AIBU to panic about MIL providing childcare?

[Katlow]

Im pretty sure I'm being unreasonable but I have this feeling of impending doom.

My DH is amazing, doesn't smoke, not a big drinker, generous, kind, everything id ever want in a partner.
I'm currently 20 weeks pregnant and it's been decided I'm going to do 12 months maternity and then go back full time..
My DH works 4 on 4 off so childcare is going to be a bit of a funny one. My DM has already said she'll be going part time and will be available to look after baby 2 days a week and she's happy to do this. My DM will respect my wishes when it comes to parenting and will respect boundaries.
Now my DMIL is at home all day as she doesn't work and hasn't for ~20 years now. She lives in a housing association flat. She smokes weed and cigarettes and is very... Happy go lucky... To put it nicely. She's already expressed worry that she's going to end up getting pushed out (I've never pushed her out in the past, I used to make plans with her, however me and DH had an argument as he didn't like me arranging for us both to go and see her as I was making plans for him that he'd not agreed to, fair enough. So I now let him make arrangements with her and just go along with it so we don't see as much of her anymore). She's told me stories in the past of how she used to sprinkle weed in her coffee while looking after her youngest so she didn't stress out. My DH has a scar on his face from where she dropped him as a child headfirst. Despite all this, and despite us having a fair few differences in the past, in the last 3 years or so we've been getting on fine.
So here's the issue, she's expressed interest in providing childcare for us when my mum is working and I'm back at work. I categorically do NOT want this to happen. Im perfectly happy to pay for nursery. I can see her wanting to be the 'naughty' grandma who gives baby things that we don't allow, she'll be taking her outside with her to have a smoke, she won't respect my wishes when it comes to parenting if past experiences are anything to go by.
She used to give all 3 of her kids cigarettes at the age of 14.
My DH is adamant that he doesn't want his DM being left out and I've been trying to be very careful about what I say about the matter but I just have this feeling of impending doom.
She let her youngest son who was 15 at the time and autistic steer the car for her whilst she was driving and he was veering the steering wheel while I'm sat in the back horrified and they're all laughing.
WHAT DO I DO. How can I say I'm perfectly happy with my DM providing childcare but not DMIL. I would make sure it was maximum 1 day a week and make some other arrangements for the ones my mum can't do but I'm sat here panicking about something that's around 18 months away.

As with glowing orb. My DCs were never in a smoker’s house - ever. But that wasn’t difficult as no immediate family smoke. 2 friends of mine had DMs who smoked. They both made it clear when pregnant that if the smoking did not stop and the DMs house was not smoke free the baby would not be going there nor would they be even holding the baby smelling of fags. That was all it took to stop smoking habits of over 40 years, I’m told. Both GMs were desperate to be allowed to babysit.

can you clarify what the issue is with living in a HA flat? In what way is that relevant?

You've got a long time but dont let them think ahe will be looking after baby and then "change your mind" there's not a chance in hell my baby would even be going in her flat, you must come out high.

Nursery will be very important at that age so baby will be better there your mum can do some to keep the costs down but MIL doesn't want to do the boring stuff, wouldn't she rather just get to play at the park and you do all the nappy changes and screaming baby settling. Your husband knows, surely, she's not safe to leave your baby with.

The housing association flat issue is irrelevant. The smoking weed is the problem. And you need to sort it sooner rather than later. If your DM is going to rearrange her work, potentially even reduce her earnings to allow her to look after your baby, & then then only way for you to keep the peace is for neither of them not to look after your LO, it's really unfair of you to allow her to make those changes now when you know it may not be necessary. You need to sort it ASAP. Definitely go with what @Autumnismyseason said re: what to say to your DH & MIL.

I don't know why people think they have an automatic right to provide childcare?! Hellllllll to the fucking no would I be letting that woman provide any form of childcare for my child. If she or your husband doesn't like it that's there problem! Your child is your number one priority. Stand your ground!

Just say no, she’s a smoker. Why should your Mum miss out?

I think you know what you have to do, talk to your mum and explain that you won’t be relying on either granny to provide daycare for your little one because it wouldn’t be fair on the mil as she’s not in a position to be the same as your mum.

So come up with the idea that your mum can help out on ad hoc basis, and mil could come to the house and give you a hand as and when

You cant any fuck around with childcare like this, you know this.

So your H either tells his mum that she won’t be looking after her gc unless she stops smoking now and is a non smoker of everything and anything by the time baby is born, or you say to both that you’ll use nursery and keep them to fun grandma times not relying on them as childcare

Remember paying for childcare is a joint expense - don’t let your h say it’s all down to you!

I wouldn't make it about families. I wouldn't ever leave a child in the care of an individual who smokes weed regularly.

I think you know what you have to do, talk to your mum and explain that you won’t be relying on either granny to provide daycare for your little one because it wouldn’t be fair on the mil as she’s not in a position to be the same as your mum.

I don’t think this is fair on the OP’s Mum. If her DM wants the experience of providing childcare then why shouldn’t she just because MIL smokes weed and is generally a bit dysfunctional.

I would use nursery and your Mum. If MIL wants to do childcare then she can give up smoking/ sort herself out!

I do agree that she's not safe to watch the baby independently.
However what makes me laugh is people who go "my child isn't going near anyone who smokes, nor in their house".....
Seriously.... I smoke, not weed, but cigarettes, I have an 8 year old and a 12 month old.
I'm on chemo and the side effects from that are pretty horific and tbh, the medication I am on for the pain etc doesn't always help and going for a cigarette just gives me 5 mins and helps with everything.
Am I a shit mum because I smoke, should I not be around children because I smoke? I'm a registered A&E nurse so I am very aware of the dangers, but guess what, loads of doctors and nurses smoke, unfortunately the job is stressful especially at the moment. But it does not make me a crap person or mother because I smoke and I can guarantee if you brought your child in to A&E unwell, you wouldn't give a sh*t that i smoke and would just want me to help and save your child, which I would do happily!

I agree this lady is not the best to have the baby, but that is due to weed smoking and her previous parenting with her own children and the dangers she put them in. So no YANBU however I wish people would stop bashing people who smoke like we are horrible cretins who shouldn't be around any kids bla bla bla.

Yes, no idea why OP's mum should be punished for MIL's poor choices in life.

I wouldn't be limiting other family members access to the baby, just because I don't want to offend granny by being seen to have an issue with her drug habit. I mean surely she realises people are going to have a problem with it

Is he going to be smoking weed while looking after the baby? Is he going to be doing things that are dangerous for the baby and illegal for older children? If he thinks all this is ok I'd be seriously worried about him looking after your baby. If he thinks all this is unacceptable, why the fuck does he want to leave the baby with someone that acts like this? Why does he think hurting his mums feelings trumps your baby's safety?

I'd be quite annoyed to be honest, people are different and you don't need to treat them exactly the same to have a good relationship with them. Him and his mum sound a bit childish to be honest with the while 'it's not fair, she got more than me!' thing going on. Youre not doing it to be mean, to spite him or his mother, or because you don't like her. You're doing it because your babys safety is your top priority and it should be his as well. You cant leave the baby with her, you'll be driving yourself nuts wondering if things are ok while you're at work. Do you think someone who gave their kids fags at 14 will really wash their hands and change their clothes after smoking before picking up a baby?

The only options are -
Stand your ground and piss off his mum
Say no grandparents do childcare and pay an extra £2.5k a year or whatever on nursery fees to stop hurting his mums feeling
Use nursery full time and use both grandparents for ad hoc childcare eg use your mum when the baby is ill and off nursery (which will be a lot in the first year) for emergency childcare and use his mum to look after the baby at yours so you can both do jobs (and supervise her discreetly) or for popping out in an evening once the baby is in bed and unlikely to wake up so she doeskt actually have to do anything.

Just a thought about your mum doing it....
If your dh does 4 on 4 off then he won't have the same days off each week. How will your mum go part time to fit in with this?

Also...I know you have said you've decided to have 12 months off then go back full time...just be aware this can change as well. I thought I'd have 6 months off with my husband taking the other 6 then go back full time, in the end I did 10 months and went back 4 days. Some people want to go back much earlier because looking after a baby is more boring than expected. I would see how you get on before setting anything in stone

No reason your dm can't look after your dc. Your dc being in a safe environment is more important than feckless dgm's feelings. Your dm shouldn't be punished for being a decent dgm surely? Your dc will embrace having 1 decent dgm. Not your problem it isn't dh's dm.

@Lottieeshborn I do think that anyone who smokes shouldn’t be around children. Smokers are all arseholes.
We do not allow my DD near a family member who is a smoker, they don’t touch her and we won’t visit their house.

@Katlow I’d plan for paid childcare - family childcare is always a potential disaster. You can tell paid childcare what you expect, with family it’s a nightmare.

Two days with your mum and the others with registered childcare providers.
There’s no way a smoker of weed or tobacco should be caring for a precious baby.
I usually stick up for MiLs in general but not in this case!

Just say no. She smokes weed, that is enough for me to not ever even want my child around her.

Who wants their child in that environment where they think smoking weed is normal..

It’s not.

@AfterSchoolWorry

You can't be wet when it comes to your child's safety. Say no and mean it. Your husband might be pissed off but that's not your problem.

People pleasing and good parenting don't mix.

Exactly this. I would have said no way from the off. No pussyfooting around.

it's been decided I'm going to do 12 months maternity and then go back full time..

I get the feeling that this isn't what you want either?

Your DH is being incredibly wet in all this. He's perfectly happy to more or less ignore his mum, but he's getting bent out of shape about a perceived 'unfairness' around childcare? Children aren't cake, you don't get to moan if someone else gets a bigger slice, for whatever reason.

I'd get this nipped in the bud and by that I mean tell DH that his mother isn't going to provide regular childcare and he has to deal with any fallout.

That all said - you do need to chill a little bit. I have a scar on my neck from when my mum caught me on her belt (it was the 70s, metal belts were a thing) and she lives in a council house, and she even smokes. Doesn't mean she isn't a great gran.

Nope, no way, not in a million years. But you are only 20 weeks pregnant. You have a year and a half before this will even be an issue. Put all out of your mind and ignore her for now. When the time comes, just say no. A couple days with your mum, sure fine, but actually I think kids really benefit from being in a structured social environment if they aren't going to be home with a parent. Nursery part of the week and a grandparent part of the week is fine, but I wouldn't limit the opportunities for socialisation by using only family - even if she wasn't a big pothead.

Also fwiw, I was cared for by my grandparents when my mum when back to work after mat leave. They were lovely and I really enjoyed my time with them. But they were heavy smokers. I had recurrent pneumonia all through childhood, have been hospitalised with serious pneumonia as an adult (when I was in my 20s and fit and well), and am now asthmatic. I probably wouldn't be if my mum had used a nursery instead.

@Megan2018
Well I can honestly say I'm not an arsehole. As I said I'm on chemotherapy and the side effects for that can be horific. The stress and worry I feel all day every day is horific. If I have 3-4 cigarettes a day to help with a lot of the shit going on in my life and to give me just that 5 mins away, I don't agree that makes me an arsehole..
Would love to see you come into A&E with your child and see if you refuse the care of the doctors and nurses who smoke, because I can guarantee you that would make you or your child not received care from some of the best doctors and nurses. I work with some of the best doctors who I would trust with my life and my children's, but guess what, they smoke..... shit.... they must be awful people!!

Smoking weed around a child etc, I totally get and that is a massive dangerous dick move. But a cigarette once in a while.... not so much.

You don't know my life, being on chemo at 31 with 2 kids is some scary awful shit! I wouldn't wish it on anyone. Some days I physically can't move because of the pain, the nausea, the vomiting, the exhaustion. But guess what, I have a 9 year old and 12 month old and everyday I get up and be a mum, despite everything I'm going through. And I'm a damn good mum! My children are my world.

So in this thread, yes there is an arsehole but I can definitely tell you, its not me!
You need to get a grip and see that. Do you have a glass of wine, or G&T..... fuck...... I wouldn't let that around my child!! Works many ways! I don't drink any alcohol.... but would I let my mother hold my child if she's had 1 glass of wine... obviously I would. People do all sorts of unhealthy things, a cigarette or a glass of wine doesn't make you an arsehole or shit person.
Anyway, bye, cba with someone sat on their high pedestal thinking they are above everyone... I'm sure you're absolutely perfect 👌

Definitely be firm about it, I think.

My MIL is a smoker, and unreliable in other ways too, and we knew this before we had DD. Both DP and I felt we had to include her, and give her a chance, and so on. And we both wish we hadn't. MIL did things like grabbing the baby from me and refusing to let go, pretending she hadn't just had a fag and wanting a cuddle before she'd even washed her hands, insisting she wanted to put alcohol on her gums for teething and trying to feed her before she was weaned.

At the time I kept telling myself I had to let her do this, it really mattered to my DP. And actually, it is one of the things that really harmed my relationship with DP, because I hated sitting watching my baby crying while MIL insisted on 'her' cuddle time. It's only been in the last year or so (DD is three) that DP and I properly talked and I realised DP had hated it all too, and really regretted not being firmer with MIL.

Your DP doesn't know how he will feel when he actually has a newborn here, but it could be very different from how he thinks he will feel now. For my DP, it was a real wake-up call about how shit her childhood actually was.

And my MIL doesn't sound anything like as bad as yours!