My dad died and family want Xmas together.

[Tierednfrustrated]

So my dad sadly passed away the beginning of this year, and we are facing our first Christmas without him.

Naturally, this time of year has stirred up all kinds of emotions as we approach Christmas day.

The problem? My siblings (2 sisters) want us all to a big family Christmas day meal with our mum, but I really dont want to and I feel bad. I know I sound heartless, but we haven't 'done" Christmas day as one big family for many years since becoming adults. It's not so much that we dont get along, but rather that our families combined are rather large, and it's never been practical etc. My sisters each have children, and I am a single parent of two. I'm used to a much quieter Christmas and it fills me with dread being with them all at the same time (they're a rowdy bunch at times).

Am I wrong to say no, not this year? And if not, what is a diplomatic way to tell them without hurting their feelings?

Or, am I terrible if I don't do this?

Yanbu. Whilst it may help their grief, it sounds like it wouldn't help yours. In addition, it doesnt sound like one you would enjoy.

Would you host your mum only if it came down to it, so that she wasn't alone (she likely won't be but handy to have that option).

It’s illegal? Would that be a good enough excuse (assuming your mother and sisters are all separate households)?

Just use COVID as an excuse. You don’t feel comfortable, etc.

Sorry for your loss

Arrange a festive lunch/dinner in a nice pub with your mum and your DCs a few days before OP. If she fancies it, of course.

Can you compromise and just go for lunch or just for the afternoon?

YANBU. Plus there can on,y be three households, so that’s you out

I’m so sorry for your loss, I would certainly use C-19 rules as your excuse. Your mum isn’t going to be on her own which is really important.

Great idea to have that many people in one house & loads of kids...that'll be great for your mum! FFS tell them not to be so stupid.

Is your mum bubbled with you? If she is I'd suggest she comes to you and the others stay away from her.

YANBU to say 'thanks but no thanks...maybe next year'.

What tier are you in? More than 3 households aren't allowed anyway.

@Dontpasstovardy

What tier are you in? More than 3 households aren't allowed anyway.

Mum's alone now. Presumably she's bubbled with one of the sisters. One would certainly hope so.

Please don’t feel pressured

If you don’t want to do this, just explain this to them and say it’s not something you’d be up to managing this year.

If it were me I’d ask your mum what she wants. For me that would trump what anyone else wants.

YANBU. As long as your mum is not alone, you should have the Christmas you want. Would you be happy to have your mum for Christmas and does she know that?

Thank you everyone. Can't reply personally to each one yet as I'm on the go. But to answer a few..

Covid is a good enough reason, except they will still most likely guilt trip me as its un usual circumstances with dad dying. And they will think that is important enough to bend the rules slightly.

My mum generally prefers her own company and is quite an introvert. If I am being honest, most of my family are usually, which makes this all the more odd.

My mum has never even been to my house and I don't think she would feel comfortable.

YANBU to say no. My Dad died this year too and there is no way I want a family xmas beyond me and the DCs.

would say a christmas eve or boxing day buffet be better?: Less formal and stressy I find.

My sister is very loud and fun and Im an introvert so we find this is the best mix for us. I like christmas day to be stress free.

Covid restrictions aside I would do it. Would it really kill you for one year?

But as a PP has said it's what your Mum wants that matters this year at least. If that is what she would like and help her deal with her first Christmas without him.

You say that you are a Single Mum so consider how you would feel if your DC's didn't want to do it should the situation be reversed.

I'm sorry for your loss.

Ah, I see. In that case, has anyone asked your mum what she wants to do, as Vinyl suggests?

She may hate being forced to be around lots of people but also may be used to saying no due to being introverted but may enjoy having people around?

I completely understand this. My dad died earlier this year and I have also experienced a lot of rule bending using that as an excuse ( of course it is a good excuse - but not to continually bend the rules for months and months to come and then worse make those who abide by the rules feel guilty)

What does your mum want? She might not want the hassle of everyone at once. Maybe you could do christmas eve or boxing day instead so that it isn't as full on for her (and you).
If my mum really wanted us all to be there, I would do it even if I didn't feel like it. but if she is quite introverted as you say, it might be more coming from your sisters than her.

What does your mum want?

Your mum has never been to your house? Say what?

@Tierednfrustrated

Thank you everyone. Can't reply personally to each one yet as I'm on the go. But to answer a few..

Covid is a good enough reason, except they will still most likely guilt trip me as its un usual circumstances with dad dying. And they will think that is important enough to bend the rules slightly.

My mum generally prefers her own company and is quite an introvert. If I am being honest, most of my family are usually, which makes this all the more odd.

My mum has never even been to my house and I don't think she would feel comfortable.

Why hasn't your mom ever been to your house?

Sounds like the mum is very introverted, which makes the situation quite complex.