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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be hurt and want some female support

92 replies

Cleo4leo · 02/12/2020 07:00

I've been seeing a man for several months and the last few weeks it's been mainly the phone as we are not allowed to do much.

Everything was going really well between us. He said to me just two days ago it's taken him all his life to find me and he just knows I'm the one. He said that's it for him now. He knows what he wants. There's lots of details but it would take me all day.

Last night I asked him why he didn't like Christmas. It's our first Christmas that we've known eachother. He told me it was a long story for when we next meet up. So I said ok and that it was his choice whether to tell me. He then went funny with me. Said it felt like a very strange convo we were having. So I said I didn't know why he felt that way and i was just asking a normal question. He went for a bath and stuff then messaged me to ask if I was ok. I said I was but wanted to know why I had made him so I comfortable. Then he sent me one last message saying he didn't know what to say and be was really sorry if he had upset me. He put kisses on the end. Then he completely disappeared. I tried to call him half an hour later and he didn't answer. I thought maybe he was asleep.

I've not been able to sleep all night. But what's hurt the most is he's been on Facebook this morning and not opened my message from last night.

So I don't know now if we are over? But my mind's telling me actions speak louder than words and he's being rude and flaky?

This is completely out of character and it's honestly put me off him. But I find it so hard to switch off. I get anxious when things are like this. I've not sent him anymore stuff. I've left him alone so I don't look like a crazy pest. But how do I get through today.

We've been so close since June. Any advice.

Please me kind to me.

OP posts:

JorisBonson · 02/12/2020 08:11

I've just read the other thread too. So you've been seeing him 5 months, which according to your other post was straight after a (very sad) suicide attempt and drug abuse?

The man has a billion things going on, leave him alone.

dontdisturbmenow · 02/12/2020 08:12

He's got secrets. They might not be horrible but enough to make you see him in a different light. He is anxious deciding what to tell you and when.

He needs a bit of time to get his head around it. I won't give up on him, it's much too premature just because one morning he isn't making contact but maybe take a bit if a step back.

sapnupuas · 02/12/2020 08:15

Oh god. Your other thread. Changes everything.

This man isn't right for you. I think you're always going to worry and walk on eggshells around him because he's fragile and not fully recovered.

You've not even slept together yet. It's too much too soon.

gannett · 02/12/2020 08:19

Monitoring whether someone's online and has read your messages is crazy and intense, sorry. It's perfectly normal to be online but not have time to respond to messages.

Repeatedly going on about a subject he specifically said he didn't want to talk about (and making it all about you) is also intense and weird.

You probably have made him uncomfortable but he's trying to close the subject because he doesn't want to make it a THING. You on the other hand seem determined to make it a THING.

VeniceQueen2004 · 02/12/2020 08:24

You've been with him for several months, yet he's going to 'give you everything', you are going to 'change your whole life to be with him', and after one slightly weird exchange by messenger and a few hours of silence, 'it's all over'? And you're stalking him constantly on social media?

And you have kids. God help them.

Seriously, I know you don't want to hear it, but you BOTH sound excessively intense, and hard work. I hope to God you haven't already introduced him to your kids. But I bet you have.

VeniceQueen2004 · 02/12/2020 08:29

Oh my GOD just read your other post.

Why on EARTH would you want to get someone like this involved in your kids' lives?

He has long term chronic physical and mental health issues. He already has children from a previous relationship (complicated in terms of blending your families). He has form for substance abuse.

Honestly, really, you can't see anything wrong with dumping all that unnecessary stress into your children's lives? Because you 'luuuuurve him'?

Seriously I don't understand some people.

autumncolourlover · 02/12/2020 08:30

You dared to question him on something and he's putting you in your place so you never do it again. He's love bombed you and been over the top prior to this. Huge red flags. Consider it a lucky escape. Block him and concentrate on having a lovely Christmas with your dc. He's not worth your angst

autumncolourlover · 02/12/2020 08:32

Oh. Just read the updates from others. Run like the wind OP and raise your bar.

queenMab99 · 02/12/2020 08:34

He isn't stable, he has had recent drug and mental health probelems, it can take months or even years to recover from drug abuse, and longer for mental health to stabilise. This is typical behaviour in my experience, carried away with a new relationship, then a slump in mood. He needs to get himself sorted and happy on his own before embarking on new relationships.
I am the mother of a 46 year old with similar problems.

OfTheNight · 02/12/2020 08:38

It seems like a really full on situation. No one can give you a definitive answer on his behaviour or what it means. But really, a few months in, things should be fun and light. Not planning to change your life and future.

I’d just stop checking on him. Just have some time and really think.

SoupDragon · 02/12/2020 08:41

You dared to question him on something and he's putting you in your place so you never do it again.

That isn't what happened. He said he would tell her when they met up and she gave a reply that sounded snarky and passive aggressive.

Waveysnail · 02/12/2020 08:46

So I said ok and that it was his choice whether to tell me

This could come across as being a bit huffy by text.

Groovinpeanut · 02/12/2020 08:54

You've known each other since June, through a pandemic? Have been mostly conducting your relationship over the phone?
You raise Christmas and him not liking it. He tells you it's a long story that he'll tell you when he next sees you?

In response to that you get the huff, and tried to call him, when he was about to go to bed.

This is way, way to intense. If you've got a vibe that something is off, then end it.
You've got kids. You shouldn't change your entire life for him. Especially so quickly.

luckylavender · 02/12/2020 08:57

OP, just back off. It's suffocating.

Dipi79 · 02/12/2020 09:00

OP, you may not feel that you are 'intense', but more than one of us has suggested you are coming across as being so.
Give him some space. If you are that invested in someone in such a short space of time, you can afford more than a few hours leeway?!

choli · 02/12/2020 09:01

For God's sake grow up.

UsernameChat · 02/12/2020 09:01

I genuinely don't mean to minimise your concerns, but this sounds like a lot of fuss (on both sides) over absolutely nothing. You asked him why he didn't like Christmas. So what? You're right, this a reasonable, normal question to ask. However, perhaps he doesn't like it because someone died or a terrible thing happened one Christmas, which may be why he inferred more meaning to your question than you meant.

Give him space, try to forget about it and let him reach out to you when he's ready.

Winter2020 · 02/12/2020 09:12

“He said to me just two days ago it's taken him all his life to find me and he just knows I'm the one. He said that's it for him now. He knows what he wants. There's lots of details but it would take me all day.”

Why the drama? It’s drama when it’s going well.... it’s drama when it’s going badly (and yes I have read your other thread). You are not a footloose teenager that can ride the roller coaster of a dramatic relationship for the thrills and spills. You have children depending on you for their stability and a happy home.

I hope to god your “change your life for him” comment doesn’t involve uprooting your kids from their schools and support networks to move to a new area and be with this man.

Date ...you know meet now and then for a meal, a drink, get to know each other, build a (stable) history, and then in a few years if this has proven a stable and happy relationship you might even begin to think about “changing you life”. For gods sake please get a grip for your kids sakes.

BoudiccaD · 02/12/2020 09:17

Even if something traumatic happened, he's a grown man presumably in his 30's/40's/50's so he should be able to cope with the mention of Christmas by now.

He sounds rude and like he could be a bit of a gas lighter or emotional abuser. He sounds love bomby too.

PegasusReturns · 02/12/2020 09:24

He’s a recovering addict at the very start of the process and you are needy and intense. It’s a really bad combination.

SoupDragon · 02/12/2020 09:29

Even if something traumatic happened, he's a grown man presumably in his 30's/40's/50's so he should be able to cope with the mention of Christmas by now.

Well, that rather depends on what and when doesn't it?

thepeopleversuswork · 02/12/2020 09:35

I think you have to decouple two issues:

his behaviour as you've described it sounds totally normal and you are over-reacting. He sent you a good night text etc and has done nothing out of the ordinary.

But, if he's a recovering addict and you sound quite vulnerable and insecure, this is a bad combination. If you need constant reassurance and total reliability from someone, a recovering addict is probably not a good bet.

I think if you're going to continue on in this relationship you will have to chill out a bit and accept that its very early days. If you have children I certainly wouldn't be planning to upend their lives to accomodate this man. You'll need to be a lot further down the road and with more evidence of his commitment and reliability before you even start having these conversations.

pinkyredrose · 02/12/2020 09:43

I will give him until lunch time then it will be over and I was going to change my whole life to be with him properly

Seriously? Dramatic much? You've been seeing him 8 months, most of those in lockdown, you’ve got kids and you're coming out with stuff like that? You're not 15 ffs.

pinkyredrose · 02/12/2020 09:44

*6 months not 8. Even worse

WhereamI88 · 02/12/2020 09:59

OP, this is a toxic relationship. It doesn't even matter whose fault it is or what the reasons are. The bottom line is it has made you start two MN threads so you obviously know there is something wrong. This relationship is making you feel shit. That is a good enough reason to end it. Life is too short.

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