AIBU to panic about MIL providing childcare?

[Katlow]

Im pretty sure I'm being unreasonable but I have this feeling of impending doom.

My DH is amazing, doesn't smoke, not a big drinker, generous, kind, everything id ever want in a partner.
I'm currently 20 weeks pregnant and it's been decided I'm going to do 12 months maternity and then go back full time..
My DH works 4 on 4 off so childcare is going to be a bit of a funny one. My DM has already said she'll be going part time and will be available to look after baby 2 days a week and she's happy to do this. My DM will respect my wishes when it comes to parenting and will respect boundaries.
Now my DMIL is at home all day as she doesn't work and hasn't for ~20 years now. She lives in a housing association flat. She smokes weed and cigarettes and is very... Happy go lucky... To put it nicely. She's already expressed worry that she's going to end up getting pushed out (I've never pushed her out in the past, I used to make plans with her, however me and DH had an argument as he didn't like me arranging for us both to go and see her as I was making plans for him that he'd not agreed to, fair enough. So I now let him make arrangements with her and just go along with it so we don't see as much of her anymore). She's told me stories in the past of how she used to sprinkle weed in her coffee while looking after her youngest so she didn't stress out. My DH has a scar on his face from where she dropped him as a child headfirst. Despite all this, and despite us having a fair few differences in the past, in the last 3 years or so we've been getting on fine.
So here's the issue, she's expressed interest in providing childcare for us when my mum is working and I'm back at work. I categorically do NOT want this to happen. Im perfectly happy to pay for nursery. I can see her wanting to be the 'naughty' grandma who gives baby things that we don't allow, she'll be taking her outside with her to have a smoke, she won't respect my wishes when it comes to parenting if past experiences are anything to go by.
She used to give all 3 of her kids cigarettes at the age of 14.
My DH is adamant that he doesn't want his DM being left out and I've been trying to be very careful about what I say about the matter but I just have this feeling of impending doom.
She let her youngest son who was 15 at the time and autistic steer the car for her whilst she was driving and he was veering the steering wheel while I'm sat in the back horrified and they're all laughing.
WHAT DO I DO. How can I say I'm perfectly happy with my DM providing childcare but not DMIL. I would make sure it was maximum 1 day a week and make some other arrangements for the ones my mum can't do but I'm sat here panicking about something that's around 18 months away.

the problem is that nursery workers also smoke; you are not going to guarantee a smoke free person will end up looking after your child anyway (unless someone is going to tell me that there are some smoke free g'teed settings? which would be good). We had a nanny who'd previously worked in a nursery but on condition that she was no longer smoking by the time she started. She must've thought that we'd fallen down in the latest rain shower because "not smoking in font of the child" is all very well but people who smoke in their cars on the way to work / on lunch breaks / indoors at home still absolutely reek of it.

Um ... yes, there definitely are guaranteed smoke free child care settings!

Where on earth are you that you think there aren't?

I don't know if any of the workers at my DD's nursery smokes on their own time, but they definitely don't nip out for fag breaks on the job and I've never noticed anyone smelling of it (and, as you say, you really do notice - it's not something that can be hidden).

No way would I leave her alone with the baby!

Like others have said just be non committal, just say you don’t know how you will feel / you might give up work completely (probably unlikely but she doesn’t know that). You need a schedule with her so she feels included like every last Sunday of every month you get together etc.

As for your mum, maybe just get her not mention anything on social media and not make a big deal of it when she has DC

You at worrying about something that is about 17 months away. I wouldn’t give it another seconds thought until you have to.

Just say we haven’t finalised arrangements yet and smile.

@sarahandquack because it's extremely difficult for an employer to impose a recruitment policy which covers non smoking in own time. Yes it's easy to say no smoking at work but as above - in the car on the way there etc etc is such dicy grounds legally for the employer to hire only non smokers or to implement / enforce etc a policy of banning staff from carrying out legal activities in their own time. I did not suggest for one minute that the setting itself would be other than smoke free, but that doesn't mean staff won't be wearing clothes / have unwashed hair that smell of smoke

But you literally asked if there were guaranteed smoke-free settings?

Right here:

unless someone is going to tell me that there are some smoke free g'teed settings? which would be good

You can't possibly imagine that a nursery worker who smokes on his or her own time is comparable to weed-chuffing MIL.

No just no. I can't believe your dh would want his dc to be exposed to smoke. Just play on the health angle.

@SarahAndQuack god you’re quite the terrier.
People were saying that this mil isn’t necessarily going to smoke either fags or weed in front of the baby. That’s the same level of smoke free environment that you’re able to g’tee with a smoke free nursery - a smoker with smelly clothes and hair who does not, at the point of actual care, have a gag hanging out of their mouth. My query was whether it’s possible to guarantee a fully smoke free environment and I suspect it isn’t. A nursery worker who smokes on the way to work / at home is no different to weedy grandma if weedy grandma is not smoking while she has the child - explain how it’s different? Guess what - I bet a load of nursery workers also smoke weed off duty.

She sounds unreliable whether she smokes or not. Like a PP suggested, ask her to be backup childcare in your home on Saturdays or Sundays. Weird that she is trying to stake a claim on a child who is not yet born. I don’t think you need to avoid using your DM for childcare since there aren’t the same issues.

DH: “There is no way that I would let your Devil’s lettuce puffing Mother look after our baby or any young child - happy for supervised contact but anything else is dangerous.”

A nursery worker who smokes on the way to work / at home is no different to weedy grandma if weedy grandma is not smoking while she has the child - explain how it’s different?
The nursery worker isn't smoking in the place she's caring for the child.

[quote MatildaonaWaltzer]@SarahAndQuack god you’re quite the terrier.
People were saying that this mil isn’t necessarily going to smoke either fags or weed in front of the baby. That’s the same level of smoke free environment that you’re able to g’tee with a smoke free nursery - a smoker with smelly clothes and hair who does not, at the point of actual care, have a gag hanging out of their mouth. My query was whether it’s possible to guarantee a fully smoke free environment and I suspect it isn’t. A nursery worker who smokes on the way to work / at home is no different to weedy grandma if weedy grandma is not smoking while she has the child - explain how it’s different? Guess what - I bet a load of nursery workers also smoke weed off duty.[/quote]
No, that's definitely not the level you get in a smoke free nursery.

I have never seen or heard of a nursery worker allowed to come in with smelly clothes or hair. At our nursery, workers wear a uniform anyway. But they definitely wouldn't be allowed to come in smelling of smoke. As you yourself said, you can definitely tell if someone's been smoking - I think in two years of using that nursery, I would probably have noticed!

It's hardly being a 'terrier' to point out you flat-out contradicted yourself and forgot you'd done so in the space of two posts. Were you a bit tipsy when you posted, by any chance? Or do you have personal reasons for being behind weed-smoker Granny?

No tbh I wouldn't let that happen either but it is a long time off so don't worry yet, a lot can happen in that time. My in laws are nightmare with timing issues so I just couldn't rely on them for that alone. I've had appointments I need to go to and they turn up half an hour late cause they needed to nip to a shop 🤷‍♀️ so I know it just wouldn't work for us! Do some little tests over the next 12 months, your DH will see the problems it will cause, if she passes with flying colours I would be shocked 😮 good luck with the rest of your pregnancy xx

No way would she be in sole charge of my baby. That said if she's a nice person I'd make a huge effort to include her; ask for advice, invite her on days out, pop round during your maternity leave etc.

My MiL is similar with her smoking and drinking and has a string of stoner boyfriends as well. We always knew she wasn't a reliable option but she was adamant she would have DD1 (as my mum was having her 1 day). I also went back to work full time and my husband works part time. My husband actually found HE wanted the support from Mil -all his friends were at work and he enjoyed seeing on his days with DD1. This seemed to satisfy her need to be involved in the childcare without being in sole charge or having to be somewhere on time so we could get to work. So perhaps you can also frame it in those terms that you really would prefer her available to support DH. I'm not sure how much of an issue the smoking is for you (looking at some of the responses on here I'm obviously more relaxed than most,!) But perhaps she can come to you and not smoke/wash hands before holding baby etc. That's what we did- my husband would pick her up and bring her to ours. Also if you can find a childcare provider who will work round your DH shift patterns I would be biting their hand off and getting baby in there. we used a nursery part time and when my father became terminally ill my mum was no longer able to have DD it was pretty easy to up her days at nursery. I won't lie, the whole thing caused us some sleepless nights, but you have plenty of time to work it out (although waiting lists can be long!). Good luck!

I had a similar problem and just went for nursery - it's far more reliable all round ( no having to take time off cos granny has flu or has gone on a cruise or whatever ) and if you keep both grans for fun times and outings then no one gets all huffy and bent out of shape.

She sounds frightful! There is nothing "naughty" about smoking weed over small DC its completely and utterly irresponsible! SS would not take a good view.Say you very much love her and would like to meet at the park/your home with Babe.However you have childcare sorted out and dont want to overburden her!

Bit of a nightmare! I wouldn't say much at the mo, you don't have to work it out yet.

My grandmother smoked and I used to spend a week or so at hers in holidays. I loved it there, smokers or not. They provided some of my favourite childhood memories.

"I used to make plans with her, however me and DH had an argument as he didn't like me arranging for us both to go and see her as I was making plans for him that he'd not agreed to, fair enough. So I now let him make arrangements with her and just go along with it so we don't see as much of her anymore"

I find this at little bit at odds with "My DH is adamant that he doesn't want his DM being left out". Or maybe it's in keeping, but in a weird way?

At odds - you were happier with more contact with her than he was versus he's now insisting on more contact with her than you want.

In keeping - he wants to override your choice on how much contact to have, regardless of whether it is more or less. He wants to be in control of the amount of contact.

Personally I would nip this in the bud. She smokes, tobacco and weed. No fucking way would she be left in sole charge of our child! He can be as adamant as he wants to be, she is NOT safe for childcare. That is not pushing her out, that is prioritising the safety of your child over the wants of his mother, and if he were to prioritise his mother over his child I would rip him a new one.

Child safety takes priority. She doesn't get unsupervised access just because she wants it. She doesn't get pushed out either, you can both take your child to visit. Or since her home will be smoked-up, she can visit you.

Be as adamant as he is being. She is not safe childcare, so she won't be doing childcare at all. Non-negotiable.

I'd say "Yes, of course, but only after you have given up all smoking".
If she doesn't, you're off the hook.

YABU to mention that she lives in an Housing Association property, as if this somehow contributes to her being unsuitable for childcare. 🤦

Well obviously you can't leave your child with this sort of person.

I would just emphasise that it's about the child and there are other ways to build a relationship than through childcare. But no one responsible would be happy leaving their baby in this woman's care. If he can't see that, I'm concerned about what kind of father he'll be.

You have a DH problem if he thinks this is ok...