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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To feel really fed up about this

52 replies

Lucyloo333 · 01/12/2020 21:58

Name changed
I have a wonderful DD who is 18 months. Before I went back to work recently, it was arranged that my mum would help look after her one day a week. She goes to nursery 4 days a week and fortunately really loves it. My job doesn't offer part time so I have no choice but to rely on others for childcare.
my mum used to look after my neice 3 times a week each week for almost 2 years. This stopped due to covid and now she's in school.
My mum has just gone back to work after 6 years. She inherited a lot of money (not quite a million but not far off)and has basically spent it all. She cant afford not to work now.
I hate feeling this way but I'm feeling really resentful that my DD doesn't get time with her granny and also i don't get the luxury of a bit of help financially, as now my mum can't help with my DD at all.Her hours are too sproadic and she can't commit.
My mum initially said she would help out as much as she could but I was conscious that toddlers are exhausting and didn't want to ask too much, hence just needing the one day a week.
I feel so sad this evening about it all.DP's family live 5 hours away too, and they rarely ask about dd.
I think the sadness I mostly feel is the relationship my DD is missing out on. I never had grandparents growing up and I really wanted her to feel love from more than me and dp.
I have friends with babies similar ages and they have family offering childcare and making a fuss all of the time.
I don't live very near my mum, so 'popping' in with DD isn't practical.
sorry if I'm rambling, I don't have a particularly large family and I'm feeling a mixture of resentment and sadness.

OP posts:

formerbabe · 01/12/2020 22:01

I'm confused.

Are you saying you're upset she's only doing one day a week or do you mean she was going to do one day and is now not going to?

Original poster

Lucyloo333 · 01/12/2020 22:02

I'm Sorry. Yes was meant to be doing one and now can't help at all.

OP posts:

Screwcorona · 01/12/2020 22:05

I wasnt looked after by grandparents often, but I love and loved them very much. I had a great relationship with them all.
Just make sure to see them for quality time on some of your days off or get them to come over for dinner etc

Twigletfairy · 01/12/2020 22:07

I think this is the problem with relying on family for childcare. Circumstances change and promises get broken.

Doesn't mean your child won't have a good relationship with grandparents though. We've never had any help from either set of grandparents and they don't make a lot of effort but we still maintain a good relationship

formerbabe · 01/12/2020 22:07

Well I can see why you're annoyed definitely but it sounds like its bad timing as she is now having to work. Unfair but not deliberate. Hopefully your mum and dc can still have a close relationship...at least she was initially willing to help.

Original poster

Lucyloo333 · 01/12/2020 22:07

@Screwcorona that's good. One issue is that my mum never comes over. I think she relies on me coming to her (she didn't visit once during my maternity). So the onus is on me. Her new job means she works weekends too which is when I'm off. So basically half terms are going to be the only chances I'll get to pop over now.

OP posts:

Original poster

Lucyloo333 · 01/12/2020 22:09

Yeh I am grateful she was willing to help. She hasn't really mentioned the fact that she can't help anymore, but she's let us down for 5 weeks in a row. She must feel awkward about it all. I suppose I'm relieved that I didn't rely too much on her. I'm just feeling a little down about it.

OP posts:

Krazynights34 · 01/12/2020 22:11

OP - I don’t want to say what about people who have it worse... but.. I will.
I have a seriously disabled DD (fully mentally aware but numerous serious issues - cannot swallow safely/can’t eat/can’t walk/can’t lift her arms up/can’t grip... you get the idea).
I have never had a minute away from her where she was being cared for by anyone other than when she’s in nursery. During lockdown I’ve had to stand freezing outside so she can go to nursery for a couple of hours a couple of days a week.
Sure, it’d be nice if your mother could look after her. But she can’t.
It could be worse.

Leaannb · 01/12/2020 22:11

You are being completely ridiculous....Your child can jave a great relationship with her Grandmother without Grandmother providing free childcare.
Why in the world do you think you are entitled to financial help from anyone...Cheeky. Extremely cheeky

Frazzledme · 01/12/2020 22:14

Are you annoyed about the relationship or the free childcare? Sorry if that sounds harsh. We're too far from parents to ever have childcare, we've had to pay for it or work evenings/weekends to make ends meet. My kids adore my mum, all their grandparents work and they can spend their time and money on what they like. When we are together we have a lot of fun, it's not a chore.

I used to see lots of grandparents taking kids to playgroups etc. They always looked knackered and a bit miserable. It's really, really hard work at that age. Ok as a one off but every week for years, that's a huge commitment.

Original poster

Lucyloo333 · 01/12/2020 22:15

@Krazynights34 I know it could be worse. I've not once said I have it worse than anyone else. I'm feeling a little down and don't really have anyone to talk to about it.
@Leaannb I'm definitely not entitled or cheeky. Nice try.

OP posts:

Original poster

Lucyloo333 · 01/12/2020 22:17

The relationship more than anything but I silly part of me does feel resentment that my brother had a lot of support.
my niece is very close to my mum and I know a huge part of that is because of the time they have spent together.I feel sad my DD will miss out on special time.

OP posts:

LaurieFairyCake · 01/12/2020 22:17

What the hell has she spent a million quid on without bunging you some to help towards nursery fees

Original poster

Lucyloo333 · 01/12/2020 22:22

@LaurieFairyCake I wouldn't expect financial help with nursery fees. She and my dad built a house and also had some fun years. Which I'm happy they did. They're now both working and exhausting themselves. They have very little quality of life now and are literally watching the pennies. I've had to lend them quite a lot of money over the past 2 years. She won't ask my brother for money even though he earns much more than me.
Ideally they would sell the house and make a good profit on it, then buy a slightly smaller house and have a better quality of life /time with the grandkids. But it's up to them.

OP posts:

LaurieFairyCake · 01/12/2020 22:25

It's hardly up to them if you've been giving them money

You needed that money for nursery fees

boomshakey · 01/12/2020 22:25

Why in the world do you think you are entitled to financial help from anyone...Cheeky. Extremely cheeky

Is it really cheeky to think if your mum inherited almost 1m they might help out a bit financially? Certainly if I came into that money I would help my parents & siblings.

I see where you are coming from OP, my mother & inlaws are very hands on & take the dc for 1 afternoon/day a week & help during the holidays when they often stay over. I think it's really nice for the children to have a relationship with the gps & I don't think it's quite the same when you can only meet up for dinner.

Original poster

Lucyloo333 · 01/12/2020 22:27

@LaurieFairyCake I'll get it back eventually. It's never been about the money but obviously it would be good to have that little bit of flexibility. Espexially because my brother didn't have to pay any childcare. I suppose this is where the resentment comes from. They're in an entirely avoidable financial mess which has contributed to my DD not spending time with them.

OP posts:

Original poster

Lucyloo333 · 01/12/2020 22:28

Thanks @boomshakey that sounds like a nice set up. When I visit DD is often tired /hungry etc and it feels rushed. Also because I'm there she often just wants me to play with. I thought them having time without me would strengthen the relationship

OP posts:

formerbabe · 01/12/2020 22:29

Reading your updates no wonder you're annoyed!

HeddaGarbled · 01/12/2020 22:34

I think this is a bit of a modern trend to expect grandparents to provide childcare, and to assume that’s how the relationship between grandchild and grandparent is formed. All my grandparents lived at the other end of the country to us when I was a child, but I still had loving relationships with them. When my two were little, their grandparents did babysit occasionally but didn’t do childcare to enable me to work (I used a childminder), and again, they have close relationships.

I understand that you are disappointed, but you can make this work OK. It might actually be a better arrangement to be able to meet purely for the pleasure of each other’s company, rather than out of obligation.

HeddaGarbled · 01/12/2020 22:36

Oh, and don’t lend them any more money.

islockdownoveryet · 01/12/2020 22:37

@Krazynights34

OP - I don’t want to say what about people who have it worse... but.. I will. I have a seriously disabled DD (fully mentally aware but numerous serious issues - cannot swallow safely/can’t eat/can’t walk/can’t lift her arms up/can’t grip... you get the idea). I have never had a minute away from her where she was being cared for by anyone other than when she’s in nursery. During lockdown I’ve had to stand freezing outside so she can go to nursery for a couple of hours a couple of days a week. Sure, it’d be nice if your mother could look after her. But she can’t. It could be worse.

Sorry but totally uncalled for . You are right always someone worse off but if that's the case then can only people start threads that are absolutely terrible. I also have a disabled dc and it's hard so I sympathise I really do but I think that's uncalled for to basically say that because you don't have much help then the op shouldn't complain . Op I find mumsnet extremely odd that to suggest asking family to help with childcare is unreasonable but it in the real world it's not . You are not unreasonable to be annoyed after it was agree but unfortunately with family as much as it's convenient it can be unreliable.

AlwaysCheddar · 01/12/2020 22:38

Stop giving them money ffs

FarquarKumquatsmama · 01/12/2020 22:40

Omg please don’t give them any more money! Did you offer to or did they ask?

I think with family, you should keep your lives separate and if they give you help/support etc then see it as an unexpected bonus.

Sad really. In some cultures family all help out.

Original poster

Lucyloo333 · 01/12/2020 22:41

@HeddaGarbled thank you. Yes you could he right there. We will have to find a routine somewhere of ensuring they get time together. I didn't really expect it but it was offered on the basis that she helped my brother out. Just felt a bit disappointing when it had to stop. I've stopped lending, I've lent them money my whole life but I'm enabling some irresponsible spending I think.
@Krazynights34 thank you. That comment did feel bit uncalled for.

OP posts:

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