To ignore the urge to have another child?

[Marmalademouse]

I have two children, 7 and 10, and can’t stop thinking about having a third baby. I’m late thirties, keep telling myself it’s impractical ( we could afford it but house, car are too small etc). Bad for my career. Global pandemic. Nothing logical in its favour really.

But I keep thinking - in ten years, when it’s no longer possible, will I regret not having another baby? So Yanbu - you’re doing the right thing not having another baby. Yabu - You might regret it.

"@Turquoisesea it's not that bad. I had a toddler and a teen at the same time with my first two. It was fine!"

I think teens now face a lot more issues than they have ever done. It can take a lot of time, emotion and even money (for extra confidence building hobbies) to keep them on track. If you throw in a toddler who is showing SEN, it becomes a nightmare to be able to carry on working.

I think you do have to start looking at your life at 50, to decide these things. I had a unexpected pregnancy which ended in miscarriage at 40. I'd decided that I wanted it. I had losses earlier in my life and wanted more than the three children that I had. Now approaching my mid 50's and having to help with my GC (because the father just up and left), being there for my youngest whose life plans have had to be put on hold and helping both because income has taken a hit, thanks to lock down. I'm glad that I didn't have another one. I would be exhausted and stressed because what I could do wouldn't be enough.

But that depends on how much of a parent you still want to be when they are passed 20. You'll be in your 60's when they are 20. I'm glad I didn't have young children about when I hit perimenopause. I'm looking at my 60's with enthusiasm because my life will be completely my own.

One thing to think about is whether you genuinely want to have a 3rd child (that could end up having additional needs or actually being baby 3 and 4: I've seen both happen), or is it that you're conscious of your fertile years and worried that you might regret not having one.

If you genuinely want to add to your family then that's a good reason and I'd say go for it if you're both on board. If it's a case of "it might be nice" but you're more worrying about regret then I'd probably say it's the wrong choice right now.

@Ponoka7

Of course, it depends on the individuals. I breezed through a teen and a toddler partly because of who I am and who they are. We're all different.

I also purposely had big age gaps (my first at 22, second at 34 and third at 40) as I love this, I love all the stages of parenthood and I never want to be without a young child in my life (hopefully I'll have GC by the time my baby leaves home!)

But then I've travelled the world with my kids and done so much with them - I don't feel I've missed out on anything.

Some people would hate that. We're all different.

I've got three (had the last one at 39) but I had them all close together, the eldest was 4 when I had the youngest.

I wouldn't have had a third with your kind of gap, it's hard work but we were still in the world of nappies and disturbed sleep with my two year old and my eldest wasn't even at school, so adding an extra baby wasn't really a leap and we haven't honestly felt much impact. But I wouldn't have wanted to return to the baby phase once we were out of it.

The third pregnancy was by far the hardest too and took longer to lose the weight and feel like myself again. It was a bit of a slog really.

I have no regrets at all, my third child is amazing and I'm so glad we had her, but we always wanted three, it was just part of the plan. In your case I think it might be your biological clock giving you one last warning, rather than you having a real desire for another child.

[quote WankPuffins]@Ponoka7

Of course, it depends on the individuals. I breezed through a teen and a toddler partly because of who I am and who they are. We're all different.

I also purposely had big age gaps (my first at 22, second at 34 and third at 40) as I love this, I love all the stages of parenthood and I never want to be without a young child in my life (hopefully I'll have GC by the time my baby leaves home!)

But then I've travelled the world with my kids and done so much with them - I don't feel I've missed out on anything.

Some people would hate that. We're all different.[/quote]
I love the sound of this @WankPuffins (great name!) - I think that's what I imagine, as an ideal scenario - that I'll have a young child for this next phase of my life and it will be a joy and not a burden.

I'm not sure yet if that's realistic for me. My career is intensely demanding (although flexible) and would I want to take a break for 2 years plus? I'm not sure...

I think a big thing for me is that I had kids younger than my peers - they are all starting to have babies now and that's provoked a feeling of 'maybe it's not too late'...

@Marmalademouse it would have been much harder if I'd had a proper career. I didn't go down that route, so I never had to weigh that up.

I was the first one of my peers to have a child by about ten years when I had my first so I know what you mean.

I think a big thing for me is that I had kids younger than my peers - they are all starting to have babies now and that's provoked a feeling of 'maybe it's not too late'

Yeah but you can be happy knowing they'll still have to be doing the school run whilst you're gaining freedom now kids are more independent.

I'm 43 and those crazy hormones are just starting to fade a little. I really wanted a third, but it made absolutely no logical sense financially, emotionally, etc. We're just starting to get our freedom back a little, and when I see parents with toddlers, I feel nothing but relief that I don't have to go through that again! Not that I don't like toddlers, more the relentless treadmill of getting them dressed, undressed, fed, potty trained, it taking hours just to walk down the road, random tantrums. Then the panic about applying for schools, school runs, hoping that they'll eventually settle in, birthday parties with lots of crazy (5 year olds really are insane!) small people runnnig around maniacally.

Can honestly say that I do not regret not having a third.

it's your shrivelling ovaries talking. In 10 years time at almost 40 you will be grateful to only have some teens to look after rather than doing the primary school run.

I would also, given that you are older, consider the 'what ifs' of a disabled child and the effects on you, your children and finances. I have a disabled child. It is love altering for the whole family.
Risks go up with age both for genetic disorders but also for pregnancy complications.

If you have 2 healthy DC, I would not roll that dice again. Unpopular few here, I know.

view, not few.

Thank you @RonObvious! It's great to hear from that perspective - I feel like that's what I need, to look ahead and think of all the good things about having older kids and not little ones! When you talk about five year old birthday parties that really puts me off!

@Pumkinseed thank you, I really appreciate this. Much food for thought.

I have 3. My youngest is 7 and dh had snip (3 sen boys so more than hands full) BUT I really really really want a baby. Thank God dh has had the snip as would be utterly stupid FOR ME and my other children would suffer as I'm stretched thin. I think its because my youngest is getting big and Iv forgotten how awful the tiredness is of the baby years

@Marmalademouse

Thank you *@DragonMamma* - maybe a puppy is the answer! I struggled with toddler years but loved baby years - but that’s over very quickly! How is it having older kids now? That’s what I feel I don’t hear that much about, that next phase of life when kids are older (how it is for the Mum I mean).

But @purringpaws I think I should (will!) cut and paste your post somewhere to remind me of the reality - I’m not sure I could cope with some of those worst case scenarios, and it’s what I need to think of, not the ideal image I have in my head of everyone passing the baby around the tree next Christmas

Having older kids is wonderful. They are hard but in a different way, but I find them easier ultimately. I find the relentlessness of babies just claustrophobic and as you said, they aren’t babies for long. The thought of having to attend Easter Bonnet parades, nativities etc. again makes me want to weep!

I actually get a break now, which I would never give up. You can have some great chats with them and they are just generally nicer to be around. That’s not to say I’m not tearing my hair out at how minging they can be with showering and their rooms but I’d take that any day of the week.

A puppy is definitely the way forward, you get the baby phase and a toddler phase but it’s relatively short lived and they are toilet trained a lot quicker!

You've said how much you want another baby but find toddlers hard work.

If you skipped the ban but altogether and started with toddlerhood how would you feel?

I longer for babies, I would like more pre teen DC. Then I slap myself and remind myself that some days I'm emotionally on my knees watching my DC struggle through what is actually "normal" life.

The dog and cats, only grief they bring is literal grief as they age and rainbow bridge draws closer 😢