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AIBU?

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Original poster

To be fed up of the silent treatment?

36 replies

SweetShopSurprise · 01/12/2020 19:14

DH and I had a row this afternoon. He’s (kindly) paying for something for me and today I had to ring up and pay for it over the phone. He insisted I put them on speaker and he read out the card details- fine. Did so, all done, I then took them off speaker and went to talk to them again. DH jumped up, mouthed WTF and started angrily gesticulating at me to put them back on speaker. I was annoyed at him being like that as there was no need. He’d paid, transaction was done. I then needed to speak about timings for collection etc.

We had a row when I put the phone down as I said why on earth did he get so worked up about me taking them off speaker. He said I should’ve kept them on speaker until he was sure they were done with him and didn’t need any other details. I said, she said ‘thank you, all done’ and even if she did, I could’ve just put her back on speaker.

I said I’m fed up of him flying off the handle over the smallest things. I said I’m fed up of him moaning at me all ye bloody time at the moment. It’s become like living in a bloody dictatorship.

I then took the dogs out. Got back an hour later and he hasn’t spoken to me since.

I HATE the silent treatment. He’s waiting on me to back down and apologise for arguing with him. Which I won’t do.

He’s one of these people that WILL go to sleep on an argument and I hate it.

Generally (despite how it sounds) are relationship is really good and loving and we hardly ever row. But when we do, he sulks like a child.

He’s just so fucking anal about everything. It annoyed him that I didn’t behave exactly how he wanted me to behave (by taking it off speaker) like it’s such a tiny deal, why start huffing, puffing and gesticulating like a mad man?! Why not just roll your eyes and let it go. He’s got to create a drama over the tiniest of things.

I’m just so fed up, I need to get out of this house and socialise with people that aren’t him. We’ve been in each other’s pockets, without a proper break for weeks now.

OP posts:
StormzyInaDCup · 01/12/2020 23:14

No one deserves to be dictated to, shouted at or ignored in a relationship. Nor should they be made to excuse their partners behaviour. Regardless of how nice they are at any other time.

Cygne · 01/12/2020 23:22

I really can't stand adults who sulk, it's an incredibly unattractive trait. You were right to call him out on his conduct about the phone call, and if he were at all mature he'd acknowledge that his behaviour was totally unnecessary.

I think you need a serious conversation with him about growing up and being less anal, and in particularly about dealing with disputes like an adult, not like a sulky child. If he can't do that, it's time to think very seriously about whether there is any future in this.

switswooo · 02/12/2020 00:53

What an utter knob. Sounds like it was an opportunity for him to play the big man as he was paying for the item, to reinforce that he is holding the purse strings.

He doesn't control all finances does he?

The silent treatment will never stop,be prepared to live with it for life.

PirateCatQueen · 02/12/2020 02:40

Silent treatment is emotional abuse.

OwlOneAmorFati · 02/12/2020 02:49

People do this when they know that their position is NOT reasonable but they're angry anyway.

If he communicates with you, he'd have to concede.

My mother does this. She also never, ever ever says sorry.

It is emotional abuse.

My mother is ''lovely'' so long as you 100% buy in to her reality and never disagree or challenge her or call her out on having hurt you. If you do, you get 6 months of silent treatment.

Topseyt · 02/12/2020 03:01

He sounds immature. Did he grow up at all beyond his teenage years?

I wouldn't apologise and he could go on as long as he liked with his silent treatment. I would, however, tell him what a deeply unattractive trait it is and that if he continued with his ridiculousness the relationship would be reconsidered.

blubberball · 02/12/2020 03:05

Maybe your relationship is only good, and loving when you do as you're told or behave in a way he expects and wants. Maybe the moment you go off his script, he treats you like this. I don't know, but silent treatment is abusive, and why even get angry about that any way? Sounds controlling. You don't deserve to be treated that way.

AlmostAlwyn · 02/12/2020 05:09

Sulking is so manipulative. It's not normal at all and you don't have to put up with it. Have a read of this thread series about a similar situation:

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3448545-Confronting-DH-about-his-sulking

MerchantOfVenom · 02/12/2020 05:51

Go into where ever he is, sulking like a baby and tell him that if he thinks you’re coming in to apologise, he’s even more deluded than you thought, and if he wants to continue sulking, can he please pack a bag and go and find somewhere else to stay while he’s doing so. You’re not prepared to share a roof with him while he’s being like this, so if sulking is so important to him, he needs to go and do it where you can’t see him.

Walk out, and wait for him to either leave (good) or back down (meh, you’re still stuck when him, but at least he’s not being as repugnant).

ivfbeenbusy · 02/12/2020 05:58

@PirateCatQueen

Silent treatment is emotional abuse.

Because women don't employ this in their Arsenal when it suits.... 🤷‍♀️

To be honest if i was paying for something and I was put on the call to input My card details and then swiftly cut off when I was no longer "needed" I'd have felt a bit pissed off that all I was was a walking credit card

PirateCatQueen · 02/12/2020 06:06

@ivfbeenbusy

Where did I say it was only men who used it?

I said “The silent treatment is emotional abuse”. In response to a poster who is being abused in that way.

No mention of sex or gender as a relevant factor at all.

You’re projecting your own prejudices and insecurities onto a factual statement.

Disgusting and pathetic behaviour.

whatshalliget · 02/12/2020 06:08

My ex used to give me the silent treatment for up to two months at a time.

After many painful years I left.

I am constantly happy that I no longer have to put up with his behaviour

In your case OP I would tell your husband that his behaviour is unacceptable and see if he can modify it. That and his tendency to fly off the handle.

AlwaysCheddar · 02/12/2020 06:59

Leave.

MerchantOfVenom · 02/12/2020 07:04

Because women don't employ this in their Arsenal when it suits....

Yes, and? Who said otherwise...?

Shoxfordian · 02/12/2020 07:05

Silent treatment and sulking is emotional abuse. He sounds like a knob.

Shoxfordian · 02/12/2020 07:07

@ivfbeenbusy
I don't personally deploy the old silent treatment but maybe some women do, basically anyone who does is acting like a child. Are you the op's husband?

PrincessNutNut · 02/12/2020 07:10

Because women don't employ this in their Arsenal when it suits.... 🤷‍♀️

She didn't say anything about it being a gendered trait. You're the one making it a battle of the sexes. At least try to hide your agenda, you might fool a couple of people.

Ponoka7 · 02/12/2020 07:12

@ivfbeenbusy

"Silent treatment is emotional abuse.
Because women don't employ this in their Arsenal when it suits.."

No women don't 'have it in their arsenal when it suits", abusive people do. If the women you grew up with did tgis, then you grew up with abusive people.

OP, as said this is emotional abuse, it will wear your confidence down. Personally I'd be making plans to leave. You don't get to fly off the handle with other adults, that aggressive and controlling. He's undone his kind gesture somewhat. Does he often undo otherwise good stuff because of his temper?

AlizarinRed · 02/12/2020 07:13

I would look into how you would leave him. My DH can be like this - I've realised it isoften when some other thing has annoyed or upset him and he takes his anger and frustration out on me - nice! - But plan how you would separate and where you would live etc, how you'd manage. Reason is it puts you in a very much more powerful position next time he decides to start an argument. You can suggest separating, or splitting for a while and actually mean it. State that you aren't happy with the way he treats you and wont' put up with it, and mean it. Etc etc. Instead of it just being you attempting to change him or 'nagging' him. It changes the dynamics.

Afishcalledwonderful · 02/12/2020 07:21

I was married to a man like this .. a 'lovely guy' as long as you danced to his tune. Rowing followed by the silent treatment which used to break me. I wish I could have been stronger and done what @MerchantOfVenom said to do. I walked out on him after 9 years of it as couldn't take it any longer. As well as the silent treatment he used to do the silent glare at me in public/out with friends if I said something he didn't like. Then when we'd get home hours later, the shouting would start followed by the silent treatment. I was a nervous wreck. I would say this is a deep-routed behaviour he's learned as a child and will be very hard to break. Can you put up with it for the rest of your life? I couldn't.

MyGazeboisLeaking · 02/12/2020 07:39

OP, do you think you've been conditioned to no longer recognise that you're being controlled?

Silent treatment aside - how are finances managed / shared in your home?

Why did your DH have to physically be on hand to read out his card details? Why not transfer money to you, and/or give you the card to use over the phone yourself.

Could there be more deep rooted issues with control too?

Mittens030869 · 02/12/2020 08:16

The silent treatment is definitely abusive, and from what the OP is saying her DH uses this tactic regularly. This is completely unavailable.

CorianderQueen · 02/12/2020 08:17

Why wouldn't he just pass you his card that's so odd

Ironingontheceiling · 02/12/2020 08:19

Why couldn’t he transfer you the money and you pay for it?

curtainsfort · 02/12/2020 08:21

Generally (despite how it sounds) are relationship is really good and loving and we hardly ever row.

The rest of your post says otherwise.

Most women in abusive relationships say similar. Your relationship is not good if he treats you how he has in this example. Not just the silent treatment but the whole thing from start to finish. If your relationship was good it would be good all the time. People in good relationships don't display abusive behaviour. Please face this one head on, take your head out of the sand.

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