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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

I lost my shit by email

79 replies

Nicholashaslosthisknickers · 01/12/2020 13:06

I know I shouldn't have done, I wish I hadn't and I've taken steps so that it won't happen ever again.

There is a backstory but I'm not sure it's entirely relevant, I will give details if it affects the ability to give me any advice.

I lost my shit via email. No swearing and no threats but lots of criticism of the other person and lots of criticism of their abilities. There were about five emails from me in total, growing in their anger as they went along. The recipient was very formal and didn't engage but was essentially asking me to do something that she didn't understand was an incorrect course of action. Think along the lines of 'you incompetent idiot'. I KNOW I WAS THE IDIOT for doing this.

The recipient was my former employer although I was self-employed and had no contract.

Can I get into trouble legally?

OP posts:

HerselfIndoors · 01/12/2020 15:00

Oh dear OP. I'm self-employed and have dealt with unbelievable idiocy a number of times. I totally know how angry it can make you. I haven't called anyone an incompetent idiot (though it would have been a fair description on several occasions...) but I have got more irate than I should have. No you shouldn't have done it, but if you learn from it and it never happens again, that's something. It's right that if you're freelance or contracting, people do compare notes so you can't do this.

Always write your angry rants in a text file so you can't accidentally send them, then file away. For the actual email, detach. "I'm so sorry I don't think I can fit this in" can mean exactly that, or it can mean "Yeah right, Fuck Yooooooo" :o For situations where they are wrong about what they think needs doing, "I'd like to take a couple of days to look into the best course of action as I'm a bit unsure about xyz". Often as not this will alert them to the fact that it's stupid and they'll get back to you with a change of plan, thinking it's their idea

For this occasion, I would apologise wholeheartedly, you allowed yourself to get emotional, you'll learn from it etc, and it was unprofessional and you are v sorry and understand if they want to leave it there. Don't ask for forgiveness, just make the apology they deserve, then take a step back, and focus on your own wellbeing and forgiving yourself. A reasonable person will patch it up. I have forgiven people and smoothed things over, and you can go on to get on fine. Or if not, put it down to experience.

HotSince63 · 01/12/2020 15:01

You can't legally get into trouble for stating criticism of a person and their abilities via email, to them and nobody else, no.

But 5 emails, escalating in anger to which the recipient didn't engage sounds like harassment. So they may decide to take that up.

Bluntness100 · 01/12/2020 15:05

Are you for real? OP has explicitly said she did none of those things

Lol, who pissed on your cornflakes, calm down. 😂

Yes, I see she says she didn’t threaten, but not that she wasn’t abusive, which calling her an incompetent idiot would be, or that she didn’t copy someone else in.

As said though, stand down .

CloudyVanilla · 01/12/2020 15:16

I think it's mean of you OP. I can understand getting heated in a face to face meeting as frustration builds in conversations and there's no time to get away, cool down, and think things through.

But, by email, I would expect myself and others to act more collected. Sending multiple ranty emails, I would honestly see that as unhinged.

Even in the worst context possible you should be able to write up a single scathing email. And anything less than the worst context possible should definitely not require 5.

AcrossthePond55 · 01/12/2020 15:19

Did you 'physically' threaten her or threaten her professional or personal reputation? If not, then there's no legal trouble in store.

But can she or will she blacken your professional reputation with your emails as proof? It's possible, depends on how vindictive she is or if she feels she has a professional reputation to maintain if she's contacted for a recommendation/reference.

One of the first things my mentor taught me starting out my career is never put anything in writing. I suggest (as others have) you send an apologetic email. Keep it generic and don't apologize for not doing what she wanted you to do, just for the way you said 'no'.

Purplehatsandflowers · 01/12/2020 15:31

I would apologise. You have no diea what is going on with that person, and how you might have just made it all so much worse.

I got roundly abused by a client last week (when i had actually gone out of my way to help her for free as her funding had run out well before) and she lost her shit with me. I know it was not actually my fault and she has issues, but it was the last straw in a long line of straws and I have actually been signed off (yesterday) for 2 weeks. Not sure I am going back either.

I'd apologise as a starter.

Tumbledowndog · 01/12/2020 15:32

Oh dear. I've done something very similar before - still makes me cringe to think about it. I put lots in capital letters and i did definitely swear. The recipient ended up giving me another 4 years work in quite a competitive contract though. The sooner you apologize and explain (even if you just say something vague about stress etc..) the less likely this is to go any further - some people actually respect someone who has a breaking point (thankfully). Best of luck..

LadyFelsham · 01/12/2020 15:40

Did you send an email-she didn't reply- and this pattern continued until you wrote the fifth and last email. Were they all in quick succession or did you leave some time between sending each one.

Maybe she hasn't read any of them yet!

I think you must know that you can't get into trouble legally for calling someone a fool, so is there something else-a particular phrase maybe- that you're worried about?

I think I would email again and apologise for the tone that you took and why you allowed yourself to become so agitated.

If she doesn't reply, just leave it at that.

Original poster

Nicholashaslosthisknickers · 01/12/2020 15:40

Sorry I haven’t had much chance to read all replies yet but I will, thanks for taking the time.

I didn’t copy anyone else in, I didn’t threaten her in any way, either professionally or any other way.

I’m still very upset and angry with the way she treated me which lead to my outburst so really not sure I can apologise.

I definitely have mental health issues and this has actually made me think I need to seek help as my anger management is way out of control.

OP posts:

jetadore · 01/12/2020 15:40

@Bluntness100

Are you for real? OP has explicitly said she did none of those things

Lol, who pissed on your cornflakes, calm down. 😂

Yes, I see she says she didn’t threaten, but not that she wasn’t abusive, which calling her an incompetent idiot would be, or that she didn’t copy someone else in.

As said though, stand down .

What legal ramifications do you imagine would arise from calling someone an incompetent idiot and copying other people in?

Bluntness100 · 01/12/2020 15:45

What legal ramifications do you imagine would arise from calling someone an incompetent idiot and copying other people in?

Eh, it’s called defamation and is illegal in the Uk.

Bluntness100 · 01/12/2020 15:46

Op sorry cross posted, I think if you didn’t copy any one else then you’re ok. The worst she can do is forward to others, doubtful she will though.

Original poster

Nicholashaslosthisknickers · 01/12/2020 15:48

Yep I called her an incompetent idiot. I’m very shameful that I allowed her to annoy me to that level but meant every word of it.

I’m not worried about reputation. The backstory is she’s a newcomer in a marketplace where she’s fundamentally disliked because she’s treated a number of people badly, now I’m included in that unfortunate list. I have a very good reputation and she’s unlikely to be able to damage that.

It’s a long story but I know I went way too far and am shameful of that.

OP posts:

Tumbledowndog · 01/12/2020 15:49

If you are angry and upset and you've been treated very badly then you don't have to apologize if you don't want to. You didn't say that in your OP. If you have to say anything you could maybe acknowledge that you could have dealt with it better but restate the reasons why you're upset. Sometimes it's OK to lose your shit. Other ideas upthread about writing in word files before emailing are good! learn from it maybe but don't give yourself too much of a hard time - and if its the catalyst for getting some help then thats a good thing.

Janegrey333 · 01/12/2020 15:50

@Bluntness100

Are you for real? OP has explicitly said she did none of those things

Lol, who pissed on your cornflakes, calm down. 😂

Yes, I see she says she didn’t threaten, but not that she wasn’t abusive, which calling her an incompetent idiot would be, or that she didn’t copy someone else in.

As said though, stand down .

Lol, who pissed on your cornflakes, calm down.

What a dreadful expression. 🤢

lightyearsahead · 01/12/2020 15:52

I would leave it a day and then reply to her.
Taking the emotion out of the email and just lay the facts bare for her to read and state why you were upset about the way she treated you and what she has done wrong.

You can apologies about the way you went about it but do not diminish the facts or how it made you feel.

Say you are happy to have a telephone conversation to clear the air.

You are not sorry about how you feel but you are sorry about how you dealt with it.

Bluntness100 · 01/12/2020 15:57

What a dreadful expression

To be fair it’s quite mild, I find “who shit on your cornflakes” worse..😃

Anyway I digress, op no you didn’t cover yourself in glory but I doubt you can legally get into trouble.

vanillandhoney · 01/12/2020 15:58

I'm glad you're confident, but I wouldn't want to do any kind of business with someone who's sent numerous rude and inflammatory e-mails to another person.

What will you do if she sends those e-mails to other people in your industry? Will that not impact you in any way?

hilariousnamehere · 01/12/2020 15:59

I mean... If it's true, it's not defamation?! Misses point of thread

Bluntness100 · 01/12/2020 16:02

@hilariousnamehere

I mean... If it's true, it's not defamation?! Misses point of thread

Think it would be hard to prove someone really is an incompetent idiot..that’s kinda subjective...😃

WeAllHaveWings · 01/12/2020 16:08

I have a very good reputation and she’s unlikely to be able to damage that.

Maybe other people are too scared to challenge you if you go off on one like that in a professional role!

Maybe, especially if you are self employed, consider the old adage 'don't burn your bridges', you never know where when your paths may cross professionally in the future.

HotSince63 · 01/12/2020 16:11

I have a very good reputation and she’s unlikely to be able to damage that.

You'll have done that all by yourself.

Hayeahnobut · 01/12/2020 16:14

Eh, it’s called defamation and is illegal in the Uk.

Calling someone an incompetent idiot is not defamatory if it is a reasonably held belief. Whilst the OP didn't go about it in a professional way, her actions were in no way unlawful.

DrDreReturns · 01/12/2020 16:18

What about who spunked on your cornflakes?

CorianderQueen · 01/12/2020 16:31

It's not defamation to insult someone's reputation in a private email only to the person as there is no audience for her reputation to be damaged in front of.

It can't affect her reputation or finances in private correspondence

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