another woman

SoupDragon · 02/12/2020 07:44

I am not going to reply anymore on here because I'm being accused of being intense and hard work.

🙄

Bugoluu · 02/12/2020 07:44

I agree you sound intense but it's easy to fall into that all or nothing kind of catagory

If you have only been seeing each other for a couple of months and it's mostly via phone, I dont think its unusual that there are some things people dont like talking about over the phone. We also all have boundaries, and thoughts/feelings/memories that we dont always want to share with others.

He clearly doesnt like christmas for a reason which he would rather speak about face to face and I wonder if was trying to change the subject when he asked if you were ok.

If your messages read like they do on here then its possible he thinks that you are annoyed with him, or forcing him to discuss things that arent comfortable

KatherineJaneway · 02/12/2020 07:51

I'm not intense

That's how you are coming across. Giving no leeway when he has told you Christmas is an issue for him and not thinking maybe it has reared painful memories for him.

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 02/12/2020 07:53

Trust your gut, it’s not worth it

relievedlady · 02/12/2020 07:55

I don't think you sound intense op.
I think your doing and feeling what he expected and if he texts every morning but hasn't this morning after last night and ignoring your call Hel know you will be fretting

To others saying leave it etc and he's not done anything I say go with your gut.
I started a relationship with someone once who would do that to me if we were about to have a conversation he didn't want.
It's their way of grooming you to keep quiet.

Massive red flags for me and I've been there.

If he's fine and no issue like others say why no text this morning when that's what he does everyday?
And why not answering your call?

All deliberate.

You say he has issues that you know of?

If the relationship is worth it to you my thought would be lay your cards in the table and tell him this sort of blanking is childish and if it's a way he deals with things when he doesn't want to talk then it's not going to work for you.

No body has the right to make you feel nervous and anxious about a situation.

cuppateabiscuits · 02/12/2020 08:00

You're been seeing him for a few months and your about to change your life? That is intense
Let the guy process his thoughts and feelings or issues
If I was him I would be leaving it as well.
I would accept he has issues and deal with something needing said in person.
Months would be taking it slowly and your learning how he ticks now.

borntohula · 02/12/2020 08:02

@AlwaysLatte

I would be thinking there might be another woman and he doesn't know how he's going to manage Christmas so shutting down the topic :-(

😂😂😂

Always at least one.

borntohula · 02/12/2020 08:02

OP, you've actually met him, right?

NotagainMrs · 02/12/2020 08:04

Your other thread explains everything.

Ironingontheceiling · 02/12/2020 08:06

You really do sound needy and intense.

Chill. It’s a few months with lockdown. You shouldn’t be planning to change your life for him at this stage.

JorisBonson · 02/12/2020 08:08

@Idontgiveagriffindamn

Posted the first message before seeing your updates. You’re freaking out as he hasn’t contacted you for less than 12 hours and the majority of that time he’s been asleep. And he texted you good night. There are red flags but from what you’ve said they’re coming from you.

This.

Ironingontheceiling · 02/12/2020 08:09

Ok I read the other thread.

I wouldn’t be planning any kind of a future with this man and I’d walk away. If and when he’s clean and sober and has been for a long time (not a few months,, years and years) I’d get involved with someone who had been an addict far in the past. Someone who is recently an active addict who had a dramatic hospital admission 4 or 5 months ago? Not a chance.

Sorry.

LawnFever · 02/12/2020 08:10

Wow, chill out OP - you’re being really melodramatic here, he openly said he’d rather speak in person about whatever his issue is with Christmas and you should respect that.

It could be anything, a family death or accident around that time of year that he doesn’t feel comfortable talking about on the phone - he’s perfectly entitled to decide when to talk about that.

You sound really hard work, if I was in his position I’d be backing off from you from your reaction here, he’s done nothing wrong in my opinion but based on your behaviour maybe you’re not well suited because you’re coming across as very insensitive and demanding.

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