AIBU to panic about MIL providing childcare?

[Katlow]

Im pretty sure I'm being unreasonable but I have this feeling of impending doom.

My DH is amazing, doesn't smoke, not a big drinker, generous, kind, everything id ever want in a partner.
I'm currently 20 weeks pregnant and it's been decided I'm going to do 12 months maternity and then go back full time..
My DH works 4 on 4 off so childcare is going to be a bit of a funny one. My DM has already said she'll be going part time and will be available to look after baby 2 days a week and she's happy to do this. My DM will respect my wishes when it comes to parenting and will respect boundaries.
Now my DMIL is at home all day as she doesn't work and hasn't for ~20 years now. She lives in a housing association flat. She smokes weed and cigarettes and is very... Happy go lucky... To put it nicely. She's already expressed worry that she's going to end up getting pushed out (I've never pushed her out in the past, I used to make plans with her, however me and DH had an argument as he didn't like me arranging for us both to go and see her as I was making plans for him that he'd not agreed to, fair enough. So I now let him make arrangements with her and just go along with it so we don't see as much of her anymore). She's told me stories in the past of how she used to sprinkle weed in her coffee while looking after her youngest so she didn't stress out. My DH has a scar on his face from where she dropped him as a child headfirst. Despite all this, and despite us having a fair few differences in the past, in the last 3 years or so we've been getting on fine.
So here's the issue, she's expressed interest in providing childcare for us when my mum is working and I'm back at work. I categorically do NOT want this to happen. Im perfectly happy to pay for nursery. I can see her wanting to be the 'naughty' grandma who gives baby things that we don't allow, she'll be taking her outside with her to have a smoke, she won't respect my wishes when it comes to parenting if past experiences are anything to go by.
She used to give all 3 of her kids cigarettes at the age of 14.
My DH is adamant that he doesn't want his DM being left out and I've been trying to be very careful about what I say about the matter but I just have this feeling of impending doom.
She let her youngest son who was 15 at the time and autistic steer the car for her whilst she was driving and he was veering the steering wheel while I'm sat in the back horrified and they're all laughing.
WHAT DO I DO. How can I say I'm perfectly happy with my DM providing childcare but not DMIL. I would make sure it was maximum 1 day a week and make some other arrangements for the ones my mum can't do but I'm sat here panicking about something that's around 18 months away.

Don’t fight that battle yet. Just say «why don’t we wait and see» it’s a long way off! Yanbu!

I wouldn't like it either. Babies and weed smoking don't go.

Could you ask for her help on a Saturday morning - you're ankle deep in washing and unpacking the food shop, while she looks after the little one.

List all the reasons here and say no.
Not worth the risk.
Imagine how you'd feel if something happened.

Personally I'd not have either grandma do the childcare. Otherwise this is going to be a huge arguement. Can you make it work with nursery and of course your husband

Then all grandma time is nice family visits where you know your child is safe.
You can always ask your mum to care for your child when you and other half go on dates etc

You can't be wet when it comes to your child's safety. Say no and mean it. Your husband might be pissed off but that's not your problem.

People pleasing and good parenting don't mix.

I don't know why you're being careful about what you say to your DH, his DM is irresponsible and couldn't be trusted, nothing else to say. However, I agree that you need to wait before making any arrangements, a lot can change.

She smokes weed and cigarettes

It's a long way off. I would just smile and nod and say we'll see but remain non-commital.

If she pushes, be honest and say she'd need to stop smoking weed completely before you'd be happy to leave baby with her.

She probably won't and then problem solved.

I would absolutely fight that battle now. No one who smokes is watching my child. She also does not step foot in the house of anyone who smokes.

@olympicsrock

Don’t fight that battle yet. Just say «why don’t we wait and see» it’s a long way off! Yanbu!

I disagree, this needs to be nipped in the bud now or the MIL will expect and plan for childcare and the OP will probably get more and more anxious about it.

If it means your mum can't provide childcare either, that's shitty but possible necessary if you think it's going to cause a lot of trouble.

It's all very well to be nice and polite but you have to protect your child. If your DH cant see anything wrong with his mum looking after a toddler then you need to speek to your DH.
My advice would be to not let any grandmas look after baby. Either pay for nursery, only go back 4 days a week... whatever you can afford.
You can then all spend time with the grandma as a family.
In my (small) experience, famillies providing long term child care doesnt work.
They can babysit etc.

Put a stop to this now. Tell your dh that until his mom is the same kind of caregiver that your mom is that fair doesn't come into this. Its not about your mil's feelings but the safety of your child. Your mil is not a good caregiver. I say this as both a smoker of tobacco and weed. There is a time and a place for both. Watching an infant is neither of those

You can’t trust your mil with a baby. Say no and stick to it. Your husband’s feelings are secondary to your child’s safety.

I got as far as "scar on his head from where she dropped him as a baby"

Hell. Fucking. No.

I'll have to cross a similar bridge but for different reasons.

You need to speak to your DH I'd wait until the baby is here and get him on side.

Let your DP "visit granny" but absolutely no unsupervised visits.
I'd let your mum help if you are SURE shes reliable and do nursery for "socialisation" on the other days. Otherwise just do nursery its much easier

Just start laughing it off as a ridiculous idea now. ‘Oh dear MIL, you’d need to give up the weed first!’ And to your DH ‘we’d get reported to social services if we knowingly left our baby with a stoner.’

It’s not your job to join in the group denial about her shitty parenting.
Just say calmly and politely that you don’t feel it’s a good idea due to her smoking and having a different approach to looking after children.

You are your baby’s only protection. Having mil look after him/her is a hard no. She smokes that alone would mean she wouldn’t be looking after mine. The weed just makes me double want to run! Your dh cannot argue that she was a great mum unless he’s very deluded. Just point out his scar anytime he wants her to look after your baby.

Nip it in the bud. I'd take a huge argument over leaving my child with your MIL! And that absolutely does not mean that your DM shouldn't look after DC either. They're two different people! One can be trusted, one can't. It's just logical. I would be stating exactly the reasons why the grandmothers are being treated differently too if it came to that

Talking from experience, nip it in the bud before it becomes a thing!

My DP decided that he didn't want my sister to look after Ds because she had a dog, I didn't agree but fine! Unfortunately he waited until the night before I was dropping DS at my sisters for the first time to tell me- the fall out was huge and the relationships have never fully recovered.

If he had told me this while pregnant I would never have agreed to my sister having him, she still would have been upset but it would t have been half as bad. DS still went to MIL/FIL because as much as I wanted to use the "unfair" card I had no legitimate reason and new it was a separate scenario.

I really hope your DH can see the difference between your parents and take that on board instead of insisting on fairness. It's not a competition, it's about safety and does he really want a knock on the door from SS asking why his baby has been left with someone who's stoned? What's his answer going to be? Well my MIL has him so it's only fair?

I would just say you have decided on a nursery and that's that. Let the grandmas help with babysitting but not rely on them for a regular day

Of course you can later drop a day due to financial reasons

Saying no because of the smoking is fair enough. Most people would hopefully accept that. Although I don't really understand the relevance of her living in a "housing association flat".

Well I'm sure the usual suspects will be on op, telling you you are not being fair because your dm gets to look after the baby.

Obviously, it's not suitable and you need to tough and brazen it out.

Not a chance would she be having my baby.

Stop tiptoeing round DH. His mum abuses drugs. Of course she can't be left to watch your child. Would he mind if a worker at his child's nursery was stoned while looking after the children in their care?

I would not want a weed smoking grandma to look after my child. But I can tell you that the special treatment your mum is getting will cause lots of resentment down the line. I would bite the bullet and pay for childcare.