My dad died and family want Xmas together.

[Tierednfrustrated]

So my dad sadly passed away the beginning of this year, and we are facing our first Christmas without him.

Naturally, this time of year has stirred up all kinds of emotions as we approach Christmas day.

The problem? My siblings (2 sisters) want us all to a big family Christmas day meal with our mum, but I really dont want to and I feel bad. I know I sound heartless, but we haven't 'done" Christmas day as one big family for many years since becoming adults. It's not so much that we dont get along, but rather that our families combined are rather large, and it's never been practical etc. My sisters each have children, and I am a single parent of two. I'm used to a much quieter Christmas and it fills me with dread being with them all at the same time (they're a rowdy bunch at times).

Am I wrong to say no, not this year? And if not, what is a diplomatic way to tell them without hurting their feelings?

Or, am I terrible if I don't do this?

Is your children’s father still around somewhere? Could you claim you can’t because you are required to take them to that side of their family and therefore you can only “ drop by”?

I think you can say covid plus wanting a quiet first Xmas without dad

Four households is illegal so there is your excuse.

Tell your mum you will find it too hard this year and covid means that you shouldn't anyway. Offer to be around for her the day before or after instead?

I'm in tier 2

I still feel anxious in case they turn on me. I will look so unreasonable.

Children's dad not in the picture thankfully.

My mum hasn't been to my house as there are too many stairs and she has bad legs.

Could you spend NYE with your Mum as a better option?
It will be a sad time for your Mum, she might appreciate your quiet company then.
Also placates your sisters for Xmas, that you have a plan - bit for NYE - to share the burden in a manner of speaking?

@DonLewis

Your mum has never been to your house? Say what?

My mum hasn't been to mine either, she says it's to give us privacy.

I think what your mum wants trumps everything else this year.

A friend of mine lost her husband this year and she is putting on a brave face but is utterly distraught. She is barely getting through each day, and is desperate to be kept busy and distracted during the Xmas period.

If your mum feels the same, and has been a good mum to you, then I would suck it up this year - it really isn't that much of an inconvenience.

If your introverted mum wants a quieter Xmas, then that's ok too and you can pull out without feeling any guilt at all.

It’s not rule bending, it’s against the law.

@Tierednfrustrated

I'm in tier 2

It doesn’t matter what Tier you’re in. Four households meeting is illegal over Christmas.

So I told my family I wasnt going. They're all mad at me.

You have made a decision that is right for you, and no-one is being left alone at Christmas.

Are they all cross with you? Including your mum? Because she’s the only one who counts.

They can be as cross as they like. It’s illegal, as is meeting at a restaurant with your mum as a pp proposed (seeing as she isnt in your bubble and is meeting others.)

It's against covid rules anyhow, 3 households max isn't it?

YANBU. I go through similar. Well for years I’ve wanted a Christmas at home without having to go anywhere and due to covid I’m hoping it will happen! My grandad died earlier in the year. He was like my father figure as I never had a dad around but I’m not going to be guilt tripped into seeing my family - who are hard work and mine are lonely! I’m spending it at home. 😍

My mum died earlier this year and she normally spent Christmas with us 3 children and our partners. This year we are just spending Christmas in our individual households because one feels uncomfortable getting together because of the whole Covid situation. It is disappointing but hopefully we will all spend next Christmas and future Christmases together as usual.

The death of a parent is an awful loss and maybe your sisters can envisage a time when your mum is no longer here too and want to ensure you all have happy memories of family Christmasses to remember.

I like the suggestion of spending New Year with your Mum, so she's not on her own

Why do people say it's illegal?

Households:

1. OP's household.
2. Sister 1's household.
3. Sister 2's household

The OP's mum is now alone so could bubble with any one of her children's households.

I'd be interested to know what your mum wants op.

Would you go if it was important to her?

I suppose I'd hope my family would rally round me, in the future, when I'm old and bereaved. Plenty more Christmases for you to stay at home.

She doesn't want to upset anyone, so shes not saying much!

I am being guilt tripped left right and centre.

My family know its illegal but feel its acceptable given the circumstances