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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ignore the urge to have another child?

90 replies

Marmalademouse · 30/11/2020 17:17

I have two children, 7 and 10, and can’t stop thinking about having a third baby. I’m late thirties, keep telling myself it’s impractical ( we could afford it but house, car are too small etc). Bad for my career. Global pandemic. Nothing logical in its favour really.

But I keep thinking - in ten years, when it’s no longer possible, will I regret not having another baby? So Yanbu - you’re doing the right thing not having another baby. Yabu - You might regret it.

OP posts:
Cheeseboardandmincepies · 01/12/2020 08:01

Borrow a friends baby over night, the urges will soon stop. Wink

dontdisturbmenow · 01/12/2020 08:08

Most if my friends oy have two children and went through the phase of condidering a third.

10 years later, they all seem to be relieved that they didn't. Waited for the time kids cod be left alone at home so they could get some freedom again, getting more money to enjoy holidays, house extensions and feeling relieved as they dealt with the older teenage years, supporting them through heartbreaks, deciding on education choices, Unxepected health issues all whilst feeling much more tired and stressed with life which they hadn't at all anticipated 10 years sooner.

wheresmymargharita · 01/12/2020 08:17

Isn't the decision for any child mainly a bodily/hormonal urge, though? Even the first? I'm not sure this is meant to be a purely "rational" decision OP - sometimes we also need to just trust a bit and go with our guts.

Sceptre86 · 01/12/2020 08:31

It is a difficult one. Mine are 4 and 3 years old and I have finally decided to try again. Dh has been asking for 2 years. I have had my longest stretch on the pill and am 34 now( it took a month to conceive dd and ds was an unexpected surprise). We have agreed that we will try for a year, if it doesn't happen for us in that time dh will get the snip and we will focus our energies on the two we already have been blessed with. I do not want a big age gap between mine and dh is 8 years older than me and does not relish doing night shifts as he gets older. Dh's cousin recently had a baby girl and when I first held her I knew I wanted another, until that point I had been on the fence.

In your situation I have a 10 year gap between my sister and I and we get on like a house on fire. We don't share the same music or clothes interests but love the same food, travelling etc. The sister closest in age to me, I am the least close to. You cannot predict that, it is out of your hands.

I would say if the urge has been there for a few years and is getting stronger, have a serious discussion with your oh and if he is on board go for it. The only issue I would have in your shoes is that you have had a long time away from the baby years and to go back to them will be a short, sharp shock. Are you prepared for that? A new car can be purchased, kids can bunk in with each other, you could buy a bigger house in time, baby clothes can be bought cheaply, borrowed from friends etc. Your life will not be your own till the baby starts school or you use childcare which is ridiculously expensive. Your older kids will have to get used to making compromises as a result of the baby, will you cart the baby around when you take the older children to activities? It is not as easy to jist get up and go with a baby in tow, I do not mean to make it sound doom and gloom, there are so many positives but you are probably used to your kids being quite independent and a new child will definitely change the dynamic. Good luck in whatever you decide!

Lelophants · 01/12/2020 08:35

Why did you stop at 2 initially?

How do you incisive your life in 5 years time? What about 10?

Lelophants · 01/12/2020 08:35

Would a much loved pet suffice?

Lelophants · 01/12/2020 08:36

Imagine not incisive

Thecherryontheverytop · 01/12/2020 09:00

I have dc the same age as yours and I'm having the same urges right now. I wish I would've conceived in Feb and then had a lovely lockdown pregnancy ( I get tired and very very sick so I would've loved having to be at home with nowhere to go and no activities to take dc to) and I would've had my baby soon but I was unsure and so I didn't do it.
I also have pnd after pregnancies so I know it would've been a stupid decision but the damn urge just won't go away! Sad
I keep waiting for the urge to go away but its been 3 years now ans tbh as each year goes by I wish would've already had my baby..I just keep making the age gap bigger and bigger

megletthesecond · 01/12/2020 09:05

Yanbu.
I'd have loved three. But money, not wanting to risk my health and then single parenthood stopped that.

Don't risk your health and finances. Your dc's are about to get more emotionally draining. (Yay!).

formerbabe · 01/12/2020 09:16

I suppose what matters is whether you want a baby or a child? If you really want a baby, then I wouldn't do it. I absolutely adore babies, but I know it's a really short phase. If you actually want another child then I guess that different.

One word of warning though...Your eldest will presumably be off to secondary school soon...my ds started last year...he's very popular and confident, loves school, but despite that, it was an absolutely huge adjustment for him and he needed lots of help and support from me. It would have been really stressful if I had had a baby or toddler to deal with as well

anon444877 · 01/12/2020 09:22

I had the strong urge for another baby for the second part of my 30s months after dc2 was born onwards and even now in my 40s I wonder if I could have one more. Nature is driving you for one last throw of the genetic dice and it's not a sensible drive.

Rationally it would be an utter disaster on so many dimensions for us, it hasn't stopped me thinking about it and having dreams about it. 7 & 10 and a baby would be a huge lifestyle changer.

I've got a couple of friends who've gone for a last minute 3rd and both have said with hindsight although they love them, they don't think it was a wise choice.

A 7/8 year gap will affect your retirement age potentially.

Glitterbaby17 · 01/12/2020 09:45

Not quite the same but my step daughter was 11 when we had DD, and then 14 when we had DS. It has been very challenging juggling her needs as she entered her teenage needs with the very different needs of a baby and toddler. When you finally get the smalls to bed and want to chill in the evening she wants to chat, watch a movie or play board games (which is lovely). Supporting her with mental health stuff while I was pregnant was HARD as I was already tired and emotional. I in no way regret DD and DS but I’m not sure if we hadn’t been a blended family I’d ever choose that spacing as their needs (and timings) are so different

Original poster
Marmalademouse · 01/12/2020 10:05

@Lelophants

Why did you stop at 2 initially?

How do you incisive your life in 5 years time? What about 10?

This is all so helpful thank you everyone.

I stopped at 2 as I was just getting my career going after DC2 - I also found having a toddler and baby really exhausting and it took me years (and years) to recover!! But thinking more now I wonder if teenager and baby would be nearly as bad/even worse Shock

Imagining my life in 5/10 years time is so hard! But I think I need to do that more...

I think part of the urge is because I often feel I didn't appreciate mine enough when they were tiny - the whole thing was so exhausting and such a blur...

OP posts:
Original poster
Marmalademouse · 01/12/2020 10:06

Tweenager I should have said... the transition to secondary etc...

OP posts:
anon444877 · 01/12/2020 10:18

Yes I've had similar thoughts about doing things right with a 3rd having learned as a parent, in reality though, we'd be even more tired.

Ohalrightthen · 01/12/2020 10:21

I had always thought I'd have 3 minimum. DH and i have decided on 2. We can't morally justify exceeding the replacement rate, simply put.

anon444877 · 01/12/2020 10:39

If you look into the eco footprint, you can justify an extra child if you make other concessions such as a hybrid or electric car, no long haul flights etc.

Just FYI.

I tend to agree though that humans in rich countries aren't the mammals most in need of protection.

Turquoisesea · 01/12/2020 10:39

Don’t underestimate the teenager years, having a baby/toddler is physically demanding but having teenagers is so much more emotionally draining than I ever imagined. The thought of having a baby/toddler at the same would fill me with dread! Yours are at a lovely age but give it a couple more years with hormones and they can be completely different!

Original poster
Marmalademouse · 01/12/2020 10:40

@anon444877

Yes I've had similar thoughts about doing things right with a 3rd having learned as a parent, in reality though, we'd be even more tired.
Even more tired!!

Hard to imagine but no doubt true. I was in my twenties when I had my first child, my body did snap back pretty easily despite horrendous birth etc... not to say that wouldn’t happen again but I do wonder.

OP posts:
WankPuffins · 01/12/2020 10:43

I have into my hormones last year when was 39.

My other two were 17 and 5.

I'm currently laying here snuggles with 3 month old Dd Grin

I'm very glad I let the hormones win.

WankPuffins · 01/12/2020 10:44

@Turquoisesea it's not that bad. I had a toddler and a teen at the same time with my first two. It was fine!

CloudPop · 01/12/2020 10:44

@MummmyDayCareNameChangeAGAIN

This isn't going to help..

But I once over heard a woman in her late 50s saying how she regrets not having that third. Its stuck with me ever since! I have two as well.

I hope she never tells her children that. Sorry guys - you were never enough for me.
anon444877 · 01/12/2020 10:46

Yes there again as I reached the end of my 30s I found my ability to fight off infections, weight gain etc much lower than before.

You do have to put more time and money into self care north of 40 imho.

formerbabe · 01/12/2020 10:46

[quote WankPuffins]@Turquoisesea it's not that bad. I had a toddler and a teen at the same time with my first two. It was fine![/quote]
I think a lot depends on your own personality. I'm prone to stress...I know a toddler and a teen would tip me over the edge. Some women take it in their stride though.

Turquoisesea · 01/12/2020 10:51

WankPuffins

@Turquoisesea it's not that bad. I had a toddler and a teen at the same time with my first two. It was fine!

You obviously had very different teens to me! 😂 and I agree it depends on the individual. For some it will be the best thing they did and others not. I was just trying to point out the teenage years can be difficult.

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