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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To feel really fed up about this

52 replies

Lucyloo333 · 01/12/2020 21:58

Name changed
I have a wonderful DD who is 18 months. Before I went back to work recently, it was arranged that my mum would help look after her one day a week. She goes to nursery 4 days a week and fortunately really loves it. My job doesn't offer part time so I have no choice but to rely on others for childcare.
my mum used to look after my neice 3 times a week each week for almost 2 years. This stopped due to covid and now she's in school.
My mum has just gone back to work after 6 years. She inherited a lot of money (not quite a million but not far off)and has basically spent it all. She cant afford not to work now.
I hate feeling this way but I'm feeling really resentful that my DD doesn't get time with her granny and also i don't get the luxury of a bit of help financially, as now my mum can't help with my DD at all.Her hours are too sproadic and she can't commit.
My mum initially said she would help out as much as she could but I was conscious that toddlers are exhausting and didn't want to ask too much, hence just needing the one day a week.
I feel so sad this evening about it all.DP's family live 5 hours away too, and they rarely ask about dd.
I think the sadness I mostly feel is the relationship my DD is missing out on. I never had grandparents growing up and I really wanted her to feel love from more than me and dp.
I have friends with babies similar ages and they have family offering childcare and making a fuss all of the time.
I don't live very near my mum, so 'popping' in with DD isn't practical.
sorry if I'm rambling, I don't have a particularly large family and I'm feeling a mixture of resentment and sadness.

OP posts:

Pikachubaby · 01/12/2020 22:42

Things change...

That’s life.

Your mum’s situation has changed

I think you are self indulging your sadness a bit here

Missthedog · 01/12/2020 22:42

Hi OP. Nothing useful to add, but wanted to say I'm with you on this. Me and dh brought ours up with next to no help with anything/ babysitting/ childcare. Sometimes it's scary and you see others who have so much family support, especially when things go wrong and you need to call on someone, but you get through it. All the best x

Leaannb · 01/12/2020 22:44

[quote Lucyloo333]@Krazynights34 I know it could be worse. I've not once said I have it worse than anyone else. I'm feeling a little down and don't really have anyone to talk to about it.
@Leaannb I'm definitely not entitled or cheeky. Nice try.[/quote]
Being disappointed because of not having free childcare and financial support makes you cheeky. What on earth made you think that you would be benefiting from your mother's inheritance?

boomshakey · 01/12/2020 22:44

My parents are immigrants & I grew up with only 1 gp still alive. She lived abroad but we visited a few times a year & stayed with her & she would come and stay with us. I did have a really good relationship with her as we still did have lots of alone time so frequency may not be so important. However I know my parents & I would have liked more time together with her.

I think this is a bit of a modern trend to expect grandparents to provide childcare, and to assume that’s how the relationship between grandchild and grandparent is formed.

Imo it's a very English thing for gps to be less involved. Quite normal in my & many others cultures for gps to help with childcare.

Leaannb · 01/12/2020 22:45

@LaurieFairyCake

What the hell has she spent a million quid on without bunging you some to help towards nursery fees

Why is it any of OP's business? Its her money not OPs....

boomshakey · 01/12/2020 22:46

What on earth made you think that you would be benefiting from your mother's inheritance?

Really? I presume the inheritance wasn't from a stranger but a family member, because you know families help each other.

Original poster

Lucyloo333 · 01/12/2020 22:47

@Leaannb eh? You need to read my posts again. Go and troll someone else

@Missthedog thank you. It's reassuring to know I'm not alone.

@Pikachubaby probably, just feeling down tonight. I'm normally pragmatic

OP posts:

SummerWhisper · 01/12/2020 22:47

There are several issues: one is childcare and that broken promise is a disappointment; the next is your bailout of your parents to your detriment whilst your brother's wealth remains untouched; then there is possibly the golden child and scapegoat situation, which is why you, as the scapegoat, are always treated unfairly compared with the golden child. They gave him free childcare, you have none. They borrowed from you, not him and despite the arrival of your child, they have made no moves to pay you back. You must feel very badly done to and rightly so. They sound like a pair of selfish cunts, to put it bluntly, living it up instead of looking out for their children, refusing to limit their lives at the expense of yours and your daughter's. What horrible parents you have, I'm so sorry

MiddlesexGirl · 01/12/2020 22:48

Many dc don't have much if any relationship with their gps. It's not the end of the world. You are enough. And if you have friends and they have playmates from nursery there really is nothing to be sad about.

Original poster

Lucyloo333 · 01/12/2020 22:48

@boomshakey that's really reassuring thank you

OP posts:

Fairyliz · 01/12/2020 22:55

Blimey I can’t get past the fact they inherited £1 million and didn’t give you any!
When my mum died she left me £20k and I gave my two adult children £5k each. All of my friends who have inherited have done exactly the same.
Surely families help each other out?

Singlenotsingle · 01/12/2020 23:08

I'd love to have that sort of money. The first people to benefit would be my son and ddil. Your DM does sound rather selfish. She doesn't give you any, she spends it all and ends up in financial difficulties, borrows money from you and can't help out with the dgc because she can't afford not to work! And yes it's normal for grandparents to help out with childcare if they're fit enough. I pick mine up from school at least once a week, usually twice, and have my dgs to sleep over, and sometimes have them all over for dinner. That's what families are for!

11smo11 · 01/12/2020 23:41

@boomshakey

I think this is a bit of a modern trend to expect grandparents to provide childcare, and to assume that’s how the relationship between grandchild and grandparent is formed.

Imo it's a very English thing for gps to be less involved. Quite normal in my & many others cultures for gps to help with childcare.

Same @boomshakey, in my cultures (2 mixed backgrounds) it’s quite normal for gps to be involved too. In fact, sometimes it can be seen as a bit of a snub if they’re not or at least asked!

I understand why you might be feeling upset about it op, especially as your brother got plenty of help and you’re seeing the relationship your mum has with his dc. But, it’s not the only way your dc and your mum have to connect and they may well share a closeness and bond in other ways down the line.

Groovinpeanut · 01/12/2020 23:57

Years ago families were closer. The extended family meant that things like childcare, help in the home, pooling financially. and pension age being lower families helped out.
Now it's tough.
I never had family support. I used to have to work around the kids.
I can understand you feeling a bit peeved OP... You were told childcare would be provided, and then cancelled. Your parents borrowing money off you is a bit naughty. Especially when they had money and squandered it.
It's alright leading a fun life, if you can afford to. It's a bit silly to blow cash, and then have to work hard on later life.

They've done things the wrong way round really haven't they?

Original poster

Lucyloo333 · 02/12/2020 06:15

Yes I feel they have done things the wrong way around but it's their money and up to them ultimately. It's frustrating to watch and horrible to see them so exhausted.
I feel pretty alone with DD, it would be lovely to have the physical support but I need to accept its not going to happen right now. I so wish they'd sell their house. Its far bigger than what they need (they upsized) and it has financially crippled them. Life is short and while they have their health they should be enjoying life.

OP posts:

boomshakey · 02/12/2020 07:46

@11smo11 the problem most of mr friends & I have are gps that are too invested & tell us how to parent! 😆

11smo11 · 02/12/2020 08:04

@boomshakey yeah, same! 😂😅

OoohTheStatsDontLie · 02/12/2020 08:24

What does she say if you invite her to yours? Why do you think she doesnt want to come?

No advice but I can understand why you're frustrated, to be honest if my parents had blown a million and then needed to borrow money off me I'd be pissed off, even without the childcare. And it's odd she has let you down 5 weeks in a row but not apologised at all, that would piss me off.

But for some reassurance I lived a 4 hour journey from my grandparents when I was young and I was so close to them, my grandma worked in a school so we used to see them in the holidays and go and stay with them etc

My parents are an hour away and have never done regular childcare, however my mum makes sure she sees my kids once every two weeks and when one of them got to 3 years old had them overnight or for couple of nights occasionally (maybe once or twice a year). My kids love her more than they love me, they want us to go and live near her, if she is around they want her to put them to bed and sit next to her at dinner etc.

So physical distance doesnt need to be a barrier, if she is willing to put the effort in

dontdisturbmenow · 02/12/2020 08:37

That's life, circumstances change, you should be grateful for the benefit whilst it last not take it for granted.

It sounds like your mum would much prefer her previous life but sadly, she has to work, like you. You are being unfair for acting all upset because your doing got something you don't any more.

Strictlysilly · 02/12/2020 08:37

I don't blame you for being upset. You've lent them money and helped out now they aren't doing same for you. Particularly not asking your brother for money and he is more well off than you and had 3 days childcare provided for years. Yanbu

MotherExtraordinaire · 02/12/2020 11:16

@Lucyloo333

Yes I feel they have done things the wrong way around but it's their money and up to them ultimately. It's frustrating to watch and horrible to see them so exhausted. I feel pretty alone with DD, it would be lovely to have the physical support but I need to accept its not going to happen right now. I so wish they'd sell their house. Its far bigger than what they need (they upsized) and it has financially crippled them. Life is short and while they have their health they should be enjoying life.

I think that your mother still had the intentions to do as she had for your brother, but their circumstances have changed and though you believe that they have done things the wrong way around, really that's not your place to judge them. And arguably better to enjoy their life when they were younger, fit and able than have a huge pot of inheritance that sat there and didn't benefit them.

I would be less irked by the fact you've now go to pay for childcare. That's on you and your choice to remain in this role and not look for alternative employment. Your parents cannot be blamed for your choices to have a child but not look at the potential impact on your finances if you choose to return to work. Your child your responsibility.

The relationship being impacted is sad. And may require more planning to ensure that quality contact is maintained working around schedules. And given that you have 13 weeks leave, that's still more availability to maintain non weekend contact.

I understand feeling sad at the less frequent contact. But quality is better than quantity.

As for being aggrieved that your brother had free childcare. This you need to get over.

LindaEllen · 02/12/2020 11:37

To be honest I think if you're going to have children you need to consider how they're going to be looked after under the assumption that you won't be getting help from family members. I mean, what if something happened to your mum? You'd have to find alternative arrangements then, wouldn't you.

I think it's lovely when children spend time with their grandparents, but it just doesn't work out that way every time, and nor should you be resentful if it doesn't.

Your mum has raised her children, she's done her bit, now it's your go.

If childcare doesn't fit with your job, get a different job, or be a SAHM and rely on your partner's wage - this is what many many people have to decide to do!

MorganKitten · 02/12/2020 12:46

She cant afford not to work now.
I hate feeling this way but I'm feeling really resentful that my DD doesn't get time with her granny and also i don't get the luxury of a bit of help financially, as now my mum can't help with my DD at all.Her hours are too sproadic and she can't commit.

She has to work, that’s just how life is. You can’t feel resentful over ‘luxury of childcare’ that’s coming across selfish.

thepeopleversuswork · 02/12/2020 12:49

I also don’t want to get into whataboutery but I have never had any childcare at all from family despite having a sister who lives less than a mile away.

Frustrating but it’s not an entitlement.

Rocococo · 02/12/2020 13:31

Grandparent support with childcare is one of the big inequalities for young families.

Of course we shouldn't expect it but it's hard not to feel hard done by when your peers all get 3 days a week at the grandparent crèche!

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